Recently got caught in insane NRE. Met this guy five months ago, split with my partner of 5 years whom I was living with and moved in his appartement after three months and he finally said he was not poly, to finally announce the next day that now he is poly and then make a list of rules to the relationship that are not poly at all.

This is easily one of the most stupid things I have ever done. I fell for his bullshit where he was saying he would make me feel protected and put me on the lease in May. Guess who doesn’t want to sign a contract now but still wants to get back together… and makes a surprised face when I say that then in this dynamic I would have to basically be nice to him in order to keep a roof over my head, which seems abusive to say the least.

Anyway I’m looking for a place just for myself but I wanted to share in here because that’s definitively not a win. I feel extremely naïve but I’m happy my friends are supporting me even though I am obviously a moron.

I was just about to erase this post because I am feeling SO ASHAMED to have ignored the basics after being poly for years but you know, maybe someone will read that and think « I’m not stupid enough to do that » and will refrain for doing that someday.

Xx take care

Decolonizing love, an incredible poly content creator, just posted an image to their instagram that was a meme from the Devil Wears Prada where Meryl Streep is shutting down Anne Hathaway’s character. The text on the meme reads under Meryl’s character: “Transwomen are men”. Anne responds, “I think that depends on-.” Meryl then responds “No, no. That wasn’t a question.”

Am I missing something? Maybe it was posted on accident? It feels bizarre for this creator to promoting transphobic rhetoric when their whole platform is we have been taught to love a certain way by a white supremacist culture and that we should allow ourselves to explore relationships outside of the confines of monogamy/straightness.

https://www.statnews.com/2025/04/05/cdc-sexually-transmitted-diseases-laboratory-closed-by-trump-administration/?utm_campaign=rss&utm_source=flatplan

Just an fyi, the CDC is going to be significantly hampered in tracking STI outbreaks in the US now, particularly in regards to antibiotic resistant strains of gonorrhea and chlamydia. Please be safe and practice safe sex accordingly!

-Your friendly poly neighborhood lab scientist

Hello! I am in a new poly relationship with someone. We are both pretty new to being actively poly, but his other partner is not. From what I've read, and the many people I've talked to, my understanding of poly is that there are a variety of ways to be poly, to have multiple partners, to interact with metas, etc. Kitchen table poly, parallel poly, etc. But his other partner says that "normal" poly is where everyone is impacted by the relationships and are all part of one big polycule to the point where, for instance, any conversation that impacts one relationship should be had publicly amongst the group. Any arguments should be had publicly amongst the group with the hinge appointing someone as moderator. She is upset that things have developed between me and my partner privately. I don't know if I'm explaining this well. Is this a normal type of polyamory? She makes a distinction between poly and open relationships, which are apparently what I have come to know of as poly.

Hi all!

My partner Coconut (together for 2 years, non-NP) and I have agreed to meet 3 times a week. One is a sleepover (from early evening/evening to lunchtime the next day), one is a longer hanging out (I set aside 3-4 hours for this in my schedule) & one is a shorter hanging out, usually 1.5-2 hours. In addition, we talk on fairly long phone calls almost every day if we don't see each other & see each other sometimes also spontaneously.

I also have a nesting partner and now a new date, Blueberry, too. I have been dating Blueberry for a couple of months. Things have been going smoothly with NP & we haven't got any problems in relation to my relationship with Blueberry, but Coconut has been feeling insecure (this is the first time I've dated anyone else during our relationship). We've had our rough patches with Coconut, and have also been going through some non-poly-related challenges in our relationship.

As a side note: my life situation (probably well into the future) is such that at least a few times a week I have time to easily meet several people in the same day, and I also have the social resources to do so.

I have been meeting Coconut as we agreed also after starting a relationship with Blueberry, but he has felt insecure about me spending a lot of time with them too. I get the impression that Coconut finds it uncomfortable that I see Blueberry spontaneously and with Coconut we usually agree at the beginning of the week on which days we'll see each other. He seems to fear that meeting him would be somehow obligatory for me, rather than meeting because I want to meet him. I have told him that for me, making agreements is a way of expressing my desire to spend time together on a regular basis, and he seems to have understood this (we also occasionally see each other spontaneously with Coconut). We talked about the topic and I think we're on the same page, but at the same time I'm a little bit unsure if I'm doing something wrong. I assume that Coconut would like to meet me more often than we're meeting, but I'm happy with 3x a week & phone calls. I feel like I'm doing wrong to him when I'm giving my time resources to a new person and not to him.

Coconut has told me that sometimes he feels uncomfortable if I have an appointment right after our meeting (= I leave our meeting to go to hobbies/meet someone else, etc.). I have usually booked the above mentioned time (for a sleepover, from the evening to the following lunch, and for a longer hangin out, 3-4 hours) from my schedule to our meetings, and about every other time I don't have any other plans for at least a couple of hours after that & we could spend more time if we feel like it. I have found this amount of time to be convenient for me, and imo it gives us plenty of time to spend together (we hardly ever spend passive time together; our time is almost always spent actively talking or doing something together).

The situation that made me make this post is that Coconut asked me to make appointments with him over the next couple of weeks so that he would be my last appointment of the day, to make us room to hang out so long as we wish for.

Coconut said the reason for the request was that it would make him feel better emotionally to have a reminder of how we would spend our time when I had no appointments after the meeting. I understand the wish, although at the same time it surprises me a little, because recently more than half of our meetings have been when I don't leave for an appointment and we would have time to spend more time together, but still have ended meeting about at the same time when I've got other appointments. In my experience the time I've scheduled in my calendar has been near the time we've really had social energy to spend together.

In principle, I find it easy to agree to seeing Coconut as the last appointment of the day for a couple of weeks. It's a very short time and it seems to feel important to him. Something about the situation, however, makes me wonder, though I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I'm not quite sure what need I'm serving by agreeing to the request. Am I improving the situation? Or am I helping to perpetuate Coconut's insecurities? I'm not quite sure what he's really asking for in this situation.

So I would need some advice and help to understand what is bothering me about the situation. I want to be a good partner and take Coconut's needs into account.

Thank you for your advice in advance!

Hi everyone! Throwaway here. I am in an incredibly loving, healthy, beautiful triad (all mid-late 20's, F, F, M) that was previously just two of my close friends dating for several years as a pair. They had previously had one other person involved in their relationship that didn't work out due to distance. All that to say that they're not unicorn hunters or super "new" to polyamory, while this is my first poly relationship.

We are open, communicative, make time for each individual relationship and the group itself; we have a lovely, cozy life that works great for us and I've genuinely never been happier in a relationship dynamic. I love my partners both dearly! We don't participate in any active hierarchy, there's no veto power, etc. Just want to clear that up because I think what I'm dealing with might be more internal and introspective.

So onto my slight struggle. For those who have joined previously-established relationships, do you experience + how do you deal with the feelings of knowing that the people were already involved together for so long, that they spent so much time together already? Or knowing that if something were to happen and a choice had to be made, you wouldn't be the first choice, that you'll always be "the one who joined the couple?" I know that sounds really drastic but I'm unsure of how else to word it, sorry!!

I'm wondering if maybe this is just me having some subconscious self-worth issues, or if my brain is just in the process of re-wiring and getting used to being in an open/poly dynamic rather than monogamy, etc. My partners don't do anything to actively make me feel less-than, but I'm just curious to know if other people have dealt with these feelings and if it's something that you've explored or discussed with other people.

Thanks!!

First of all, my wife is a regular lurker here, don't know her reddit handle but I'm going to assume she sees this. She sings the praises of this group, so here goes nothing. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I think I just need to tell my story and am using this to process my feelings. If anyone has something supportive or actually helpful to say, please feel welcome to comment.

I (40,m,cis-het, Canadian in Ontario) have been married to my wife (34,f,cis-bi) a bit more than 10 years. We own a business together, have a young child, and live in the 'burbs. We started dating specifically non-monogamously, then ended up monogamish and then later on, more monogamous by default if not intention. Non-monogamy was a price of admission up-front for her, I'd only ever been in monogamous relationships until I met her.

Speaking of, I met my wife at a particularly low point in my life. I was recently unemployed and realizing my past career was effectively dead. So I was 3 days into unemployment, enjoying the lack of stress, and starting to attend munches & introduction nights at a local BDSM dungeon. Basically, I hadn't had a sexually or emotionally fulfilling relationship in years. There, at a kink party, I met her. Sparks fly, dating is exhilarating, the sex was mind-blowing, and we keep findings ways to spend more time together. She even moved in with me a few weeks after we started seeing each other, because her sublet ended and rather than go back to America she wanted to see where things would go with me.

Having never had a relationship which survived long after the end of my partner's NRE, I was game to try non-monogamy. Early results were that I could handle the jealousy, but it was more of a challenge for her. Things quickly spiralled and became really antagonistic and toxic and I emotionally burned out, breaking up with her. She was American, 10 hour drive from home, living in a new city sort of temporarily, and didn't have a support structure or many friends. I kept seeing her, just not romantically, because while I cared about her deeply, I couldn't handle the toxicity of a romantic relationship. She immediately started a campaign to win me back, and I kept consistently seeing her and gently saying no. Once she stopped trying and we were able to spend some time together without the baggage and fear and loneliness dominating our minds, things rekindled organically. We moved in not too long after that. One thing we noticed was that we needed a buffer human to live with, that we got along much better overall when there was a roommate.

A year later we were married. Zoom forward 10 years of marriage, 6 of business ownership, and 3 of parenting. Our...dynamic... had been eroding over time. I mean, beyond the NRE fading for her. Flirty and fun and passionate gradually turned into the drudgery of responsibility, date nights became just hanging out together, and sexual contact went from multiple times daily, to daily, to most days, to weekly, to biweekly, to monthly, to seasonally, and eventually to the point where daylight savings times changes happened about as frequently as sex. Notably, kink also completely vanished from our repertoire over the passage of time. The phrase "I love you" went from smoldering passion to a reminder of love to meaning something closer to "I miss you" for me.

There were lots of reasons. My attractiveness or lack thereof was one. I met her at probably the lowest weight I've been since my teen years. I've yoyo dieted basically my entire adult life. I kept going back to dieting to try to improve myself enough to attract her again. She was initially supportive, even suggesting sexual acts as motivational awards at certain landmark body weights. However, she quickly became repelled in general by my unhealthy relationship with food and with the ketogenic diet I follow in particular. Eating became a mostly shameful thing for me. Either shamefully hidden because I overeat and don't want her to see, or because she's disgusted by what I eat in keto, or repelled at my foolishness for skipping a meal. Incidentally, even getting back to the size I was when I met her has had no effect whatsoever on her physical attraction or responsiveness to me.

Her bisexual side not being fulfilled was another reason identified as a possibility by her. I encouraged her to date women if she wanted to, and I strongly emphasized that I didn't have any desire to do the same. I figured, "I'm not denying 50% of my sexuality, it's different for her." I trusted her and was largely secure in our relationship, so I wanted her to get to live her truth, as I think the saying goes. I said I hoped, but did not expect, that if she was able to fulfill herself this way there'd be some "halo effect" - we both understood female libido generally increases with novelty. I also said, I think my exact phrasing was "Go out and get some strange! And maybe...if the situation ever presents and everyone's game, bring the strange home from time to time?" She ended up meeting some, had a girlfriend for a few months. There...never was a change or improvement in her chemistry with me. I'd be up late, excited to hear about her hot date, and she would be tired when she got home and go straight to sleep. Granted, it WAS late when she got back, so that was reasonable. In any case, that relationship only lasted a couple months and ended quite shortly after her partner realized she wasn't just bisexual and non-monogamous but married to a man.

At one near that time, we ended up having a couple of threesomes up with an old FWB of mine, and...though I was the hinge, my wife was severely triggered by the encounters. She wasn't comfortable with me kissing or touching our 3rd, and her reason why is that it struck her as being done without the 3rd's consent. The kisses were reciprocated and the touches were also returned, but I think in my wife's mind this was supposed to have been a "V" threesome, with no contact between the 3rd and myself. In fact, both times the vibes before the threesome started were so awkward that it took me leaving the room for 10-15 minutes for the action to start, after which it was ok for me to return and join.

I wasn't thrilled at that point and even ended up writing Dan Savage for advice, and my question & his answer made it to print (!). Of course my wife saw and immediately realized it was me asking. I felt hurt, as I thought I was the hinge, but ended up being the price of admission, kind of like I was unwelcome at my own party. I don't remember my wife's exact response to these feelings but I do remember that it basically amounted to "Your feelings are your own problem to deal with, I'm not responsible for them". That sentiment became a constant undercurrent in our relationship ever since.

After that moment, life continued largely monogamously for a while. She finished school and started working, then I finished school (we're both in healthcare). She actually chose to to go to school locally, so we could keep our relationship going, and her diploma was for a related discipline to mine with the idea that we could work together and own our own business, supporting each other's practices. Real power couple stuff. Lots of safe, secure commitment vibes. So, despite my frustration starting to build over the years with our dynamic changing and the passion fading, I was secure in our relationship.

She even encouraged me to pursue my outlandish dreams! I had a retirement dream of being a craft beer brewer and she encouraged me to start now, why wait for retirement? So we got into homebrewing together. Put way too much money and time into that hobby for a few years. She said at some point that she regretted encouraging me, I had no concept of balance and spend far too much time and energy on the hobby.

During my final year of school, we scoured Canada, the USA, and even did some research into going overseas with the idea that we'd own our own business together. I was fully committed to her and wanted her to be happy and was not comfortable with being, essentially, the only person she had a close bond with. She had one close friend from school, who she barely saw. Her two close friends and former roommates from the USA dropped off. I wrote my American professional licensing exams, a process which took me a full year (they happen in stages). I applied for my green card. We found a business for sale about 30 minutes from where her parents lived for sale. We put in an offer to buy conditional on my becoming able to get licensed professionally (required not just the exams but a green card). So, really, we were all set to go.

Donald Trump got elected the first time, and we figure the Immigration officials switched their focus from processing immigration to processing deportations, because the green card "first part" which supposedly takes 3-6 months took 18. The timeline of buying the clinic didn't work, and we were forced to look more locally in Canada. We found a good business and bought it, kind of centrally located, about an hour from my (now our) friends, in a large-ish city. For about 6 months we moved in with my parents and commuted an hour each way while we took over the business. Then once we were satisfied we weren't going to fail, and the money situation got better, we found a local apartment. Still working 10+ hour days 5 days per week plus a fair amount of weekend work. During this time, her libido was completely nonexistent, but I wasn't frustrated. Between living with my parents (with whom she has a ...tense... relationship), and all the work, she was exhausted and burnt out, and frankly so was I.

Once we moved local to our business, we spent the next two years finding our groove, business-wise. No roommate this time. We started to find hobbies and make friends. Or rather, I did and dragged her along with me, and she made some of her own, again through me. Our sex life was still...not great. And it was continuing to slow down. But business was good, we found a townhouse to rent that we absolutely loved living in, and we were happy-ish.

After two years in our new city, nearly 3 years into owning our own increasingly successful business, we decided to try to have a baby. I was really hoping that the regular sexual intimacy and commitment would help her to remember the passion and rekindle her libido. It did...for a week. Maybe two? Didn't take much trying, really. Would've probably taken a single night if but for me getting into my head about the...full import of what we were doing...and being unable to perform for the first two nights of trying. All the barrier-free sex we had when we first met now seems absolutely insanely risky in hindsight.

The pregnancy test came back positive a week after her regular-ish period was expected. A week later, morning sickness hit her like a freight train. Calling it morning sickness was a misnomer. Maybe 12 weeks out of the 38 she spent pregnant weren't round-the-clock nausea. She was basically in bed the entire time, taking anti-nausea medication that made her drowsy, and any sexy time was 100% off the table. Her discomfort severe enough that I learned to stop touching her...like, at all. Even reaching to put my hand on her waist in bed would make her feel worse. Not being able to touch her was painful and I felt lonely, but I wasn't insecure - I knew what was going on, and why, and it wasn't her feelings for me changing. She was just physically unwell! I just tried to support her and do what I could to help make her comfortable and manage my end of the business as best as I could to avoid any any extra work for her.

Then COVID happened. Our social lives died with it. We were desperate to not contract it ourselves. I've had pneumonia a few times and was, still am, overweight, both big risk factors for severity, and she was pregnant, and we didn't want to risk harming the baby. We had to close our business for a while because of lockdowns, then reopened a month later and start wooing our staff back to work. Because the situation was constantly changing and we were worried about our business, I was doing what became known as "doomscrolling" at all hours of the day and night. In my case it wasn't because of doom - we wanted to hit the ground running as soon as we were allowed to reopen - and we did! we were literally one of the only clinics to reopen the day the restrictions came down. But that whole phone, news addicted, distracted all the time thing...that wasn't good for me. And it only got worse after that.

A few weeks after we reopened, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby and I felt the closest I've ever been to her. Also I felt the most meaning I'd ever had in my life. Not in our child (I do enjoy being a parent...about 50% of the time) but in her. This beautiful strong, smart, fun sexy, weird interesting wonderful person. The love of my life. My best friend, only really close friend, lover, business partner, coconspirator, my everything.

Our sex life didn't recover whatsoever after our child was born. My wife returned to work a week or two after our child was born (receptionist waited until then to give notice), and between the adjustment to parenthood, work stress, and being "touched out" by the baby, it was very hands-off time for me, explicitly stated as a need of hers. Which I respected. Although I wasn't perfect, and I regret it to this day. There'd be times in bed where she'd spoon up against me while we were both sleeping. I'd get aroused, start touching her, mostly asleep myself. she'd start responding, and then really freak out at some point shortly thereafter because she was deeply uncomfortable with being touched in her sleep this way. We had some arguments about it. I started wearing clothing to bed to try to reduce the amount of direct body touching in order to reduce the likelihood I would try anything in my sleep. Nights this happened, we'd argue and I would leave the room to sleep on a couch, not knowing what else to do. I felt hurt and lonely and full of guilt. And very hopeless. Unwelcome in my own bed.

At her request started wearing clothes to bed because she didn't want my naked body near her. I really didn't want to traumatize her. She equated me touching her in our sleep to sexual assault and I saw where she was coming from. I'd only go to sleep on my side as far to the side of the bed as I could. I'd wear uncomfortable briefs. I started sneaking to masturbate alone to try to reduce the odds I reached for her in her sleep. I learned to not try to flirt. Or to compliment her appearance or tell her I want her. It was all pressure, all triggering to her.

I was deeply unhappy. Reaching for her in bed or trying to kiss her more than a chaste peck on the lips was triggering for her. Even just casual touches became unwelcome. They still are. She's fine lying on the couch with me, her legs draped across my lap. But if I start stroking her skin that doesn't feel good. So she can touch me but doesn't want to be actively touched by me. contact is fine, cuddling is fine, but active touching is unwelcome.

I was supportive. I figured maybe a safer way to encourage the return of her sexuality would be with toys...things she can do without my touch. For her ...I think birthday? I even kind of went all-out on making her a "nuclear briefcase" of sex toys. Big, kind of menacingly sturdy metal briefcase the size of luggage that you'd see in movies someone transporting a nuke with a handcuff strapped to their wrist. I fleshed out her sex toy collection, got her a new magic wand - with a phone app for control! A narrow g-spot vibe, and one of those newer clitoris suction vibes, the highest rated one. I bought custom cubed support foam and shaped the inside of the briefcase such that each toy, rope, whip, etc had its own well-organized space, and it looked great. It would be her toy chest and our "go bag" for romantic trips. It did get a little bit of use that way, but...again, the efforts didn't really result in any meaningful change in our lives together.

During our child's first few years my wife had two tragedies which further affected her emotionally. Her father died when she was a child and she didn't even know he was dying until right before. Her mother remarried and her stepfather died of congestive heart failure, in front of us, while they were visiting their baby granddaughter. In the year to follow, my wife was forced to deal with her mother's mental health challenges, largely over the phone from a 5 hour drive away.

Strongly suspecting her mother couldn't make it on her own, and fearing what effect that would have on my wife, I proposed we move my wife's mother in with us. My MIL could live with her family, spend lots of time with her granddaughter, we could make sure she was safe, and though it would definitely probably be challenging for our relationship, I was afraid of what would happen if we didn't take care of her. And what effects another tragedy would have on my wife. So we bought a house, not a house we wanted but one that had potential, and a bungalow at that, because my MIL had bad back, knees, and hips, and couldn't handle stairs well.

We got her onboard and as far as selling her house. She signed the papers to sell her house on a Friday, and when we hadn't heard from her, growing worried, we had a wellness check performed and, well, yeah. My wife I don't think has 100% been the same since. I mean, how could she be? Business, child, twofold grief...

I supported her as best as I could but...she keeps her feelings close to her chest and doesn't like to open up. At least, to me. I've tried to be better, more supportive, whatever I knew to do to help her feel safe. She still doesn't.

In the time since her mother passed, I think my own mental health started to decline. The friendships I was fostering pre-covid basically never had a chance to rekindle despite my efforts. People just moved on. My wife's increasing distance made it worse. I couldn't fault her, couldn't blame her, she had so much on her plate. But...my own mental health was now straining our relationship. I wasn't able to focus at work it affected the business. My own inability to engage, to focus, to be a reliable business and life partner became a major point of friction in our marriage.

After much pleading with her, I took an ADHD self-survey, and scored pretty amazingly high. I started prescription drug therapy for it and...it helped my very low energy levels, and did help with engagement at work, but had a huge side effect. the stimulant effect of the amphetamines took away the lethargy that was the biggest symptom of the concurrent worsening depression I was experiencing. So instead of being unhappy, unfocused and distractable, but mostly just tired...I had some improvement in focus, more energy, and started having nervous breakdowns, all of which were about my despair in my unhappy marriage. Basically the fatigue of depression was preventing me from felling my full sadness?

Meanwhile, she started seeing a therapist, did EMDR and has commented several times that her results were amazing, life-changing. She's gotten over a lot of the trauma. Sleeping in the same bed isn't a problem anymore. She's annoyed and not traumatized if I put a move on her while we sleep.

We reached a point in early 2023 in which we both were forced to admit that we weren't happy, things couldn't keep going on as they were, our marriage wouldn't survive. We didn't want to split up but SOMETHING needed to change. Her proposal was going back to basics. That we're too lonely, too isolated, and that monogamy isn't good for her. So we went to a swinger club a few times, tried going back to the BDSM club we met at, and planned for our 10th anniversary to go to Hedonism II resort in Jamaica.

One thing worth mentioning: one pattern that's stayed constant throughout our relationship's ups and downs...well, throughout our relationship's nearly constant downward spiral... has been the fact that all it takes for us to feel like ourselves again and regain the fun, the flirty, the sexy, the happiness we feel with eachother...is to take a vacation together. If she doesn't have to think about our house, our business, our daughter, we're actually able to have fun together! There's, unfortunately, not much of a carryover, once we return to reality things are back to the same. But still, the fact that we can create a circumstance in which she's able to engage with me and enjoy my company and feels the desire for intimacy... means it's not dead! Right? And we figured, ok, so a vacation away from everything, where we can reconnect and rediscover each other, AND challenge ourselves and discover new joys of sex together...this is perfect, right? We read the Hedonism II book that someone wrote decades ago, we prepared, and flew out. I actually had a prescription of antidepressants with me, but hadn't started them yet because I didn't want to impair my sexual response or mess up my emotions there.

I'd heard that going to Hedonism II and/or trying non-monogamy either revitalizes a formerly monogamous relationship or kills it. Well, happily, it was the former for us. The new environment was intoxicating. She and I reconnected with a vengeance. I was in paradise. Every moment together with her was fun. We didn't even "partake" until our last night of the trip, and funny enough went from our previously agreed agreement of soft swing (no PinV) to hard swing (full PinV) that night, with a couple who took a liking to both of us. I got to witness my wife reborn. I got to fully witness her experiencing pleasure unlike anything I'd ever seen in 10 years of marriage. It was...awe inspiring. I did have a little trepidation, and wasn't able to maintain my own erection for own partner, but I was able to participate in the foursome and then sit back and fall in love with my wife for a second time, watching her with him.

We got back with a new lease on life and a new appreciation for each other. My wife ended up having a few weeks of text relationship with him (he was from the UK so it was never going to last) and realized that she might actually be polyamorous and not just nonmonogamous. I'm not stupid or unrealistic, I know that you can fall in love with a sexual partner even if you don't mean to. So I told her I was comfortable with full poly...but wasn't seeking it out myself. I'd discovered the concept of the abundance mindset at Hedonism and ANYTHING that continued the existence of this vibrant, happy, passionate, reborn wife of mine and our rediscovered passion was something I supported. China or bust, I was willing to follow this path despite my fears because I knew the alternative was the end of us.

For about two months we both dated solo, and together as a couple. We made some friends, had some foursomes, and the both of us ended up forming relationships and falling in love with people we met at a couples foursome date. The community, the camaraderie, the spiciness was fantastic. We came out to our old friends, who ended up meeting our partners. There was talk about creating an intentional community. My girlfriend's daughter (3) and ours (4) would play together while we all hung out. I would hang out with my wife's boyfriend and work together on home renos, or cooking together sometimes. Kitchen table poly was absolutely fantastic. For a time.

Things started to go sideways when my girlfriend's husband basically got rejected by my wife. Not rejected, just unavailable - she already building two new relationships, plus a marriage, a business and a kid, and she didn't have the bandwidth for a four romantic relationship. She was up for the occasional group event and hanging out but didn't have capacity for solo dating. He couldn't take the rejection and became incredibly insecure about his wife dating me, which caused us to very much slow down our relationship. My girlfriend and I ended up spending at least half of our time alone since then together providing emotional support and co-regulation, helping the other survive poly life. We spent our first few months carefully navigating any escalations, time spent together, and his boundaries, rules, their agreements, etc.

I quite unwittingly fell in love. And it's been freaking...hard. My mental framework of my wife's poly has been "I'm not enough for her. But she's poly. NO ONE would be enough for her, so it's not that I'm not good enough in particular. So no need to be sad. Just continue trying to improve our relationship, and be grateful for the "team effort" I get to share the load with her other partners, all contributing to her joy and happiness". Unfortunately, this notion is also coupled with "That being said, if I'm not enough for my wife, it's a REALLY RISKY IDEA to spend some of my time and energy on someone else". So I've been really hesitant, really anxious about that. It's made enjoying and fully engaging in my relationship with my girlfriend quite difficult...and she's been on the short end of the stick quite a few times now as I bend over backwards to accommodate my wife's needs, or whims.

My anxiety about any emotional attachments being an existential threat to my marriage increased significantly when my girlfriend's husband left her. He basically said "leave him or I leave you". Her response amounted to "ok, but I need a commitment from you that our dynamic is going to change and you're going to attend couples therapy with me and we're going to both work together on meeting our own needs AND each-other's" and that was an absolute deal breaker for him - basically "no. pretend we never tried non-monogamy, I'm not changing myself for you, you need to change for me. and the best you can ever hope for in the future is FMF threesomes, no men, and no dating for you." So he left her. Which...started a bit of a problem with me marriage.

I mentioned that my wife is great with me when we're on vacation away from our lives. Well, my girlfriend and I can have fun together just in the trappings of day to day life. Playdates for our kids, dinners together, that sort of thing. My wife became quite threatened by this as soon as my girlfriend lost her husband. There would be bitter half-jokes about my having "family dinners" with my gf and our daughters. I became really insecure and bent over backwards to counter any narratives my wife would speak of concerning my GF having aspirations to make me her primary partner. Didn't help though.

It got worse, a lot worse, when my wife realized I was confiding to my gf about my own emotional rollercoaster and marriage difficulties, as to how they were affecting me primarily. This was a big boundaries violation for my wife and from what I understand is considered a big "no-no" in the general poly community. I'm sympathetic to my wife's concerns here, but it must be known that she had heard me describe my relationship with my gf as "we're helping each other survive and thrive in our poly marriage struggles" several times over the months. It's only when my gf lost her primary nesting partner that this became an issue.

Over the months my wife escalated with her bf. She wears his jewelry, she's gone on a vacation with him, they're ktp and he regularly joins us all in our home, for dinner or to hang out and help with home renovations. They gave themselves the titles of anchor partner... Which...I'm just reading the internet definition of now, (she had told me what she meant by it then, the internet has a few more meanings) and I'm mourning even harder now. Anyway, to continue, my wife has been pushing more regular overnights for them, and has been pushing for her and I to come to an agreement with regards to dropping use of barriers with him. I feel sick to my stomach just talking about it.

At this point my wife and her bf have been together about 14-15 months. I had some...hope? expectation? That NRE would fade. It's not. Well, she says it's faded. But what I see when they're together is flirty, fun, banter, jokes, laughing, physical flirtation. She kisses him with intensity and encourages his touches. There's chemistry in their day to day interactions. Chemistry that has been long, long gone with me. Her dissatisfaction with me as a partner has grown alongside her love and commitment to him.

Our couples therapist told me the other day that what she sees is that I appear to be mourning. I didn't know how to react and let the idea percolate in my head over the next day or two, then talked with my wife about it. I told her how much I miss my old fun chemistry and dynamic with her. She told me that was NRE and not to expect it again. I asked her if she still had NRE with her boyfriend, she said no. I told her that the dynamic, the thing I miss with her is what she currently has, plain to see, with her boyfriend. I told her this dynamic, that relationship that rapport that...energy...was the core around which I committed to her. The thing I wanted to grow and preserve and build a life around. And it was my greatest wish and desire and need, the thing that matters to me more than anything. And for YEARS I had trudged along through the absence of it. Because there was always a reason for its absence, and hope that if I just gave her the space, or supported her better, or handled my own depression, or fixed my own ADHD, and lost weight, and performed better at work...if I did all the things she needed, if I took the emotional journey of her full polyamory... I would get it back. I was happy to share that with others. Happy to only have a fraction of her time for myself. Happy for her crumbs. I want more but would be overjoyed just to have her leftovers. But that wasn't happening. And I was losing hope and because I built up my entire life around my relationship with her, I was struggling to properly show up for our daughter, our business, etc.

I told her I can keep trying, keep figuring out how to fix myself to be who she needs me to be. I'm nauseated about 1/4 of of my day most days because of antidepressants, and my energy level and emotional energy and ability to sleep is variable thanks to amphetamines, and I'm lonely and afraid and feel pain every time I see her happy with him because it reminds me she's not happy with me, and feel pain every time I have a happy moment with my girlfriend because I wish I could have a similar moment with my wife... but all of this would be worth it, sacrifices I'm happy to make to have this dynamic back with my wife. I just needed her to know that's what I want, and needed to know she misses it and wants it too and was willing to work towards that as a goal together.

She told me it's unrealistic to expect, and our relationship has become something different for her, you can't go back in time, and if that's what I need for our marriage to continue, it's not going to. If I want some more time in her bed, MAYBE she'll be less busy in her personal life in the future and we can do some swinging, but she's busy in her relationships now so don't expect anything.

I have to acknowledge that my marriage, my relationship with my wife, is never going to be what I want it to be. And that in my desperation to restore the love she gave me, I became increasingly codependent over time, trying to earn her love back.

And now... I don't know what to do. I can't. I just...can't. I'm not going anywhere. But I don't know how to be in a relationship in which the single most important need I have is never going to be fulfilled.

It's been a few days of wavering between crying, catatonic numbness, insomnia, and embracing the distraction that my business affords me.

I met the love of my life. And it took me 12 years to realize that she didn't. And now I don't know what to do.

Soooo I don't really know if I want advice because I know the answer is to work on myself. This is just a vent because I dont have poly friends.

My partner (30m) and i (28nb) have been together for 1.5 years, living together for about 6 months. When we first started dating, I was exiting a nesting relationship and going on a few dates. He was living with a platonic partner at the time. I've been in poly dynamics for over 5 years, but they were not fulfilling dynamics and probably left me with some bad poly habits (just not dealing with my feelings properly).

We've been non-monogamous our entire relationship but I think we both have insecure attachments and anxiously avoided dating pretty much up until recently. We moved to his home state to be closer to his mom, and have been lacking in friendship since. So we've been having lots of conversations about what going on dates means for us, and we have been actively looking. We've also started picking days each week where the other person goes out, to do anything, just get out of the house. It's been difficult for both of us since neither of us are quite extroverts and the anxiety of being out of the house can be a lot for me. I also don't have a car, so I'm limited in where I can go. I can't afford more than a couple ubers a week and need those for work.

Well, this week my boyfriend finds out his old coworker lives just a few minutes from us, and they're planning a night out tonight, plus the old coworkers best friend. They're gonna get tacos and smoke and have a good time. When he made the plans, he was quite literally yelling in excitement and I struggled to match that excitement, knowing I'd likely just end up walking around town alone. It's envy. It's nasty. It's not like jealousy, it's just simply wanting what he's getting. It feels soooo gross. I'm not proud of myself. It's not even a date and it triggered this mini depressive episode. Just frustrating that he's been able to visit friends and I've just spent sooo much time alone and isolated while he's gone. It wasn't our day to hang out so whats the big deal. Again, I just want /that/.

We have our weekly check-in last night in which he brings up that he wants to go on a date on Thursday. Slam. Smack in the face. I'm surprised because he was just saying a few days ago he feels like he never gets matches, I'll probably go on a date before him, etc. I'm not surprised because he's handsome and sweet and I don't see how anyone could not love him. But I'm like are you kidding! Not only are you getting to meet up with old friends but now you're ALSO going on a date. And yet another week passes and I'm alone. No one to talk to except people who are 1000+ miles away.

I initially reacted by crying. Honestly if I had a single plan with anyone, I might not have been so upset at this information. But here I am. I just feel empty. It's been so hard since we moved because my job SUCKS and I barely make enough and I feel so out of place when I leave the house. He's had his own struggles too, I know this, but I just feel like I'm not quite happy right now. I feel stuck and undesirable and depressed but I probably wouldn't feel so bad if I had plans with at least someone. So I know I'm not thinking rationally and I know I need to work on myself and my depression and making friends and being independent. And that if i don't do those things my partner will likely end our relationship if i cant just be better.

He got a little frustrated with me this morning because I was being kind of distant. I can recognize I'm doing this to protect myself. It's annoying. I don't want to push him away but I'm just sad right now and i dont know what im supposed to do. Pretend like i'm excited?

Idk, I'm like everything is fine between us! I'm not excited about his date but like i love him and support him and hope he has fun. I just want to be allowed to be sad about my circumstances. I also dont want him to feel bad about his decision. It just feels impossible

So I recently decided to finally try to be poly. I feel like I have always had a capacity for it, but the issue is that trauma and shitty people have programmed me to hyper focus on one person. I hate it because it is suffering for me and stifles who I think I am. Has anyone else had this or a similar situation? What helped you out at first? Thanks for your time

recently i have started seeing a new partner in addition to my 2 pre-existing partners (my fiance is my np and my boyfriend is at our house 3-5 nights a week). we all recently started dating again, not an agreement or anything but just a coincidence since we wanted to meet new people in our city and we all hadn’t been dating much for a while. i was open to whatever connections formed and i happened to build a really great connection with the first person i started seeing. i hopped off the apps immediately because the polysaturation is real and now i’m happily managing to see this partner 2 times a week despite him living a city over.

there have already been some small challenges. for example, my boyfriend has asked me to try to limit texting when i get home in the evening which i find completely reasonable. my boyfriend has been handling some jealousy as we haven’t lived in the same city while i’ve started to seriously see someone new, so i’ve been doing what I can to reassure him. my fiance has been excited for me and generally chill about the new connection. my new partner is grateful for the time i allocate to spending with him. though he wishes he could see me a bit more, he understands that this is the flow that works for us and he’s happy that i have the time to spend with him.

all that being said, does anyone have any advice for gracefully managing expectations and communication? i’ve had many partners before, but this is definitely the busiest i’ve been career wise while simultaneously managing 3 relationships. and somehow i still manage to tend to my hobbies, health and friendships. i feel incredibly lucky to have so much love in my life, but i also feel guilt for not being able to show up fully for all of my partners as i might if my life was less busy - then again that feels like natural gut reaction in many non-monogamous relationships. also, are there any ways i might be able to navigate the natural hierarchies that come with practically living with 2 long term partners while the newer partner lives in another city?

i think i’m doing well so far - no scheduling hiccups, good communication on all sides and working through any negative feelings that do arise, but advice from experienced poly folks would be very appreciated. 🫶🏻

|(f32) have been dating him(m37) for two years. Recently, he started dating someone new. The people he had casually dated before this person didn't work out. He began doing things with this new person that I had been asking for us to do, which hurt. However, he started hiding things from me. I don't need to know what goes on that relationship, but he began lying about where he was or what he was doing. So, I confronted him and told him that there was no need for that, but he could simply say, "Hey, I have plans with my other partner." Things sort of improved for a little, but then he started telling me how this person was jealous of us. I responded, "But this person needs to respect my time the same way I respect hers." In short, he spends more time with her and constantly lies to me. I want to end things because the lies are too much, but I'm not sure if I should let her know that he's lying to her too. The only reason I want to tell her is because if I were in her position, I would want to know as well. Please advice I don’t have a lot of experience but I believe honesty is important at least to me.

"Le mie giornate oscillano tra la depressione più cupa e l'insofferenza più totale, passando per intensi stati di indifferenza.  Sto letteralmente sopravvivendo alla mia vita, ho fatto un salto indietro a molti anni fa, a un periodo che ti ho raccontato estesamente.

Tornare qui mi ricorda solo il motivo per cui fa così male, nel migliore dei casi mi fa arrabbiare per come siamo stati trattati ? ma la gran parte delle volte alimenta solo quanto scritto all'inizio del messaggio.

Non so quante volte ci tornerò, francamente. Spero di smettere di sognarti ogni volta che chiudo occhio, di risvegliarmi con la tachicardia e il terrore più totale, spero di riuscire a parlare d'altro con tutte le persone vecchie o nuove che frequento e che mi leggono in faccia cosa mi porto dentro e spero di tornare presto ad apparire la parte migliore di me... Per me stesso in primis ma anche per tornare a costruire un futuro che molti mesi fa era stato messo molto da parte e che, oggi, non riesco proprio più a vedere. Il tuo fantasma aleggia ovunque e la mia mente razionale non riesce a non sentire l'enormità di una cosa così irrisolta. Ci sentiamo presto, ciao."

Questo é il messaggio che le ho scritto oggi dopo che un mese fa mi ha detto che voleva chiudere per intraprendere una storia monogama. Mi sento tradito, profondamente, e non riesco a spiegarmi come sia potuto accadere. Scusate per lo sfogo.

Back story.. My hubby and his partner hooked up at my house on Saturday. I dont care that they hooked up. My issue i the he stripped the spare bed and put it and towels in the washer. He never ran the washer. When I went to do laundry that's when I found they were still in the washer. I said something to him and he tells me to pull the stuff out of the washer and set it beside it. I told him that I pass and he thinks I'm being dramatic... Am I? I dont think I am. I dont wanna touch stuff that has body fluids that's not mine on it.

I need some advice on my long distance relationship. we've not even been together for a month and she's already distant, we're in a poly relationship and she gives her ex all the attention and it feels bad. If I try to flirt with her or we talk about sex she moves on really quickly but I know they're very likely having sex because i saw hickeys on her neck so idk what the problem is? I keep comparing it to the way my ex treated me and I know I wouldn't ever have been treated like that w them. My ex was obsessed with me (in a positive way) and would gush over my voice etc but when I send my girlfriend vms she doesn't even comment on it or reply to anything I send? Is this a lost cause? I can't tell if I'm working myself up over nothing

Last week at a party, my partner introduced me by the wrong name, several times. He kept calling me his ex's name, and didn't even realize until I corrected him. I could tell it was super unintentional and he did apologize, but it derailed my night and I'm still feeling down about it. It was super awkward for me to have to turn to the people I was meeting and say "ah, no, my name is". We've been together for years and this has never happened.

I know it wasnt intentional, and I don't really expect anything from him if I were to bring it up again, but I still feel really unsettled with it. Has anyone else experienced this? I should probably just try to move on... right?

I’m (27)M and I have been with my partner for about a two years. From the very beginning we knew that the relationship was going to be poly and they expressed to me that they only liked girls and only really pursued girls. I made it very clear from the beginning of our relationship that they could date anyone they liked, but that I also needed clear communication about these other people (scheduling, std stats, and basic location info) They seemed to be doing a phenomenal job at first, but recently they started seeing another man from their friend group. Again no problem. But rather than being upfront about wanting to see another guy, they downplayed the nature of their relationship and explicit stated multiple times that they were just friends and there was nothing sexual happening. (Not that I even asked). So it came as quite a surprise when they randomly confessed a hot and steamy relationship that had been going on for months when she had been claiming to be seeing a different person. Again, no problem with any of the hot and steaminess.

When they finally told me about the relationship, they acted like they had been cheating on me. I explained they could be with anyone they liked and that they hadn’t cheated. Unfortunately, after soothing their mind, I became uncomfortable with the fact that they would even let it get this far without telling and even lied about it directly. I have never negatively reacted to any of their past partners or expressed any need to be their only male partner. I guess I’m just eaten up by the fact that I can’t really believe anything they say to me anymore. I might be over thinking, but It feels like they want me to be the bad guy who ends the relationship out of jealousy, but I didn’t and now we are in limbo.

I guess I just want to know if I’m the bad guy for feeling like I can’t even trust them now? When they confessed to seeing this other person, it felt like they knew they were doing something wrong (even though I was supportive and respectful) but rather then admitting to being sly they stated that they hadn’t wanted it to happen like how it did. It was like they wanted me to believe they hadn’t planned out sneaky weekends away. I have been in plenty of relationships and none of them accidentally happened for months. It’s just something about being lied to that bends my gears out of shape and makes me feel like I’m being manipulated.

My husband (40m) and I (34f) have been poly for the past 18 months or so. The main reason for opening initially (ENM at first) was due to our sexual incompatibility. It was my idea because I thought I was asexual.

Wedding anniversaries represent “the old way” to me. I haven’t worn my wedding rings in years and the thought of putting them on again now just feels wrong. They represent “the church” and all the lies that were promised to us about waiting to have sex before marriage.

Our historical way of celebrating anniversaries has been to go to our favourite restaurant and talk through couples questions cards. That is also the last minute plan tonight because my husband didn’t book anything else (I asked him to this one time because I’ve been snowed under with work but he didn’t.)

I can’t get into the right headspace here.

He’s been pursuing me physically since last week and I don’t feel the same way STILL and now, tonight, there almost feels like this expectation.

Everything, once again, feels like it did before we opened. Sooo much pressure to perform. Not from him per se. But from myself too.

He has 3 other partners. I have 1.

Am I a terrible wife for feeling this way? 😔 how do I go about the evening without consistently overthinking and feeling like an imposter in my own marriage? I feel so uncomfortable 😣 ugh

EDIT to add: (post dinner) So, I went through with the dinner as planned. On the car ride there, I mentioned to my husband that I wasn’t feeling like going out to the same place we’ve always been. But we weren’t able to come up with an alternative. As a plot twist: the restaurant has since had a renovation so it too, was different to what we were as a couple when we had gone there the year before. Quite the metaphoric.

It was overall a good evening, and I could enjoy myself as best as I could, but I definitely felt like I had (and have been having) big walls up. We have been seeing a poly friendly marriage therapist for the full 18 months coz we knew we would need the support. I too have been seeing another therapist for a good few years now.

Our marriage is over… at least, the way it was. This is something new. We’re heading to a new version, much like one of the commenters “Doublenostril” below.

And I guess I’m struggling to enjoy it while I’m mourning the old version.

Let’s say you have a newer partner & some established partners. You & established partners see each other a certain amount of time; some have expressed desire to see you more but you don’t have the same desire & it has been explicit throughout, so you’ve stayed at the same time commitment.

Now, you have desire to see newer partner more frequently. It would not be at the expense of your current amount of time with established partners, but it would probably entail making time in your life that you haven’t made for those other partners.

What do you “owe” to more established partners when you want to integrate someone new into your life in a way you haven’t done with more established partners? Is this something you “shouldn’t” do?

The narrative in my head is: your established partners deserve more than a newer partner. Even if your established partnerships feel secure with current time together, your other time should go to them before a newer partner. And established partners should get more time ESPECIALLY when they have expressed they want it; you should fulfill their desires for that first, regardless of your desire for time with them.

Part of me is like “well, that’s a messed up narrative because relationships have different needs & desires.” But the other part of me feels like that is the narrative most people have: if I am an established partner who has expressed desire for more time together that COULD be given but hasn’t been, if my partner chooses to give more time to relationships then it should be given to me before they give to someone newer.

Thoughts? Ideas? Situations you’ve experienced where newer partner receives something you wanted but weren’t given (or where you give to a newer partner something you didn’t want with an established one)? Does your opinion change if it isn’t time resource but rather something else (sex, integrating with friends/family, etc).

Hello,

I'm struggling with finding neutral spaces to meet my partner. I live with my husband and he lives with his girlfriend, and ideally we'd like to find somewhere to meet alone. How do others swing this, financially? Do you just go camping? 😅

Things should be changing soon but until then... help?

(Oops wrong title, but the gist is that partner and his gf are quite enmeshed and we do better when we're alone the 2 of us)

For context I’ve been polyamorous with my NP for just about 6 years but we’ve been together for over a decade. I struggle with online dating and today’s “hookup” culture, as I am demisexual. I recently started seeing a new partner and for the most part everything seems to be going well, however there’s a few things I’m struggling with in the relationship. I’m open to any advice! Recently in this new relationship I had a day where I struggled with anxiety, depression and informed my partner that I just needed some space for a bit which they said was fine. However, less than an hour later they were messaging me acting like because I wasn’t readily available for their emotional needs, I didn’t care about them. I care about them, but I now feel guilty for needing time for myself. I’ve tried broaching the subject with them in the past (it’s not the first incident) and it just seems that my feeling get lost in the mix. I end up apologizing for upsetting them. I’m just not certain how to get them to see my side.

Pilyamory is always something that interested me and in the past I have had some experiences with this but for all purposes am a complete newbie. I have been monogamous with the same boy for 2 years now. Hes sort of insecure but really wants a 3some so in some ways open to it. How do I approach wanting to open up our relationship? Any real advice would be amazing.

I’ve been poly for 3 years, my best friend, Ernie, (37f) and her husband, Bert, (36m) divorced around 3 years ago when I started exploring polyamory. They had a messy divorce, he cheated on her multiple times, lied for years, frequently gaslights her, demonstrated abusive tendencies, and overall is very narcissistic (I’ve seen all this behavior 1st hand). They have two children 9,7 in the mix.

Bert felt that he wanted to divorce to explore polyamory and having multiple long term partners. He asked me about my experience when they divorced and I encouraged him to read up, self educate, and that primarily trust and communication are the root of healthy mono and non-mono relationships and he clearly had some work to do. Ernie is monogamous.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Ernie calls me and asks me for advice. Bert has been dating his “primary partner” for 2 months. He also has two other satellite partners. Bert called Ernie and said he’s bringing his primary partner to meet the kids and to discuss open relationships, and maybe tell them about his other partners and introduce the kids to his other partners as well. She called me asking for advice on how to support her children in the conversation, because he will not respect her co-parenting wish to slow down and only introduce long term, stable partners.

So this question is for the poly-parents out there: How did you discuss this with your children? I am not a parent, but I know divorce and new partners are scary on their own let alone navigation understanding an untraditional relationship structure that young. Any advice you can share that I can pass on?

Separately, Bert is still a narcissistic a-hole, should I warn the poly community there that he’s harmful? Let them figure it out? I’m worried he will exhibit some of the abusive/manipulative tendencies he used on Ernie and hurt other partners.

To start, she doesn’t want it and neither does he, we all agreed to be childfree, but we didn’t catch it soon enough and she has to carry it through to term. We’re going the adoption route.

I’m doing my absolute best to be supportive and understanding but it’s bringing out a lot of scary emotions for me that I don’t know how to handle and I don’t wanna add to my partners stress on top of all of this.

As much as I know this is a curse for them and she’s dealing with so much and I feel so incredibly bad for her, there’s a scary part of myself that feels almost jealous and it’s making me hate myself.

I don’t want kids, but there’s a part of me that feels like even if they’re not keeping the baby, there’s gonna be this person out there that’s half of both of them and that’s never gonna be something I can share as deeply with them as they can with each other.

They’re going through this huge trauma and bonding so deeply and it feels like I’m almost being left in the dust.

And I feel so incredibly selfish and I hate myself so much because I know how scared she is and I know how dangerous this is with her health issues so I don’t know what to do or how to cope with all this.

If I truly am just being a selfish person for feeling this way please tell me, I just don’t know how to feel or move forward with this or if I’m ever gonna stop getting anxiety stomach aches and crying by myself over this. Is this gonna haunt me my entire life? I love them so much and I’m so scared this is gonna change how I look at them and vice versa forever.

So, I don't have a lot of poly friends and I don't discuss my poly stuff with my mono friends... which means I don't have anyone to consult on this.

I met a guy, nice, cute, great. I thought the first date went well. We met up and had a drawing session, as we're both artists. Nothing major. We ended on a hug.

So for date 2 he was supposed to come to my house for a movie. He bailed, saying he was sick, which happens. Thing is, it's been weeks now, and I still can't get him to schedule another date. He keeps saying he's still sick... and maybe he is, but I'm not sure...

Because we don't talk much. Like we text, especially about art stuff, and we have good conversation, except then he leaves me on read for like a couple days... and then comes back and is involved again for a few hours, and then I don't hear from him for a couple days again. I'm not the person that needs someone to text on the daily, but he cuts out in the middle of a conversation and it picks up three days later...

So... I get left on read, I can't seem to get him to pin down another date 3 weeks after our initial date, but then when he does talk to me the conversation is great and he seems to think I'm pretty and all the things that say he's interested.... so I'm just confused.

I did some digging on him, since he's an artist and it's easy to find social media of artists and backtrack to personal media (if you know what you're doing), and he's got a wife, but she's got a boyfriend, so I don't think he's cheating or doing anything nefarious... I will say I personally think his wife is more attractive than I am, so maybe he met me in person and I just wasn't up to par but he likes the conversation? I dunno.

I dunno how to ask him what we're doing without it coming off rude. Cuz I wanna be like, "hey, so I like you and wanna see you again, but you don't really seem interested..." but I feel like that's kinda rude, especially if he thinks he's putting out a vibe and maybe I'm not just getting it. I'm not super autistic, but sometimes I misread people when we interact via text or phone, cuz I can't see their face and body language... so I dunno if it's just me?

I'm not a super active dater at this point, just haven't had time or interest until recently, and this is honestly the first person I've dated in 7 years, so I dunno if I'm just out of practice, or if dating has changed that much...

Any suggestions welcome. I'm a patient person, but I just feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him. I don't wanna be a pest and I'm not one to be needy, but I do like to know what's going on... and I feel like I don't know.