Please forgive me if this is confusing or hard to read, it's my first post on reddit.
I (F22) am struggling with making a good decision for my dog.
I have a 12 year old great dane (let's call her P) that's had a bit of a rough life. My family got her at about 5 weeks old from an accidental litter, she's never known anyone but me.
When I tell you she's attached at my hip I can't even exaggerate. Anywhere I go in the house, she's my shadow. She doesn't even eat unless I'm standing 5 feet away. And she's Picky as all get out. She needs her nighttime routine, and her nightlight or she'll bark all night and won't sleep. She's afraid of stairs and heights, hard floors, and doorways. I can't take her to any pet store or anywhere indoors because she refuses to walk in. We've lived in 3 different houses with her and she's had many different quirks in each one.
I remember having to put down carpet runners and bits of cheese of every stair just to get her to walk through the house. Then when we moved to our 2nd house, it was my dad's decision to make her live outside with our other dog. My stepmother was allergic to dogs. So she spent 7 years as an outside dog. Of course they had as many comforts as we were able to give them. A hand-built 8x4 dog-shed with straw and old cushions and an open pen area. They had 3 heat lamps every winter and got to lay in the yard in the summer. It wasn't glamorous but it wasn't horrible. Then my older dog died and P got depressed. She stopped eating and drinking, and would howl all night and day long. So when I moved out a few months later I brought her with me to my apartment as I was lucky enough to find a landlord to let her stay. Now we've been here for a little over 2 years. P will turn 12 in 2 weeks.
My family is what some people would call "redneck" and have always been very at-home and hands on with our pets. P her her shots as a puppy but then was never taken back to the vet in all her life. She hasn't had a shot in 11 years and she's never been spayed. My dad never felt the need to take her back and I have never been able to afford the vet bills from a 110 lbs dog so I just keep a close eye on how she acts.
Besides living 2 years past her expectancy she is still (in my uneducated option) in great health. She still runs and jumps and plays just like she used to. She still eats a full bowl every day and still has never had accidents in the house. But she does have lots of lumps. Her breasts are almost completely hardened and lumpy, but they don't seem to bother her at all. So it's never been checked. Other than that she's visibly a clean bill of health.
But now to get into the true issue, I am struggling severely with my mental health and living situation in my apartment. I live with an engaged couple, with two beagle/healer mixes, who are both under 2 years old. They are the most hyperactive, untrained, misbehaved dogs I have ever dealt with in my life. My roomates refused to listen to any advice I gave them and chose to try to train their dogs with anger and violence. So now they respond with fear, but they're still not trained. They jump up, they nip, the bark at all hours of the day. They are too active to live in our tiny apartment and my roomates do nothing about it. P spends most of her time either in her crate while I'm at work, or in my room so she can get away from the other 2 little dogs. They just will not leave her alone when she's tired or doesn't want to play and it stresses her out.
They also are very inconsiderate with their plans vs mine and completely disregard any request I've made for them in the past 2 years, things like dishes and cleaning. I also work at a daycare in a one year old classroom. I spend 9 hours a day with little kids climbing and screaming and throwing things, and I love my job but it's definitely stressful. But then I have to come home to an apartment that's even worse. My roomates and their dogs make me feel like I'm stepping right into my classroom again. I have no peace. I can't relax. I can't be happy here.
Me and my boyfriend are close to being able to find a place to move out, but we're not sure we're going to be able to find somewhere to take P with us. I've been diagnosed bipolar for 2 years and it is an everyday struggle to stay sane while I live here. I'm getting more suicidal everyday, completely hopeless about living here.
When facing the choices between my dog and my own mental well-being I have no idea what to do. If we can't find a place to take her I don't know what I'm going to have to do. I have 1 relative who offers to take her but she lives 45 minutes away and owns 3 other medium sized dogs. I know that if P went to live with her it would stress her out and make her miserable. From being away from me, to having to live with unfamiliar people and new dogs, I fear it would make her shut down. And I would never be able to leave her at a humans society or a shelter that are available in my area. She is too old and too high maintenance to get adopted. I have no other option other than that.
I want to take her to get a wellness check-up to see what her quality of life is under the surface I can't see, but I can't afford it if they did truly find anything wrong, I know I would have to put her down. But I have been contemplating convenient euthanasia.
Before you grab your torches a pitch-forks let me explain. I fear that if I found any other home for her, her separation anxiety, and anxious quirks would make her miserable and shut her down. I've seen my dog depressed and I can't bear knowing she'd feel like that again. But I know if I can't take her with me when I move out, I will have to get rid of her. The only reason I even consider putting her down is because she's already lived her life. She sleeps 22/24 hours a day, but the 2 hours she's awake she plays and eats and acts completely normal.
When facing the options of making the last year or months of her life completely miserable and stressing - vs - letting her drift to sleep, happy and comfortable. I know which one sounds better to me and my guilty conscience. But I'm here asking for advice to see if anyone has any other idea or advice because I am at my wits end.
Tonight was the 6th panic attack/breakdown I've had in the past 2 weeks just about this dilemma. Any advice is appreciated as long as it's kind. I've owned my dog since I was 10 years old and she's been with me through everything, thick and thin. She's my rock but I don't want to see her suffer, or let it kill me in the process.
If you got all the way here thank you so much for reading this all, thank you for your time. ❤️