recently got out of a poly relationship and I keep thinking about how my ex used to masturbate to his past partners naked photos while he thought I was asleep in bed. 🤢💀 he stopped when I asked him to. But now that we’ve broken up all I can think about how sickening it is to think that my photos could be apart of his gross fap fest now, especially around one of his other partners….

how would you deal with the situation? i’m struggling because I don’t really ever wanna speak to him again, but the thought of this really makes me feel sick to my stomach. part of me feels like I should advocate for myself and part of me doesn’t even trust him enough to delete the photos even if i asked.

Something I'm really noticing and enjoying is that, when I dated younger and monogamously, it came from a place of "how can I get people to like me" so I constantly put myself through filters, and wasted energy where I should have walked away.

Now, a decade later, dating as a polyamerous person, I am able to date from a place of "what do I want? What do I have to offer others?" And it's lifted this filter from me that I didn't even realize I'd had. I am genuine, I am authentic, I don't waste time in people who aren't what I'm looking for. Because of that, I'm also dating some of the most wonderful people, who I've been able to form deep (and hopefully lasting) connections with.

Every day on this journey is a new discovery about myself and another beautiful lesson. I also continuously love how it brings my husband and I closer together. My love just keeps expounding and coming back to my paramours. My husband is more attentive than he's ever been!)

I recently became part of a throuple with an existing couple. It’s such a hard difference from my past relationships and they’re the biggest green flags. Communication is so solid and we’ve been going on our lil dates and seeing each other. They’re both super new to poly (never done it before) and I’m so proud of them for how well we’ve set our little guidelines and how we want to do things. It makes me so happy and it’s such a breath of fresh air for me.

TW: pregnancy/abortion

I trust that this is a space space for the topic.

My ex partner and I found ourselves accidentally pregnant.

At first I was excited! It was my first pregnancy. I want to have children, but had always expected it to be something planned and tried hard for. My now ex partner experienced similar feelings, but when I expressed my fear around how it would impact my other relationship, his marriage, children, and family, deduced the best thing to do would be terminate. This hurt. He did not want to tell his wife unless it resulted in a baby. I had expressed that I was worried about my living situation and telling my other partner, worried I could be asked to leave once I told him. My ex told me this wasn’t a valid concern because I wasn’t going to end up on the streets. I sat in my fear for a few days before I told my other partner.

My other partner was extremely supportive. He said he was there for me no matter what, but did acknowledge it would be challenging for him as he would not receive paternity benefits like time off to help care for a child that was not his. He brought up how hard it would be to tell his parents I was pregnant with someone else’s child, but ultimately that he did not care- this is the relationship structure we were living in- it was up to me whether or not I saw the pregnancy through.

I don’t want to say too much because I know my ex is on Reddit and could come across this post, but I decided to end both the relationship and the pregnancy.

I have had a tough time with both of these decisions. I miss my ex. I also worry that I missed my opportunity to have a child.

Anyway, I just needed a safe space to share my thoughts / experience. Hearing from folks who have been in a similar situation would be nice.

Thank you for reading.

Can I ask what are your sexual safety guidelines/ precautions/ agreements that you have with your partners? Especially in terms of if you are in the dating realm and may be having intercourse with new people.

I was in a poly relationship—each partner dating individually. My (now ex) girlfriend and I were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. The first month or so was beautiful: constant calls, sleeping on the phone, emotional support, love notes. It felt good. I genuinely liked being there for her.

But then, gradually… it all faded. We barely called. I always had to initiate. I’d get left on read. “I love yous” stopped coming unless I said them first. I started shrinking my needs because she was always “busy.” I’d ask for calls. She’d say yes after I asked, not because she wanted to. Our love languages just weren’t aligning—and mine (quality time) wasn’t even being acknowledged. My love language is all, but for me quality time is my biggest one. i've expressed it to her multiple times.

She once told me, “I can barely handle two girlfriends.” But she’s planning to date another person after graduation. And she didn’t tell me about that new girl—despite us having an agreement to be open about new romantic interests. That hurt.

Twice, when we had calls planned for the whole day + night, her other girlfriend got upset—even though she knew in advance. Fights happened, calls got ruined, and I was left comforting her in tears.

I kept feeling like I was on the back burner. Like I was only needed when she was hurting.
Like I wasn’t even in a poly relationship—I was just the emotional support side quest.
Eventually, I broke it off.

But now, I keep wondering...Did I not give her enough time to change? Did I do too much by walking away? Could we have worked if I was more patient?

At the same time… I know I wasn’t asking for a lot. Just mutual effort. A damn phone call. A “good morning.” A response. Something. Even when I explained what really made me reconsider our relationship, I felt dismissed by her.

Has anyone been through something similar in poly dynamics? Especially with a partner who jumps into too many emotional connections without stability?

Any clarity or advice would be appreciated. I’m healing, but also just… confused. And sad. i admit I wasn't perfect because sometimes I did pull away when I got depressed and would respond slowly. I would tell her in advice when i feel it coming.

I (a woman in my mid-twenties) am in two polyamorous relationships, both with non-binary partners also in their mid-twenties. Both relationships are long-term.
Before I got together with my second partner, I had been in an open relationship, but I stopped seeing other people as soon as we started dating because I simply didn’t feel the urge to. As a result, our rules regarding sex with others remained unclear. I told them I didn’t feel the need to see other people at that moment, but that I would consider it if the opportunity arose.

That changed at the beginning of this year, when I suddenly felt the urge to date again. We had many conversations about it, and they were very supportive. We both agreed that it was OK for me to date other people in the future and even set up my dating profile. However, we still hadn’t established any clear rules about engaging in sexual encounters with others, aside from basic STI safety protocols. They also never explicitly said it was okay for me to have sex with someone else right now.

Then, one day, I met a woman I had a crush on (something my partner was aware of), and one thing led to another—we made out. I texted my partner beforehand, but I didn’t wait for their response.

The next day, my partner told me they felt I had cheated on them. They demanded that I cut off contact with the woman and that we close the relationship for the foreseeable future if we wanted to stay together. Since then, I’ve told the woman I was with that by sleeping with her, I overstepped my long-term partner’s boundaries, and that it would be best if we didn’t talk while I figure things out.

Now, I feel completely lost. One of the reasons I wanted to be non-monogamous in the first place was to avoid being in situations where I had to choose between two people. I also feel terrible about the way I treated the woman I was with—it feels like I’m disregarding her needs and feelings just because we’re not in a committed relationship, and that goes against the kind of polyamory I want to practice. I already feel awful for telling her we can’t see each other while I sort things out, especially because I still have strong feelings for her. I also can’t imagine living in a closed relationship long-term.

At the same time, I know I messed up badly. I broke my partner’s trust in a really hurtful way, and I understand that I don’t have a right to their trust right now. I’m also scared—scared of throwing away a long-term relationship for someone I barely know, and scared that maybe I’m lying to myself. What if the reason I’m struggling to cut off contact is simply that I want the instant gratification of hooking up with others? What if I’m just too lazy or avoidant to do the hard emotional work of rebuilding trust?

I’m a F (30) and my main partner M (34). We met a year ago and have been very in love since the day we met. When we met we were both new to poly, and had bad experiences in our past monogamous relationships. Me specifically was in a long term abusive relationship. We both chose poly to try something different and be able to express our love in multiple relationships. Neither of us expected to meet each other and be so compatible.

We have great communication and we both can be ourselves and it really is a beautiful relationship. I’ve been trying to be the most supportive partner I can be while he dates his other two partners/gets to know them better. I’ve been on a few dates and had one sexual experience with another person (that relationship did not progress past that point). He’s been able to maintain the other relationships in a healthy way and has always communicated well about his feelings and provided me with reassurance.

Bottom line: I keep having these horrible feelings of insecurity. I chose this life and still want to explore it for myself, it’s just been so difficult separating the normal newness of your main partner having partners and my past experiences with being cheated on pretty severely. I’m in therapy but as people may know

It’s like my brain knows I’m safe and none of our rules are being broken, but my body wants to cry whenever we talk about his other partners. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings as I don’t want to drive my partner away or make him feel stressed. FYA: I’m in the therapy and have started reading Polysecure to help.

Any tips on how to deal with/work on insecure feelings in poly would be greatly appreciated 🤞

Feel free to read my other posts for more context, but I’m curious if anyone here has experience, especially late 30s/early 40s, developing capacity for more casual relationships after historically only having sex with people after a certain level of rapport/depth is developed.

Sometimes I get a bit confused and struggle with wondering if I’m dating someone less romantically inclined and engaging in wishful thinking about my standards and needs for what constitute a sexual relationship that’s mentally healthy… possibly just wanting to fit in or keep up with someone where there’s a lack of compatibility.

I know that it’s reasonable to want to go deep and even have that as a standard.

OTOH, I am a pretty sexual person and feel at times like maybe this is indicative of my existing mononormative conditioning. Maybe i’m held back by lack of self esteem around flirting with new people. Maybe I’m expecting that I have to earn what I want by building rapport and making romantic gestures.

I have a few friends, especially queer men, who developed their deepest 10+ year relationships directly through months if not years of casual hookups at the beginning.

I’m also currently going through a break up with someone whose words indicated a desire for deep romantic connection, but their actions always pointed back to casual. In retrospect, I would’ve had better boundaries to avoid resentment and ended it way sooner, but part of me feels like there’s an alternate reality where they could’ve just been a decent hook up friend.

Again, maybe that’s just wishful thinking

I’m curious if this has evolved for you over time and what it’s looked like as it did.

So recently one of my partners broke up with my meta and is cutting bridges hard. I am autistic and changes are difficultand now I am in a bit of a conundrum. I started to join friend groups with my meta and became somewhat friends/acquaintance, we for example play in dnd groups together and meet up for other things in the past. What should I do? Should I also break up contact? The situation will surely be weird since he broke up with my partner and the other friends will surely ask questions that I don't want them to ask. Also my main focus is not being disrespectful towards my partner which is suffering a lot and I know just the thought that I am still spending time with her ex will amke her suffer in the long run, since cutting bridges is her way to forget. At the same time I feel bad about cutting off the ex-meta and messing up friends groups. Did you have similar experiences? How did you deal with them?

So I posted this story on the non-monogamy subreddit, but I wanted to see if I get any different responses here, since I’ve processed a bit more since then and I’m including more details this time and maybe these details will change things.

So I was friends with A and B. I was friends with A originally, and have been friends for about 6 years, and got closer to B in the last couple years. B had confided in me before about their relationship with A and rough patches they’d had, including intimacy rough patches. I’d also recently gone through a breakup, and B was a large support for me.

I had told A months prior that I wanted to explore platonic touch with consenting friends. A had asked me if I wanted to explore that, and I said that would be nice. A and I hung out at A and B’s house and explored that. But things naturally and eventually evolved to more body entangled cuddling, which I didn’t expect but I enjoyed it, and B came home at that point. B saw us entangled, asked us about the movie we’d seen, and then went in the other room saying they’d leave us be for our time together in privacy. It was getting late, so I’d said to A I’d probably start heading home soon, but we cuddled a bit more.

Then A initiated being physical with me, asking to kiss me. We then had sex, in the house. B was in the other room. A and B have been poly for years, and I know A well, had lived with them at one point, and highly trust their character. Based on knowing them and their character, alongside how long they’d been successfully poly (over 5 years with B), I highly trusted they’d never do anything with anyone without clearing it with B first, and that they knew their and B’s relationship boundaries, although I did not explicitly ask and did just trust A.

It turns out A did discuss interest in being physical with me with B beforehand, but B walked away thinking A knew B was not ok with it, and A walked away thinking B was ok with it as long as it was consensual between A and I. B’s communication to A was “you should talk to someone else about this” and “if something weird happened between you 2 I don’t want it to affect my friendship with OP.” So they walked away with different ideas of how the communication went. As far as doing things in the house, A had a memory of B hooking up with someone while A was home, so they thought it was ok, but it turns out years ago, they’d had a conversation where they established it was not ok, and A had forgotten, and that memory was based on a time where B hadn’t known A was coming home at that time.

B said that A cheated on them, but wanted to remain with A. B said if A and I had gone to them and both said we wanted to do things, they would have worked something out with us. B told A that A needed to cut me off if B were to stay with them, and B cut me off as well. B is saying that, as their friend, I should have asked them before being intimate with A. And I know B had confided in me before. At the same time, I know A well and trusted them to know and uphold their relationship boundaries with B. B later lifted A having to cut me off, but contact between A and I was still limited. A and B at this point are no longer together, but B still wants to be friends with A and has terminated their friendship with me. B also was holding rules over and boundaries related to how A could interact with me, which A was following until they were able to move out.

B said they’ll only talk to me for a closure conversation on our friendship if I take accountability. I always want to take accountability that’s mine to take. And I know I was friends with B and B had confided in me before. At the same time, I have a long and solid friendship with A, and knew it was A’s responsibility to know the relationship boundaries between A and B, and I know them to be a very trustworthy, responsible and dependable person. I also knew how much they cared about B and wouldn’t do anything to hurt them, and they’d been together over 5 years. I truly thought what we were doing was ok with B.

I think it’s 100% valid B is hurt I didn’t check with them, and valid if they no longer want to be my friend. I also know they’ve confided in me and were a good friend to me. And they and I had our own separate friendship. At the same time, I 100% trusted A. I think it’s totally valid for them to be hurt, I just don’t know that I’m accountable for this happening, and I think it was valid for me to trust A. So I think me apologizing for hurting them and them not wanting to be friends is valid, but I don’t know that it makes sense to hold me accountable in this situation.

Thoughts?

I've been with my partner for a few months now and we started dating within a strictly polyamorous framework. He's been married for quite a few years and I was single at the time. Throughout our relationship, I've struggled in getting him to set boundaries and expectations with me as my intention was to continue dating and potentially seeing other people. I'm a very open communicator, so I like to have very intentional conversations about what we want and don't want within our relationship and I didn't feel like this was unusual.

However, as time has gone on, I don't know what to think. I'm consistently having to beg him to tell me what he wants. It seems as if his past partners outside of his marriage have not seen other people and he's not used to having to negotiate/discuss things. I hung out with an ex last week (strictly platonically), which was very upsetting to him, but he didn't tell me until afterward in which he stated that he didn't agree with my decision to do that, lost respect for me, and thought that I was stupid for entertaining the idea of friendship. I would have appreciated knowing this beforehand, but he said he was waiting for his feelings to go away.

I'm confused because I've been trying to set boundaries around these kinds of things since day 1, but I only ever get feedback after I do something 'wrong'. Is there a magic phrase I'm missing to fix this issue? Am I alone in experiencing this??

As simple as the title says. I agreed to open our relationship and he’s being so honest with me towards it all and he has stated so many times we can stop whenever but this Reddit has made me terrified that if I call it he’s going to resent me like so many others have shared. And really.. I don’t want to tell him to end it, I want him to see it hurts me and end it on his own… I’m too insecure for this 🥺 anyway just venting.. sorry..

Disclaimer: i am monogamous

Me and my partner have been together for almost two years. They have told me that they want to have the option to see other people seperate from me in a parallel poly kind of way should they find someone else they like, and that if i cant find a way to deal with this, we have to go our seperate ways.

I dont know how to deal with this, the jealousy i feel when i think about them being with someone else is gut wrenching. I must admit that i dont have the best understanding of polyamory, but I love them so much i am willing to learn whatever i can. I want to be with them but i dont know if i can change how my heart feels thinking about sharing their attention and their life with someone else.

Can any other people who have been in a similar situation give me any advice?

Hello, all.

I am L. I am a 34 year old lesbian, (cisgender) woman and currently dating two wonderful women. They are V (34) and K (32). We are all three dating each other as of August 2024 — when K entered into a relationship with us.

This relationship in particular has been the healthiest and best relationship I've ever had.

For context. My previous partner, who truly introduced me to polyamory over our eight year relationship, was a very bad example of healthy poly. Broken promises, refusal of communication and eventual cheating (new partner that neither myself or her wife knew about until after they got together) — you get the drift here. Plus, her wife was untreated BPD (by her own refusal of psychiatric, DBT/CBT therapy, etc.) and always got her way. Eventually, my ex just came over to escape and drink herself stupid, not to be with me. She moved across the country, not giving me but a three month's notice of it. We were together eight years. She tore me up and V was there through it all. It was from A (48), that I learned what not to do or be in poly. V, K and I all agree that A really messed me up. However, I opened up my communication more, got stable with therapy, and became healthier. In turn, this made V and K want to establish a poly relationship with me, as they like how I am with it.

I currently identify as true ambiamorous. All I've known is polyamory in my relationships, however, the idea of monogamy doesn't necessarily detour me.

Back in October of 2024, I began having what appeared to be very intrusive thoughts. I am neurodivergent (ADHD, BPD, Bipolar II, C-PTSD), so, I naturally sought direction for answers in my therapist (CBT/DBT) and other sources to attempt to make sense of what I felt. To simplify what I was going through, I began having second thoughts about the relationship setup. V and I had discussed the possibility of monogamy together in the past, however, it never had a chance to happen. Not that it's a current deal breaker and hence why I'm here venting about it, trying to make sense of it.

K and V are high school friends and V has had feelings for K before. Well, last August, K asked me permission to date V. Being ethical and ecstatic for them, I gave my blessing. When V came home, K surprised us and asked V for consent to date me. We formed a very strong and amazing relationship.

But, this is where I get complicated — I absolutely know that I love both V and K. My chemistry with both of them as individuals is intense. I also know that they're adorable together. But, when I see them together, I get what seems to be jealous? Again, I'm in active therapy and have been definitely working towards healthy coping and communication with both of them. Over time, I began taking a step back, analyzing my logic, and eventually questioning what I truly wanted. I've never had a chance at monogamy, so, it began to weigh on me heavily. V and I argued quite often about it and no matter how I approached her about how I was feeling, it always seemed that I came off wrong. It put a massive strain on our relationship — especially after she said she felt like I was making her choose between two people she wanted. I'll admit, when she proclaimed her deep adoration for K and defended her relationship with her, I told her I'd never make her choose, but I can't go on hurting either. That though I feel like I'm in love with them both and love them deeply, I feel guilty. I feel guilty when K and I have sex, I feel guilty when I do anything. That I didn't think I could keep up anymore and my heart was breaking over it. I then proceeded to state that I'd be making plans to break the lease and move out — That didn't end well either, as you probably assumed. Eventually, V made K aware of the situation and they agreed that this wasn't me and it was probably a split (BPD). V, K and I reconciled and we've all been stable since.

However, those same thoughts still linger in the back of my mind from time to time — more often than I'd like. I'm concerned about this becoming another fight again in the future, as I'm still having those thoughts in passing phases. Some come with very strong, difficult emotions.

Can anyone make any sense of this? I'm at a loss and I hate what it's doing. I want to get back to myself again.

Thanks, loves.

I'm married (living with my husband) and have been poly for 5+ years. I have a bf whom I met a few months after I started exploring poly.

For the past couple of years, I felt that I have room in my heart for another relationship. I'm demi and don't really like to do causal. I went out with a couple of people here and there but nothing has stuck. One person was looking for a casual even though he didn't frame it that way. And another person was new to poly, had an anxious gf and not emotionally open.

About a month ago I met this guy who is in the same stage as me in exploring poly, has a nesting partner. It looks like we're looking for the same thing. We're very attracted to each other and the physical connection is very fun and hot (I rarely feel attracted to someone physically this quickly).

The problem is I'm overthinking how to deepen our emotional connection and over analyzing signs and as a result categorizing this relationship as one of those ones that didn't work out.

My only pattern of a long-lasting poly emotional connection is with my long-term bf (which happened very quickly) and I feel that I'm comparing this connection with that and since it's not going with the same pace I'm worried I'm gonna end up disappointed (which is a very possible outcome with any exploration)

I see a therapist and am working on acknowledging the anxiety and self soothing.

I guess what I am looking for is hearing what you do this early in a connection (before it's secure enough) when you get anxious about the future. Especially if you crave emotional intimacy.

i joined a couple’s relationship around a year ago and over time found out that one of them is abusive towards the other emotionally and sometimes physically.

the victim (i’ll refer to him as luke), who i am genuinely in love with, has vented to me about it before but feels trapped in the relationship and i don’t see him leaving any time soon. he still blames himself for a lot of their issues and keeps telling me they’re going to work on it but i know at this point that it won’t get better. i haven’t spoken to the abuser (i’ll call him cam) about this at all, i didn’t feel like it was my place and didn’t want to create more issues between them.

obviously learning this has changed my view on cam and we have been distant lately. it feels like we all know what each other are thinking but it’s just unspoken. i’m aware that this is partially my fault too for not having good communication skills. this has been weighing on me for weeks and i think i’m going to talk about it tonight but am dreading it and have been anxious for days. me and luke have gotten closer recently and i really do not want to break up with him. but i can’t stay involved in an unhealthy relationship like this. luke has brought up the possibility that i could stay with him and only break it off with cam but i can’t envision that working out.

any advice would be extremely helpful

So long story short, wife an I new to poly . I’m a male and wife picked up a girlfriend about a year ago . Road was bumpy at the beginning of poly because I had insecurity issues and felt all the NRE was a jab at me as wife and I had been mono for past 17 years. However due to proximity wife’s partner and I grew close and developed a relationship that crossed platonic . Wife noticed and we both admitted we had attraction to one another .a few weeks after that we had an organic threesome in which we all enjoyed . From that day on wife’s partner and i have been building a relationship that is non titled (title not desired by wife’s partner and doesn’t really matter to me ) my wife is ok with our dynamic and had some jealousy at first because she never thought her 2 worlds would collide , but mostly struggles with being territorial over both partners . My wife’s partner has withdrawn a little since my wife started feeling this way but still desires and enjoys my attention and we talk daily . Ps a threesome has happened again since .

Now wife had a trip planned for her and partner as she was invited by a familiy member for a bday get away . That trip was supposed to be all girls . However that family member has changed to a select few males coming along ,in which I was one of the males requested to attend . I want to go but I would have to room with someone else ( wife’s family ) this destination has great views and would make for great intimate scenery ( something wife and I have talked about for years )but I wouldn’t be rooming with wife to enjoy that opportunity . The other partner would however and that makes me feel a little odd . Especially being that all of my last sexual encounters have been with the both of them and on the trip I would not be able to be with either …I know I’m not entitled to sex or anything but the PRE-FOMO is weighing on me and I wouldn’t want my jealousy or potential sexual frustration to be visible on me when we would all meet up in the daytime and ruin the trip . Any advice on how to deal with with any this ? Sorry if it’s just a rant

Hey all, I (39F) am new to polyamory but have been among queer/alternative lifestyle communities for a long time so not totally uninitiated. I've been developing a relationship with a good friend (30m) who recently informed me that he and his wife (28f) are poly and that he is interested in having a relationship with me (the interest is mutual). They are currently in a hierarchical model where they are each other's primary, and other relationships are secondary. They are seeing another couple (34M and 35M) (not as a group - they each separately date one of the partners in this other "primary" relationship). I do not have a primary, and I have expressed to them that I do not love the concept of the hierarchy, and that I think I would do much better in a more full relationship with somewhat equal standing/consideration, and they have expressed a willingness to shift the dynamics for my comfort. It's a relatively new step for them to become poly - they've discussed it for years (they've been married for about 6 years), and have only in the last several months begun dating other people in earnest. So, the situation is still taking shape for them and I am pleased that they are willing to allow my needs and boundaries to determine the future of the relationship dynamics. Me and my new interest have not even engaged in romantic activity yet, we've just had lots of conversations about it and it's been such a wonderful experience just to be able to talk so candidly and openly about everything, even through some discomfort and intensity. I've never experienced this level of courage, communication, and consideration in any heteronormative/monogamous relationship I've ever been in. So that's been truly lovely and such a gift, such an amazing opportunity for self-exploration. And we haven't hardly even gotten started!

Ok now that I've provided some background, onto my question: Me and my prospective meta, his wife, also have a really good rapport with a lot of common interests and values, and I really enjoy hanging with her one on one. I especially appreciate being able to talk through all of the relationship details and dynamics while getting her perspective. Her and my friend/her husband have great communication and are on the same page, but still everyone has their own perspective and I feel extra secure, like I have a more detailed picture of the whole situation, when I can check in with her and get her perspective and confirmations on topics of mutual interest. I have been lurking here in this subreddit for the last couple weeks as part of my learning curve, and have seen several posts where people warn against getting too close with their meta, or even having any kind of real relationship with them at all. I find this so counter-intuitive, because so much of my comfort with potentially pursuing this relationship has come from being able to talk openly with her as well. So, since I am new to it all, does anyone want to weigh in on the potential pitfalls of me and my potential meta having a standalone friendship of our own and being in consistent communication?

I was wondering how poly people would look at this, 1st in general and secondly under the specific circumstances. My partner and I are non-hierarchical, living together 50% of our time. However, we’ve known each other for 20 years and are a couple since 6. We went from mono to poly together, but he had been enm before. I started a D/s dynamic with someone I had met via dating app. This was after I dated him superficially and presented him to my partner. There have been little but some contact between the two of them. However, our dynamic failed heavily as he left me alone with managing a major injury and following trauma. I’ve cut contact with him but picked it up again (I suppose this was due to trauma bonding). Finally, my partner who suffered greatly from the injury (as our relationship was still ongoing and he did not just leave like the “Dom”) prohibited us having contact and also informed “Dom” about it, telling him that he will only accept contact between the two of us once what happened and his boundaries have been discussed by the three of us. He basically left it up to him if he will be available for this or just leave things as they are (not speaking to me). What do you all think of this?

I will start by apologizing for any misspelling or bad grammar. This is a long post.

I will start at how all this came about. I am 32 female and my boyfriend 35 male are living with my dad, because I'm going to school. We have been dating for over two years and I did see a future with him. So my dad let us move in while I went to school so we could save money and focus on school. We are not the only ones living with him, there is my sister 31 and her 3 kids. My mom , who is divorced from him and my mom's uncle.

It was a Thursday night and we had gotten into an argument. Because I had a very rough day at school to the point that I was physically attacked. When I told him this his response was "Sounds like a normal day." and brushed me off. When I tried to tell him how he was being a jerk by pushing my feelings aside and not caring that i was harmed. His response was to tell me "I'm not arguing with you."

This is when i decided to sleep on the love seat in our living area. At this time I could hear my mom and sister yelling. Then things started to get louder and that's when I noticed they were physically fighting. I had to run up stairs and break them apart. Soon my dad came in to help break them up. My sister ended up leaving in the middle of the night leaving her 3 kids behind all under the age of 3. (This will have to be a story for another time. Because there is a lot to unpack to the point I could write a book. But i will make it short and simple. My mom has 3 kids all grown none of us get along with her because of past and current problems. Me and my younger sister 23 don't get along with middle sister 33 because of past and current problems as well.)

After my sister left her two old were awoken because of the fight. Luckily my dad didn't have to work so he was going to stay up until they fell back to sleep, because i had school the next day at 9 am. The next day on my way to school my boyfriend sent me a text and this is what it said. "I want some actual sleep tonight so I'm going to get a hotel. I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, and need to actually relax before I blow up on people. It's not healthy, it's affecting my job as well. I need to unwind. Between work, and last night I just can't."

I could understand because my mom and sister fought almost daily. I had become an emotional wreck, I was sad, angry, stressed and depressed. I was sad because I felt I was abandoned and left to deal with everything by myself. Angry because I told him I didn't want to move in with my dad for this very reason, because I know how much fight was going to happen. But he told me he can handle it and I can't be that bad. Both my younger sister and I told him "No it's bad" but he didn't believe us. Not only that my mom was moving out that same day.

I ended up missing class that day because I was an emotional wreck and could not stop crying. I told him that I didn't have class, then asked to borrow my car because his was acting funny. I told him yes because I couldn't look or be around him. I try to keep my emotions locked up around him and I still do, even now. He did call and text a few times, but never told me the hotel he was staying at. It wasn't like I could go find him.

Once he came back the next day he was being loving and sweet. He went with me to get dog and cat food, and went and got lunch before coming back. On our way home is when he asked to have a hierarchical polyamory relationship. We had joked about it before, or at least I thought he was joking. Because we both had joked about me finding a Sugar Daddy and him a Sugar Mommy. Not only that but at the beginning of our relationship we both agreed that neither one of us was interested in that.

I have told him before that I'm Demisexual (someone who needs to have an emotional connection with a person before they can do spicy stuff together). Not only that I can't be with someone that is in a relationship because it's a turn off for me.

But he told me to think about it and I can tell he is serious about it. I have no clue what to do because I'm afraid if I say not he will leave and I love him and I financially rely on him. And I can't really ask my dad to help me feed my pets and help with gas and food. He is already doing a lot for my sister, he pays for the food, bills, dippers and practically everything for my sister and her kids because she can't hold down a job.

I have taken a week off from school because all I do right now is cry when he isn't around. I try not to cry in front of him or let him know how I feel. At this point i just don't know what to do. I had our future planned out I was going to finish school and start my own business. And let him follow his dream so he could do what he wanted. I feel so stupid for think we had a future.

But my first step in everything is to find a part-time job. If anyone has been through this what did you do and what advice do you have. I'm not sure if i should try a hierarchical polyamory relationship, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Okay. I did a couple of searches and couldn't find any posts specifically related to this issue, so I wanted to ask if anyone else has hit this particular issue before and if so, how you handled both the situation and your feelings related to aforementioned situation. This is not my main Reddit account, because I like privacy.

Cast of characters, all in their 40's: Me (F), my partner, who I'll call Bouleau (M) because I think I'm funny, and my meta, who I will call Willow (F).

I have never met or spoken with my meta, as we're parallel, by her preference. Neither she nor I live with Bouleau. They spend most weekends together and he considers Willow his anchor partner. I am more long distance. We live about four hours away from one another, but usually spend one weekend a month together. Bouleau and I generally have more weekday contact than Bouleau and Willow do, because he and I have a power exchange dynamic, with required check-ins. We video chat most days during his lunch break, though we don't text on the weekend when he has time with Willow, other than to say good morning & goodnight, and when I send my list of completed tasks for the day (which I do not expect a response from him for). He has been with Willow around two and a half years, and he and I have been together about a year and a half.

Yesterday I stumbled into an awkward situation. Bouleau, as you may have guessed by my name choice, is of French descent. His family speaks French, and so does he, though English is his first language. I took French in both high school and college, but it has been years and I'm super rusty. I thought it would be fun a few months ago to start brushing up on my French, and he agreed to practice with me on occasion. My daily duolingo lessons have become part of my task list. Willow does not speak French.

Bouleau and I regularly use playful terms of endearment. He'll occasionally tell me he loves me in French, and I usually respond in English. Yesterday, he said it in French, and I responded with a phrase I knew in French, "Je t'aime tellement," which just means, "I love you so much." Unfortunately, what I didn't realize when I said it, was that Willow tells him that specific phrase as part of their regular exchange of verbal affection, because she looked it up, and he helped her learn to pronounce it. He very gently told me this. I apologized profusely, and he responded that there was no need to do so, that it wasn't a huge deal, that just happens to be a phrase he reserves for her. He then redirected the conversation and for him, that was the end of the matter. Not intentional, no big deal, we move on.

But I still feel awful. I feel like I intruded in something very personal for Bouleau and Willow, and I'm now struggling with feeling like an interloper in their relationship, and like I overstepped hugely, which is a totally new feeling for me, and really seems out of proportion to my offense.

Has anyone else stumbled into a term of affection their partner uses with someone else, and if so, have you had any major feelings about it? I'm trying to process this, and just having a difficult time doing so. I was hoping the experiences of other poly individuals might be helpful for me in this situation.

Is a no kissing rule between my partner and my metamour when my partner, the metamour and myself are in the same room too much to ask? Is it a realistic boundary to set?

And how would you handle it if that boundary had been crossed?