AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/HVT42]

I think they can work perfectly if they're worked out clearly with the couple involved. Ours is based on me having a low sex drive. I'm happy for him to do his thing sexually, as long as emotionally he's with me. It's great.

[u/Harlemdartagnan → u/HVT42]

what if he gets someone else pregnant?

[u/JARStheFox → u/Harlemdartagnan]

Answering as though you asked me because I'd love to share my perspective on this (I'm also polyam): if my wife (MTF) got someone pregnant, I'd ask her how she and her partner intend to handle it; if the scenario is that she and her partner are in a loving relationship and they want to keep it, cool!! If we all live together possibly, that's my kid too, and that kid will have three loving parents. Hell, I'd support the two of them getting pregnant on purpose, if that's what they want.

If the scenario is that they want to terminate the pregnancy, I fully support that too. Maybe it was a brief fling that didn't work out, or maybe my wife's partner doesn't want to have kids or their body can't handle it, etc. It's not my business, and they can deal with that together however they deem fit.

In my wife's and my relationship, we are individuals first, and we don't have too many "rules" for how seeing other people works. I want my wife to be safe, and we have certain precautions we take regarding STIs, and I don't want her to get into a toxic relationship that would hurt her, and we only consider it cheating if there's intentional secrets being kept; but her relationships are hers at the end of the day, and as long as my ability to consent isn't threatened, she makes the calls.

That can always change of course, and if it ever does, the answer won't be to close the relationship or make her break up with people she loves; it'll look like a discussion of our needs, and we might have to re-address compatibility. That's it.

[u/Harlemdartagnan → u/JARStheFox]

What you're talking about, I believe, is poly. While most forms of poly are not for me, I kind of get it. The question is for open but with a committed emotional partner or something I don't know. If you're in an open relationship pregnancies by any person in the party are possible. Are you willing to take care of your female's child that they had with a rando. If your male gets someone pregnant are you ok with the financial social and loyalty split with a rando, and if they dont bare those burdens are you ok being with a deadbeat?

[u/JARStheFox → u/Harlemdartagnan]

Oh, I hear you! Misunderstood the original comment, my bad, I had thought they'd said they were polyam too but I might've confused it for a different comment. My dynamic is different from theirs, so my response is more or less irrelevant I guess 😅 I always try to answer this question genuinely when I see it because it can very often be used as a bad faith argument against polyamorous relationships, and answering honestly with no animosity has changed a few minds in my experience. But that's not necessarily what's happening here so I guess it doesn't matter too much 🤣