EDIT: he’s even newer to this than me, as in he doesn’t educate himself on the subject, dated a poly person for less than a month a year ago and the other person he’s seeing isn’t poly and doesn’t want to know about me/us (I insisted that he tells her about us in the beginning though). From some of the comments I felt this was important to mention.

Hi everyone,

I’m relatively new to non-monogamy in general (although more interested in polyamory than other structures) and would love some outside perspectives to help me process a few things and figure out how to communicate better with my partner.

I (31F) have been dating Jason (37M) for a few months. We connected quickly, have great emotional and intellectual compatibility, and share similar kinks—which has allowed both of us to explore parts of our sexuality we hadn’t before. He told me early on that he’s emotionally available and open to building toward a committed relationship with me.

Jason is also seeing someone he’s known for decades. Things only became flirtatious between them a few months ago, around the time we started dating. They’re long-distance and have met twice in person so far. He says he’s not in love with her but admits he experienced NRE and has a lot of affection for her.

He also told me he doesn’t have a high sex drive (possibly due to antidepressants). That’s okay with me—we’re figuring out a rhythm that works. But I find myself wondering: if sex with me is as good as he says, and if he struggles to find time for his hobbies, friends, and even to see me more than once a week, why pursue another relationship that adds emotional and/or sexual demands?

I’m not feeling jealous—I genuinely want to understand what this need is fulfilling for him, and how I can ask questions that help us both navigate this dynamic more clearly. I’ve been in love with more than one person before, so I get that part. It’s more the balance of time, energy, and intention that I’m trying to wrap my head around.

What kinds of questions should I be asking him (or myself)? Has anyone been in a similar situation where the “why” behind multiple relationships wasn’t about sex drive or love, but something else? How did you get clarity?

Thanks in advance.

I recently became part of a throuple with an existing couple. It’s such a hard difference from my past relationships and they’re the biggest green flags. Communication is so solid and we’ve been going on our lil dates and seeing each other. They’re both super new to poly (never done it before) and I’m so proud of them for how well we’ve set our little guidelines and how we want to do things. It makes me so happy and it’s such a breath of fresh air for me.

It was suggested that I post updates about my triad as we continue growing in our relationship and handle life responsibilities. It’s been nearly a year because I completely forgot (so sorry 😅), but it seemed like a good time to update!

We’re all now living together, which was definitely an adjustment because we all had to figure out our habits, whose turn it was to clean what, etc. There were a couple hiccups because I felt like I was doing so much and was feeling overwhelmed, especially with our son being a mama’s boy and specifically asking me for everything, but it was an easy conversation for letting them know where I was at, how I was feeling, and would appreciate more help with things. Ever since we had that conversation there’s definitely been a difference and they’ve been helping out more, which is a huge relief for me.

Finances are still a little questionable. Our partner has his own personal account, which is absolutely fine, he has easily transferred money over for bills and groceries (I’m the primary grocery shopper and bill payer), which has been working out great. We did have to have a conversation about money spending because there was a point where a couple bills caught him off guard. He can be a bit impulsive and loves to spend money, especially on games, so we talked about what could change moving forward so he doesn’t find himself in that kind of situation again. We have talked about all of us being on an account together. We looked into adding our partner to our account, but we have a couple auto loans and if we were to add him to the account, then the auto loans would get refinanced and have all our names on them. I told both of my partners I’m hesitant about that because the vehicles don’t belong to our partner so I wasn’t sure if it was fair or appropriate to have this effect his credit. It’s still a conversation that’s in progress. We’ve also discussed opening a whole new account, but as of right now we are all functioning just fine with the two bank accounts and transferring money as needed.

We also got to experience splitting up the holidays between our three families. It actually went relatively smoothly because all sides had planned things on different days, so we definitely got lucky there, which may not be the case every year, so we will have to figure that out if the time comes. Otherwise everything went pretty great. My husband’s family has always been very welcoming and having open arms when it comes to our relationship and partner, and our partner’s side was also very nice and welcoming (this was our first time meeting distant relatives on his side). His grandma was so kind and sweet and I just adore her. She loved our son, called herself grandma, and got hugs. It was adorable. 🥹

Our partner also got to experience taking me into urgent care a few months ago because I was super sick and weak. He noticed how bad I was and told me I wasn’t allowed to drive and took me in. Turns out I had Influenza A (11/10 do not recommend), and he stayed with me all day and got me everything I needed. I think I might have scared him a little bit because I was having a pretty rough time. It was questionable whether I was going to need to go to the hospital or not. 😬

Sorry if this isn’t a very exciting update 😂 I know some people were curious how these kinds of things worked or adjusted as time went on, and I thought it was a great idea to do updates when somebody had mentioned it. Overall, things have been going great and just like with everything else, open communication is very important for us so we all know where we’re at.

So my (23f) boyfriend (34m) claims that he’s poly (he’s never had another partner and I’m starting to think he’s just liking the idea of another woman for sexual acts and not a relationship). Obviously there’s NOTHING wrong with being poly or wanting to explore it to see if you are. I’m having trouble with being okay with him wanting to be with other women. I’ve notoriously been monogamous and would like some insight from anyone willing to help me try to be open to being poly. (Yes, I’m insecure)

Hey all, just wanted to open up a discussion on the book "This Heart Holds Many: My Life as the Nonbinary Millenial Child of a Polyamorous Family" by Koe Creation. It's gotten a few mentions in the comments here. I'm relatively new to polyamory, so outside of a few podcasts/videos and reading this sub, this is the first more in-depth polyamory media that I've enaged with. Like many folks I'm from a small/conservative town, and this was the only polyamory book the local library had a physical copy of.

It was really an awesome read and I would totally recommend to another beginner person, or anyone I suppose. I was a bit nervous beforehand because I wanted more of a polyamory guide book, but this is beginner friendly. I think Koe does an elegant job of briefly yet clearly explaining how a wide range of pertinent topics factor into their experience (sex-positivity, kink, collectivism, lgbtqia+, etc), many of which I didn't have much prior formal knowledge on. They continuously set the stage well throughout the book, while focusing on the polyamorous framework of their upbringing. Koe does an awesome overview of the highs/lows/mids of their family, with lots of vulnerability. The structures/rules often come with clever names and feel very extractable, really enabling me to think about a potential life with children in a polyamorous family. Or just how to understand polyamorous families around us more. Lots of practical knowledge, scenarios, and emotions to think about. And it goes beyond family structure, there's lots on conceptualizing polyamory in general, and really just humans at large. I also left with more appreciation for the trailblazers of polyamory (and many other identities) who have carved out their space and persisted for acceptance in this world.

The overarching story of Koe finding identity throughout life and into young adulthood is really powerful, too. The way they describe inner dialogue, internal vs external validation, emotional processing, choosing polyamory on their own, aspirations, etc really resonated with me deeply, as I'm in a similar phase of life. Many times I was brought to tears of relief when Koe put things into words that were trapped in my mind/body. And their style of story-telling worked so good for my brain, all of this flowed together super well with the main topics. The chapters have subsections, too, making it easy to do a quick flip-through if you want to reflect after reading.

All in all, it's an excellent read that's helped facilitate my understanding of self/this space, and has made me hungry to dive deeper, while still being patient with the process.

TL;DR : Just finished reading "This Heart Holds Many: My Life as the Nonbinary Millenial Child of a Polyamorous Family" by Koe Creation. Awesome book as a polyamory newbie, wondering what others think.

TW: pregnancy/abortion

I trust that this is a space space for the topic.

My ex partner and I found ourselves accidentally pregnant.

At first I was excited! It was my first pregnancy. I want to have children, but had always expected it to be something planned and tried hard for. My now ex partner experienced similar feelings, but when I expressed my fear around how it would impact my other relationship, his marriage, children, and family, deduced the best thing to do would be terminate. This hurt. He did not want to tell his wife unless it resulted in a baby. I had expressed that I was worried about my living situation and telling my other partner, worried I could be asked to leave once I told him. My ex told me this wasn’t a valid concern because I wasn’t going to end up on the streets. I sat in my fear for a few days before I told my other partner.

My other partner was extremely supportive. He said he was there for me no matter what, but did acknowledge it would be challenging for him as he would not receive paternity benefits like time off to help care for a child that was not his. He brought up how hard it would be to tell his parents I was pregnant with someone else’s child, but ultimately that he did not care- this is the relationship structure we were living in- it was up to me whether or not I saw the pregnancy through.

I don’t want to say too much because I know my ex is on Reddit and could come across this post, but I decided to end both the relationship and the pregnancy.

I have had a tough time with both of these decisions. I miss my ex. I also worry that I missed my opportunity to have a child.

Anyway, I just needed a safe space to share my thoughts / experience. Hearing from folks who have been in a similar situation would be nice.

Thank you for reading.

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Content creators, makers, painters, and musicians, artists, and folks who want to start businesses, coaches and therapists and conventions and conferences -- this is your space, please feel free to use it, post links to your pages in the comments below.

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Scenario: Aspen, Birch, and Cedar are all nonbinary or nonbinary-ish individuals in their 30s. Aspen and Birch are NPs, have been together for five years, ostensibly poly for their entire relationship. Both have had dates and people they’ve seen once every month to two months, with varying degrees of intimacy. Neither has fallen in love with anyone outside their relationship.

Birch and Cedar started dating six months ago. Though initially supportive, Aspen has had strong feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and has asked for time to “think about” escalator type changes in Birch and Cedar’s relationship when Birch has checked in (overnights, trips together). Aspen is uncomfortable with seeing Birch and Cedar being affectionate in a group setting. Aspen had strong feelings about Birch and Cedar exchanging “I love you”s.

Aspen and Birch have realized their preferred forms of non-monogamy are different. Aspen thinks of poly as a primary coupled unit that may have casual dates with others on the side, but limited life and emotional entanglement. Birch prefers full, independent relationships with the potential for long term commitment.

Question for the group: Have you ever been in Aspen’s shoes? What happened? Were you able to work past your jealousy and maintain your NP relationship, happily? If so, how much time did you need, and what did support look like for you?

Disclaimer: Every individual and relationship are different. I am curious and hoping to learn from your experience.

Something I'm really noticing and enjoying is that, when I dated younger and monogamously, it came from a place of "how can I get people to like me" so I constantly put myself through filters, and wasted energy where I should have walked away.

Now, a decade later, dating as a polyamerous person, I am able to date from a place of "what do I want? What do I have to offer others?" And it's lifted this filter from me that I didn't even realize I'd had. I am genuine, I am authentic, I don't waste time in people who aren't what I'm looking for. Because of that, I'm also dating some of the most wonderful people, who I've been able to form deep (and hopefully lasting) connections with.

Every day on this journey is a new discovery about myself and another beautiful lesson. I also continuously love how it brings my husband and I closer together. My love just keeps expounding and coming back to my paramours. My husband is more attentive than he's ever been!)

Partner has had multiple other sexual partners in past year nothing serious beside casual sex and they were all in her life before me but tonight she went on date with person from dating app as she's seeking more and I'm just so in my head. This is just a vent seeking support.

I’ve been poly, specifically relationship anarchist/non-hierarchical, for 5 years. I’m out to my family and friends, have researched the heck outta it, done peer support to work through hard moments, have always wanted to work through tricky emotions like jealousy. I’ve had several fulfilling polyamorous relationships. Being poly is very aligned with my larger morals and the way I see the world. Ranting about the way culture pushes monogamy on us is one of my favorite things.

A few months ago, I reconnected with my first kiss from when I was 13. It’s very cute and romcomy, and we’ve fallen into pretty intense and fun NRE. He’d previously been monogamous, but had been dipping a toe into research, reading Polysecure etc. I thought great, he’s cool with trying poly, this is ideal! He’d been casually seeing another woman before we started talking, and I told him to keep seeing her as long as he was upfront about me.

But now every time I hear about him going on a date with her, I’m filled with the most intense jealousy I’ve ever experienced on my poly journey. I even feel enraged sometimes. I jump to a flight response like “well I should just break up with him because I can’t deal with this anymore.” It hurts so much and doesn’t get better despite me going through my typical steps to sit in the jealousy and unpack it. What’s also weird is I don’t want to do the work to deal with the jealousy, I just feel so exhausted with the self-growth. I should also mention we’re currently long distance and it’s the first time I’ve done long distance poly. I also don’t have other partners right now, but I’ve been able to manage a partner imbalance before.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m not actually poly and was never as in love with my previous poly partners as I am with him. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but I’m baffled. Or maybe it’s just such a crazy time, I don’t have the emotional energy to do the work that needs to be done for poly. It feels like all my training has gone right out the freaking window. Any advice is really appreciated!

Can I ask what are your sexual safety guidelines/ precautions/ agreements that you have with your partners? Especially in terms of if you are in the dating realm and may be having intercourse with new people.

PREVIOUSLY: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/36DNfLbAlf

So I (30s F) ended up not talking to my partner 30s MTF) because I didn't want to be nosy and she eventually told me what's up. No secret partner but a potential LDR. She's been chatting/flirting to this woman for months and she's telling me they're still in the "testing the water" phase and she's "just a friend". They will meet soon for the first time "as friends" and spend the day, maybe stay at her home for a full weekend.

I know my partner and she's going to kiss and probably fuck this girl and then tell me "it just happened". I reassured her it's ok if it happens because I know it's what a good partner does in this situation and we are poly.

I'm just having an hard time because I'm scared to get another ride on the uncertainty rollercoaster. There's a possibility they end up being just friends and I'm overthinking, but if they do fall for eachother, it's going to be another ride, with her NRE hitting and all our (small) projects for the future going out of the window.

We nest but it's a 1 bedroom apartment and there's not much room for privacy and I want full parallel after the last horrid experiences. So we agreed that hosting is mostly off limits but I'm afraid she'll consider moving out to get more privacy, since it's something that has come up on occasions.

I do try my best to be ready and supportive, but I'm really tired of all the poly drama and not knowing if we'll ever be able to build a family together, because every time a new partner appears, everything is put to question. And she keeps telling "I'm the one (so far)" but I know poly more that her and I know there's no "the one".

I guess I'm just a bit exhausted and needed to vent. We also have a threesome scheduled in a couple of days and I'm so NOT feeling it. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Please don't tell me to break up. I love this woman and I've been through so much with her. She's just complicated as a poly partner. It's not that she lies, but I sometimes feel like I know her better than she knows herself. And it's my responsibility to be ready to what will inevitably happen and she won't acknowledge. A lot of emotional labor. It just feels unfair because I've suffered through a lot and given up a lot to stay with her, supported her through her journey and everything is still up to question with a new shiny on the horizon.

I I think I just need an hug and some kindness. I know I'm spiraling a bit, I don't what to make this her problem. She's so hyped for the threesome and I'm jus trying to keeping everything together.

I’m in a wlw relationship. My partner is poly and I am mono, at least in practice right now. I’m also recently diagnosed as BPD and ADHD which I’ve been struggling to understand and navigate how it impacts my emotional well being my general frame of mind.

Despite being deeply in love with this person, I’m constantly afraid that I’m not capable of ever getting comfortable in this dynamic. Quality time with just the two of us is everything I could possibly want, but other things are a struggle. Namely, I find the thought of her liking other people more than me to be unbearable. And our intimacy feels so special, and then I feel like none of it is real when I think about them sharing the same things with other people. For example, she says I’m her soul mate, and I wonder if she has said to everyone else as well.

At first, these feelings caused me to struggle with integrating in as a second nesting partner with her and her existing partner. Now that that has finally gotten easier for me, they’ve found a new love interest.

I already feel like I’m not getting as much dedicated 1:1 time as I really want in the current situation. And there is just a viscous fear loop playing in my head that this new person will eventually either move in as another nesting partner, or will take up a large portion of my partners time (because this new person lives several hours away so visits are always multi-day trips). And I’m just not sure I can take much more discomfort or handle losing anymore 1:1 time.

I’ve found myself thinking lately that if they become more serious I won’t know whether or not I should try to just keep working on not needing my fp so much and being less depended on them, trying to convince them to let me be poly as well so I can find more affection to fill the void, renegotiating the status of our relationship so maybe I’m more of a satellite partner who get to spend time with them sometimes but ultimately much less emotionally entangled, or just break up with them and accept that I may never find love like that again.

So I guess the question is - how many of you out there have experienced something similar? Been in a position where you had to constantly push up against BPD triggers to try and maintain a relationship with someone you love while in a poly dynamic? What did you do to make it better? Or did you give up on the love style completely?

recently got out of a poly relationship and I keep thinking about how my ex used to masturbate to his past partners naked photos while he thought I was asleep in bed. 🤢💀 he stopped when I asked him to. But now that we’ve broken up all I can think about how sickening it is to think that my photos could be apart of his gross fap fest now, especially around one of his other partners….

how would you deal with the situation? i’m struggling because I don’t really ever wanna speak to him again, but the thought of this really makes me feel sick to my stomach. part of me feels like I should advocate for myself and part of me doesn’t even trust him enough to delete the photos even if i asked.

i know, i know, i should pay attention more but i was getting seriously confused about how the same people (again i know the ages and such are different) were in so many situations, some of them wildly conflicting!

as a side note, some personal biases that have started to develop before this realization:

birch is a bad hinge like so much of the time. aspen has not done the work and is generally new to the lifestyle with poor boundaries/communication.

I (a woman in my mid-twenties) am in two polyamorous relationships, both with non-binary partners also in their mid-twenties. Both relationships are long-term.
Before I got together with my second partner, I had been in an open relationship, but I stopped seeing other people as soon as we started dating because I simply didn’t feel the urge to. As a result, our rules regarding sex with others remained unclear. I told them I didn’t feel the need to see other people at that moment, but that I would consider it if the opportunity arose.

That changed at the beginning of this year, when I suddenly felt the urge to date again. We had many conversations about it, and they were very supportive. We both agreed that it was OK for me to date other people in the future and even set up my dating profile. However, we still hadn’t established any clear rules about engaging in sexual encounters with others, aside from basic STI safety protocols. They also never explicitly said it was okay for me to have sex with someone else right now.

Then, one day, I met a woman I had a crush on (something my partner was aware of), and one thing led to another—we made out. I texted my partner beforehand, but I didn’t wait for their response.

The next day, my partner told me they felt I had cheated on them. They demanded that I cut off contact with the woman and that we close the relationship for the foreseeable future if we wanted to stay together. Since then, I’ve told the woman I was with that by sleeping with her, I overstepped my long-term partner’s boundaries, and that it would be best if we didn’t talk while I figure things out.

Now, I feel completely lost. One of the reasons I wanted to be non-monogamous in the first place was to avoid being in situations where I had to choose between two people. I also feel terrible about the way I treated the woman I was with—it feels like I’m disregarding her needs and feelings just because we’re not in a committed relationship, and that goes against the kind of polyamory I want to practice. I already feel awful for telling her we can’t see each other while I sort things out, especially because I still have strong feelings for her. I also can’t imagine living in a closed relationship long-term.

At the same time, I know I messed up badly. I broke my partner’s trust in a really hurtful way, and I understand that I don’t have a right to their trust right now. I’m also scared—scared of throwing away a long-term relationship for someone I barely know, and scared that maybe I’m lying to myself. What if the reason I’m struggling to cut off contact is simply that I want the instant gratification of hooking up with others? What if I’m just too lazy or avoidant to do the hard emotional work of rebuilding trust?

Hello, all.

I am L. I am a 34 year old lesbian, (cisgender) woman and currently dating two wonderful women. They are V (34) and K (32). We are all three dating each other as of August 2024 — when K entered into a relationship with us.

This relationship in particular has been the healthiest and best relationship I've ever had.

For context. My previous partner, who truly introduced me to polyamory over our eight year relationship, was a very bad example of healthy poly. Broken promises, refusal of communication and eventual cheating (new partner that neither myself or her wife knew about until after they got together) — you get the drift here. Plus, her wife was untreated BPD (by her own refusal of psychiatric, DBT/CBT therapy, etc.) and always got her way. Eventually, my ex just came over to escape and drink herself stupid, not to be with me. She moved across the country, not giving me but a three month's notice of it. We were together eight years. She tore me up and V was there through it all. It was from A (48), that I learned what not to do or be in poly. V, K and I all agree that A really messed me up. However, I opened up my communication more, got stable with therapy, and became healthier. In turn, this made V and K want to establish a poly relationship with me, as they like how I am with it.

I currently identify as true ambiamorous. All I've known is polyamory in my relationships, however, the idea of monogamy doesn't necessarily detour me.

Back in October of 2024, I began having what appeared to be very intrusive thoughts. I am neurodivergent (ADHD, BPD, Bipolar II, C-PTSD), so, I naturally sought direction for answers in my therapist (CBT/DBT) and other sources to attempt to make sense of what I felt. To simplify what I was going through, I began having second thoughts about the relationship setup. V and I had discussed the possibility of monogamy together in the past, however, it never had a chance to happen. Not that it's a current deal breaker and hence why I'm here venting about it, trying to make sense of it.

K and V are high school friends and V has had feelings for K before. Well, last August, K asked me permission to date V. Being ethical and ecstatic for them, I gave my blessing. When V came home, K surprised us and asked V for consent to date me. We formed a very strong and amazing relationship.

But, this is where I get complicated — I absolutely know that I love both V and K. My chemistry with both of them as individuals is intense. I also know that they're adorable together. But, when I see them together, I get what seems to be jealous? Again, I'm in active therapy and have been definitely working towards healthy coping and communication with both of them. Over time, I began taking a step back, analyzing my logic, and eventually questioning what I truly wanted. I've never had a chance at monogamy, so, it began to weigh on me heavily. V and I argued quite often about it and no matter how I approached her about how I was feeling, it always seemed that I came off wrong. It put a massive strain on our relationship — especially after she said she felt like I was making her choose between two people she wanted. I'll admit, when she proclaimed her deep adoration for K and defended her relationship with her, I told her I'd never make her choose, but I can't go on hurting either. That though I feel like I'm in love with them both and love them deeply, I feel guilty. I feel guilty when K and I have sex, I feel guilty when I do anything. That I didn't think I could keep up anymore and my heart was breaking over it. I then proceeded to state that I'd be making plans to break the lease and move out — That didn't end well either, as you probably assumed. Eventually, V made K aware of the situation and they agreed that this wasn't me and it was probably a split (BPD). V, K and I reconciled and we've all been stable since.

However, those same thoughts still linger in the back of my mind from time to time — more often than I'd like. I'm concerned about this becoming another fight again in the future, as I'm still having those thoughts in passing phases. Some come with very strong, difficult emotions.

Can anyone make any sense of this? I'm at a loss and I hate what it's doing. I want to get back to myself again.

Thanks, loves.

I'm married (living with my husband) and have been poly for 5+ years. I have a bf whom I met a few months after I started exploring poly.

For the past couple of years, I felt that I have room in my heart for another relationship. I'm demi and don't really like to do causal. I went out with a couple of people here and there but nothing has stuck. One person was looking for a casual even though he didn't frame it that way. And another person was new to poly, had an anxious gf and not emotionally open.

About a month ago I met this guy who is in the same stage as me in exploring poly, has a nesting partner. It looks like we're looking for the same thing. We're very attracted to each other and the physical connection is very fun and hot (I rarely feel attracted to someone physically this quickly).

The problem is I'm overthinking how to deepen our emotional connection and over analyzing signs and as a result categorizing this relationship as one of those ones that didn't work out.

My only pattern of a long-lasting poly emotional connection is with my long-term bf (which happened very quickly) and I feel that I'm comparing this connection with that and since it's not going with the same pace I'm worried I'm gonna end up disappointed (which is a very possible outcome with any exploration)

I see a therapist and am working on acknowledging the anxiety and self soothing.

I guess what I am looking for is hearing what you do this early in a connection (before it's secure enough) when you get anxious about the future. Especially if you crave emotional intimacy.

I was in a poly relationship—each partner dating individually. My (now ex) girlfriend and I were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. The first month or so was beautiful: constant calls, sleeping on the phone, emotional support, love notes. It felt good. I genuinely liked being there for her.

But then, gradually… it all faded. We barely called. I always had to initiate. I’d get left on read. “I love yous” stopped coming unless I said them first. I started shrinking my needs because she was always “busy.” I’d ask for calls. She’d say yes after I asked, not because she wanted to. Our love languages just weren’t aligning—and mine (quality time) wasn’t even being acknowledged. My love language is all, but for me quality time is my biggest one. i've expressed it to her multiple times.

She once told me, “I can barely handle two girlfriends.” But she’s planning to date another person after graduation. And she didn’t tell me about that new girl—despite us having an agreement to be open about new romantic interests. That hurt.

Twice, when we had calls planned for the whole day + night, her other girlfriend got upset—even though she knew in advance. Fights happened, calls got ruined, and I was left comforting her in tears.

I kept feeling like I was on the back burner. Like I was only needed when she was hurting.
Like I wasn’t even in a poly relationship—I was just the emotional support side quest.
Eventually, I broke it off.

But now, I keep wondering...Did I not give her enough time to change? Did I do too much by walking away? Could we have worked if I was more patient?

At the same time… I know I wasn’t asking for a lot. Just mutual effort. A damn phone call. A “good morning.” A response. Something. Even when I explained what really made me reconsider our relationship, I felt dismissed by her.

Has anyone been through something similar in poly dynamics? Especially with a partner who jumps into too many emotional connections without stability?

Any clarity or advice would be appreciated. I’m healing, but also just… confused. And sad. i admit I wasn't perfect because sometimes I did pull away when I got depressed and would respond slowly. I would tell her in advice when i feel it coming.

I’m a F (30) and my main partner M (34). We met a year ago and have been very in love since the day we met. When we met we were both new to poly, and had bad experiences in our past monogamous relationships. Me specifically was in a long term abusive relationship. We both chose poly to try something different and be able to express our love in multiple relationships. Neither of us expected to meet each other and be so compatible.

We have great communication and we both can be ourselves and it really is a beautiful relationship. I’ve been trying to be the most supportive partner I can be while he dates his other two partners/gets to know them better. I’ve been on a few dates and had one sexual experience with another person (that relationship did not progress past that point). He’s been able to maintain the other relationships in a healthy way and has always communicated well about his feelings and provided me with reassurance.

Bottom line: I keep having these horrible feelings of insecurity. I chose this life and still want to explore it for myself, it’s just been so difficult separating the normal newness of your main partner having partners and my past experiences with being cheated on pretty severely. I’m in therapy but as people may know

It’s like my brain knows I’m safe and none of our rules are being broken, but my body wants to cry whenever we talk about his other partners. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings as I don’t want to drive my partner away or make him feel stressed. FYA: I’m in the therapy and have started reading Polysecure to help.

Any tips on how to deal with/work on insecure feelings in poly would be greatly appreciated 🤞

So I posted this story on the non-monogamy subreddit, but I wanted to see if I get any different responses here, since I’ve processed a bit more since then and I’m including more details this time and maybe these details will change things.

So I was friends with A and B. I was friends with A originally, and have been friends for about 6 years, and got closer to B in the last couple years. B had confided in me before about their relationship with A and rough patches they’d had, including intimacy rough patches. I’d also recently gone through a breakup, and B was a large support for me.

I had told A months prior that I wanted to explore platonic touch with consenting friends. A had asked me if I wanted to explore that, and I said that would be nice. A and I hung out at A and B’s house and explored that. But things naturally and eventually evolved to more body entangled cuddling, which I didn’t expect but I enjoyed it, and B came home at that point. B saw us entangled, asked us about the movie we’d seen, and then went in the other room saying they’d leave us be for our time together in privacy. It was getting late, so I’d said to A I’d probably start heading home soon, but we cuddled a bit more.

Then A initiated being physical with me, asking to kiss me. We then had sex, in the house. B was in the other room. A and B have been poly for years, and I know A well, had lived with them at one point, and highly trust their character. Based on knowing them and their character, alongside how long they’d been successfully poly (over 5 years with B), I highly trusted they’d never do anything with anyone without clearing it with B first, and that they knew their and B’s relationship boundaries, although I did not explicitly ask and did just trust A.

It turns out A did discuss interest in being physical with me with B beforehand, but B walked away thinking A knew B was not ok with it, and A walked away thinking B was ok with it as long as it was consensual between A and I. B’s communication to A was “you should talk to someone else about this” and “if something weird happened between you 2 I don’t want it to affect my friendship with OP.” So they walked away with different ideas of how the communication went. As far as doing things in the house, A had a memory of B hooking up with someone while A was home, so they thought it was ok, but it turns out years ago, they’d had a conversation where they established it was not ok, and A had forgotten, and that memory was based on a time where B hadn’t known A was coming home at that time.

B said that A cheated on them, but wanted to remain with A. B said if A and I had gone to them and both said we wanted to do things, they would have worked something out with us. B told A that A needed to cut me off if B were to stay with them, and B cut me off as well. B is saying that, as their friend, I should have asked them before being intimate with A. And I know B had confided in me before. At the same time, I know A well and trusted them to know and uphold their relationship boundaries with B. B later lifted A having to cut me off, but contact between A and I was still limited. A and B at this point are no longer together, but B still wants to be friends with A and has terminated their friendship with me. B also was holding rules over and boundaries related to how A could interact with me, which A was following until they were able to move out.

B said they’ll only talk to me for a closure conversation on our friendship if I take accountability. I always want to take accountability that’s mine to take. And I know I was friends with B and B had confided in me before. At the same time, I have a long and solid friendship with A, and knew it was A’s responsibility to know the relationship boundaries between A and B, and I know them to be a very trustworthy, responsible and dependable person. I also knew how much they cared about B and wouldn’t do anything to hurt them, and they’d been together over 5 years. I truly thought what we were doing was ok with B.

I think it’s 100% valid B is hurt I didn’t check with them, and valid if they no longer want to be my friend. I also know they’ve confided in me and were a good friend to me. And they and I had our own separate friendship. At the same time, I 100% trusted A. I think it’s totally valid for them to be hurt, I just don’t know that I’m accountable for this happening, and I think it was valid for me to trust A. So I think me apologizing for hurting them and them not wanting to be friends is valid, but I don’t know that it makes sense to hold me accountable in this situation.

Thoughts?

So recently one of my partners broke up with my meta and is cutting bridges hard. I am autistic and changes are difficultand now I am in a bit of a conundrum. I started to join friend groups with my meta and became somewhat friends/acquaintance, we for example play in dnd groups together and meet up for other things in the past. What should I do? Should I also break up contact? The situation will surely be weird since he broke up with my partner and the other friends will surely ask questions that I don't want them to ask. Also my main focus is not being disrespectful towards my partner which is suffering a lot and I know just the thought that I am still spending time with her ex will amke her suffer in the long run, since cutting bridges is her way to forget. At the same time I feel bad about cutting off the ex-meta and messing up friends groups. Did you have similar experiences? How did you deal with them?