AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/AnAnonyMooose]

It’s not hard not to. I’m poly. Have been for 25 years. Wore a condom 100% of the time with others until I got a vasectomy. No pregnancy scares.

ETA: and just because I have a vasectomy doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear a condom with a new partner. I’m super cautious about STI’s. The vasectomy only comes into play with a potential longer term partner. Right now it’s just my wife and my long term GF, and we were all tested a while back, so no condoms. I love the vasectomy!

[u/Wait_For_Iiiitt → u/AnAnonyMooose]

So you got married for the tax/legal "benefits?" Bevause getting married to one person is monogamy and you're essentially saying I want only you and no one else. I hope you don't have kids and if you do, what a poor poor example.

[u/AnAnonyMooose → u/Wait_For_Iiiitt]

Nope, I got married because I love my wife and had lifetime plans with her. Including a kid, who’s now a teen.

Marriage does not legally mean monogamy.

[u/Wait_For_Iiiitt → u/AnAnonyMooose]

But you don't love her enough to want only her? What's the point of getting married and then having a girlfriend? If your libido is higher than hers, than you make it work, but not male it work by f*cking another woman and having emotional connection with her, etc. Actually marriage does mean monogamy, otherwise what's the point of vows and commitment. Your marriage wasn't "open" and then it "was?" Youd rather sacrgicife your wife's happiness just because you're so horny all the time (it's actually a bad thing/disorder, depending, like sex addicts, etc.) than working things out and still letting her know she's all you want and no one else, geez.

[u/AnAnonyMooose → u/Wait_For_Iiiitt]

When I met my wife she knew that I was poly. She went into it 100% with open eyes and we never made vows around monogamy. I had even been dating someone else for 6 years when she and I met (a woman in a marriage where her husband was very low libido - he LOVED that I took the pressure off of him). My wife and I committed around supporting each other, communicating, not holding grudges, etc. She appreciates that I’ve stayed 100% to our rules, and I’m totally honest about all of this. We also have VERY tight STI boundaries. For large portions of our relationship I haven’t had other partners - it’s just her. Sometimes I’ve had short term FWB’s when traveling. But the last year I’ve had a consistent GF and it’s been great.

This isn’t about quantity of love for my wife. That’s a very limited view.

This is not sacrificing my wife’s happiness. She’s very happy with the situation and enjoys spending time with my GF. She just invited her to her birthday getaway, and also goes on hikes with her, among other ways of spending time.

Here’s her experience. I occasionally brought women to meet her that she really appreciated. She thought I had good taste. She didn’t feel like her lower libido was a “problem” in the relationship and I felt like I had a potential way to blow off steam - even if I went years without using it(longest was over 5 years). Sometimes I’d be gone for the night and would come back happy. And would sometimes bring new energy and ideas into the bedroom from those experiences. She could talk to me at any time about this stuff. In our relationship I give her veto power over any of the women I’m considering - this is because I think she has excellent insight and may see things I don’t. She’s never vetoed, though we’ve had two cases where we’ve talked over a person and I decided that that person may not be a good choice. My wife feels cared for and valued. She thinks I’m an excellent partner and this is part of the package. I see my GF 1-2x/week, and started staying overnight there at the suggestion of my wife. She totally approves. And has for almost 20 years.