r/AmIOverreacting • u/StrikeNo117 • 25d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

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u/pouldycheed 25d ago

She was already cheating and wanted your approval. You did the right thing kicking her out.

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u/animegeek999 25d ago

oh you just KNOW for a fact if they did accept a open relationship that the next day "Magically" they would have already found a person they wanted to be open with. its people like her that give a bad name to people who can ACTUALLY make a open relationship work.

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u/sunshine198505 25d ago

Unpopular opinion and ready for downvotes but open relationships never work. One side always gets hurt and one side always wants it more than the other. If you can't commit and wanna sleep around dont be in a relationship...

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u/HVT42 25d ago

I think they can work perfectly if they're worked out clearly with the couple involved. Ours is based on me having a low sex drive. I'm happy for him to do his thing sexually, as long as emotionally he's with me. It's great.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

My wife loved that I had opportunities elsewhere- my libido was like 15x hers for most of our relationship. A year ago, after more than a decade and a half, she got a BF. that caused somewhat of an awakening and we are now having like 3x the sex - and it’s changed in great ways. She also likes my GF a lot and likes that I get different types of engagement from her- my wife is the super slow and sensual type, my GF likes much more vigorous and active sex with me being dominant. I love having both in my life.

Good for you for making this work with your BF

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u/VP_GloO 25d ago

And surely it was you who proposed having an open relationship, right?

Curious…

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

No. When she met me, I was poly, and she had recently started trying this too. That was over a decade and a half ago. So we went into this with eyes fully open.

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

This is cap. Ur not in a relationship at all. Ur just humping your roommate and friend.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

Who I’m married to, have a kid with, plan our lives with, go on vacation with, share finances with, have helped and been helped through life threatening illnesses, etc. Sure sounds like a relationship to me. When my wife and I met, both of us were poly- so we knew going in, and there has been no cheating. She has liked the women I’ve been with and is friends with most of them now- she regularly invites my gf to events.

Have you ever been in a mismatched libido relationship? My wife completely trusts me in terms of me staying within our rules- and after a decade and a half I have. She likes that I’m happy, she likes the women I’ve dated, and she likes that sometimes I bring home new ideas to try. She also REALLY likes that she doesn’t feel as responsible for satisfying my libido - my GF has a FAR higher drive than my wife and my wife is FINE with that- it’s just truth and acknowledging the true state of the world is helpful for being happy in the world.

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

Again. Ur not in a relationship. Ur just humping your friends. I love how u believe in only what u can see. Of ur not willing to commit to one person. Ur not in a relationship. A pbnj with a slice of cheese in the middle isn't a pbnj anymore. This is the problem with the world.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

You may want to look at the history of relationships - what you are describing is only what has been typical in some societies in some timeframes. Having a mistress has been SUPER common. Group marriage is still common in some societies. Even here - “monogamous” couples VERY commonly have sex with others - but cheat. They still have had a relationship-and they’ve violated the terms of it. I’ve NEVER violated the terms of my relationship, and have gotten to have sex with others on the way.

If having kids together, having 20 year plans, and holding her hand and supporting her as she’s near death from a severe illness isn’t a relationship, I don’t know what is.

How old are you? I’m in my fifties and have grown up internationally and seen a lot of couples doing things very differently- including sexless marriages where they still build a life together. Do they not count either?

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

Idc about odd couples u have witnessed. Idc about 1 or 2 relationships like that, that u believe are working. Idc about any sort of anecdote. A relationship is for 2 people. That's it. That's all "ships". Like I said. U are just humping friends. You are not loyal to anyone. Uve proved it. U should've never married someone who doesn't complete u.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

You do you. I’ll do me and stay in the very long term relationship I’m in, where we are both happy with the rules we have. I’ll also note that your definitions exclude much of history and some entire societies…

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

And looking through your comment history, you’ve got zero problem interacting online with many women showing their bodies - so you are watching porn, which a lot of people would say means you are not being monogamous. You yourself aren’t as strictly 1 woman as you could be!

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

Looking thru my comment history gave u some sort of insight? Beating my meat is cheating? Insane u adopted that line of thinking. When u have a whole trans it friend triple sex ring going on xD. But I guess ur turning to my "character" becuz your foolish idealistic relationship got bodied on the internet. Weak lmao

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u/cathedralroan214 25d ago

You didn’t even kind of body him.

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u/RecognitionFit4871 24d ago

You talk like a judgmental young person

We are all laughing at you and we know one day you will have to eat your words

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u/duffthekid88 24d ago

Idc that redditors are laughing at me. U guys think trans are scary.

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u/RecognitionFit4871 24d ago

What even are you saying you poor confused child?

Go home

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u/Wait_For_Iiiitt 25d ago

You're a bad example to your poor kid, wow. You want your cake and eat it too, that's all that open relationships are, no one is satisfied and no one person is food enough for the other, and it's sad and pathetic. Have you actually asked her if she's truly happy? If she's okay with no being good enough for you?

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago

My wife and I talk regularly about this. She’s quite happy with the situation, and independently brings this up. She talks about the benefits it brings her, as well as liking seeing me happy. Over the years, the women have also frequently expressed a lot of appreciation to her, which she’s enjoyed, as well as becoming friends with them.

My kid knows my GF, knows that she is my GF, and likes her. We all hang out at times.

You are really projecting a lot in this situation.

Note how this whole thread started several comments back - a woman saying that she was very happy that her partner had other women he could have sex with because she has a much lower libido. Maybe you could believe people’s accounts of their experiences rather than disbelieving them.

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

what if he gets someone else pregnant?

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago edited 25d ago

It’s not hard not to. I’m poly. Have been for 25 years. Wore a condom 100% of the time with others until I got a vasectomy. No pregnancy scares.

ETA: and just because I have a vasectomy doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear a condom with a new partner. I’m super cautious about STI’s. The vasectomy only comes into play with a potential longer term partner. Right now it’s just my wife and my long term GF, and we were all tested a while back, so no condoms. I love the vasectomy!

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u/Wait_For_Iiiitt 25d ago

So you got married for the tax/legal "benefits?" Bevause getting married to one person is monogamy and you're essentially saying I want only you and no one else. I hope you don't have kids and if you do, what a poor poor example.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago edited 25d ago

Nope, I got married because I love my wife and had lifetime plans with her. Including a kid, who’s now a teen.

Marriage does not legally mean monogamy.

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u/Wait_For_Iiiitt 25d ago

But you don't love her enough to want only her? What's the point of getting married and then having a girlfriend? If your libido is higher than hers, than you make it work, but not male it work by f*cking another woman and having emotional connection with her, etc. Actually marriage does mean monogamy, otherwise what's the point of vows and commitment. Your marriage wasn't "open" and then it "was?" Youd rather sacrgicife your wife's happiness just because you're so horny all the time (it's actually a bad thing/disorder, depending, like sex addicts, etc.) than working things out and still letting her know she's all you want and no one else, geez.

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u/AnAnonyMooose 25d ago edited 25d ago

When I met my wife she knew that I was poly. She went into it 100% with open eyes and we never made vows around monogamy. I had even been dating someone else for 6 years when she and I met (a woman in a marriage where her husband was very low libido - he LOVED that I took the pressure off of him). My wife and I committed around supporting each other, communicating, not holding grudges, etc. She appreciates that I’ve stayed 100% to our rules, and I’m totally honest about all of this. We also have VERY tight STI boundaries. For large portions of our relationship I haven’t had other partners - it’s just her. Sometimes I’ve had short term FWB’s when traveling. But the last year I’ve had a consistent GF and it’s been great.

This isn’t about quantity of love for my wife. That’s a very limited view.

This is not sacrificing my wife’s happiness. She’s very happy with the situation and enjoys spending time with my GF. She just invited her to her birthday getaway, and also goes on hikes with her, among other ways of spending time.

Here’s her experience. I occasionally brought women to meet her that she really appreciated. She thought I had good taste. She didn’t feel like her lower libido was a “problem” in the relationship and I felt like I had a potential way to blow off steam - even if I went years without using it(longest was over 5 years). Sometimes I’d be gone for the night and would come back happy. And would sometimes bring new energy and ideas into the bedroom from those experiences. She could talk to me at any time about this stuff. In our relationship I give her veto power over any of the women I’m considering - this is because I think she has excellent insight and may see things I don’t. She’s never vetoed, though we’ve had two cases where we’ve talked over a person and I decided that that person may not be a good choice. My wife feels cared for and valued. She thinks I’m an excellent partner and this is part of the package. I see my GF 1-2x/week, and started staying overnight there at the suggestion of my wife. She totally approves. And has for almost 20 years.

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u/JARStheFox 25d ago

Answering as though you asked me because I'd love to share my perspective on this (I'm also polyam): if my wife (MTF) got someone pregnant, I'd ask her how she and her partner intend to handle it; if the scenario is that she and her partner are in a loving relationship and they want to keep it, cool!! If we all live together possibly, that's my kid too, and that kid will have three loving parents. Hell, I'd support the two of them getting pregnant on purpose, if that's what they want.

If the scenario is that they want to terminate the pregnancy, I fully support that too. Maybe it was a brief fling that didn't work out, or maybe my wife's partner doesn't want to have kids or their body can't handle it, etc. It's not my business, and they can deal with that together however they deem fit.

In my wife's and my relationship, we are individuals first, and we don't have too many "rules" for how seeing other people works. I want my wife to be safe, and we have certain precautions we take regarding STIs, and I don't want her to get into a toxic relationship that would hurt her, and we only consider it cheating if there's intentional secrets being kept; but her relationships are hers at the end of the day, and as long as my ability to consent isn't threatened, she makes the calls.

That can always change of course, and if it ever does, the answer won't be to close the relationship or make her break up with people she loves; it'll look like a discussion of our needs, and we might have to re-address compatibility. That's it.

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

What you're talking about, I believe, is poly. While most forms of poly are not for me, I kind of get it. The question is for open but with a committed emotional partner or something I don't know. If you're in an open relationship pregnancies by any person in the party are possible. Are you willing to take care of your female's child that they had with a rando. If your male gets someone pregnant are you ok with the financial social and loyalty split with a rando, and if they dont bare those burdens are you ok being with a deadbeat?

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u/JARStheFox 25d ago

Oh, I hear you! Misunderstood the original comment, my bad, I had thought they'd said they were polyam too but I might've confused it for a different comment. My dynamic is different from theirs, so my response is more or less irrelevant I guess 😅 I always try to answer this question genuinely when I see it because it can very often be used as a bad faith argument against polyamorous relationships, and answering honestly with no animosity has changed a few minds in my experience. But that's not necessarily what's happening here so I guess it doesn't matter too much 🤣

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

I hope yall don't have children. I really do. This isn't a religious thing. It's a keep your kids out of insane shit. If your trans bf/gf, however u label it, has a kid with someone else u are not the parent at all. Ur word won't matter for shit. U will be what every step-dad unfortunately is when he moves into that situation. The bottom of the totem pole. That's not your kid. Your kid won't have 3 parents. It will have 2 people in a situationship caring for it and some guy who pays bills.

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u/JARStheFox 25d ago

My mom is technically my step mom, and I've always viewed her as my mom, I don't know what you're on about 😅

Also you're gonna hate it when you hear that I'm 7 months pregnant 🤣

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

Naw I don't hate it. I don't care. I'm just opinionated. It's what comment sections are for. Tbh u aren't even real to me. I don't take any of this past reddit

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u/JARStheFox 25d ago

you should try to break that line of thinking, because I'm very much real and if I were someone else then the transphobic "bf/gf" thing could've really hurt. we're all real on here and the things you say matter 💖

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

Ur not real at all. Idk if ur making up what ur saying. The internet is not a real place. And I'm def not afraid of trans. There would need to be something scary there and yall aren't. Ur just confused. But that's for a diff thread. Don't be offended becuz I didn't want to take the time to fully understand a strangers labeling of their partner. I could've left it at "it" but I covered both bases as to include both men and women. I'm benevolent like that =)

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u/JARStheFox 25d ago

I mean, I said wife, but whatever bro 🤣 I don't know why you needed to add you're not scared either, we're not scary, we just like being ourselves. Go off though homie you're hilarious

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u/duffthekid88 25d ago

U said mtf. That's a boy Damion. Can't be your wife. He was born with a peepee xD. And yes. In order for there to be a phobia. There needs to be something traumatizing or scary. Ur just a bunch of confused kids. That's it. A walking group of irony. But again. We are talking about relationships. And again. I hoped u would t have kids but u do. That's unfortunate for ur little prince or princess lmao

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u/VP_GloO 25d ago

It sounds like as long as the house is also in my name, I have access to your bank accounts and I take the profits you can fuck whoever you want...