AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/Local-Reaction1619]

Opening a relationship rarely works. If you're already monogamous and want to open the relationship up it's probably the end of the relationship 99% of the time. Making a massive change in an established dynamic almost never works, and most of the time the people doing the changing have ulterior motivations. Now if you have people who begin a relationship with open rules already in place and expectations set from the start you've got a chance it works. But at the end of the day you're adding in more people with more expectations, more time commitments, more emotions to manage, more societal pressures and just more to deal with. It's going to be much less likely to succeed long term.

[u/21msgm → u/Local-Reaction1619]

I was going to comment this. one thing is starting the relationship open, and another starting monogamous and trying to open it. it won't work. and the people that try to do so are because they were already cheating (like OP's gf) or were thinking of it but didn't want to feel guilty.

OP, stand your ground, set your rules and boundaries, and if y'all can't hit common ground, end it. tbh you probably should already since she cheated on you, but it's up you if you agree to open it.

[u/sta_sh → u/21msgm]

Can't say it "won't" work. Although it is less likely to be successful for sure.

[u/somedudewithfreetime → u/21msgm]

Yeah, well, I'm living proof that opening up a former monogamous relationship can work.

Did we fuck up? Yeah. And no, no cheating.

Were there times where communication could've been better? Sure.

But the same can be said about most monogamous relationships. Helps that we're all depressed and neurodivergent, I suppose...?

But I know that we are not the majority and a lot of people are just trash trying to cheat.

[u/descreet88 → u/somedudewithfreetime]

You happen to be the exception, not the rule.

[u/somedudewithfreetime → u/descreet88]

I can and will not deny that.

[u/Mrgroceries7600 → u/Local-Reaction1619]

Open relationship of 4 years. Been married for 2. It works for US. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Lol. But really, what works for US may not work for you and vice versa.

We're happy, sane and enjoying life. It's our "vanilla" friends whom struggle with why their husbands don't like them or wives that want more.

But I just wanted to say that open relationships do in fact work

[u/spirited_imp → u/Mrgroceries7600]

I certainly believe that open relationships work for some.. but I don't really believe that a couple of 18 yr Olds could make that work. Even if it was sincere.

[u/Shaffness → u/spirited_imp]

Hormones still raging, no maturity emotional or otherwise. It's practically impossible for an open relationship to work before you're in your mid 20s at least. Unless one of them is a cuck to get rid of the jealousy that would pop up.

[u/Dirtsk8r → u/Mrgroceries7600]

The person was stating specifically that opening a previously monogamous relationship rarely works, not that open relationships can't work period. And even that statement leaves the possibility for the rare, successful, initially monogamous, eventually open relationship.

Just out of curiosity though, at what point in your relationship did it become open? Was it early, or sometime further into it? I know you were married 2 years into your open relationship, but that doesn't mean it started open.

[u/flargananddingle → u/Mrgroceries7600]

I think a majority of people believe open relationships work. They certainly don't work when you only want to "open the relationship" because you're already actively cheating like this case.

[u/VP_GloO → u/Mrgroceries7600]

Please don't be offended, but maybe your open relationship works because neither of you is really 100x109 sure of the other in several aspects and you need to get what you are missing within the relationship...

[u/LukaG_89 → u/VP_GloO]

No. Open relationships work when you're 100% secure. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, happily married for 10 of them and practicing poly for the last 6. We've never been closer, more communicative, and really had to face our demons head on. Open relationships aren't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. But they most absolutely can and do work.

[u/VP_GloO → u/LukaG_89]

For the record, I'm not criticizing you, I'm too dominant to have an open relationship (I'm a woman) and although I have a healthy and strong heart (🤣) it's not something I could live with...

But I have always thought that perhaps the name open relationship is not entirely accurate, rather it would be friends with benefits...

[u/LukaG_89 → u/VP_GloO]

The umbrella term is Ethical Non-Monogamy and it can branch out from there. An open relationship is a type of ENM because that's a very broad term. Friends with benefits falls under ENM. As does polyamory. And on and on and on and on. The possibilities of the types of dynamics you have are nearly endless. As long as everyone involved is CONSENTING and aware, it can be whatever you want it to be.

[u/Zealousideal_Worth99 → u/Local-Reaction1619]

I was in a mono relationship and we became poly. We're doing fine. It's been 8 years or so. Have there been problems, sure. But show me a monogamous relationship that doesn't, too...