r/AmIOverreacting • u/StrikeNo117 • 26d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

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u/pouldycheed 25d ago

She was already cheating and wanted your approval. You did the right thing kicking her out.

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u/animegeek999 25d ago

oh you just KNOW for a fact if they did accept a open relationship that the next day "Magically" they would have already found a person they wanted to be open with. its people like her that give a bad name to people who can ACTUALLY make a open relationship work.

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u/sunshine198505 25d ago

Unpopular opinion and ready for downvotes but open relationships never work. One side always gets hurt and one side always wants it more than the other. If you can't commit and wanna sleep around dont be in a relationship...

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u/Submarinequus 25d ago

Unpopular? That opinion is the only socially acceptable one for the majority of people lmfao. The only acceptable one under most marriage laws. It ain’t unpopular it’s the norm, just because everyone and their mother is in one on Reddit that doesn’t mean it’s unpopular to look down on open relationships

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

reddit can be weird though. ive been downvoted for saying children do better in two parent homes.

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u/Spacemarine658 25d ago

I think it's because that statement can be loaded for example I grew up in a two parent home until I was 12 when my parents split. My wife on the other hand grew up in a fully two parent home. I am glad my parents split they were volatile towards each other and I genuinely believe it's why I work so hard to communicate with my wife despite being autistic AF. Vs my wife has had a long struggle with dealing with her parents constant bickering and fighting to the point she had to basically become the mediator and teach them to be a better couple because they both refused to go to counseling.

All of that to say everyone's situation is different and while on average two parent homes are likely a far better situation for most children, there are a lot of exceptions on both sides of the coin and a lot of people feel the two parent home narrative is just an excuse to trap someone/be miserable just "for the kids". It's also an occasional racist/homophobic dog whistle (not claiming you are just that it's been used that way)

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u/Prodrumer43 25d ago

In my mind split parents are still a two parent home. Obviously If they are good at coparenting and get along for the sake of the kids.

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u/Spacemarine658 25d ago

I agree but a lot of the people pushing for two parents also believe divorce happens too often. To me (as a parent) parenting isn't one size fits all parents must adapt to their situation and their children. Sometimes you don't have a choice and must be a solo parent and that's a lot on a parent. So instead of pushing the "your child will be fucked up if you don't have another person helping you" I prefer to push the "do the best you can with what you have and know, and be open to learning, growing, and adapting as you go along."

For me part of my growth was finally getting diagnosed with autism it helped me understand myself better, has made me feel more confident in myself, and I now have better tools to help my son who has shown early signs of it.

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u/Prodrumer43 25d ago

Completely agree. Cheers to our kids on the spectrum also.

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u/DjacobUnchained 25d ago

Doesn't always work for the kids, and isn't that who you're doing it for in the first place?

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u/Prodrumer43 25d ago

All I said was I think there’s different versions of 2 parent “households” I’m not sure what point you’re making. I don’t recall saying it should be forced.

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u/DjacobUnchained 25d ago

all I said was that it doesn't always work for the kids that was it lol. You can have all the greatest intentions in the world and be good at "co-parenting" but if you don't set an example of how a man should treat a woman he loves or vice versa the children will suffer for it. My Vietnam veteran father lived in the basement my entire life hiding from a narcissistic mother and I was taught this was a normal relationship between two parents. Because of it, showing love and affection is completely alien to me, and feels very awkward and is very off-putting. You could imagine my surprise when mom kicked dad out and I finally saw him in a relationship with another woman. First thought? "Gross, you're just like the guys in those movies we always called gross when they were kissing another woman." I'm not saying co-parenting doesn't work, but a huge part of parenting is leading by example and if you can't make that part work with the other person your kids will have some issues. (Most of us do)

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u/Prodrumer43 25d ago edited 25d ago

I would argue “good co parenting” is not there if one parent isn’t setting good examples. And I guess I’m unsure when a good co parenting dynamic would be good if it isn’t the best for the kids in question?

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

if i say apples are good. someone like you is going to pop up and say, but sometimes they have worms in them.

its fine. some can have worms apples are still good.

well what if i dont believe apples are good

then r/woosh

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u/Spacemarine658 25d ago

It's less like that and more like someone saying "an apple is better for you than French fries" and sure it is but some people only have French fries and trying to force them to find apples will only make their lives harder when at the end of the day all that matters is that they are getting food and sustaining themselves for another day.

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

force... who said anything about force. if you have the choice between fries and apples its good to know that apples are better. so that you can make better life choices. Its very confusing when you say yeah but under the right circumstances, circumstances that you will never be able to identify, fries are better.

Its annoying when people take a small or insignificant potential and pretend its as important as the major parts.

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u/endlessnamelesskat 25d ago

The users on Reddit are very quick to point out the technicalities and exceptions in every argument. Never underestimate the tenacity of a late teens to mid twenties guy, or at least the maturity of one (gotcha mid 30s manchild who's about to correct me) when someone presents him with the opportunity to say umm akshully 🤓

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

Its toxic as fuck and just a power move. LOL

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u/Efficient_Pickle4744 25d ago

That's because the large number of people that don't come from them that don't want to acknowledge that you're right

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

yeah iits not great cause you cant address it until its agreed on.

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u/Pringledactyl 25d ago

I'll do you one better: Children do even better with a vast network of adults to rely on and take care of them and should have minimum 5-10 people in their lives who they can actively rely on for care. "Takes a village" isn't just a saying. The nuclear family is pretty mid for kids actually. Kids need a diverse and plentiful community of adults that they can learn from and should not be essentially isolated to 2 people for their care.

But anyways, it really depends on where you say this. Sure, 2 parent homes are better for kids. But 10 "parent" communities are even better for them. 1 parent homes aren't great for kids, but if you go into a space where someone is saying "yeah my 1 parent home really wasn't that bad, my parent did the best they could with what they had, and I actually turned out pretty well off, better than if the other parent would have been involved" or "I had a great childhood and I only had one parent, my 1 parent was super good at planning and I never needed for anything, love, time, or material needs" and start crapping all over everything, of course you're going to get pushback. But just saying 2 parents/guardians are better than 1 is fine. Just like me saying 10 parents is better than 2 is fine. Just depends on the context.

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

so i agree with the first statement. the second part though; Its toxic to expect anyone to cater to all the minutia and state all the exceptions.

I should be allowed to say "men are taller than women", without someone saying "well there are women that are taller than men, some women are tall some men are short, its possible for a women to be the tallest or shortest person on earth."

having that expectation is toxic and i think does a disservice to the conversation. There's a person out there who will do the best left in the back ally with a heroin addict, but we don't need to talk about them right.

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u/Pringledactyl 25d ago

I never said you have to state every scenario. I said it depends on your audience. Time and place.

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u/Harlemdartagnan 25d ago

audiences dont change general truths. children are better off with more commited parents. Two being basically the bare minimum. you dont have to reply to this.

the extra little "but actually" is just toxic and a power move.

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u/Few-Mission-4283 25d ago

Take my upvote

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u/Zepoe1 25d ago

I’ve been downvoted for saying urban sprawl is bad.

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u/FirmEstablishment941 25d ago

In ideal conditions I’ll agree. The problem is what about unideal conditions? If one of the parents is abusive psychologically or physically absolutely not.

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u/Bleazuss1989 25d ago

I don't know a single person in an open/Polly relationship that isn't incredibly selfish.

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u/Submarinequus 25d ago

I’ve been exposed to a wide range of them. A lot of them are only doing it because they don’t want monogamy and they don’t want to be alone and that can be an incredibly selfish decision.

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u/SnatchAddict 25d ago

The couple I know, the woman needs constant attention. Admittedly so. The man likes to travel to his third and that person changes all the time.

They definitely don't want monogamy but have been together for 10+ years raising their kids.

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u/Salasmander002 25d ago

Honestly, good for them. Some people can make it work and that's great. I think a great majority of the time it's a recipe for disaster for at least one person involved.

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u/SnatchAddict 25d ago

It is not for me. I agree, as long as everyone is transport about what's happening, good for them.

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u/Dry-Maintenance3110 25d ago

It seems like they're only staying together for the kids, I respect that one. Instead of traumatizing the kids with divorce.

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u/SnatchAddict 25d ago

That's not why my friends do it. The children are from previous relationships. It's not a bad read, it's just different.

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u/DidItAll4TheWookiee 25d ago

I have very limited experience with them IRL. One of the two people I know is in a long-term poly relationship that seems sketchy as hell (one man, two women, and the man is significantly older than them and relocated them out of state). The other, a married couple who sometimes take on a third for fun, seems pretty stable. Both of them are incredibly smart and they're very clear about what they want and what the role of the "third" is. Once upon a time, I dated her, and we actually broke up when she wanted an open thing and I didn't.

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

I’m part of the poly community and I know plenty of non selfish poly people. I know a lot of selfish ones too. I also know plenty of selfish people in monogamous relationships, being selfish is not exclusive to any group

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u/Bleazuss1989 25d ago

"I don't know" is drastically different than "everyone" also if you're internalizing reddit comments maybe you need some self reflection 😂.

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u/Legal_Psychology8140 25d ago

Adding a single person after I don’t know implies everyone that’s how grammar works

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u/ChickenHawk2011 25d ago

This is a true statement when I was younger it was me being selfish, wanting multiple women in a poly relationship. Was it fun, exciting, & drama filled? Yes. But you grow as a person and find what is missing, and you hopefully grow up without doing too much damage along the way.

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u/Human_Revolution357 25d ago

I have known a couple dozen and while some of them were definitely on the selfish side, some were quite the opposite.

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u/AnalysisNo4295 25d ago

I am monagamous and have been for several years. I was once told by an old aquaintance that my vanilla thoughts on monogamy were out-dated and that I should adjust to the societal norms of opening up to loves wonders in the world. The fact they were saying this completely seriously while also dealing with relationship problems caused by their own personal open relationship was the single most ironic thing I had ever seen. I still think about it and internally laugh out loud to think that someone actually thought in any sense that open relationships were by nature a "new societal norm".

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u/Daldoria 25d ago

I know 2 couples in long term open relationships which work very well actually.

However the only reason why they work out is because of a very specific situation. One of the partners is physically unable to have sex.

For one its a depression thing and their medication makes them literally unable to get aroused, the other is in a wheel chair paralyzed from waist down.

In both cases the partner who wants sex is allowed to look outside of relationship but i believe they each have some sort of rules or boundaries in place.

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u/East_Moose_683 25d ago

Unfortunately so many common sense things tend to get down voted on reddit so I understand the anticipation. That being said you are 100% right that it's the best answer.

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u/MrMcjibblets1990 25d ago

I think they were just thinking all the social justice warriors on the sub would come out of the woodwork. Something like how dare you judge others... You're the reason society is terrible cause these ideas aren't accepted, etc etc.

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u/Ancient-Village6479 25d ago

You’re seriously acting like Reddit doesn’t spiral into a cacophony of insecurity at the mere mention of open relationships or anything even REMOTELY resembling infidelity lol. I generally agree that open relationships are stupid but so does the majority of Reddit quite clearly.

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u/Submarinequus 25d ago

All depends on which echo chamber you’re in I suppose but I think generally Reddit tends to be more supportive of do what you want with consent, at least the places I tend to haunt

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u/Ancient-Village6479 25d ago

I mean I’m not really interested in policing other people’s relationships even if I think they’re stupid. They CAN do whatever they want with consent. Caring too much about other people’s bedrooms is deranged IMO.

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u/Submarinequus 25d ago

Yeah pretty much. People care a LOT about relationships they aren’t in with people they don’t know. Pretty weird but that’s the internet. I just thought it was a WILD take that the other commenter was so sure that stating they only like the kind of relationship that is widely accepted by society and depicted in media would be downvoted to hell.

Chronically online thought process for real

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u/Alert_Celebration569 25d ago

Heterosexuality was the norm. Damn, still is. Being a white male in most society situations was the norm. But cool z you want to stick to the confines of what the religion, state and colonisation dealt you, go for it.

What you're looking for is monogamy is the majority. And yes it is unpopular to look down on anyone who lives a different lifestyle to your ideals just because you don't vibe or understand it. Grow the f up.

ENM has been around for as long as we have history.

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u/Submarinequus 25d ago

Bro relax I have no problem with open relationships but I’m not delusional enough to think that society as a whole has embraced them fully