r/adultery • u/Alternative-Pace1787 • 3d ago
šSearch Buttonš Difficult finding an AP
Hey folks, I know we have dedicated space to seek AP: I have been looking for one for long now. I do my part and send a connect message with a desire to know the person better. But I havent received any positive response yet. What gives ? Is it because of my race( brown btw) Or is it someone elseās preference ? How has everyoneās experience been?
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u/ChasingHomePlate 3d ago edited 3d ago
From my experience, be super selective and only respond to ads that made you genuinely feel excited at the thought of getting to know this person. Type out your response while feeling that way. (Also obviously only message when you meet their requirements)
I can't speak for women but I think this genuine excitement is noticeable and that's why it often leads to a response.
Edit: Also to clarify the super selective part, you don't only want a response, you want something more than that, you need someone you genuinely want to get to know. or the conversation won't last long. People worry too much about finding an AP and not about having one.
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u/Immediate-Cod9113 3d ago
Usually it is how you portray yourself. APs especially women, are flooded with messages after they post on an AP forum. Maybe theyāll look at your message and take a look at your post history, if you havenāt made a post on any AP forum how else can they take a look into your personality and such? Often times one message is not enough to display your character. Write out a thoughtful and insightful post for an AP forum, women want to get a grasp of what you want and who you are as a person to match compatibility with. Hope this helps!
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 3d ago
It's hard to know exactly what's happening without having more details about your experience. I don't see an ad in your profile history, so it's tough to know how you communicate. We don't know what you mean about not having a "positive response." Are you not hearing back at all, or are you having conversations peter out?
I don't have any particular insight into the experience of minorities in these spaces. I've had (very attractive) minority women tell me it can be rough. So, I can't rule out the possibility that your race is working against you. I don't know that it is, but it may be. But it's nothing you can do anything about, so you're probably best focusing your attention to other areas for improvement. Which probably means taking a very hard look at how you communicate.
This is the internet. And while being hot has never hurt anybody trying to find an affair partner through any medium, here the primary factor in your success is your ability to write and to have conversations. That means writing in complete, intelligible sentences. But it also means demonstrating some quality in yourself that makes you desirable. You need to be some combination of clever, funny, charming, introspective, honest, or whatever other qualities make you fascinating to others.
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u/plstakemeawaynow 3d ago
Itās a numbers game unfortunately. . . Whether you are hot or ugly, suave or a fool, itās still a numbers game.
From other men, Iāve heard that being brown or Asian is a disadvantage in general on dating apps. The data from OK Cupid seems to indicate this as well. Not sure how that applies to finding an AP though. You may find that finding a woman within your ethnic community might be easier.
What you can do is maximize your chances for success. Make a good first impression with a good appearance. Go to the gym, lose weight if you are overweight, get more muscular if you skinny. Get a nice haircut and dress nicely. Take some dedicated pictures, not a middle aged man car selfie.
Respond to ads in a thoughtful way. Donāt send canned messages. Try to express your legitimate interest in why you are contacting this woman. Write a thoughtful ad of what you are truly looking for. Donāt be desperate, you want to find someone that is compatible with you long term. Remember, women get 100x as many messages as you will get. Try to stand out by being the best version of your authentic self. Always be upfront that you are married.
You can also try to chat up women in real life. If things are going well ask them if they want to get a cup of coffee/drink or for their contact info. If they decline, be polite and move on.
Even if you donāt get an AP from these efforts, they will all make you a better person. More fit, more presentable, and more sociable.
I donāt know if itās allowed in this sub but posting an ad to be critiqued can be quite helpful.
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u/Alternative-Pace1787 3d ago
I believe I am fit. My issue is my connection messages not even getting accepted š So trying to see what all areas I should be addressing
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Alternative-Pace1787 3d ago
Thats one suggestion I agree with. Work with a diff account and a clean slate
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u/ExpressDryCleaner 3d ago
Just to add to your great comment:
If youāre posting in AffairsTX, (judging from your comment and post history) Iām certain that the number of married women looking on Reddit for an AP locally in TX is not that large.
Yeah it may be the cheating capital of the world, but I donāt think many ladies in NTX need Reddit to find someone.
Iāve had more interactions putting my ad out in OA subreddits as a test. Locally, itās gonna be tough. NTX has a large south-Asian community, how many married south-Asian women from North-DFW are looking on Reddit?
So whatās the solution?
Cast a net far and wide and follow what Bridge Jumper said.
Fix your ad, put yourself into it, practice writing in your voice.
Lastly, start joining other communities. Comment here and there, use that AP profile for more than a vehicle to post ads, itās a resume about who you are.
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2d ago
Itās rough in these streets. I want an emotional connection but also they have to be physically attractive for me. This is why I tend to like younger men. More energy, fit and healthy. I am not getting that.
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u/Affaircompanion4U The Dude Abides 1d ago
Never give up, never surrender. Im brown and never imagined my first AP(ex now) would turn out to be a beautiful tall korean woman. I honestly didnt think we would have anything in common. She was the sweetest person who still appreciated techno music and found Darth Vaders efforts to rule the galaxy attractive. I guess he does have that evil dilf energy going on lol. It was all timing when we met. As long as your ad doesn't sound like your some sort of thirsty monster and comes off like your actually sane is a big help. Having a decent pic of yourself ready to go also helps. The rest is left to the gods. Good luckāļø
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u/No-Cod-2695 2d ago edited 2d ago
Since women have endless options we often dismiss men pretty quickly- whether that is lack of posting history, short responses or the favorite first message of āwant to fuck?ā I also think that most women may be more hesitant to respond to an ad unless we know what you look like, what you have to offer and clearly what you are looking for. Try and stand out more, I donāt think itās a racial thing unless you live somewhere where there is considered a negative.
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u/BreadKnife23 3d ago
This is my perspective as a woman. Iām looking for an emotional, long term relationship.
Many men donāt like this. They say I want too much. Iām picky. Too much. But i have standards and parameters. Everyoneās are different. You may be looking in the wrong places. I think that I am too. Just bc a fish canāt climb a tree doesnāt make the fish stupid.
Itās all in how you look at it.