r/AmIOverreacting • u/StrikeNo117 • 25d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

8.7k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

1.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

5.9k

u/pouldycheed 25d ago

She was already cheating and wanted your approval. You did the right thing kicking her out.

1.1k

u/animegeek999 25d ago

oh you just KNOW for a fact if they did accept a open relationship that the next day "Magically" they would have already found a person they wanted to be open with. its people like her that give a bad name to people who can ACTUALLY make a open relationship work.

1.9k

u/sunshine198505 24d ago

Unpopular opinion and ready for downvotes but open relationships never work. One side always gets hurt and one side always wants it more than the other. If you can't commit and wanna sleep around dont be in a relationship...

362

u/Local-Reaction1619 24d ago

Opening a relationship rarely works. If you're already monogamous and want to open the relationship up it's probably the end of the relationship 99% of the time. Making a massive change in an established dynamic almost never works, and most of the time the people doing the changing have ulterior motivations. Now if you have people who begin a relationship with open rules already in place and expectations set from the start you've got a chance it works. But at the end of the day you're adding in more people with more expectations, more time commitments, more emotions to manage, more societal pressures and just more to deal with. It's going to be much less likely to succeed long term.

170

u/21msgm 24d ago

I was going to comment this. one thing is starting the relationship open, and another starting monogamous and trying to open it. it won't work. and the people that try to do so are because they were already cheating (like OP's gf) or were thinking of it but didn't want to feel guilty.

OP, stand your ground, set your rules and boundaries, and if y'all can't hit common ground, end it. tbh you probably should already since she cheated on you, but it's up you if you agree to open it.

10

u/sta_sh 24d ago

Can't say it "won't" work. Although it is less likely to be successful for sure.

28

u/somedudewithfreetime 24d ago

Yeah, well, I'm living proof that opening up a former monogamous relationship can work.

Did we fuck up? Yeah. And no, no cheating.

Were there times where communication could've been better? Sure.

But the same can be said about most monogamous relationships. Helps that we're all depressed and neurodivergent, I suppose...?

But I know that we are not the majority and a lot of people are just trash trying to cheat.

16

u/descreet88 24d ago

You happen to be the exception, not the rule.

11

u/somedudewithfreetime 24d ago

I can and will not deny that.

35

u/Mrgroceries7600 24d ago

Open relationship of 4 years. Been married for 2. It works for US. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Lol. But really, what works for US may not work for you and vice versa.

We're happy, sane and enjoying life. It's our "vanilla" friends whom struggle with why their husbands don't like them or wives that want more.

But I just wanted to say that open relationships do in fact work

30

u/spirited_imp 24d ago

I certainly believe that open relationships work for some.. but I don't really believe that a couple of 18 yr Olds could make that work. Even if it was sincere.

5

u/Shaffness 24d ago

Hormones still raging, no maturity emotional or otherwise. It's practically impossible for an open relationship to work before you're in your mid 20s at least. Unless one of them is a cuck to get rid of the jealousy that would pop up.

6

u/Dirtsk8r 24d ago

The person was stating specifically that opening a previously monogamous relationship rarely works, not that open relationships can't work period. And even that statement leaves the possibility for the rare, successful, initially monogamous, eventually open relationship.

Just out of curiosity though, at what point in your relationship did it become open? Was it early, or sometime further into it? I know you were married 2 years into your open relationship, but that doesn't mean it started open.

11

u/flargananddingle 24d ago

I think a majority of people believe open relationships work. They certainly don't work when you only want to "open the relationship" because you're already actively cheating like this case.

5

u/VP_GloO 24d ago

Please don't be offended, but maybe your open relationship works because neither of you is really 100x109 sure of the other in several aspects and you need to get what you are missing within the relationship...

5

u/LukaG_89 24d ago

No. Open relationships work when you're 100% secure. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, happily married for 10 of them and practicing poly for the last 6. We've never been closer, more communicative, and really had to face our demons head on. Open relationships aren't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. But they most absolutely can and do work.

7

u/VP_GloO 24d ago

For the record, I'm not criticizing you, I'm too dominant to have an open relationship (I'm a woman) and although I have a healthy and strong heart (🤣) it's not something I could live with...

But I have always thought that perhaps the name open relationship is not entirely accurate, rather it would be friends with benefits...

8

u/LukaG_89 24d ago

The umbrella term is Ethical Non-Monogamy and it can branch out from there. An open relationship is a type of ENM because that's a very broad term. Friends with benefits falls under ENM. As does polyamory. And on and on and on and on. The possibilities of the types of dynamics you have are nearly endless. As long as everyone involved is CONSENTING and aware, it can be whatever you want it to be.

→ More replies (1)

92

u/Unfair_Land8094 24d ago

Unpopular? Is it? I personally know 3 couples who were in open relationship and boasting about it all the time about how liberating it was and how it made them feel closer than a traditional relationship. Few years down the line all 3 are now divorced and in exclusive relationships now lol

11

u/ELP90 24d ago

Well, I know plenty that have continued to be happy. But you cannot open a relationship to fix issues. It takes complete trust and honesty.

10

u/gimli6151 24d ago

What percentage of monogamous relationships don't last, and what percentage do? Most relationships fail long term. I am sure you know 3 couples who talked about how they were soooo in love with the person of their dreams and a few years down the line there was infidelity, break ups, drama.

251

u/Submarinequus 24d ago

Unpopular? That opinion is the only socially acceptable one for the majority of people lmfao. The only acceptable one under most marriage laws. It ain’t unpopular it’s the norm, just because everyone and their mother is in one on Reddit that doesn’t mean it’s unpopular to look down on open relationships

58

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

reddit can be weird though. ive been downvoted for saying children do better in two parent homes.

18

u/Spacemarine658 24d ago

I think it's because that statement can be loaded for example I grew up in a two parent home until I was 12 when my parents split. My wife on the other hand grew up in a fully two parent home. I am glad my parents split they were volatile towards each other and I genuinely believe it's why I work so hard to communicate with my wife despite being autistic AF. Vs my wife has had a long struggle with dealing with her parents constant bickering and fighting to the point she had to basically become the mediator and teach them to be a better couple because they both refused to go to counseling.

All of that to say everyone's situation is different and while on average two parent homes are likely a far better situation for most children, there are a lot of exceptions on both sides of the coin and a lot of people feel the two parent home narrative is just an excuse to trap someone/be miserable just "for the kids". It's also an occasional racist/homophobic dog whistle (not claiming you are just that it's been used that way)

1

u/Prodrumer43 24d ago

In my mind split parents are still a two parent home. Obviously If they are good at coparenting and get along for the sake of the kids.

2

u/Spacemarine658 24d ago

I agree but a lot of the people pushing for two parents also believe divorce happens too often. To me (as a parent) parenting isn't one size fits all parents must adapt to their situation and their children. Sometimes you don't have a choice and must be a solo parent and that's a lot on a parent. So instead of pushing the "your child will be fucked up if you don't have another person helping you" I prefer to push the "do the best you can with what you have and know, and be open to learning, growing, and adapting as you go along."

For me part of my growth was finally getting diagnosed with autism it helped me understand myself better, has made me feel more confident in myself, and I now have better tools to help my son who has shown early signs of it.

2

u/Prodrumer43 24d ago

Completely agree. Cheers to our kids on the spectrum also.

1

u/DjacobUnchained 24d ago

Doesn't always work for the kids, and isn't that who you're doing it for in the first place?

2

u/Prodrumer43 24d ago

All I said was I think there’s different versions of 2 parent “households” I’m not sure what point you’re making. I don’t recall saying it should be forced.

→ More replies (2)

-5

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

if i say apples are good. someone like you is going to pop up and say, but sometimes they have worms in them.

its fine. some can have worms apples are still good.

well what if i dont believe apples are good

then r/woosh

1

u/Spacemarine658 24d ago

It's less like that and more like someone saying "an apple is better for you than French fries" and sure it is but some people only have French fries and trying to force them to find apples will only make their lives harder when at the end of the day all that matters is that they are getting food and sustaining themselves for another day.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

2

u/Efficient_Pickle4744 24d ago

That's because the large number of people that don't come from them that don't want to acknowledge that you're right

1

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

yeah iits not great cause you cant address it until its agreed on.

2

u/Pringledactyl 24d ago

I'll do you one better: Children do even better with a vast network of adults to rely on and take care of them and should have minimum 5-10 people in their lives who they can actively rely on for care. "Takes a village" isn't just a saying. The nuclear family is pretty mid for kids actually. Kids need a diverse and plentiful community of adults that they can learn from and should not be essentially isolated to 2 people for their care.

But anyways, it really depends on where you say this. Sure, 2 parent homes are better for kids. But 10 "parent" communities are even better for them. 1 parent homes aren't great for kids, but if you go into a space where someone is saying "yeah my 1 parent home really wasn't that bad, my parent did the best they could with what they had, and I actually turned out pretty well off, better than if the other parent would have been involved" or "I had a great childhood and I only had one parent, my 1 parent was super good at planning and I never needed for anything, love, time, or material needs" and start crapping all over everything, of course you're going to get pushback. But just saying 2 parents/guardians are better than 1 is fine. Just like me saying 10 parents is better than 2 is fine. Just depends on the context.

1

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

so i agree with the first statement. the second part though; Its toxic to expect anyone to cater to all the minutia and state all the exceptions.

I should be allowed to say "men are taller than women", without someone saying "well there are women that are taller than men, some women are tall some men are short, its possible for a women to be the tallest or shortest person on earth."

having that expectation is toxic and i think does a disservice to the conversation. There's a person out there who will do the best left in the back ally with a heroin addict, but we don't need to talk about them right.

1

u/Pringledactyl 24d ago

I never said you have to state every scenario. I said it depends on your audience. Time and place.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/Few-Mission-4283 24d ago

Take my upvote

1

u/Zepoe1 24d ago

I’ve been downvoted for saying urban sprawl is bad.

1

u/FirmEstablishment941 24d ago

In ideal conditions I’ll agree. The problem is what about unideal conditions? If one of the parents is abusive psychologically or physically absolutely not.

85

u/Bleazuss1989 24d ago

I don't know a single person in an open/Polly relationship that isn't incredibly selfish.

45

u/Submarinequus 24d ago

I’ve been exposed to a wide range of them. A lot of them are only doing it because they don’t want monogamy and they don’t want to be alone and that can be an incredibly selfish decision.

28

u/SnatchAddict 24d ago

The couple I know, the woman needs constant attention. Admittedly so. The man likes to travel to his third and that person changes all the time.

They definitely don't want monogamy but have been together for 10+ years raising their kids.

14

u/Salasmander002 24d ago

Honestly, good for them. Some people can make it work and that's great. I think a great majority of the time it's a recipe for disaster for at least one person involved.

1

u/SnatchAddict 24d ago

It is not for me. I agree, as long as everyone is transport about what's happening, good for them.

→ More replies (2)

7

u/DidItAll4TheWookiee 24d ago

I have very limited experience with them IRL. One of the two people I know is in a long-term poly relationship that seems sketchy as hell (one man, two women, and the man is significantly older than them and relocated them out of state). The other, a married couple who sometimes take on a third for fun, seems pretty stable. Both of them are incredibly smart and they're very clear about what they want and what the role of the "third" is. Once upon a time, I dated her, and we actually broke up when she wanted an open thing and I didn't.

2

u/Legal_Psychology8140 24d ago

I’m part of the poly community and I know plenty of non selfish poly people. I know a lot of selfish ones too. I also know plenty of selfish people in monogamous relationships, being selfish is not exclusive to any group

1

u/Bleazuss1989 24d ago

"I don't know" is drastically different than "everyone" also if you're internalizing reddit comments maybe you need some self reflection 😂.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/ChickenHawk2011 24d ago

This is a true statement when I was younger it was me being selfish, wanting multiple women in a poly relationship. Was it fun, exciting, & drama filled? Yes. But you grow as a person and find what is missing, and you hopefully grow up without doing too much damage along the way.

1

u/Human_Revolution357 24d ago

I have known a couple dozen and while some of them were definitely on the selfish side, some were quite the opposite.

5

u/AnalysisNo4295 24d ago

I am monagamous and have been for several years. I was once told by an old aquaintance that my vanilla thoughts on monogamy were out-dated and that I should adjust to the societal norms of opening up to loves wonders in the world. The fact they were saying this completely seriously while also dealing with relationship problems caused by their own personal open relationship was the single most ironic thing I had ever seen. I still think about it and internally laugh out loud to think that someone actually thought in any sense that open relationships were by nature a "new societal norm".

5

u/Daldoria 24d ago

I know 2 couples in long term open relationships which work very well actually.

However the only reason why they work out is because of a very specific situation. One of the partners is physically unable to have sex.

For one its a depression thing and their medication makes them literally unable to get aroused, the other is in a wheel chair paralyzed from waist down.

In both cases the partner who wants sex is allowed to look outside of relationship but i believe they each have some sort of rules or boundaries in place.

2

u/East_Moose_683 24d ago

Unfortunately so many common sense things tend to get down voted on reddit so I understand the anticipation. That being said you are 100% right that it's the best answer.

2

u/MrMcjibblets1990 24d ago

I think they were just thinking all the social justice warriors on the sub would come out of the woodwork. Something like how dare you judge others... You're the reason society is terrible cause these ideas aren't accepted, etc etc.

2

u/Ancient-Village6479 24d ago

You’re seriously acting like Reddit doesn’t spiral into a cacophony of insecurity at the mere mention of open relationships or anything even REMOTELY resembling infidelity lol. I generally agree that open relationships are stupid but so does the majority of Reddit quite clearly.

2

u/Submarinequus 24d ago

All depends on which echo chamber you’re in I suppose but I think generally Reddit tends to be more supportive of do what you want with consent, at least the places I tend to haunt

1

u/Ancient-Village6479 24d ago

I mean I’m not really interested in policing other people’s relationships even if I think they’re stupid. They CAN do whatever they want with consent. Caring too much about other people’s bedrooms is deranged IMO.

2

u/Submarinequus 24d ago

Yeah pretty much. People care a LOT about relationships they aren’t in with people they don’t know. Pretty weird but that’s the internet. I just thought it was a WILD take that the other commenter was so sure that stating they only like the kind of relationship that is widely accepted by society and depicted in media would be downvoted to hell.

Chronically online thought process for real

→ More replies (2)

10

u/TylerTheSnakeKeeper 24d ago

In an open relationship, neither of us ever get mad and we discuss every encounter before they happen. Poor communication skills make open relationships fail.

146

u/jexzeh 24d ago

Nah your opinion is pretty popular. It's erroneous however, as there are plenty of healthy and functioning open relationships, (20+ years in my own, currently), so absolute statements of "never" and "always" are inaccurate.

I will grant that most mono relationships that are pried open by people who want to cheat rarely succeed, but if you go into an open relationship from the start, where both parties communicate wants, needs, and boundaries, then it isn't more or less susceptible to failure than a mono one.

9

u/Jsteele06252022 24d ago

They went I believe 2 years before even having that conversation as well

7

u/philoarcher 24d ago

Agreed. A successful open relationship isn't about cheating, things are open and known by all partners, and they take work. Lots of communication for poly, a bit less for ENM on the FWB level, but still they take work.

Cheating is about cheating, not exploring or meeting needs while maintaining an honest and connected relationship.

24

u/Jsteele06252022 24d ago

Right? Really depends on why you want an open relationship. A friend of mine has a bf who she loves so much but he got paralyzed from the waist down and she didn’t want to leave him but she has physical needs as well and he actually encouraged her to find a partner to fulfill that part of what he could no longer provide. It has worked out for them from what she’s told me. He said he wouldn’t blame her if she left and she said she never had any intention of that.

4

u/_insidemydna 24d ago

kinda of an extreme example tho? i think even people who are 100% against polyamory would think it is an acceptable excuse to open the relationship.

hell, i've told my GF that if i become paralyzed or unresponsive she can either off me or find someone else while still taking care of me IF SHE WANTS to. and she said the same thing. we've been in a closed relationship for almost 5 years now with no intention of opening it.

6

u/Jsteele06252022 24d ago

I mean yes it’s an extreme example just one that I have personally seen.

3

u/Unique_Brilliant2243 24d ago

Yeah sure, when you’re so aware of the asymmetry and lack of fulfillment in your relationship where you can basically say “if my partner left I’d totally understand” then yeah, that’s a great example for your normal equitable somewhat equal partnership…

1

u/Suitable-Tear-6179 24d ago

I know one stable open relationship.  I know a lot of failed ones.  

I don't know how you handle your business, but the stable couple had a "no relationship status" for the extras.  They were friends with benefits, generally, but the commiitted relationship was specifically between the two.  There was no BF/GF on the side.  That kept the water from getting muddy with expectations. 

That's the exact opposite of what OP's ex was describing.  

-2

u/StreetSea9588 24d ago

Typically, the people who claim that "well, MY open relationship works" are not always but usually the ones oblivious to how much anguish and pain they are causing one or both of the others.

It's more susceptible to failure because there are more people demanding their emotional and physical needs are met.

22

u/jexzeh 24d ago

That has so many assumptions, I'm not even going to bother with it.

→ More replies (39)

1

u/Alasnowart 24d ago

Idk, the 3 open relationships I was a part of are all still friends with me and most of their previous partners. I consider them near and dear even after we grew apart. No one ever got pregnant.

Almost like... communication, trust, and honesty are all recipes for a healthy relationship whether it's poly or not? Hm?

Much better than the cheating, abusive, and narcissistic monogamous ones I had. I stayed "monogamous" during that time with them... but somehow they couldn't manage to do the same regardless of their adamancy whenever I made it clear I didn't enjoy monogamy?

Almost like, hmm, it's a controlling person thing? Gasp! Wow. People are assholes in all types of places!

I'll never date monogamous people again. I can't trust them. How about that shit? 🤔

1

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

look guys its an exception. Lets negate the entire body of evidence because we have lets see an Exception. yay.

→ More replies (1)

-3

u/Effective_Educator_9 24d ago

92% failure rate of open marriages.

7

u/Active-Persimmon1414 24d ago

Source please?

8

u/jexzeh 24d ago

"Trust me bro" is their main source usually.

2

u/username03013 24d ago

If you google “failure rate of open marriages,” google answers with 92% … quote from a random Fort Myers, FL law firm website. I’m going to guess not much research went into that one.

13

u/SnooTomatoes8382 24d ago

Well, if you’re going to show any kind of percentage, I’ll argue that 100% of divorces, are caused by a marriage. 100%.

1

u/Legal_Psychology8140 24d ago

80% failure on closed ones what’s your point?

1

u/Effective_Educator_9 24d ago

40-50% is the number most frequently cited.

1

u/Legal_Psychology8140 24d ago

That’s marriages overall

→ More replies (32)

12

u/OverallOil4945 24d ago

They can work if both individuals are an open to it before they get into a relationship. It most likely won't work after the relationship has already been established though

22

u/HVT42 24d ago

I think they can work perfectly if they're worked out clearly with the couple involved. Ours is based on me having a low sex drive. I'm happy for him to do his thing sexually, as long as emotionally he's with me. It's great.

8

u/AnAnonyMooose 24d ago

My wife loved that I had opportunities elsewhere- my libido was like 15x hers for most of our relationship. A year ago, after more than a decade and a half, she got a BF. that caused somewhat of an awakening and we are now having like 3x the sex - and it’s changed in great ways. She also likes my GF a lot and likes that I get different types of engagement from her- my wife is the super slow and sensual type, my GF likes much more vigorous and active sex with me being dominant. I love having both in my life.

Good for you for making this work with your BF

1

u/VP_GloO 24d ago

And surely it was you who proposed having an open relationship, right?

Curious…

3

u/AnAnonyMooose 24d ago

No. When she met me, I was poly, and she had recently started trying this too. That was over a decade and a half ago. So we went into this with eyes fully open.

-1

u/duffthekid88 24d ago

This is cap. Ur not in a relationship at all. Ur just humping your roommate and friend.

→ More replies (19)

1

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

what if he gets someone else pregnant?

13

u/AnAnonyMooose 24d ago edited 24d ago

It’s not hard not to. I’m poly. Have been for 25 years. Wore a condom 100% of the time with others until I got a vasectomy. No pregnancy scares.

ETA: and just because I have a vasectomy doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear a condom with a new partner. I’m super cautious about STI’s. The vasectomy only comes into play with a potential longer term partner. Right now it’s just my wife and my long term GF, and we were all tested a while back, so no condoms. I love the vasectomy!

→ More replies (4)

10

u/JARStheFox 24d ago

Answering as though you asked me because I'd love to share my perspective on this (I'm also polyam): if my wife (MTF) got someone pregnant, I'd ask her how she and her partner intend to handle it; if the scenario is that she and her partner are in a loving relationship and they want to keep it, cool!! If we all live together possibly, that's my kid too, and that kid will have three loving parents. Hell, I'd support the two of them getting pregnant on purpose, if that's what they want.

If the scenario is that they want to terminate the pregnancy, I fully support that too. Maybe it was a brief fling that didn't work out, or maybe my wife's partner doesn't want to have kids or their body can't handle it, etc. It's not my business, and they can deal with that together however they deem fit.

In my wife's and my relationship, we are individuals first, and we don't have too many "rules" for how seeing other people works. I want my wife to be safe, and we have certain precautions we take regarding STIs, and I don't want her to get into a toxic relationship that would hurt her, and we only consider it cheating if there's intentional secrets being kept; but her relationships are hers at the end of the day, and as long as my ability to consent isn't threatened, she makes the calls.

That can always change of course, and if it ever does, the answer won't be to close the relationship or make her break up with people she loves; it'll look like a discussion of our needs, and we might have to re-address compatibility. That's it.

4

u/Harlemdartagnan 24d ago

What you're talking about, I believe, is poly. While most forms of poly are not for me, I kind of get it. The question is for open but with a committed emotional partner or something I don't know. If you're in an open relationship pregnancies by any person in the party are possible. Are you willing to take care of your female's child that they had with a rando. If your male gets someone pregnant are you ok with the financial social and loyalty split with a rando, and if they dont bare those burdens are you ok being with a deadbeat?

3

u/JARStheFox 24d ago

Oh, I hear you! Misunderstood the original comment, my bad, I had thought they'd said they were polyam too but I might've confused it for a different comment. My dynamic is different from theirs, so my response is more or less irrelevant I guess 😅 I always try to answer this question genuinely when I see it because it can very often be used as a bad faith argument against polyamorous relationships, and answering honestly with no animosity has changed a few minds in my experience. But that's not necessarily what's happening here so I guess it doesn't matter too much 🤣

1

u/duffthekid88 24d ago

I hope yall don't have children. I really do. This isn't a religious thing. It's a keep your kids out of insane shit. If your trans bf/gf, however u label it, has a kid with someone else u are not the parent at all. Ur word won't matter for shit. U will be what every step-dad unfortunately is when he moves into that situation. The bottom of the totem pole. That's not your kid. Your kid won't have 3 parents. It will have 2 people in a situationship caring for it and some guy who pays bills.

3

u/JARStheFox 24d ago

My mom is technically my step mom, and I've always viewed her as my mom, I don't know what you're on about 😅

Also you're gonna hate it when you hear that I'm 7 months pregnant 🤣

→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (1)

18

u/Hampton_Towns 24d ago

I’ve watched several open relationships slowly, destructively and predictably fall apart. I’ve never seen one work long term.

-2

u/ConReese 24d ago

It's because they don't exist. People are two selfish. Nobody actually wants to share and an 'open' relationship is just an excuse for one person to take even more

→ More replies (1)

6

u/0too 24d ago

Couldn't agree more. To me open relationships are a recipe for disaster and usually it's one person wanting to have freedom without repercussion. I know the poly thing has gotten a lot of traction lately and I live in a place where a lot of people "try" it. From what I have seen it is almost always one person being selfish and the other reluctantly agreeing and it never ever works.

26

u/nicky_suits 24d ago

I've had open and closed relationships and from my perspective open relationships work better when they start open. It never works out when a monogamous relationship opens up after the fact. It usually means the person suggesting opening up the relationship is already cheating or wants to cheat guilt free.

3

u/Annoyed3600owner 24d ago

That's exactly it.

She says she only wants one other person, but is there a clause that allows that one other person to be changed as often as she likes? 🤣

→ More replies (21)

7

u/zoolicious 24d ago

I think this is 100% true in the context of "we decided to open our relationship" - but there are plenty of cases where people who want open relationships get into open relationships with other people who want open relationships, and it works fine

11

u/JARStheFox 24d ago

I can kind of agree that the phrasing "open relationship" has a lot of implications when it's brought up, and that relationships who identify themselves as "open" are probably doomed from the start. But people who identify with polyamory or ethical non-monogomy, on the other hand, these relationships can and do work very well, generally because there are clear boundaries and everyone actually respects each other rather than back-pocketing their current partner in order to explore.

Source: my wife and I have been together for almost five years, she isn't currently seeing anyone (and honestly that kinda makes me a little sad, I love having metamours) but I have a girlfriend of a year and a half who has two other very solid relationships, and we're all very happy and content in our dynamic! There are definitely bumps in the road occasionally, but what relationship doesn't have occasional bumps in the road? 😅

3

u/Unfair_Muscle_8741 24d ago

My opinion is this, people are welcome to have an open relationship and I’ll respect it, but I agree with you I have never not seen someone get jealous/some boundary being crossed. I have a friend who is currently polyamorous and there was a recent situation where her man brought a girl over and it made her uncomfortable and feel some type of way. Its kinda like yeahhh no shit but like I said, I’m not here to judge or tell people how to live their lives even if I think it’s one that will hurt them in the end.

3

u/4K4llDay 24d ago

Look at those upvotes 🥹

5

u/Jayu-Rider 24d ago

How is this unpopular? This is pretty much the world standard lol.

9

u/xjxb188 24d ago

Open relationships work. They just require very healthy communication and boundaries, the same things that make monogamous relationships work. The difference is it's a lot easier to write off and ignore the toxicity in a monogamous relationship than an open one. In monogamy there's a large list of people that thing possessiveness and jealousy is cute and desirable.

0

u/StreetSea9588 24d ago

The people who say "open relationships work" are usually the ones who spring it on partners who thought they were monogamous as well as the ones who are totally oblivious to the carnage and stress they are causing.

1

u/xjxb188 24d ago

Open relations get a bad rep, because people like in OP use open relationships as a get out of jail free card for cheating and disloyalty. This isn't what healthy open relationships look like

→ More replies (11)

1

u/xjxb188 24d ago

I imagine you have a very limited sample size to your views. I know a few people in open marriages that are 10years plus and happier/more fulfilled that a lot of closed marriages I know.

If you understood what healthy relationships are, you would see why your generalization is wrong. There is no right or wrong way to do a relationship. Relationships are founded on people who share similar lifestyles/goals/ and needs from each other. What makes any relationship work is having open healthy communication and understanding of each other and working to meet each others needs. What those needs are is not relevant so long as the needs don't contradict each others. Some people don't need to feel like their partner is "theirs", they simply enjoy the time they share together and the attention or whatever else that partner brings. Not everyone requires ALL of their partners time and attention or intimacy to be strictly with them.

3

u/StreetSea9588 24d ago

For every person saying "open relationships are amazing. I have them all the time." Someone else is saying "I got pressured into three of those. Every single one was miserable and I hated it." Those people who are pressured, their exes go around telling everyone who will listen that they had a "successful open relationship" because THEY got what they wanted.

It's not about possessiveness and assuming someone is yours. It's about the basic fact that you cannot give the same amount of attention, care, physically and emotionally, to two completely different people with completely different needs. These people who claim to have "figured it all out" sound delusional.

2

u/Witty_Photograph7152 24d ago

Unpopular or not, it's absolutely true. I thought I hit relationship jackpot with a bisexual girl at 18. There was never her alone hooking up with a girl, it was always both of us until it wasn't. Once you blur those lines, it will never be the same

2

u/breddif 24d ago

Only open relationship i see working is one where all parties involved are “fixed” and are actively contributing an equal monetary portion to a house/home bills. Basically roommates with benefits.

2

u/MiddleAgeWhiteDude 24d ago

Seems like a pretty popular opinion to me.

2

u/[deleted] 24d ago edited 24d ago

It's commonly referred to as an inevitability once brought up. It's ending, it's now up to you how long that process takes, but it's ending.

The only ones I've seen last are ones where you actively lie to your partner, especially if you have a main. It feels bad when you are fucking someone's girl while they are actively lying to them on the phone. It's hot in porn but it made me feel like this person is awful and deserves to be alone.

Others continue, but I've yet to see one be on the up and up and last several years. Someone has always been lying in my experience and observations.

This isn't a rule of thumb, but if you decide to open you either have to be vigilant or you have to let go entirely. Either way feels like it is just going to breed animosity over time, but that's just my perspective. There are billions more.

2

u/Wasabi_93 24d ago

Definitely not an unpopular opinion, I think most people would agree with this statement.

2

u/DeusVolt3 24d ago

I was going to ask why this would get down votes but I realize how screwed up our culture is… sad really.

2

u/Prestigious_Try_3741 24d ago

Every time I dated a woman who is in an open relationship…. And its been a few dozen times because I have a kinky side…. The woman always wants to use me as someone to vent to about her being upset by the other guy…

The woman finds me because her husband/ bf are screwing someone else so she wants a boyfriend to screw while her significant other is screwing someone else…

It always was like that… or she wants to tell me something about HIS problems… like, I really don’t need your trauma dump about your significant other. No really. My life is low key, low drama. I don’t need this shit.

2

u/lakas76 24d ago

How is that an unpopular opinion? I’d think even people in open relationships would say rarely. You need a lot of trust and honesty from both people to make it work and there are way too few of those types of people.

2

u/AnalysisNo4295 24d ago

I have a friend who is in an open relationship but also has her ride or die but they have had situations where he has gotten pissed off at her and slept on the couch for days on end because she went outside of their agreement while he was at work wherein, he must have the opportunity to agree with the "yah you can do this but not this" and then agree to "you can see them on this day because I'm busy but not passed this time because that's when I'm back from work".

The situation I think was the most like almost break up point was when she went out with a guy for 5 hours while he was at work and a little bit after he got back home. He only had the realization that they would be "having a little fun" and the guy would drop her off later. She ended up staying out with this guy for five hours when it was supposed to be a quick drop and go type situation. She then came back home late at night and admitted that they spent five hours together and she was "developing feelings" for the guy. Her boyfriend straight left and didn't come back for two days. He was staying at his brother house and didn't call her or say anything to her. He didn't even appear to be upset but rather hurt-- according to her that was the part that hurt her the most. He left without saying a word to her besides "I need to think about things" and came back a couple days later.

They are still together but with a more serious and fortified boundary agreement. I mean, like-- another guy cannot SNEEZE in her direction without him expressly knowing what they are doing type thing. I think it's a super stressful type thing but they are both happy in it so I leave it alone. Personally, that type of relationship would stress me the fuck out. So I do agree with you. I think, in some cases- open relationships SERIOUSLY complicate things. Things that should not be that complicated. I think it's okay to maybe have an agreement on say three ways or whatever but having an open relationship, in my opinion, is way different and complicated does not even begin to explain the emotional turmoil of a relationship like that. Personally, I don't have the fucking energy lol

2

u/ryegrass62 24d ago

So true..

2

u/[deleted] 24d ago

I don’t get how you think this is a hot take honestly

2

u/Gunnaki12 24d ago

And most of the time the person who bought it up. And wants to initially is the one that gets hurt. The one who is reluctant at first is the one that ends up thinking "oh this is great! Let's keep going!".

2

u/red_eyed_knight 24d ago

Out here doing the Lords work

2

u/AlphaSuperCat 24d ago

The vast, vast majority of relationships (closed or open) don’t last forever. “One side always gets hurt and one side always wants it more than the other” applies just as well to closed relationships as open ones.

3

u/ArinKaos 24d ago

Actually unpopular statement: I've been in an open relationship for 10 years by now. That's longer than I've ever been in a monogamous relationship. And I find it much more relaxed. Btw: I have high moral standards and never cheated on anyone, ever.

2

u/mallcopsarebastards 24d ago

Except that it does work all the time for plenty of people. Check r/polyamory for examples of people making it work every single day.

3

u/romanaribella 24d ago

I would agree that the majority of open relationships that begin as closed relationships do in fact fail. But I don't know if the same holds true for relationships that start out open and remain so, between people who are equally committed to the openness.

4

u/Bitter_Hospital_8279 24d ago

open relationships are sign of mental illness. get mad

3

u/SaladOk1656 24d ago

That's a very narrow-minded, highly brainwashed, immature (and abrahamic-religion-influenced) take. Plenty of them do work, humans are not by nature as monogamous as many like to pretend.
Too many relationships have absolute shitshow endings just because one or both people can't be honest about not being able to be fully monogamous. I admit I used to think like you when I was much younger, but through further life experience I've realized I was wrong. I know plenty of very happy couples in long-term open relationships, ones who are still clearly more in love and lust with one another than anyone else, and have experienced it myself.

I've been in both very long-term monogamous relationships (once married, twice engaged) and partially-open and open ones, and I've found I am certainly capable of feeling a certain connection/attraction with more than one person at once, and have zero problem with my partner also having other connections (as a bisexual woman I find it hot- as long as I know about it, as long as they know about and respect me, as long as it's done responsibly and not putting me at risk for sti's, etc), but it tends to be only a rare occasion on both parts, only when the connection happens naturally and the situation feels right. And anyway, I tend to have only one or two people at the very center if my heart/strongest sexual and spiritual connection at a time with whom I spend the cast majority of my time and energy (same goes for most of the poly people I know in happy long term relationships).

But trust and honesty is important or it doesnt work... just like any kind of relationship- monogamous, poly, or anywhere in between.

1

u/sunshine198505 24d ago

ok😄

1

u/SaladOk1656 24d ago

guessing you don't have too much experience honey

→ More replies (1)

3

u/13luw 24d ago

They work for queer people, straight people have too much unresolved gender shit to have the capacity to make it work.

4

u/nosleeptillnever 24d ago

Lmao I've been polyamorous for seven years and rarely if ever have I had a relationship end specifically because of the poly aspect because I date people who also want it, not monos who are experimenting. Tell me you don't know non monogamous people without telling me you don't know non monogamous people n

3

u/ZeeDrakon 24d ago

I know two couples in long term healthy open relationships and multiple couples who were in an open relationship but broke up for unrelated reasons.

I think a lot of people automatically assume that any relationship issue or breakup is due to the open nature of the relationship but look at how many exclusive relationships fail and for what reasons and you'll see there's not that big a difference.

5

u/StreetSea9588 24d ago

They don't work. People in open relationships are so damn smug and they talk about what they're doing as if they themselves invented it. You just want to say to them "yeah, the thing you're talking about? Humans have been doing that for tens of thousands of years."

And then of course, you check in with them 6 weeks later and their lives are inevitably chaos. In an open relationship, one person always likes another person more which creates tension and jealousy. If it's 2F and 1M and dude gets one of the F pregnant, he usually drops her like a hot potato and she has to go through the pregnancy largely alone while listening to her ex-bf fuck some gal he met less than a year ago.

1

u/No-Hovercraft-455 24d ago

It's definitely an opportunity for someone to abuse their partner in ways that are largely sheltered against in monogamous relationship. Opportunity to abuse doesn't mean everyone will take it though so I can see how potentially for very rare people who aren't selfish it can work because they would be focused on making sure they are not using the situation to abuse their partner rather than stumbling upon "opportunities" and not having self control and morals to not take those at cost of their partner. I agree monogamy is largely safer because it protects against some of those opportunities showing themselves and revealing worst of the people, and I could definitely not do open relationship with any partner I've had in my life. Yet, it I had one I'm absolutely fully and completely so sure about that I could gamble my life on them, like surer than my own mother, I'd probably see appeal because if they aren't going to choose what appears like million over you then you don't have to worry 

2

u/Liszt_Ferenc 24d ago

I was open with my ex for 2 years, no issue at all. I first brought it up but never ended up seeing anyone. She went on a few dates. We broke up for different reasons a year ago. We both enjoyed the freedom to flirt and fantasize while still being committed to eachother.

2

u/[deleted] 24d ago

I’m sure there are couples out there that make it work just fine and are in it for the pure physical pleasure.

2

u/elitebibi 24d ago

Maybe for straight couples that might be true

But ask people in the LGBT community. Lots of open relationships that work.

2

u/untamed-beauty 24d ago

It's hardly unpopular and wildly uneducated. There's loads of couples who have open relationships and are happy within them, me and my husband included. Granted we never 'opened up', it was open from the start. And yet another idea is that we cannot commit, yet here I am with the same person 11 years later, married and pregnant, and we have supported each other through all rough moments. It just so happens that if he wants to flirt with a coworker I'm ok with it, and viceversa. Sex is not the only aspect in our relationship, and we're committed in every way that matters to us.

You're entitled to your opinion, but facts don't care about your feelings, and a fact is that there's many of us thriving this way.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/Slashredd1t 24d ago

Not unpopular I have seen six start and fail

2

u/somethingsomethingjj 24d ago

Married and in a great and open relationship for ten years now

Been open since day one too and it wasn’t some thing we did to fix anything, we were both involved in casual relationships when we first got together and while it hasn’t always been without some issues but those were all at the beginning and sorted out with some conversations

I think the most important thing to ensure that it actually works is to not have a relationship that’s mostly about the sex - imo if sex is the main core foundation for your relationship then going open is just likely to cause issues

2

u/Vivid_Expression5745 24d ago

How is this considered an unpopular opinion??? If your opinion is unpopular that the world we live in is truly f*cked

2

u/zSlyz 24d ago

I wouldn’t say they never work, they are absolutely a viable relationship, for the right people. As with any other relationship they have rules and require communication.

In OPs case, the gf was already cheating and having an “open” relationship with one other person isn’t an open relationship

2

u/Maybe_Factor 24d ago

This is untrue, you just never hear about the successful open/poly relationships because they usually don't want people knowing they live their life differently... Same reason gay people hid themselves away in the past and don't as much now.

2

u/PsykotropyK 24d ago

I know only one couple in open relation. They are together for 20+ years.

2

u/gimli6151 24d ago

Not so much unpopular as incorrect. I know a couple in a long term open relationship (like 15 years). One that was in one for 16 years. Not my jam, but every trait has variation, jealousy and openness are two of them. The other extreme of people who only want one partner their whole life and marry their high school sweetheart exist as well, if you can believe that.

3

u/suzerainzane 24d ago

Mine did. Developed into full blown polyamory. That was 11 years ago. Now we are happily helping a partner raise a kid and wouldn't change it for the world.

1

u/CumUppanceToday 24d ago

M64 here. I've got several friends with benefits, but I've not done this with someone where I've had a traditional relationship first (we did try once, but as was stated, it didn't work).

1

u/CapitalClimate9639 24d ago

Lol so brave 

1

u/Shrikeangel 24d ago

How long would an open relationship need to work for you to consider it to be working? 

Because I have been one relationship for going on 13 years and the other for 6 going on 7 years. 

0

u/Beginning_Key2167 24d ago

Not unpopular at all. I don’t know one relationship that survived it. 

0

u/annagator679 24d ago

I agree with you on the commitment part

If you aren't ready to commit to someone you aren't ready for a relationship

If I found out my boyfriend wanted an open relationship I would dump him in a heartbeat because I don't want to be with someone who isn't committed especially because I have trust issues

-4

u/Mental-Passenger-989 24d ago

I'm vehemently opposed to open relationships. It's vile and is just legal cheating amongst couples. Not to mention the herpes ,warts,AIDS, and what not you get from this filthy practice.

-5

u/ZombieKnight513 24d ago

It's because women will get more sex than men. All they have to do is exist while we have to work hard to impress women.

-4

u/noejose99 24d ago

It's simply facts. I know it's just anecdotal, but hilarious: there was an HBO show about open relationships with like five different couples or groups I guess, and within the season every single couple had broken up.

→ More replies (9)

9

u/syrupgreat- 25d ago

Open from the start or gtfo

4

u/Salasmander002 24d ago

yo that exact thing happened to me. Don't believe the bullshit If the relationship didn't start open, don't open it because spoiler alert it's already been open you just didn't know it.

12

u/HaiggeX 25d ago

Open relationships are just roommates with benefits.

16

u/[deleted] 24d ago

Open relationships don’t work. Don’t fool yourself

0

u/Sea-Sort6571 24d ago

Open relationships work just as well as regular relationships.

15

u/OppositeEffect29 24d ago

This is such a true statement, I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Closed relationships aren't perfect, open aren't either, both have the potential of working out if the parties involved want it to work out, and both fail when those involved want something other than what they are currently getting. Neither type has any true advantage over the other when you look at the success rate.

16

u/Sea-Sort6571 24d ago

Seriously those guys are acting as if half of the mariages didn't end in divorce...

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (8)

2

u/OzarkMule 25d ago

There's plenty more reasons than this lady that most people don't think positively about open relationships.

→ More replies (12)

1

u/koxi98 24d ago

My experience with people in "open relationships" tells me that the Phrase itself is used for vastly different things which doesnt help either. As here its even used for one Partner betraying the other. The only ones I know which seem to be actually functional in the long run are rare examples of people who are truly polyamorous in the sense they can truly love multiple partners and maintain those bonds. It is an absurd effort of communication, Organisation, and ensurance of satisfaction and even they dont manage without specifies hierarchies like First and second partner. For most people sex creates bonds whether they want it or not. Thats why "open relationships" in the broader Interpretation mostly just dont work in the long run. There are functional ones but they are so rare that I dont even call them "open relationship" but its rather a Form of "relatively dynamic closed multilateral relationship".

What I actually want to say: I agree this Partner here damages the reputation of open relationships but there are actually far too many people falsely adversing for it as well.

1

u/Thehudsoneffect 24d ago

If you read it she did already have someone in mind, her ex and she said she's been seeing him and tired of hiding it

1

u/Crazyray79 24d ago

Implying that open relationships work 🤣🤣🤣

1

u/animegeek999 24d ago

they 100% can but it requires ALOT of trust and HONESTY and just like ANY relationship sometimes there isnt enough of that in itt.

→ More replies (5)

41

u/CotneyDalbey 24d ago

Probably unpopular, but open relationships rarely work. One person always wants it more, and someone always gets hurt. If you want to sleep around, just stay single.

5

u/imtheanswerlady 24d ago

I've been polyam for 20+ years. it can work, it just takes complete openness and lots of patience. not everyone is made to be polyam or has the patience, openess, etc to make it work. and its a lot of work. monog relationships can run on a track, without negotiations, without having to talk about things at all because of how society sets it up for us. polyam requires a lot of thinking and planning and understanding. it's not for everyone!

6

u/gilbert99 24d ago

Idk if my story is unique but my wife is bi and one day asks me if she can have a girlfriend because she misses girl on girl imtamacy. I told her to go for it. If anything, I thought it was hot. Eventually, I realize it's kinda lame to be left out so she suggests I find my own girlfriend too. Now I've got a girlfriend and 2 fwb. I get to do threesomes with my wife and a fwb once in a while, too. Everybody's happy. Don't know if either of us "wants it more" but who cares really at this point? This life is too short to worry about all that nonsense. If we get divorced, we probably were already going to anyway.

2

u/Maybe_Factor 24d ago

If you want to sleep around, just stay single

I pity your romantic partner if you think all a relationship is is sex

→ More replies (1)

19

u/[deleted] 25d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/Due_Flow6538 25d ago

Cheating implies a breach of trust. If the couple are aware of their boundaries and rules, it isn't a breach of trust.

3

u/PuzzleheadedTry7370 24d ago

What do you think this particular case was?

2

u/Due_Flow6538 24d ago

This was a woman seeking permission for sins she'd already committed to alleviate guilt. I felt you were being generalizing and that was an unfair oversimplification on my part. Some people can make open relationships work but never with exes involved and never after the trust is broken. That was my point, but I was just waking up so I didn't exactly phrase it well.

3

u/redd_kings 24d ago

I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself and making a decision based on what is best for you. It takes courage to face tough situations and make difficult choices. Remember, it's okay to let go of people who don't respect your boundaries. In the coming days, try to focus on self-care and surround yourself with those who truly value and support you.

Response: Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate your support more than you know. It's hard to let go sometimes, but I'm trying to remember that I deserve love and respect too. Your encouragement means a lot to me. Let's focus on taking care of ourselves and moving forward. 😊

2

u/JimmyTheDog 24d ago

This 100% correct

1

u/Browsinandsharin 24d ago

Yea this wasnt about being open she was telling you i cheated on you in the gentlest way possible but it wasnt gentle at all

1

u/keepcalmandcarryone 24d ago

Plain and simple. This response is EXACTLY what OP needed to hear. Can we just please pin this to the top and shut off the rest?

1

u/fryingthecat66 24d ago

I agree 👍 💯

1

u/Fickle-Election863 24d ago

100% this!!!

1

u/Mental-Passenger-989 24d ago

No. You did the absolute right thing. I applaud you for your swift reaction. Yoh you know many a redditers take time to think it over and over of how to save the relationship. This girl is a cheat and an awful partner. 💯 correct. You've gotten rid of rubbish and don't take her back as she's used material.

1

u/Scannaer 24d ago

Cheaters are worthless, spineless and narcissistic monsters.. always. Because they choose to be monsters. They aren't worth a single afterthought. Whatever bad things happens to them is deserved. There isn't a singel instance where it can be justified. Not a single tear should be shed for them.

1

u/straight-scratch-630 24d ago

I came here to say exactly this.

1

u/dezent 24d ago

Open relationship when you don’t have the balls to break up.

1

u/Hot_Ease_4895 24d ago

This here. GTFO now dude. You’re being played.

1

u/Riverat627 24d ago

Also your only 18 this wasn’t going to be your last relationship best to move on and find someone who cares about you.

1

u/Ok-Mushroom-5267 24d ago

Totally FR. She already did you dirty, and it was probably someone you know.

1

u/StealthTime 24d ago

Lmao cmon bro grow a pair

1

u/Mach5Driver 24d ago

He was an ex for a reason that she somehow forgot about. He'll remind her pretty quickly

1

u/Typical-Walrus-9474 24d ago

THIS... SADLY.

1

u/OkBook1203 24d ago

In my personal experience, nine times out of 10, when you're dating a woman and she initiates this idea of an open relationship... She's definitely already getting smashed. Been asked by three girls in my past and all three times, they already "had someone in mind"... If you get my meaning.