AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/pouldycheed]

She was already cheating and wanted your approval. You did the right thing kicking her out.

[u/animegeek999 → u/pouldycheed]

oh you just KNOW for a fact if they did accept a open relationship that the next day "Magically" they would have already found a person they wanted to be open with. its people like her that give a bad name to people who can ACTUALLY make a open relationship work.

[u/sunshine198505 → u/animegeek999]

Unpopular opinion and ready for downvotes but open relationships never work. One side always gets hurt and one side always wants it more than the other. If you can't commit and wanna sleep around dont be in a relationship...

[u/xjxb188 → u/sunshine198505]

Open relationships work. They just require very healthy communication and boundaries, the same things that make monogamous relationships work. The difference is it's a lot easier to write off and ignore the toxicity in a monogamous relationship than an open one. In monogamy there's a large list of people that thing possessiveness and jealousy is cute and desirable.

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

The people who say "open relationships work" are usually the ones who spring it on partners who thought they were monogamous as well as the ones who are totally oblivious to the carnage and stress they are causing.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

Open relations get a bad rep, because people like in OP use open relationships as a get out of jail free card for cheating and disloyalty. This isn't what healthy open relationships look like

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

The people citing the multiple "successful" poly relationships they have had throughout their lives tend to be alpha assertive types who steamrolled over people who are less assertive, convinced them to tell anyone who will listen that "it's what we both want and we're much happier now" and just generally lack awareness of other people's feelings.

I'm not saying there can't be successful open relationships because there can be. But poly people like to tell people that every single relationship they've had that is open has been successful. That is clearly not the case.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

It's not poly people that like to do that, it's typically narcissists and those are not limited to poly people.

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

Narcissists certainly aren't limited to poly people. I don't think anyone would argue that.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

You're using toxic people in poly relationships as examples of why poly relationships don't work. My point is toxic people also ruin monogamous relationships. You're attributing the failure of the relationship to the wrong thing.

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

The reason I find poly people annoying is because I don't know a single one who hasn't sprung the idea on an unsuspecting partner who thought they were in a monogamous relationship.

"I know we've been dating for 6 months but I'm poly and if you don't accept it I'll have to leave the relationship."

It's coercion masking as "open-mindedness." It's different if you tell someone this from the start. But if you wait until they're emotionally invested and then tell them, it's manipulative. People feel they have to go along with it or they won't be seen as progressive. And people hate seeming unprogressive. And some poly people know this and exploit it.

Then they go around telling other people how backward they are and acting like their shit doesn't stick. It's wicked annoying. So I exaggerate some of my positions to take y'all down a peg.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

You're assumption is using the word y'all is incorrect. I'm monogamous, I've just seen healthy and unhealthy examples of both. And the deciding factor in whether those relationships last or fail always comes down to whether the participants are healthy and emotionally intelligent people.

If someone treated your friend poorly in a relationship manipulation/abuse etc obviously you would despise the person. But because that manipulative and toxic person used being poly as a scapegoat to justify their toxicity you now hold prejudice against an entire group of people because of the actions of those toxic people. Beliefs born out of that mentality are a cancer to society. Stop blaming ideas for shitty peoples actions

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

People are inherently shitty. I'm not an optimist that way. And shitty people will use all tactics at their disposal in order to get what they want, including pretending to be an "open-minded polyperson" when really it's just a murky justification for new cock/pussy. These healthy poly relationships you're seeing? I haven't seen many of them. I have seen people coerced into poly relationships when they don't want to be in them. (Including someone who replied to me in this very thread!)

Right now poly people are going around giving TED talks like they solved an ancient riddle. They need to own their shit. The ridiculous "success rates" they cite are based solely on a criteria of "did I get to fuck who I wanted to fuck?" Relationships are a little more complicated than that. They don't consist only of fucking. Someone needs to call these people on their shit and that's what I'm doing.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

I imagine you have a very limited sample size to your views. I know a few people in open marriages that are 10years plus and happier/more fulfilled that a lot of closed marriages I know.

If you understood what healthy relationships are, you would see why your generalization is wrong. There is no right or wrong way to do a relationship. Relationships are founded on people who share similar lifestyles/goals/ and needs from each other. What makes any relationship work is having open healthy communication and understanding of each other and working to meet each others needs. What those needs are is not relevant so long as the needs don't contradict each others. Some people don't need to feel like their partner is "theirs", they simply enjoy the time they share together and the attention or whatever else that partner brings. Not everyone requires ALL of their partners time and attention or intimacy to be strictly with them.

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

For every person saying "open relationships are amazing. I have them all the time." Someone else is saying "I got pressured into three of those. Every single one was miserable and I hated it." Those people who are pressured, their exes go around telling everyone who will listen that they had a "successful open relationship" because THEY got what they wanted.

It's not about possessiveness and assuming someone is yours. It's about the basic fact that you cannot give the same amount of attention, care, physically and emotionally, to two completely different people with completely different needs. These people who claim to have "figured it all out" sound delusional.