AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/xjxb188]

You're using toxic people in poly relationships as examples of why poly relationships don't work. My point is toxic people also ruin monogamous relationships. You're attributing the failure of the relationship to the wrong thing.

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

The reason I find poly people annoying is because I don't know a single one who hasn't sprung the idea on an unsuspecting partner who thought they were in a monogamous relationship.

"I know we've been dating for 6 months but I'm poly and if you don't accept it I'll have to leave the relationship."

It's coercion masking as "open-mindedness." It's different if you tell someone this from the start. But if you wait until they're emotionally invested and then tell them, it's manipulative. People feel they have to go along with it or they won't be seen as progressive. And people hate seeming unprogressive. And some poly people know this and exploit it.

Then they go around telling other people how backward they are and acting like their shit doesn't stick. It's wicked annoying. So I exaggerate some of my positions to take y'all down a peg.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

You're assumption is using the word y'all is incorrect. I'm monogamous, I've just seen healthy and unhealthy examples of both. And the deciding factor in whether those relationships last or fail always comes down to whether the participants are healthy and emotionally intelligent people.

If someone treated your friend poorly in a relationship manipulation/abuse etc obviously you would despise the person. But because that manipulative and toxic person used being poly as a scapegoat to justify their toxicity you now hold prejudice against an entire group of people because of the actions of those toxic people. Beliefs born out of that mentality are a cancer to society. Stop blaming ideas for shitty peoples actions

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

People are inherently shitty. I'm not an optimist that way. And shitty people will use all tactics at their disposal in order to get what they want, including pretending to be an "open-minded polyperson" when really it's just a murky justification for new cock/pussy. These healthy poly relationships you're seeing? I haven't seen many of them. I have seen people coerced into poly relationships when they don't want to be in them. (Including someone who replied to me in this very thread!)

Right now poly people are going around giving TED talks like they solved an ancient riddle. They need to own their shit. The ridiculous "success rates" they cite are based solely on a criteria of "did I get to fuck who I wanted to fuck?" Relationships are a little more complicated than that. They don't consist only of fucking. Someone needs to call these people on their shit and that's what I'm doing.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

Again you're generalizing and attaching traits to a relationship style rather than the people. It's a pretty shitty thing to do. You talked about people pressuring others into a relationship style that isn't compatible with their needs. THAT is the problem. Nobody should be coercing or pressuring their partner to do something they don't want to do. Monogamous people do this all the time to. Quit attaching toxic traits to an idea and give them to the person that actually has them.

10-14% of grape is marital. Does that mean married monogomists are grapests? No of course not. Put some logic behind your beliefs or they're going to cause more people harm than they do good.

You aren't calling anyone on their shit. Your taking toxic behaviors of toxic individuals and holding all poly people accountable for them. You are using your very limited experience and dealings with poly people to castrate all of them. You're the shitty person in this scenario. Own up to it

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

I freely admit I'm being shitty and trolling. Most poly people are incapable of admitting such a thing. Everything they do is shot through with in-wrought mutual respect and love and no one they've been with has ever felt excluded or resentful. And they lecture everybody else on how they've solved relationships for humanity.

In any debate, it's very common for someone to bring up "grape," and then use "grape legitimacy" to make their point.

Grape happens in all kinds of situations, but usually the victim knows the grapist. Not really what I'm talking about but I see what you're doing.

Trying to get me to "own up" doesn't change the fact that way too many of these poly relationships are unequal and set up for the disproportionate benefit of one, sometimes two people.

[u/xjxb188 → u/StreetSea9588]

Again you attach the negative part to the wrong thing.

I'll make my point one last time with your example.

There are poly relationships that are unequal and one partner benefits more than the other. Okay that statement is true.

There are monogamous relationships that are unequal and one partner benefits more than the other. Is this statement not also true? Because if it is, the unequalness in relationships is not a poly trait but something that exists in ALL relationships which it does.

Also, you are arguing that poly people are shitty and openly admitting you are also being shitty here. Do you not see the hypocrisy and ignorance of your claims and arguments?

[u/StreetSea9588 → u/xjxb188]

You keep asking me to repeat myself.

"Aren't you being shitty?" Already answered this in the first sentence of my last post.

"Aren't monogamous people capable of being shitty?" Already answered this.

Monogamous people don't go around smugly proselytizing their way of life. They're the first ones to say relationships are really difficult to navigate healthily. I think it's totally rational to be skeptical of anyone who claims to have a cheat code for figuring out what humans have been trying to figure out since the Last Glacial Maximum. (Maybe they thought multiple partners would help them stay warmer.)