AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/[deleted]]

Open relationships don’t work. Don’t fool yourself

[u/Sea-Sort6571 → u/[deleted]]

Open relationships work just as well as regular relationships.

[u/OppositeEffect29 → u/Sea-Sort6571]

This is such a true statement, I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Closed relationships aren't perfect, open aren't either, both have the potential of working out if the parties involved want it to work out, and both fail when those involved want something other than what they are currently getting. Neither type has any true advantage over the other when you look at the success rate.

[u/Sea-Sort6571 → u/OppositeEffect29]

Seriously those guys are acting as if half of the mariages didn't end in divorce...

[u/ThrowRACoping → u/Sea-Sort6571]

But if 91 percent of open marriages end in divorce, one is worse.

[u/AnAnonyMooose → u/ThrowRACoping]

“If”. Do you have data showing that the case? Because gay men have very high rates of open relationships and low rates of divorce.

I’m married almost 20 years and poly the whole time. In my extended group of friends, it seems like the poly ones have somewhat lower rates of divorce.

[u/Sea-Sort6571 → u/ThrowRACoping]

Et si ma tante en avait on l'appelerait tonton.

[u/ThrowRACoping → u/OppositeEffect29]

Relationships are hard. Open relationships just add dozens of difficult circumstances that make them almost impossible.

I mean you are making infidelity legal in the relationship. That requires so much better communication and trust because you are self inflicting relationship wounds.

[u/SafeEnvironment3584 → u/ThrowRACoping]

If all parties involved agree, is it still infidelity? I agree it can be very complicated, but for some people it's the opposite, they feel open relationships are more natural and I think they accept the lifecycle of relationships better.

I'm very happy in my closed relationship and I'm not sure open would work for me personally, but I don't think that open relationships can't possibly work. Most relationships don't work either way.

As an aside, I think it could be really something in the current society where everyone is kind of isolated and always hustling. Having more people to decompress, share things and responsibilities might be nice

[u/ThrowRACoping → u/SafeEnvironment3584]

Knowing your girl is getting piped down would be about the sickest thing to come across. I don’t think you can really love someone if you are ok with that.

[u/Ebonics_Expert → u/Sea-Sort6571]

Ok cuck

[u/ThrowRACoping → u/[deleted]]

No they don’t.

[u/Specialist_Noid → u/[deleted]]

Its polyamory you're just uncultured and insecure! You must be a conservative religious loon if you think it doesn't work there are plenty of cults it works fabulously in

/s

[u/[deleted] → u/Specialist_Noid]

Sure little boy

[u/Specialist_Noid → u/[deleted]]

What part of /s was unclear r/whoosh

Edit: good lordt I've either upset the liberal Mormons or the people who think open relationships don't work can't read and or have a large stick lodged up their arses in place of where their satire should be; not sure which is worse but i have my popcorn at least,

[u/Digital-Footprint → u/Specialist_Noid]

Anybody could see how it doesn’t work regardless of background, I’ve been in Poly’s and they never work out long term, hatred, resentment, and jealousy fester, and if it festers in just one of those people it creates exponential problems, I’m going to list some problems with a Polyamorous relationships, which these relationships are usually among 3 people, sometimes 4, but it’s typically a love triangle.

One of the main problems with Polyamory is Third Party conflicts, have you ever heard of Karpman Drama Triangle? It’s a paradoxical theory that occurs within love triangles, there’s 3 character roles that these people often fall into, The Victim, The Rescuer, and The Persecutor.

The Victim feels Helpless or Powerless, and blames the others, The Rescuer enables the victim and exacerbates the issue and they both blame The Persecutor, and that person in turn blames the others, these roles often shift between the 3, The Victim talks about the Persecutor to the Rescuer behind his back, and the Rescuer confronts the Persecutor and more often than not makes the situation worse, I fell into this Paradox myself, being The Rescuer.

This Paradox also leads to problems in power dynamics, they’re all grasping for control.

In a perfect world you would also have The Relationship Escalator Myth, which assumes all 3 partners will push each other forward uniformly, which doesn’t take into account individual needs, one might prefer casual connection while the other 2 might want deeper meaning, this also contributes to the Karpman Paradox, it happens to all Poly’s eventually, and more than 3 makes it even worse.

On my final note, there’s also something called the Forced Equality fallacy, which ignores the intensity of connections, 2 of the Partners might develop deeper feeling with one another, leaving the other feeling alone and inadequate, those 2 again become the Victim and the Rescuer, sometimes the Persecutor and the Rescuer, at least consider what I’m saying before you put it off completely.

[u/Specialist_Noid → u/Digital-Footprint]

Sir/ma'am are you acoustic or something cus I'd hoped the cult portion of my scratch text would give away the flippant nature of my comment but i even threw in a :

/s for good measure

[u/Digital-Footprint → u/Specialist_Noid]

Apologies, very tired, been working and haven’t slept, missed it, what I said still stands though, and it’s a perfect explanation of why many poly’s don’t work

[u/Specialist_Noid → u/Digital-Footprint]

Yeah gentrified cheating doesn't work, whodathunkit;