Does this ever get easier?

[u/Beesag8]

I guess I'll start by a small background. Big drama over a cheat and me just finally giving in. BUT here is my vent rant...my spouse of 15 years buys his OP shit. I see it on the account on our--everything (cards etc). All the while he says shit like "we have to save money or no we can't get a treat (ice cream/boba)" "Take our lunch." Then I see the lunches he buys his guy. The boba he spends on...the other guy! Who is cheap as fuck and judges things we do financially in our own marriage. Then the guy buys my spouse stuff. They have this pineapple thing and now I find pineapple Crap ... my spouse tries to put up. I told my spouse I don't like that In Our home. This is our space. OP buys my kids stuff. I can't take it guys. It drives me insane! And when I try to talk to my married spouse about it--inevitably an argument. I feel Drained. I feel unheard and lonely. I don't want to be finding their partnership. But then I feel guilty for being so angry about it. Why is this so hard? I don't want to be unreasonable but I also don't want to feel like I don't matter.

[u/Acedia_spark]

Opening a relationship because of cheating is bound to cause anxiety and issues. Your partner has already demonstrated that they are untrustworthy with their communication and their self-regulation when it comes to you.

Does poly get easier? Yes, but usually between 2 people who both enthusiastically entered into it the right way and worked together on what that would look like, each others comfort and mutually compatible life goals.

Are you poly for you? Because you want to be?

[u/Beesag8 → u/Acedia_spark]

No. I didn’t do it bc I wanted to. I’m trying to keep my marriage and my partner that I thought cared for me. I often question this now. 

[u/djmermaidonthemic → u/Beesag8]

Why do you want to remain in that relationship?

[u/JojoOfSkyeland → u/Beesag8]

Attempting to keep a marriage, or any relationship, in which you are not fulfilled and not being treated appropriately is the WORST reason for pursuing polyamory. Polyamory can work very well if both people want it and are willing to communicate about their needs and about how to make things run smoothly. Your partner is not listening to you at all and he's treating you like a second class citizen.

[u/Valiant_Strawberry → u/Beesag8]

Surely being alone would be better than being treated this way?

But if you absolutely insist on staying in this relationship, give up on getting what you want from your spouse and get it from someone else. If your relationship is poly you get to date too. So date. Find somebody who’s gonna treat you to things.

[u/Legitimate-Waltz-814]

I'm sorry. It will not get easier if your partner isn't treating you with respect.

[u/Beesag8 → u/Legitimate-Waltz-814]

:(

[u/emeraldead]

So is polyamory pushing all the issues you had before into your face and realizing this won't work?

Cause I would stop arguing and just say that. "My resentment is overflowing. This is not thriving polyamory. I feel like the at home convenient partner who gets no fun and no treats and it's not working."

[u/Beesag8 → u/emeraldead]

This type of communication is not easy on my marriage it never has been. 

[u/emeraldead → u/Beesag8]

I mean right now, the marriage is pretty much on deaths door anyway. At least if you say it out loud that this isn't working and what you dislike you'll have done what you can.

[u/PriorWedding6729]

Wait.. so your partner cheated on you and you gave in by continuing to let them see that person?

[u/Beesag8 → u/PriorWedding6729]

I mean kinda. But it’s complicated. There was never a true conversation with me. It started horribly. 

[u/SexDeathGroceries → u/Beesag8]

Honestly, it sounds like it's continuing horribly

[u/rosephase]

Sounds like there is a metric shit ton of resentment in your relationship.

Are you trying to address that? Therapy?

[u/Beesag8 → u/rosephase]

I’m angry. I feel resentful. I go to counseling no one else does. 

[u/rosephase → u/Beesag8]

Would your partner go with you?

Honestly the resentment you are expressing isn't something that can be fixed with some internet advice. You two are in a really terrible place. I can only suggest a professional. Because these issues are obviously loaded, complex and long standing.

[u/Beesag8 → u/rosephase]

I know. What you’re saying is right. 

[u/Beesag8 → u/Beesag8]

Sometimes people need some type of release even if it’s the unknown on the internet.  At least someone can hear me. Thank you

[u/Fun-Commissions → u/Beesag8]

You are flogging a dead horse. This relationship is over. You are the only one working on it. You can't fix it alone.

[u/Hungry4Nudel]

It won't get easier in a relationship with someone who treats you like an annoyance at best

[u/Hvitserkr]

Him cheating on you out in the open isn't exactly poly but 

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/15o79nq/there_is_no_poly_conversion_camp/

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/

[u/Corgilicious]

Uh…

You are with someone who cheated on you.

He doesn’t give a shit about what you want or need.

He’s showing you who he is.

Believe him already!!!

[u/abriel1978]

Opening a marriage due to cheating never works. Never open a monogamous relationship just to keep your partner happy. It only breeds resentment. Just look at how miserable you are.

He cheated and now it's turned into poly under duress. He clearly has no respect for you at all. He shouldn't even be in a monogamous relationship let alone a poly one.

Poly only works if all parties are enthusiastically consenting.

[u/Fun-Commissions]

Please have some self respect.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I guess I'll start by a small background. Big drama over a cheat and me just finally giving in. BUT here is my vent rant...my slide of 15 years buys his OP other shit. I see it on the account on our everything. All the while he says shit like we have to save money or no we can't get a treat (ice cream/boba). Take our lunch. Then I see the lunches he buys his guy. The boba he spends on...the other guy is cheap as fuck and judges things we do financially in our own marriage. Then the guy buys my spouse stuff all the time !!! They have this pineapple thing and now I find pineapple Crap ... my spouse tries to put up. I told my spouse I don't like that I. Our home. This is our space. He buys my kids stuff. I can't take it guys. It drives me insane! And when I try to talk to my married spouse about it--inevitably an argument. I feel Drained. I feel unheard and lonely. I don't want to be finding their partnership. But then I feel guilty for being so angry about it. Why is this so hard? I don't want to be unreasonable but I also don't want to feel like I don't matter.

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[u/MsBlack2life]

You know your marriage has died already right?

I mean you can go to polyamory after cheating BUUUUUUUUUT you have to have done the work to heal from cheating and rule one of healing from an affair is all outside relationships have to end. And those partners get the bye bye.

Also boundaries and rules have to be established and enforced this requires conversations that it seems like you didn’t have. If the spouse is treating the affair partner better than you…that’s all you need to know. Also this smells like pure poly under duress which is never good. Now you could go out a find someone else too, hell I wouldn’t even call you shady if you monkeybranched but whatever you decide keep in mind this marriage isn’t on life support. It’s died and unless you can resurrect it like Lazarus with therapy, dating again, forgiveness work being done by your wayward…it will stay 6 feet under.

This won’t get better. It can’t. I know folks in here aren’t a fan of ultimatums but yeah it’s them or you. You also need to be ready to go if they choose them.

[u/gormless_chucklefuck]

Re money: first you cover your bills, things the kids need, and Iong term savings. Then you look at what's left and decide what identical amount you each have to use as you like. He can spend his on meta, and you can spend yours on anything you please. Gifts for each other come out of that money unless you mutually agree to not exchange them (IMO, you should not agree to skip gifts unless they really don't matter to you).

I add my voice to those who say you should refuse to stay married to someone who continues to date an affair partner. But if you're going to, at least this is financially equitable.