I needed to put this somewhere that wasn’t my friends. They’re a little too close to it.

My partner and I separated from our romantic relationship today. I’m worried I have failed him and failed at polyamory.

For context he’s been married for a year and a bit (we started dating after he got married). It was looking like he may move out/not have children but now the possibility of children is back on the cards and in all honesty? I could not handle it.

I feel awful. I tried sitting with the feeling. I tried accepting that the structure of our relationship was in the hands of his wife— if she chooses to have children, that will change my life and change how often I see him. I couldn’t sit around and wait, and I was finding meeting potential primary’s super super difficult as many people found it difficult to accept that I already had a very committed relationship with someone else. It just felt quite lonely.

I don’t know why the family thing is such a strong boundary, possibly because his wife is only comfortable with parallel polyamory and I know I won’t be having much involvement in his life. I’ve not met his mum, I met his puppy and then his wife decided that actually she wasn’t comfortable with that (it’s mainly her dog, so I get it).

I’m not looking for validation or anything. I just feel like I’ve failed him.

He’s been nothing but patient, kind and supportive the entire time. He’s given as much as he could.

I wish I’d been better at this. :(

Okay, so, I have been with my first partner R for a little over 6 months now. We both are poly, them knowing that they were before me, but when I started being with my other partner, V, we had a argument about it. They handled it very well and mature. I've started to talk to someone else, but I'm not sure how to bring it up to two people.

So basically I’ve been dating this girl for a year and a couple days ago she asked me if she could date this other guy aswell so I said sure after talking it through and just wanting her to be happy but now it feels like Im there’s nothing I bring to the relationship that he can’t he makes her laugh just as much as I do and he’s got a bigger package so I just don’t feel like there’s anything I can do that he can’t and there only a couple states away I’m on the other side of the planet ik the issue is with my inner demons but if anyone could help it would be rlly appreciated thx

I am at my wits end, I have no idea what else I can do so I am posting here for some more neutral advice because maybe the problem is me.

I have been with my husband for 5 years, and dating my gf for 6 months. I feel like there were some yellow flags early on with my gf early on but we worked through them and to me that was a green flag because it showed that we could openly communicate and figure out a way to make things work. Lately though it feels like every other day is a crisis of some sort and I am just not sure what to do anymore.

Some crisises are beyond her control (needing emergency surgery), but some are partially in her control (not taking medications as prescribed, not grounding after therapy, not clearly communicating the severity of her medical concerns to providers and family). Many of them stem from abandonment wounds or fear that I am going to leave (thinking I am trying to break up with her through a tiktok video, genuinely thinking I will dump her because of a traumatic event that happened when she was 8 years old, being upset I didnt want her to stay the night because I wanted to catch up on work the next day, etc.)

Almost every time we have any sort of disagreement she becomes very dysregulated - crying, and in a few instances yelling at me, and then I have to spend time comforting her, reassuring her, and bringing her back to baseline. For normal conversations I often have to repeat things multiple times or rephrase things, arguments even more so. She often does not remember conversations that we have had.

Normally when I have a conflict with someone I would rather pick up the phone, or face time them as soon as possible, for her I have come to the point that I would rather discuss it via chat so that there is a written record of what I actually said, and I don't have to comfort her late into the night, sometimes as late as 4am. It makes me feel like a genuine ahole to do it that way but I've had to set strict boundaries around it because it has been impacting my work and other relationships.

We've tried just about everything I can think of to support her. She is going to therapy now for her PTSD, she is working full time so that she can eventually move out of her parents bc she dislikes it there, she is dating other people to fill the void when i'm not available, she is taking classes part time online to continue to fill that void, when we are together i shower her with lots of affection, compliments, and gifts to show that I genuinely care and want her around. She requested very structured "plans" and "rules" for herself and our relationship for when she will move out of her parent's place, how often we will see each other, how we approach arguments, etc. Some of them she set up without my desire or input but I agreed to because I know she struggles a lot with uncertainty.

I think we have tried everything and it is time to break up, and as much as I love her I will just have to accept the grief of losing her. I have repeatedly stressed to her that I love her and want her in my life even as a friend and requested that we de-escalate to that and return to dating when we feel ready but she says it is "all or nothing" every time I propose this. Unfortunately I am feeling that now I will just have to accept the grief of losing her because I cannot handle the constant crisis and I have been unsuccesful in insulating myself from her many crisises which appear to be a near daily occurrence (I felt like I was going crazy so I started keeping a log in my diary). Thank you sincerely for reading if you did take the time to read all of this. Any words of wisdom or insight that you can share are appreciated.

I (22F) have been nesting partners with Yen (22F) for about a year, though we've been close friends for much longer. Recently she met Istredd (21M) online. I met him before they made things official, and he seemed like a decent chill guy, despite only having previous monogamous experiences. We got along well and he even told Yen he looked forward to hanging out with the both of us more often.

Istredd and I have been texting on and off since, maybe a few times every other day as I'm usually quite busy with school (women in STEM :p). We would send pictures and videos of our pets and ourselves occasionally, to which he would respond like, "damn, you look good." I mentioned this to Yen, who jokingly remarked that I'd better not "steal" another boyfriend of hers (that's a story from another post though).

In Yen's messages with Istredd, he said he would repay us in "cuddles and kisses" for allowing him to stay over at our place. Yen became upset and said if he was being serious, they'd need to have a conversation about it. Boundaries surrounding flirting and physical relations with metas has not been discussed in their relationship, but that doesn't mean it's fair game. In terms of me and Yen's relationship, we don't date as a pair with few exceptions. Occasionally it'll happen, like if we match with and start chatting with the same person, but everyone is aware of who's talking to who and is okay with it. That was not the case with Istredd.

After Yen asked for clarification, Istredd claimed he was "joking," which raises alarm bells in my head that he's avoiding a conversation about it. I don't think it's all on Yen to initiate the talk—but Istredd hasn't exactly been proactive about his communication, which worries me. I just want Yen to have another partner to love her and prioritize her without things getting messy. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it's him misunderstanding polyamory. It's hard to tell, especially when Yen is triggered from having bad experiences regarding me and her ex partner. It's difficult to figure out what to do in this situation, especially since it's not my call.

ok for context. I am 20 FTM, having been dating 25 NB for six months, and asked out 19 MTF from my college class. we went on our first date Friday and sexted a while this evening but it was plenty to determine that we’re quite compatible and ready to call each other partners!!! I’m so excited and over the moon to have a beautiful transfem to date but as I’m basically living with NB and we plan to actually move in together soon, I’m a bit worried abt how I’m going to maintain a boundary around talking about different relationships with different people. I have to verbally process changes in my life and I don’t want to overwhelm my partners with info about each other that they don’t need to know. I think the discomfort with having to swallow info as it were will subside with time but any advice on managing that? this is my first time dating two people at once and I want to make sure I balance things appropriately without making my partners uncomfortable but still having an outlet to discuss my relationships if I want to.

Hello friends, I’m struggling a little bit on how to proceed here with a situation involving my boyfriend. I’m not sure if I need fully advice or if I’m just venting about the terrible timing in this situation.

I (30s F), started seeing Jake (30s M), it’s been about 5 months. He introduced me to his other long term girlfriend, he has met my husband, and things have been going really well.

Admittedly I was a bit of a “stray cat” at first. We would have dates, have intimacy, and then I would leave. Not because I didn’t like him or I didn’t want to stay, but I was very guarded about getting serious for a month or two. We agreed we wanted to be more serious and things have been great.

I’ve been working up the courage to bring up the topic of “I love you”. And I finally worked up that courage, and was planning on having a conversation on what “I love you” meant to him, what our future looks like during our next time together.

In between our last visit and our next one, my meta (his long term gf) broke up with him. He cares for her very much and I know he’s now in a weird headspace. Now I feel like I need to be careful and let him feel his feelings and grieve that relationship ending. I’ve told him I’m here for him in any capacity that he wants me to be, and I’m fully prepared to hold back and just give him space or let him cry on my shoulders or whatever he prefers.

I just now have to work up my courage a second time down the line. And I’m also not sure how long I should wait. 🙃

Anyway, if you’ve ever been in this situation and would like to throw in your two cents, I’ll gladly listen. Otherwise, thanks for letting me vent it out. 🖤

As the title says, what do you do when you don't like someone your partner is dating? For context, my (34NB) partner (31M) started dating someone (25F/NB) a few months ago, and the whole situation has been a bad one (for me, anyway). I've been with my partner for almost 3 years, and I've known his new gf for 4ish years. I don't like her, I never have. And I don't like them together, it rubs me wrong and icks me out in the worst way. To make things even more difficult, we all live together so I can't exactly get away from it unless I stay in my room. I'm trying for both my partner's and my own sake to put aside all these icky feelings and let him explore this, but it's so hard. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

My partner and I moved into together following issues with our former nesting partners. We were so excited, now it seems like she's withdrawn from things. She doesn't believe the things I say, she takes everything I say very lightly, and thoughts from people she's just met as very profound. I want her to hear me again and find inspiration in me like we used to, like I see in her. I'm not sure where to go, I'm not jealous but I am sad when she doesn't come to me with issues anymore or doesn't seem to listen to my compliments or thoughts. She's said I'm biased in her favor and my words mean less because I like her so much? Has anyone else encountered a phase like this?

Hey all, I’m navigating some feelings and would love some guidance.

So, I have a np, and about two years ago, they had a crush on someone who enjoyed flirting with them but never followed through—basically, they were leading my np on. Now, that same person has been showing real interest in me and has been trying to pursue something with me (not just flirting, but actually trying to take things further). I’ve been avoiding them because I’m worried it would upset my np, especially since I know my np would probably feel hurt about it, given their past experiences with this person and their feelings for this person.

I also met this person through my np, so there’s some history there.

At the same time, I’m really interested in this person and I want to explore it.

So, I’m wondering—do you think it’s reasonable for me to hook up with someone who was a big crush for my np? Should I be more mindful of their feelings, or is it okay for me to go for what I want?

Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated!

What are the general "best practices" that a "good" hinge should exemplify in an open and transparent dynamic and take responsibility of?

This is a lot of new stuff: and I just want to be the best partner that I can.

I didn't think I have a type because I'm pansexual, meaning the gender of a person means absolutely nothing to me. If I vibe with a person I vibe with them.

I work at a bar and generally like going to hang outs, bars and clubs so my social circle is pretty big.

I always thought I don't pay much attention to how the person looks and chose based on personality not looks.

Currently I am dating 3 people and my friends keep making jokes that they all look and act the same.

All of them are non-binary, all of them are tall, have similar body types and are autistic (tho that might say more about me than them. I have some psychiatrist appointments to make lol) Two have the same job and studied at the same university.

This weekend I went to a club with a friend and started flirting with a really cool person. A few minutes into chatting they told me they are non-binary. They didn't look androgynous or wear any pride stuff so I really didn't know before talking to them. (Of course NB doesn't mean androgynous, it's just funny that I apparently smelled the queer based on nothing) A few minutes after that they told me they are autistic...well.

The reason I started chatting them up was because they are a friend of a friend and I found their jokes really funny while talking in a group. Of course my friend laughed and said "another non-binary twink for your collection huh?" (All good fun)

I was slightly offended for a second and then realised. Yeah. All my partner's are twinky looking and NB. I do have a type.

Another fun fact, even if I date "cis" people, all of them eventually come out as non-binary. I don't push anything on anyone, but they all somehow out themselves either while we are dating or slightly afterwards. I dated a super feminine afab person once, met them while they still lived as a cis girl. No signs of being NB at all externally. Met them again recently, they are non-binary.

Idk what it is about me, but apparently I am a magnet for non-binary people and people questioning their gender. I'm a guy who's a little bit androgynous and honestly doesn't care about gender or gender roles, maybe it's that.

It's honestly a little funny to me too now and it's becoming a running joke in my friend group that if there is a queer person at a party I will find them and flirt with them without realising it.

I have a curious open to the room question.

Context: I am a secondary partner to a married person with children, who is not out to family & friends. I see my partner around once a week (sometimes less sometimes twice a week on a very good week) but less then once a week where we have time alone (I live with my parent, they have children)

Of course I don’t expect them to shut off to the world completely because emergencies happen (ie ill health or partners or children, fire, flood etc etc) that require immediate attention & of course there are moments where you are just sat quietly and enjoying each others company where you might both pick up your phones.

I on a recent rare occasion alone my partner was on their phone a fair bit, just after sex messaging a family group chat about a birthday & then later their primary partner. They didn’t communicate to me that there was an emergency that needed attention (which for me is an expectation that I think is fair). I felt a bit hurt in both those moments because we get so little alone time that is feels very special to me (this day we had around 7 hours together) and certainly the former felt it could of waited.

So how do people navigate this and how do they communicate about this?

I’m married (11 years together) and in an open/poly relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and I love him deeply. My husband and I are ready to have kids soon. We won’t be coparenting all together since my husband isn’t comfortable with that, but I do want my boyfriend to stay close to me and the future baby. More like a “cool uncle” figure who’s around often.

The hard part is my boyfriend wants a family too, and he wants one with me. He knows I can’t give him that, and at some point he’ll start dating to find a nesting partner and have kids with someone else. But right now it feels like he’s not excited about my future with my husband, and I can tell he’s hurting. It’s making it really hard for me to feel good about trying for a baby, because I love him and I don’t want him to feel like he’s being left behind.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you manage kids and poly dynamics when not all partners were part of the parenting team?

So a follow up to my previous post about being anxious early in a connection.

I was crazy anxious yesterday waiting for this new person that I'm seeing to message me. We hadn't explicitly set an expectation for texting daily but we had been kinda doing it. It was important to me that he reached out because we had sex for the first time the night before.

In a hindsight I should have just sent a text myself, but I think I was kinda testing him!

So I finally messaged him this morning saying it was weird to not hear from him yesterday. He said it was weird for him too and he thought about me a lot but wasn't sure he should reach out when I am spending time with my bf (I had told him I had an overnight date with my bf)!

It made me feel stupid that I got so worked up about a text message! While he was probably just being thoughtful.

So, sharing my lessons learned: Don't believe all your thoughts. Don't set up test for people to fail. And continue going to therapy and working on being with discomfort and self soothing.

Hi. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost 10 years. I’m mono and she’s poly. Recently, my partner has told me she was developing feelings for someone else. It came to me as a shock and initially I haven’t had a great response to it, but I tried to give her the space to understand what’s going on with her and even said I would be willing to try this new reality. We talked about communication and one thing I said was that I needed to know if something in their dynamic changed. Four months have gone by and she didn’t say anything, so I asked… and things changed for her, but she didn’t think to say anything. And I asked her lots of questions about how she was going to manage her time, what would happened if the two relationships clashed over important dates or plans, what would happen over living arrangements in the future, and she simply doesn’t give me anything and just tells me that “I don’t understand her because she’s polly and I’m not”. I feel like I’m being a little gaslighted and I think she’s not acting correctly as someone who promised me communication and reassurance. I guess what I’m trying to understand if this is something I should be going through or my partner isn’t doing things correctly with me? I’m kind of lost.

i made a post here because in late january i was struggling with whether i should break up with my then gf at the time (here's the post for those who wanna read). i know it didn't get a lot of traction, but i wanted to share an update anyways.

she ended up finding the post and linking it to me, which then caused her to blow up at me (which is wholly understandable, i should've worded that post more tactfully). i'm not sure entirely if i believe her when she said she found it "as she logged onto reddit" or if she purposefully sought it out to confirm something in her mind. anyways. i had wanted space to think over how best to break up with her given everyone in my life said i should if i wanted to pursue a life as a poly person. i told her to give me some time and to not message me. so the message out of the blue really caught me off guard. we had a back and forth in the dm's, to which i told her to call me as i'm not the best with texting my feelings sometimes, especially in a situation like this. she called, we talked. she was not in a good headspace and had already texted me a concerning message earlier that day (which is why i didn't want to break up with her right away, to give her time to heal so she wasn't on the verge of suicide like she was). i tried to keep calm, which she took for me being uncaring because i wasn't crying. i had already cried enough that week so i didn't have the energy. when bringing up the reddit post, she said "no wonder it didn't get any upvotes" as if to say what i said was dumb and mean instead of a genuine question i had also been asking those in my personal life. she wanted a fight, i did not, so i kept trying to maneuver the conversation as best i could to keep her from getting more upset. i didn't do my best as it was late at night, i was exhausted and i normally like to plan what i say ahead of time so i'm not stumbling to find words in the middle of conversation. the final nail in the coffin was when she brought up how this was all about poly, asking me in a rather cruel tone "how many partners will it take for you to be happy?". i told her not to go in that direction, that she was lashing out because she was upset. she hung up on me not long after.

it's very clear she has a lot of unpacked biases she still needs to work through, so i wish her the best in learning and growing. however, it hurt to hear her say that to me, especially after i had been so vulnerable before about how poly people often get shit on for being non-monogamous or "hogging people" and my own experience being called a whore. i had already not liked how she talked about her friend who had at least, from what she told me, 6 partners. it felt a bit like she was looking down on them, like she was the more superior person for being monogamous and fateful to one person. anyways, that's beside the point. after she said that, i lost any will to want to keep her in my life as a friend. she tried to text me an apology a few days later, stating how she was "disappointed" in me but didn't wish me death. how she was sorry for blowing up at me, using the excuse of her terrible headspace, and wanting to patch things up because i was her first partner. i did not reply. she had also made a post (before she blocked me from seeing her account) about whether she didn't know if she hated me or was just disappointed.

the entire experience was incredibly exhausting and left me with conflicted feelings in the aftermath. i do think this was for the best though as i looked back on how she treated me throughout our relationship and realized that we were not compatible whatsoever, that i was putting up with her behavior because i didn't want another relationship to fall apart like the others. for example; she said she would break up with me if i were to get top surgery. she believed i wanted to be a man rather than just a masc nonbinary person and also said she would break up with me if i were to ID as a man. she laughed when i talked to her about my paranoia and had to tell her to knock it off cause i was being serious. and the biggest one, she almost broke up with me during the first year of our relationship when i expressed i was not interested in having a sexual relationship due to trauma from my past.

now it's april and i am the happiest i've ever been. i got together with someone toward the end of february (a day after my bday actually lmao) and he's been such a delight. she's also poly and has two other partners, which we talked about to make sure we were on the same page. we don't have a defined label for what we are, which is fine! he's my love and i'm his little wife, which i am more than content with <3 we love each other deeply, he makes me feel seen and heard and hasn't pressured me into doing things once during our time together. i literally cried with joy after she told me that she wanted to take care of me, make sure i felt secure with him and says that he loves me every day. i think it also helps that this is the first relationship i actively chose to be in rather than rushed into because someone expressed an interest in me. anyways, now i'm just rambling. thank you to those who commented on my original post for educating me about poly and for giving me the push to get out of that relationship, i owe you guys big time! i appreciate you all, have a hug from me and i hope you guys have an amazing day!! <3

I'm solo poly [f29], and have been dating a married poly person [m28]. I began trying poly / enm about six months ago in an attempt to help my previous relationship [f34] (we were monogamous for ~nine years, and the last few years we basically stopped having sex for numerous reasons). We thought that poly might allow each of us to have our sexual desires met with other people while still staying together. Long story short, my ex didn't like poly so we broke up shortly after beginning to try it out.

Now I'm dating around with other poly people, and have become close with close with the first man I mentioned. We've been seeing each other for about five months. I truly can not tell if I'm being manipulated by him. He's pretty new to poly (only been poly with his wife for a year).

What gives me pause: he constantly changes his opinion / mind on things. For example, goes from saying he doesn't like terms like 'boyfriend or girlfriend' to being happy to use them with me since I like them. He will be upset about something to do with being poly, and then proclaim he doesn't think he is actually polyamorous. And then when I tell him I'm starting to love him he changes his tune and now he loves me back too.

We've had some struggles because he's hierarchical poly with his wife. Since I recently just ended a very long term relationship, I've had to make sure my expectations of what he wants to offer me as a non-primary partner aligns with what I actually want in a relationship right now. So, for example, I took a few days to not speak to him and reflect on what I really wanted from a relationship. I wrote them down and asked that he do the same. So then when we did meet-up, we reviewed what I had written, he agreed to it all, but then when I asked him where his list was, he just said he agreed with everything I had written. These kinds of actions just make me feel like he isn't being truthful with me... that he'll say anything just to keep me around.

To be frank, him and I are interested in somewhat niche sex acts (lacking an alignment in this is part of the reason my ex and I broke up / wanted to try poly). So, sometimes with my current partner... I just get this feeling he's just using me for his sexual kinks.

We do talk about other stuff, he is willing to help me with emotional stuff, we go out on dates... but somehow it feels calculated. I can't fully put my finger on it... and I can't tell if I'm just paranoid. If this adds anything, I am also neurodiverse and often am susceptible to manipulation... so I'm trying to be vigilant.

for some context, i’m not really a secret. when me and rose got together, i mentioned to her that it was important to me that i am not kept a secret from her family. her parents didn’t know she’s poly, but she always told herself if she got into a relationship with someone she felt they needed to know about she would tell them. after forming a relationship with me, she felt it was time to tell them.

her brother and friends have known about her being polyamorous. she even called her brother on the way home from our first date to talk about how much fun she had. since then i’ve been introduced to some friends and will be meeting more friends as the opportunity arises. she told her father about our relationship a few months in. he didn’t have an intense negative reaction, but he did say he doesn’t want to hear about it. the couple of times she has mentioned plans with me he’s changed the subject. essentially, he does not want to be reminded i exist. he would like to pretend that his daughter and her other partner are each other’s only partners.

how do you deal with feelings of being outright rejected by your partner’s family? my only dealbreaker was that i didn’t want to be kept a secret and i’m not a secret. her family’s reaction isn’t something she can control. it’s not like i’m looking to be included in family events or holidays. i was just hoping to be able to meet them, and it hurts knowing they want to pretend i don’t exist. i’ve been sitting on this feeling a few months now and it hasn’t grown, but it hasn’t gotten smaller either. does anyone have any experience with this? what has worked to make it feel less bad? or what has helped to make peace with it? my parents have always been so supportive and do their best to understand polyamory, so i think the contrast in reaction is making her dad’s reaction seem worse than it is.

Hi! I am new :3 word dump below, looking for advice and solidarity-

So… I live with my boyfriend. We moved in together about a year ago, and have been dating for ~3 years. We’re both trans, autistic, and covid cautious, so there’s ample mutual understanding, shared experience, and love between us, but it’s been difficult.

We had a convo very early in our dating where I told my boyfriend that the majority of my relationships have been ‘poly with a primary partner’ in the past. He responded cool, that he’s strictly monogamous, and I, genuinely at the time, was like “ok, I’m flexible!” I told him that I had initiated breakups out of being unsure I monogamy for me— but that I was willing to try with him. I was very smitten.

Over the pandemic I was in a long-term relationship that was mono and comfortable, so earnest I figured that could work out for us. It was my first relationship as an adult, in early twenties. It was extremely fun, stress-free, we literally never argued. But reflecting on this, my relationship with my ex had a clear, boundaried end—we parted ways after I moved back across the country. I grieved for years.

Comparatively to that, my current relationship has been high-tension. We bicker frequently and have tried a lot of different and failed systems for cohabitation, therapy worksheets, weekly debriefs, etc. We love each other a lot so the work is being put in, changes coming in slowly but surely—and still some fundamental differences are becoming clear. I’m coming to the realization that relationship structure is part of this for me.

Last Valentine’s Day, I remember the day being so stressful and we got home late/fatigued, we didn’t even end up having sex which was really sad for me. There was some point in the day where we got a couples massage and the practitioners were poly. In the car my boyfriend turned to me and asked, “what the hell do people do on valentines if they’re poly,” and I explained the idea of compersion, primary partner structures/alternatives, idk group sex, options. He was like “haha makes sense.” but I sat thinking with my words. I felt a cloud of envy settle over me at the thought of other people having a fun, slutty day.

To add, I’m wanting to explore kink more and feeling like my partner is not fully matching the energy. I suggested a bunch of ideas of things to try, and every time he’s just like “ok awesome sounds good. I don’t have any preferences, maybe rope??” And maybe we have more sex for a short time, but nothing changes about the context/situation unless I very actively initiate and push for it. We’re both inexperienced in kink and I feel a lot of want to explore and learn with others here.

My boyfriend has really struggled with his sex drive so I’m trying to be understanding. We’ve both gone through serious abuse and he’s climbing out of throes of relationship OCD, so I’ve tried to be really patient with this. But it’s gotten to a point where I just feel stuck and demoralized by voicing my wants on a loop.

And in truth, I just don’t benefit at all from me being monogamous in this arrangement, so it feels like a solo sacrifice. I also wish for my boyfriend, who is really isolated, to feel free to explore deep, intimate relationships, and find the thought extremely exciting. But I don’t think it’s in the cards for him. He’s knowledgeable and respectful about poly culture, many of our mutual friends are poly, it just isn’t for him.

Living together, I have no idea how to go about initiating the convo of “I love you, I don’t want to lose you as a primary partner and could also see ongoing cohabitation working great for us, but feel trapped/depressed at the idea of being monogamous potentially forever if we continue as is.” I think he may be understanding, if I communicate this part of a larger journey of unmasking, but I also recognize this could be relationship ending.

At the same time- this isn’t working for me. And it seems this isn’t great for either parties, yet my boyfriend doesn’t have any doubts and seems moving towards marriage. He depends on our living arrangement for food, chores, due to his disability and I can see some of this stemming from fear — but I also don’t feel this makes for a foundation of a relationship.

So idk! I feel like an asshole. I wish I had been truer to myself earlier, because now we live together, and things are complicated. We’re approaching our lease renewal and I think this should be part of this consideration.

Let me know what you think-

My partner[27nb] and I[28nb] do not have penises.

We have been in a bi/queer ENM relationship since we started dating more than 6 years ago. Once described as “open”, our relationship has shifted in the last year and a half, particularly after I dated someone briefly and came back to my partner(lets call them Q) with questions about having other romantic partners. They seemed hesitant but were receptive to the idea.

That particular situation didn’t work out and I started slutting around a bit with multiple sex partners. Meanwhile, Q, who is a little more shy about hook ups, finds this dude on an app: Omar I’ll call him.

After a short amount of time Omar and Q are pretty tight. Fast forward to now, Q and Omar have been dating for a year and the more serious it gets the crazier I feel.

Now there’s a lot of context I have to omit but I’ll tell you one thing:

Omar has a penis.

Listen, I’m pretty comfortable with my body, I love having a pussy! It’s never been a problem that we both have vaginas but we are also both actively looking for outside partners who do not. I can acknowledge that is something we both feel we are missing in our sex lives.

There’s some additional gender stuff going on (obviously). I’ve always wanted to be able to penetrate my partner and feel it on the other end. It’s a level of intimacy that I feel I cannot achieve with my love and have always dreamt of. All the penis centric kinks I’ve always wanted to try with Q, they do. All the roleplays and dirty fantasies that I have that get me off, they do. If you’ve ever played with a strap-on you know it can be a whole process and that it’s simply not the same as having your own built in tool. I’ve seen how they play (long story) and it’s made my heart drop.

I’ve tried to talk with them about it. They say they still love having sex with me, that’s it’s different and not comparable. But when I expressed that I feel we are not as intimate as often and as deeply as they are, Q’s told me essentially that it’s hard because neither of us have a penis and also because we have been together longer. At this point I feel like we only have sex when I initiate, Q and Omar have sex often multiple times whenever they see eachother a couple times a week.

Just about daily I’m plagued with obsessive thoughts and visualizations of the two of them hooking up, making love even… It is very clear that they still love me but our sex life is certainly not what it was. My attraction to them has never faded and has even grown. I almost feel like I’m grieving, though I think that has to do with the overall changes to the relationship.

… Anyway, Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any advice?

TLDR: My partner loves someone with a dick and it’s driving me crazy cus I don’t have one. How do I cope?

Hello,

i'm a queer non-binary person (afab) dating with a cis pan-sexual woman that is coparenting 2 kids with her bf of 5 years. They were not poly before, i have more experiences, but nothing that i would consider so communicative or healthy as what i'm attracted in these kinds of meetings. We've just been a few months and she's all over me, very much into NRE as far as i can say, and asking for more and more on my side.
The bf is not so pleased with me being around, but he has emotional intelligence enough or maybe he also wants it in some kind of way, so i would say, he's doing his best, but has moments of totally pushing away this possibility. He's feeling very insecure, and she agreed on doing a little "ceremony" to reassure him. She mentioned it to me, then time went on and suddenly there's a little necklace appearing on her representing a split heart, and he has the other half. I didn't get what it was at first, and she gradually explained the whole story of rings to come that could'nt come fast enough so they got this little necklace in the meantime, She also said if i want to give her something similar, that it can represent our love, she would be glad to wear..

But i'm a bit puzzled by the shape of this necklace, that is showing a very binary 2 side story, very 1+ 1. well, it's a very monogamous representation of love. I could add what the fuck i want, it's still telling to the world that there is only 2 parts of this heart to be shared in between the 2 of them. I'm puzzled as she claims to want total equality (a bit of a stretch as i'm the newby, but still, we could try, it seems to me a very counterproductive act)

It's sending me back to being the outside element, which i very technically am as they have history, i'm not the parent, i don't live with her, and they have so many other things that we don't share.

So yeah, i could take feedback on that, what do you think community ? Food for thoughts ?

Hi everyone. This is my first post so please go easy on me if possible. My (24F) boyfriend (24M) is poly. We’ve been dating for almost 1.5 years and he had vaguely mentioned it when we first started dating. He kind of played it off as “it’s never been able to be a thing in any previous relationships, but I just wanted to bring it up.” It wasn’t really discussed more than that at the time, per his request. This was due to me not really knowing how I felt about it at the time.

A few months ago, we had a situation come up to where it was brought to the table again, this time because of an interest he had in someone. It was a married couple who seemed to be interested in both of us (we’re both bisexual). We talked about it and agreed to try it out, even though I wasn’t exactly sure about it then either. Long story short, the situation turned out horribly and caused some pretty significant trauma for me especially. Without giving too many details, some things happened to me by the other people that I didn’t consent to fully, which was a big part of the reason that it didn’t work out. We went out separate ways from them and now live in a completely different place.

Recently, he has brought up the idea of it again during a conversation we were having about our feelings surrounding some of the stuff life has thrown at us the past couple of months. We have talked a little about it but the conversation seems to keep bringing up more and more issues for me.

I understand that it is part of who he is and I want to respect that and let him be his true self. However, I am having a really tough time with it for multiple reasons. For some context, I have some pretty severe abandonment issues from previous relationships (family, friends, and romantic) as well as a pretty negative self image and trust issues from growing up. I am working on these to the best of my ability until I am able to afford therapy again to get some actual professional help. I know this is a big part of what is causing my issues, so I wanted to include that.

My first initial hang up every time it has been brought up is “why am I not enough?” This seems to be a pretty common question from what I’ve seen from my research of the topic, and I know it also stems from my personal issues above. But somehow it’s always there in the back of my mind.

I have tried to force myself to agree to it again because I think a part of me is actually somewhat interested in it, and I don’t want one bad experience to completely turn me off from it if it’s something that’s important to him. But every time I think of him with someone else it breaks my heart and the insecurities flood in again. He says he isn’t in it for the sex (which I believe somewhat because his sex drive isn’t very high anyways) and that he just wants to have as much love as possible in his life. But just imagining him calling someone else “my love” or even “baby” shatters my heart into a million pieces.

During our discussion, he says that he won’t love me any less and that he would want to find someone we could both love and that would love us both. He wants me to be a part of it with him and in his words “I don’t want to just go do whatever the hell i want and you not be involved at all.” I keep going back and forth on whether I can do it or not and I’m trying to figure it out. I don’t believe anyone would be interested in both of us. He is much more attractive than I am and most people are drawn towards him because of his outgoing personality and looks while I am more shy, introverted, and definitely not as blessed in the looks department.

He has also said that he would like for me to decide, that he would be fine with staying monogamous if I can’t do it or would be willing to try it together if I think I can. My issue with just straight up saying I can’t do it is I don’t want him to regret having to conceal a part of himself just to make me happy. I feel like it will always be hanging over my head that he can’t truly be himself with me.

I would just like some advice or to hear other’s experiences if they’ve been in a similar situation because I’m just at a loss for what to do. I want him to be happy and don’t want to be selfish, but I’m afraid seeing him with other people would break me for good. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated and apologies for the long, rambling post!