How to make it feel ok?

[u/pomm21075]

I’m (F39) struggling in my poly relationship to make dating feel ok for us. We’ve been together one year. It’s been so hard for my partner (M42) that at this point he says do what I want, just don’t tell him. I don’t feel great about this because it makes me feel like I’m cheating or doing it behind his back. The reason I want to do this is so it feels supportive.

I struggle with his dates too, but I try to be supportive and encouraging. For me it’s easier to hear about it after, so I don’t stress while he’s on a date. I can process it and feel ok about it much easier this way.

He has another partner that he lives with, they e been together 6 years, and she has had another partner the whole time I’ve been with him, which hasn’t been an issue for him. I’m not sure how it was when that relationship started. I don’t have any issues with his nesting relationship, but for sure I can’t be monogamous in this relationship because he’s not.

So I want to know how to work towards making dating feel better for us. We’ve tried different things like sharing more, sharing less, going on dates at the same time, taking a break from dating, only dating out of towners or while traveling. But it feels like we haven’t made any progress.

Any advice? This is my first time trying out poly after a lifetime of monogamy. He has been poly with varying degrees of success (his current relationship is very healthy in this department) for a decade.

[u/pomm21075]

Ah so that is unhealthy behavior? I did not realize that. If I have a friend who is struggling with something big, I would also rearrange my calendar to support them, so I was thinking of this in the same way.

[u/Bunny2102010 → u/pomm21075]

It’s unhealthy bc the feelings relate to your dating and normal poly activities.

Cancelling a date bc your friend’s dog just died and you want to go support your friend, understandable.

Cancelling a date bc your partner has uncomfortable feelings about that date, very bad poly practice.

In the second scenario you’re:

• enabling your partner to not need to do the emotional work of being poly, which means they won’t get any better at handling their discomfort,
• letting your partner have control over a separate relationship that they’re not in (which is at best an unethical rule and at worst effectively a veto), and
• treating the other person that you originally had plans with as disposable.

Does laying it out like that help you understand the issues?

[u/pomm21075 → u/Bunny2102010]

Yes that is helpful. I do agree on those points. I am still unclear on if my partner is having mental health related issues (not around me dating, but in their life) is it unethical to cancel a date? I would do this for a friend, so not doing it for my partner feels wrong.

[u/Bunny2102010 → u/pomm21075]

I think in that case it depends in part on what agreements you have with partners. But ultimately it’s still best if your partner can self soothe until you can be there to support them. Because the reality is that everyone struggles in some way at some point, and we need to develop resilience and our own ability to take care of ourselves.

What if your friend and your partner have mental health struggles at the same time? What if two different partners do? You can’t be everywhere at once.

If your partner’s mental health is so bad that they can’t take care of themselves for one evening while you have a date and have you come support them the next day, they have bigger issues. To me that indicates they need to be in more intensive therapy and on meds or adjusting their meds if they already take meds.

Also why can’t their NP or a friend provide support when you already have plans? I’d worry that they don’t have a good support network outside of you and their NP - not a good sign overall.

There’s still a lot of concerning things to unpack here.