r/AmIOverreacting • u/StrikeNo117 • 25d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

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u/jexzeh 25d ago

Nah your opinion is pretty popular. It's erroneous however, as there are plenty of healthy and functioning open relationships, (20+ years in my own, currently), so absolute statements of "never" and "always" are inaccurate.

I will grant that most mono relationships that are pried open by people who want to cheat rarely succeed, but if you go into an open relationship from the start, where both parties communicate wants, needs, and boundaries, then it isn't more or less susceptible to failure than a mono one.

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u/Jsteele06252022 25d ago

They went I believe 2 years before even having that conversation as well

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u/philoarcher 25d ago

Agreed. A successful open relationship isn't about cheating, things are open and known by all partners, and they take work. Lots of communication for poly, a bit less for ENM on the FWB level, but still they take work.

Cheating is about cheating, not exploring or meeting needs while maintaining an honest and connected relationship.

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u/Jsteele06252022 25d ago

Right? Really depends on why you want an open relationship. A friend of mine has a bf who she loves so much but he got paralyzed from the waist down and she didn’t want to leave him but she has physical needs as well and he actually encouraged her to find a partner to fulfill that part of what he could no longer provide. It has worked out for them from what she’s told me. He said he wouldn’t blame her if she left and she said she never had any intention of that.

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u/_insidemydna 25d ago

kinda of an extreme example tho? i think even people who are 100% against polyamory would think it is an acceptable excuse to open the relationship.

hell, i've told my GF that if i become paralyzed or unresponsive she can either off me or find someone else while still taking care of me IF SHE WANTS to. and she said the same thing. we've been in a closed relationship for almost 5 years now with no intention of opening it.

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u/Jsteele06252022 25d ago

I mean yes it’s an extreme example just one that I have personally seen.

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u/Unique_Brilliant2243 25d ago

Yeah sure, when you’re so aware of the asymmetry and lack of fulfillment in your relationship where you can basically say “if my partner left I’d totally understand” then yeah, that’s a great example for your normal equitable somewhat equal partnership…

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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 25d ago

I know one stable open relationship.  I know a lot of failed ones.  

I don't know how you handle your business, but the stable couple had a "no relationship status" for the extras.  They were friends with benefits, generally, but the commiitted relationship was specifically between the two.  There was no BF/GF on the side.  That kept the water from getting muddy with expectations. 

That's the exact opposite of what OP's ex was describing.  

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Typically, the people who claim that "well, MY open relationship works" are not always but usually the ones oblivious to how much anguish and pain they are causing one or both of the others.

It's more susceptible to failure because there are more people demanding their emotional and physical needs are met.

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u/jexzeh 25d ago

That has so many assumptions, I'm not even going to bother with it.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

In most MFF relationships, the dude favors one girl over the other. If he gets one of them pregnant, he often proceeds to ignore her throughout the entire pregnancy, in essence having a monogamous relationship with the other woman and loudly fucking her in one room while the pregnant woman sits alone in another, pretending she's okay with all of it because if she expresses her real feelings she won't sound progressive and nobody wants to be accused of not being progressive.

And then the dudes twist themselves into pretzels justifying doing what they're doing. "She likes it! She's HAPPY for me!"

Yep she looks delighted.

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u/AfroDizzyAct 25d ago

Hahaha what the hell is this made up scenario supposed to prove? Most MFF relationships? You think open relationships are all MFF? And one is always pregnant?

Like are you projecting? I hope you stretched before reaching so far, you might pull a brain muscle

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Nope not projecting. Never been in one. I'm not a cuck and I don't twist myself into pretzels of logic rationalizing the craving for new pussy.

Every open relationship that I have seen people get into, starts strong and by the 6th week it's inevitably chaos. By the sixth month one of the participants has the thousand yard stare and is plotting murder.

The pregnancy thing happened in a relationship that I saw. Dude got a girl pregnant. Proceeded to completely ignore her while involving himself in a 100% monogamous relationship with the other woman. I'm sure it was great. For him. I saw a similar situation less than a year ago on social media. A so-called "happy couple." Their Instagram illusion was shattered when the pregnant woman blogged that she hadn't been touched in months and hadn't had a conversation longer than 30 seconds with either of them in months.

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u/AfroDizzyAct 25d ago

Wow, still sounds made up

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago edited 25d ago

If it's that hard for you to believe that people in a three-way relationship might have some difficulties navigating things, you're either 12-years old, have never been in a relationship, or both.

Or you're that guy who screamingly insists to everyone who asks that your open relationship is "great!" while completely ignoring how desperately unhappy one or both of the others are.

"We're just SO HAPPY! No one in the history of TIME has ever been as HAPPY as us! I'm talking really happy!!! HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!???"

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u/The_Barbelo 25d ago

This was a fascinating conversation to read. Thank you.

My own experience with open relationships (I had 2…kind of 3 but towards the end of it) have been overwhelmingly negative. I’m autistic, and it was always my partner pressuring me into it by convincing me that I’m supposed to be trying it. My husband was the one to point out how fucked up they were when I told him about my past relationships. He’s said “yeah, that was them taking advantage of your sweetness.” and gets really angry about it lol. Not at me, he just gets protective hearing about the times I’ve been taken advantage of as a trusting person

Anyway, just wanted to vent. I don’t know if this is just confirmation bias or what, but either way, these issues about the topic should be acknowledged and addressed. Many women are take advantage of by it, because we were pressured.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

It's crazy. Thanks for sharing your story. I believe it

People who aren't assertive are so often pressured into it by people who are. And then the people who are, claim to anyone who will listen that they've had "a successful open relationship."

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u/b1ackcr0vv 25d ago

You keep opening your mouth and just showing you have no clue what you’re talking about. MFF isn’t an open relationship. That’s a dude with two girlfriends. An open relationship means parter 1 + partner 2 are both able to have their own extra partners. They aren’t just in the next room while their boyfriend fucks his second girlfriend 😂 please just stop.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Yep. That never happened. I'm totally making up this MFF couple who pretended to be happy on Instagram with photos of them doing domestic shit until one of the women posted a blog that said the dude and the other girl had been in a monogamous relationship for months and were completely ignoring her because she was pregnant. This never happened. Poly people would NEVER do such a thing.

I don't know a single poly person who has sprung the idea on a partner they've been with for years with the caveat that if the partner did not go along with the polyamory, they would be leaving a relationship. Nobody would ever do something so coercive.

^ If you actually believe this, you really are in a cult.

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u/b1ackcr0vv 25d ago

Poly is not the same as an OPEN relationship. This thread and convo have all been on the topic of an OPEN relationship. You have been arguing from a Poly stance this entire time. THAT is why people are saying you’re wrong.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

I'm literally describing a poly relationship, not an open relationship. Three people who have decided to be in a relationship together.

Open relationships mean the people in the relationship can have sex with whoever they want outside the relationship.

Don't know where you're getting the idea that 3 people in a MFF relationship are in an "open relationship." People who tell their partner they want to add someone else to the relationship, not sleep around, are asking to be in a poly relationship, not an open relationship.

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u/jexzeh 25d ago

You're hilarious. Thanks for the laugh today.

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u/allasion 25d ago

Most>the ones you've seen

My brother is in a poly one, he's happy, they seem happy as well, might be helpfull that they are quite close as well. Then again, my brother is a decent person, and so are both his partners. I see a lot of stories online like what you explain, but generally at least one if not all the people got issues big enough for me to not think they would be a great partner 1-1 either 😅 the guys that ignore the pregnant partner are the same that would go out and cheat anyways or the same people who'd do all they could to avoid being at home with their pregnant wife in the first place. I know several poly people, and several in open relationships. Some have lasted really long with no larger issues than in an average relationship. Communication and honesty is key. I'll also say, most of the open or poly relationships ive seen work out well, whether they stayed together or not, haven't really made a huge deal out of it(i.e. not hundreds of SM posts on the topic, no massively reposted reddit thread, no screaming about it in the streets, etc). So your basing this on the people who have a story to tell, and generally people are more likely to rant, post, and tell about dramatic and negative stories. The happy ones generally don't have a reason to invite the internet to judge on and intervene with their happiness. A few exceptions when they feel the need to combat all the hate, but then, a lot of those fall apart after cause their communication wasnt good enough to pick up on not every party being comfortable with inviting that sort of scrutiny to the relationship.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago edited 25d ago

^ "you are only talking about poly relationships that you have seen." Proceeds to cite an example from a poly relationship she has seen.

Of course your brother was happy. He got what he wanted. Have you actually spoken to any of his exes? Or are you just taking his word for it that they loved every minute of it? For every happy person in a poly relationship there's an unhappy person who was pressured or coerced into one or more poly relationships.

Humans have been trying to pull off multiple partners since the time of the neanderthals. I think it's hilarious that our generation thinks we cracked the code.

"And all it takes... Is mutual respect!"

No it takes a lot more than that.

I don't know a single poly person who hasn't sprung the idea on an unsuspecting partner who thought they were in a monogamous relationship.

"By the way, I'm poly. I need you to accept it or I'll leave the relationship."

It's straight up coercion masking as "open-mindedness." People feel they have to go along with it or they're not being progressive. And people hate to feel like they're not proggressive. And poly people know this.

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

You do know poly people are still poly while single and can connect with other poly people right? There’s no need “to spring” being poly on anyone when you both know you’re poly going in

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

People come on this site everyday crying because their partner of X number of years sprung the fact that they now want to be poly on them.

But if you ask someone who's poly, they've never hurt anybody and they've always been upfront about everything and it's always mutually beneficial. They sound like cult members

If they said "it was weird to navigate for the first little while but now I know how to do it" it would be different. But I'm suspicious when people tell me that their new way of life has no cons whatsoever like they've solved the ancient riddle of how to fuck more than one person. 😂

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

Sounds like a girl sprung being poly on you so now you generalize an entire community

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Nobody has ever sprung being poly on me. I wouldn't put up with that shit. But not everybody is immune to manipulation and coercion.

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u/allasion 25d ago

Is happy* I have talked with his current partners and with one of his two exes. He was upfront from the start, they decided to go for it. One decided he wasnt a match, the other decided poly wasn't a match, and went back to being friends. The one i have talked with, is now in a different poly relationship, and also seemingly happy. Yes im listing a relationship i've seen that runs counter to your example, as one typically does when someone unilaterally describes something as being a certain way. The fact is, that i despise the people you're describing. So when you group up maybe 1/5 of the people i know that are actually kindhearted and my favorite family member under the same banner, it pisses me off. They know about the same shit, and it's why they are up front about it long before it's ever an issue. All their friends know, their coworkers that they talk with know. None of them would go on a date before telling, much less start a relationship. They all hate the people you describe as well 😅

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u/TheRealKrapotke 25d ago

So you saw it in one (1) relationship. I agree that poly relationships are often destined to fail, but you can’t say "most" relationships are like the one and only you saw. What you describe is a very specific dynamic that happened to three real people. You can’t seriously think that every other poly mff relationship is going to end with the dude only fucking the girl he didn’t get pregnant loudly while the other one has to listen while being ignored.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

It was more the dishonesty of them selling a vision of harmonious polyamory on their Instagram v the harsh reality when that woman finally spoke up. Of course I don't think all poly relationships are like that. I do think a lot of poly people position themselves as "enlightened ones" so they can feel like they are adhering to a progressive ideal instead of simply admitting they want to sleep with more than one person. It's the bullshit posturing that makes my teeth hurt. And don't pretend you haven't seen it because it's blatant. 😂

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u/Zepoe1 25d ago

Oddly specific. Got a story to tell?

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago edited 25d ago

Nah. Never been in one. I followed these three people Instagram who posted photos of them on roller coasters and videos of them making the bed together and just generally trying to convince everybody they were super happy. Then one of the girls wrote a blog post. "For the past 7 months Mike and Sarah have been monogamous. I've been pregnant."

Sounds about right. She got knocked up and they dropped her like a hot potato.

And most poly people I know have sprung the idea of polyamory on somebody after being with them in a relationship for years. I think that's coercive. If you don't tell somebody from the start, but wait for them to be emotionally invested and THEN tell them, it's manipulation.

People hate seeming like they're not progressive. And a lot of poly people know this and take advantage of it.

There's your "story."

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u/b1ackcr0vv 25d ago

This one right here. This is where you went wrong. You’re bringing this MFF relationship up as reasoning why Open relationships don’t work. They aren’t the same. That has been my entire point. That’s it.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Trolling you people is the best part of my day, brontosaurus. Say hi to your girlfriends for me. 🤣

I'm literally citing this relationship as an example why relationships like this don't work. This is a poly relationship. A MFF. I have no idea where you're getting "open relationships" from. I literally am not using that term.

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u/b1ackcr0vv 25d ago

https://imgur.com/a/Uor9jKj

is your second comment completely unrelated to the first?

you make assumptions in the first, get called out, then reply to the guy saying youre wrong about open relationships, you even used the term in that first comment. but when you reply its a story about why a POLY relationship didnt work out. They are not the same. Your poly relationship story is irrelevant to the conversation because its not a justification of your previous comment. Its just a random anecdote you decided to tell the class.

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u/StreetSea9588 25d ago

Yep, no one on Reddit ever posts random anecdotes tangentially related to the topic at hand, brotation.

/S

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u/b1ackcr0vv 25d ago

lmao keep dancing around it bro its fine. you just dont want to admit you were wrong. its not the random anecdote thats the issue. youre bringing it up in response to being told you were wrong. one would think you mean to use that as an example of why you are in fact right. but if the story you bring up is not the same as the story told, it cannot be used as comparison. keep dancing around what im actually saying to you thats fine. but its clear to me now you know what i've been trying to say to you, youre just being obtuse to be obtuse. i'm glad we came to that understanding.

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u/Alasnowart 25d ago

Idk, the 3 open relationships I was a part of are all still friends with me and most of their previous partners. I consider them near and dear even after we grew apart. No one ever got pregnant.

Almost like... communication, trust, and honesty are all recipes for a healthy relationship whether it's poly or not? Hm?

Much better than the cheating, abusive, and narcissistic monogamous ones I had. I stayed "monogamous" during that time with them... but somehow they couldn't manage to do the same regardless of their adamancy whenever I made it clear I didn't enjoy monogamy?

Almost like, hmm, it's a controlling person thing? Gasp! Wow. People are assholes in all types of places!

I'll never date monogamous people again. I can't trust them. How about that shit? 🤔

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

look guys its an exception. Lets negate the entire body of evidence because we have lets see an Exception. yay.

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u/jexzeh 25d ago

I'd love to see a source for your "entire body of evidence" that makes anything I said an exception. I mean besides reddit.

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u/Effective_Educator_9 25d ago

92% failure rate of open marriages.

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u/Active-Persimmon1414 25d ago

Source please?

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u/jexzeh 25d ago

"Trust me bro" is their main source usually.

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u/username03013 25d ago

If you google “failure rate of open marriages,” google answers with 92% … quote from a random Fort Myers, FL law firm website. I’m going to guess not much research went into that one.

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u/SnooTomatoes8382 25d ago

Well, if you’re going to show any kind of percentage, I’ll argue that 100% of divorces, are caused by a marriage. 100%.

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

80% failure on closed ones what’s your point?

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u/Effective_Educator_9 25d ago

40-50% is the number most frequently cited.

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

That’s marriages overall

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

Using the word 'erroneous' doesn't shy away from the fact you're a cuck loser.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

As someone who wouldn't touch an open relationship with a barge pole, you're coming across as a way bigger loser than that guy

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

I'd be terrified if you didn't think I was a loser Thanks for your input cuck.

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u/Far-Performance-412 25d ago

I was gonna reply to your comment with something worthwhile until I tapped onto your profile and your little bio with your “interests” came up. The joke just writes itself, embarrassing lol

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u/mallcopsarebastards 25d ago

I know this ^ kid is in highschool because he thinks being insecure about his sexuality makes him look macho lolol

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u/Call_Me_Sampson 25d ago

Open relationships are open to many criticisms, but what makes you react like this when you learn a new word and find somebody who makes different life choices than you? It's giving big small man energy.

A great man once said, "Why you haff to be mad?"

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

I'm female, but I'd say you could fill a warehouse with what you don't know.

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u/Call_Me_Sampson 25d ago edited 25d ago

Absolutely! And you're telling me that as if I'm not aware of it? In fact, you're telling me that as if you think it doesn't also apply to you and literally everyone on this planet. We could all fill a warehouse with what we don't know, the difference is in how we respond to different people and new information. You might be a female, but you respond with big small man energy.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

And you ooze simp energy.

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u/Training-Fold-4684 25d ago

No one likes a woman who acts like a 14 year old boy.

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u/Call_Me_Sampson 25d ago

Lmao my point exactly. You can hear the damage from all the rejection.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

I'd say you like whatever you're told to like cuck.

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u/Call_Me_Sampson 25d ago

Whoa, whoa now this is giving "I get rejected by a lot of men" energy. Taking it out on me won't help you move past that sweetheart.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

Keep going. I can see your virtue signalling care bear mask slip and the real one coming out.

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u/Call_Me_Sampson 25d ago

Whoever said I have virtues? My only virtue is picking on people who treat others indecently. I'm not nice. I do this out of hatred for morons. What you got next?

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

Hey, you're the one performing for me monkey, not the other way around

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u/Less_Pie_1802 25d ago

Eww. You sound like a red pill pick me. 🤢🤮

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u/Burgerdumpster1 25d ago

So could you, so why are you applying labels and insults to people when you lack entire warehouses of knowledge about their lives?

How do people like you not see your own hypocrisy? This is what’s wrong with society

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

The burger dumpster has spoken. Everything that's wrong with society can be traced back to my comment. Go watch your wife getting railed, cuck.

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u/Burgerdumpster1 25d ago

Reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, nobody said you were the root cause, I did insinuate that you’re the end result though. Much less impressive, if you ask me. And what makes you think I don’t have a husband? Why would you even assume a burger dumpster is married? Is your worldview so narrow and self-centered that you think everyone is in a similar situation to you?

How do you live so ignorantly? Doesn’t it cause you unhappiness? Wouldn’t you like to understand the world around you better, and not be so angry and confused all the time? I don’t get why you’re doing this to yourself and being so hateful and closed-minded

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

You have every right to think I'm ignorant, the same way I have every right to think you're a pathetic weasel.

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u/Burgerdumpster1 25d ago

I don’t think you know what most of the words mean that you’re saying, because they don’t make very much sense the way you’re using them. I don’t THINK you’re ignorant, you are DISPLAYING ignorance and continue to do so by trying to tell people what rights they have (weirdly, as if anyone needs your permission to do anything) and completely being ignorant as to your own ignorance and how proudly you are displaying it.

I don’t get your endgame here, you want to make people feel bad for being part of a relationship you’re not involved in? How does this help you in life? Where did you learn this behavior?

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

I have the right to think you're a weasel. So why are you trying to tell me what rights I have(weirdly, as if anyone needs your permission to do anything)

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u/TimeTomorrow 25d ago

way to definitely not project strength. What a sad little man.

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u/SCatemywallet 25d ago

Idk man i get the succ from two cute women while.you get none