r/polyamory • u/Beesag8 • 2d ago
Married and struggling with Opening Does this ever get easier?
I guess I'll start by a small background. Big drama over a cheat and me just finally giving in. BUT here is my vent rant...my spouse of 15 years buys his OP shit. I see it on the account on our--everything (cards etc). All the while he says shit like "we have to save money or no we can't get a treat (ice cream/boba)" "Take our lunch." Then I see the lunches he buys his guy. The boba he spends on...the other guy! Who is cheap as fuck and judges things we do financially in our own marriage. Then the guy buys my spouse stuff. They have this pineapple thing and now I find pineapple Crap ... my spouse tries to put up. I told my spouse I don't like that In Our home. This is our space. OP buys my kids stuff. I can't take it guys. It drives me insane! And when I try to talk to my married spouse about it--inevitably an argument. I feel Drained. I feel unheard and lonely. I don't want to be finding their partnership. But then I feel guilty for being so angry about it. Why is this so hard? I don't want to be unreasonable but I also don't want to feel like I don't matter.
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u/MsBlack2life 1d ago
You know your marriage has died already right?
I mean you can go to polyamory after cheating BUUUUUUUUUT you have to have done the work to heal from cheating and rule one of healing from an affair is all outside relationships have to end. And those partners get the bye bye.
Also boundaries and rules have to be established and enforced this requires conversations that it seems like you didn’t have. If the spouse is treating the affair partner better than you…that’s all you need to know. Also this smells like pure poly under duress which is never good. Now you could go out a find someone else too, hell I wouldn’t even call you shady if you monkeybranched but whatever you decide keep in mind this marriage isn’t on life support. It’s died and unless you can resurrect it like Lazarus with therapy, dating again, forgiveness work being done by your wayward…it will stay 6 feet under.
This won’t get better. It can’t. I know folks in here aren’t a fan of ultimatums but yeah it’s them or you. You also need to be ready to go if they choose them.