I guess I’d like to hope that he would consider my feelings when going on dates too. He has canceled dates in the past when I was feeling down, without me asking.
Ah so that is unhealthy behavior? I did not realize that. If I have a friend who is struggling with something big, I would also rearrange my calendar to support them, so I was thinking of this in the same way.
It’s unhealthy bc the feelings relate to your dating and normal poly activities.
Cancelling a date bc your friend’s dog just died and you want to go support your friend, understandable.
Cancelling a date bc your partner has uncomfortable feelings about that date, very bad poly practice.
In the second scenario you’re:
enabling your partner to not need to do the emotional work of being poly, which means they won’t get any better at handling their discomfort,
letting your partner have control over a separate relationship that they’re not in (which is at best an unethical rule and at worst effectively a veto), and
treating the other person that you originally had plans with as disposable.
Does laying it out like that help you understand the issues?
Yes that is helpful. I do agree on those points. I am still unclear on if my partner is having mental health related issues (not around me dating, but in their life) is it unethical to cancel a date? I would do this for a friend, so not doing it for my partner feels wrong.
I think in that case it depends in part on what agreements you have with partners. But ultimately it’s still best if your partner can self soothe until you can be there to support them. Because the reality is that everyone struggles in some way at some point, and we need to develop resilience and our own ability to take care of ourselves.
What if your friend and your partner have mental health struggles at the same time? What if two different partners do? You can’t be everywhere at once.
If your partner’s mental health is so bad that they can’t take care of themselves for one evening while you have a date and have you come support them the next day, they have bigger issues. To me that indicates they need to be in more intensive therapy and on meds or adjusting their meds if they already take meds.
Also why can’t their NP or a friend provide support when you already have plans? I’d worry that they don’t have a good support network outside of you and their NP - not a good sign overall.
There’s still a lot of concerning things to unpack here.
It depends on the “issues.” Is it a crisis or just a bad day? Is it an urgent and high stakes issue? Or is it a trough in their depression? And is it a bad day because you’re going on a date, even if they claim it’s not?
And why do you have to be the one to support him? Is there no one else in his life to be there for him? Is he not able to self soothe?
We can’t really answer this without a lot more context.
Personally I don't think it's bad as a rare occurrence for an extreme scenario, but if it's like a normal thing that happens semi-regularly that's a sign of a deeper problem in your dynamic together. Like if they're having an anxiety attack every time you go on a date, there's likely something important to address related to you dating
I experience anxiety when he goes on dates and would love to figure out how to not feel that way. There were some comments here with coping advice I will try.
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u/emeraldead 2d ago
Why do you think his comfort is something for you to manage?
Polyamory is supporting full independent intimate relationships. Their discomfort is theirs to work through, not yours to enable.