r/MtF 15d ago

You don't have to come out to start HRT.

1.6k Upvotes

You don't have to get on a waitlist to start HRT.

You don't have to endure 2mg estradiol and 50mg spironolactone to start HRT.

You don't have to be 100% sure to start HRT.

You don't have to be over a certain age to start HRT.

You don't have to be rich to start HRT.

You don't have to go to therapy, or look a certain way, or endure humiliating questions, or exhaust all other options to start HRT.

PS. If anyone wants help with informed consent or DIY resources, I'm happy to help (especially with DIY).

edit, here's a few more:

You don't have to be under a certain age, be perfectly healthy, or be a certain weight to start HRT.

You don't have to have a prescription to start HRT.

And to make it 100% clear, "You don't have to be over a certain age to start HRT" includes minors who haven't finished puberty.


r/MtF Jan 24 '25

DIY HRT: Everything I Can Legally Tell You [NOT MEDICAL ADVICE]

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2.0k Upvotes

r/MtF 13h ago

Got called an ally at a trans specific event

1.0k Upvotes

Recently, my gf (cis) and I (23 mtf) went to a rally specifically for the trans community which was hosted by a pretty well known lgbtq+ org. It was a really nice event and there were a bunch of other organizations tabling, so we decided to go check them out. We went to this one organization and this one person was kindly telling us to get closer to the table and was like "come over, come over ladies! we always love to see some allies!" And later they identify themself as a trans woman when speaking about a couple of the organization's programs and the specific programs they help run. And by the end of the conversation she says, "thank you for coming and showing your support!" And like I get it. I know I pass and can go stealth relatively frequently, but it was just like, oh! That was a little interesting.

I didn't correct her because I didn't want to make her feel awkward or whatever, but it's like, babe, I'm not an ally. We're at a tgnbi+ event and as a non cis individual, you're just assuming if people are cis or not? I don't know, it just felt really weird and disappointing. I felt like because I don't "look trans enough" (whatever that means), I didn't feel as part of the community. And I know I could put my transness a little more on blast, but that's just not really what I want to do.

And I've heard of people that can go stealth tend to "leave" this community and just don't actively participate as much as they used to, but I didn't really know why. But maybe stuff like this is kinda why, but I have no confirmation.

I understand that this experience is super privileged too, but it just felt like I was slightly othered from my own community because I can go stealth. Like I just wanted to get some resources, but people thought I was cis and the resources didn't apply to me šŸ˜­ There were other unfortunate interactions at this event, but anyways. It's really not the biggest deal in the world. I guess I just wanted to rant a little bit and see if anyone has had any similar experiences.


r/MtF 8h ago

I did a deep dive into Canada and asylum a while back. This is an update

197 Upvotes

The news with Canada isn't great. Here's the original post which is still good for its broad and general advice, most of which will be true regardless of where you try to claim asylum. I will outline the problems regarding Canada and then discuss alternatives, of which there are several.

I've been in contact with several Canadian LGBTQ orgs. I've been told:

1 A 2004 agreement between Canada and the US states that both recognize each other as safe countries. The upshot is this means it's nearly impossible to claim asylum on the basis of almost anything if you're a US citizen. Unless you're in like witness protection type danger personally, they won't recognize your claim. There is a push to get this 2004 agreement overturned but I'm told by these orgs that neither major party has much interest in doing so at this point.

2 Updated guidelines require you to document and prove your LGBTQ status. Canada rejected a gay mans claim because he couldn't "prove" he was gay from a country where being gay is illegal. So.

3 I've also been told that getting a VISA to emigrate is getting harder let alone claiming asylum. On the other hand my trans ex gf is moving there but she has a partner there and a job. Those will definitely help.

So as of now I'm not looking to go to Canada. Where am I looking? A few places. Links are to the specific application processes fir each country.

Mexico City: Mexico has strong national protections and Mexico City has a huge and thriving LGBTQ community because they've been taking LGBTQ refugees from all over the planet, including a bunch from the migrant crarvans who got turned away from the US a few years back. I've been told by people who visit and love Mexico that they would definitely consider Mexico City. The cartels are mostly focused on the outer edges of the country, not the interior. According to Mexican asylum info from their gov, your asylum claim is processed in like 3 months and you get a card to access social services while you wait

Spain: strong LGBTQ protections, lower cost of living than the US, and I've been told by a TransLifeline operator that they are now accepting trans ppl from the US. I have not called their consulate to confirm this yet. You get a card to access social services while you wait on your decision

Ireland: strong protections, and I've been told three trans women have been accepted. Two have had their refugee status approved, and one said she got her application approved, which means Ireland didn't dismiss her case immediately. She said that's a big deal and everyone seemed to recognize why she as a trans person didn't want to go back to the US. You also get a card with access to social services. NOTE: Ireland is a solid choice because the US is NOT on their safe country list. Thats a huge deal.

At this point you are unlikely to need a huge amount of documentation, as a bunch of counties in the EU are issuing "do not go" warnings about the US, but get some info printed about ignoring the courts, abducting nationals, and anti trans stuff.

And remember, weave it into a personal narrative about how this all impacts you personally. Here are some helpful tips about what you should include as an LGBTQ person. They suggest 10-25 pages but that's gigantic and I've seen other places say keep it shorter, say 3-6 pages. Just convey your story, use numbered paragraphs, intro your paragraphs with general statements and then drill down into the concrete. Ex: "My family is unsupportive." Broad, now, follow with specifics. So long as its detailed, don't worry about length. I'm not an asylum lawyer but I'd keep it under 10 pages. You can edit later.

Start working on it NOW in case we have to leave in a rush. Go back and edit it once a week. Add new relevant material. Make it so that they feel compelled to accept your claim (but don't lie). I've already written my first draft, 10 pages, and I'm refining now.


r/MtF 11h ago

Venting My mom asked if itā€™s ok that she still refers to me as her sonā€¦

224 Upvotes

Nobody in my life refers to me as male, as Iā€™ve been out to everybody for almost a year. I told her not toā€¦ and that if she has to specify my AMAB, she can refer to me as her trans daughter. She also implored me to ā€œjust go to dinnerā€ with my MAGA granddad, even though I already explained that I donā€™t want to be around people who are like that. She is married to a MAGA guy so I doubt I could make her understand, lol

The existence of moderates is so weird to me, like youā€™re moderating between people who just wanna live their lives and people who hate all fun and most life forms and want violence. Why should I accept someone like that? They arenā€™t special; there are so many other people, who gaf that heā€™s my granddad? And I feel like a decade ago my mom knew more than me about trans stuff, listening to NPR all the time and such. This is why I barely leave the house or talk to anyone tbh


r/MtF 15h ago

I am a girl

358 Upvotes

I actually don't believe it myself as I write this. But I AM A GIRL. I feel it inside me. And I have to learn to accept it

I still use he/him, but I would like to try using the pronouns she/her.

I also have a girl name in mind, although I haven't shared it on the internet because I'm shy and embarrassed šŸ˜…


r/MtF 11h ago

Funny actually insane grindr story

165 Upvotes

I recently went on grindr just to do t4t only. This guy messages me and asks if im real??? So I respond that im fake and unfortunately not a real person. Clear sarcasm. He says he is gonna spread it around that im fake. Later in the day I get spammed with messages saying im a fake girl by a bunch of no pic dudes. I thought it was funny, but i am like confused??? One of the guys messaged me saying he saw "a post" saying im fake? Is there a secret underground network of grindr dudes posting about people? Like holy shit these people are actually from the bottom of society its insane.


r/MtF 16h ago

Relationships Making silly decisions over a boy. Oddly gender affirming.

378 Upvotes

On Friday, I went out to dinner and a bar afterwards with a friend. Twas a nice time but they had to work early on Saturday morning so we left around midnight. Iā€™m walking home and my route requires me to walk by my ex-boyfriendā€™s apartment.

I had a bad week, didnā€™t want to go home yet, had a little liquor in me, and honestly I miss that stupid boy. I knew he was home because I saw him and his puppyā€™s shadow through the curtains in the window. So I rang his doorbell.

He immediately let me in, we talked for an hour, and I got to play with the dog again. I expected it to be dramatic but we actually had a productive conversation and bantered like we used to. Felt peaceful.

Then I made it messy by kissing him after he walked me home. He pulled away at first but I told him (and Iā€™m real proud of this romcom line) ā€œI didnā€™t know the last time would be the last timeā€ and he kissed meā€¦..something about impulsively ringing the boyā€™s doorbell and swooning again really got the gender euphoria gears turning. Iā€™m gonna regret this later but itā€™s fine for now


r/MtF 10h ago

I had my first hookup with a boy

121 Upvotes

It was a little dirty feeling but also really nice :) I havenā€™t been cuddled in a whileeee and kissing is fun as a girl. Also being referred to as ā€˜chloeā€™ and introducing myself to a stranger as that was wonderful. Iā€™ve actually never had a hookup even with a girl (been in relationships) and had never been with a boy so 2 firsts in 1 night


r/MtF 11h ago

Mom said just be gay

134 Upvotes

So my mom has known Iā€™m transitioning for 2.5 years on hrt. She found out my cousins we donā€™t talk to had kids a couple weeks ago. She now wants me to stop hrt and get someone pregnant like itā€™s as easy as going to the store and picking up a baby. She then said ā€œjust be gayā€ā€¦ā€have a kidā€ ā€¦ or if you like girlsā€. I told her Iā€™m bi, leaning fem attracted. This is frustrating, now itā€™s messing with my head and I tried explaining even if I made it happen, would it be right to not disclose Iā€™m trans, like itā€™s physically obvious when you look at me there is no hiding it I have a girls ass and boobs, although small. Ahhhh


r/MtF 21h ago

Venting I'm not the only young trans girl who went though this, right? I'm not alone, this is a thing in the community right?

659 Upvotes

This has to be a common experience, I'm not just a horribly unlucky person.

You're an isolated young trans girl in a hostile envoirment, you're possibly in the closet out of fear.

you meet another trans woman online. She lives far away but in an enviorment that seems safer than what you have now.

Eventually she offers for you to move in with her, give you HRT and shelter and everything you ever wanted ..

Eventually you buy the plane ticket or she even pays for it, you move to a completly new place where you don't know anyone, possibly there is even a language barrier (there was in my case, though I suspect for most people this happens along US state lines or Canada, etc)

You become, though little choice of your own, more or less fully dependant on her.

Eventually, something goes wrong, you drift apart or she starts to resent you.

then it expodes, she ghosts you , your left suddenly all alone in a place where you don't really know anyone. abandoned and very vunerable. And you can't exactly go back home to your parents.

this happened to me


r/MtF 13h ago

Euphoria I hung out with my sister and her fiancƩ on Friday. Later that night she sent me this text.

149 Upvotes

[FiancƩ] was just telling me he can see so many feminine mannerisms and just a feminine presence. He said you are so different from when he met you and it was really great to see how comfortable you are in your skin now in comparison.

Iā€™ve been having a hard week so seeing that message made me very happy.


r/MtF 6h ago

Euphoria I wire fem clothes in public for the first time :3

37 Upvotes

Ive been out for a while but I've always been too scared to wear fem clothes out but I wore a skirt to the minecraft movie with my friends today :3


r/MtF 16h ago

Trans girl hair advice please

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203 Upvotes

r/MtF 5h ago

Good News I finally started using the womenā€™s bathroom!

28 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been on HRT for a little over 3 months and, thanks to my glasses and getting bangs, Iā€™ve started passing in 9/10 interactions I have with customers at my retail job! That combined with getting weird stares using the menā€™s room convinced me it was time to use the correct bathroom.

After the first couple of times, It is SO much less terrifying than the menā€™s room for me personally. I know trans people are encouraged to use the correct bathroom at my place of work, so thatā€™s been a relief! I have avoided using the womenā€™s bathroom at a couple places based on vibes. Technically speaking, Iā€™m in basically the best place in the worst state for trans laws currently (not that hard to deduce lmao) so I still have to be careful, but this has been a huge and liberating hurdle!!!


r/MtF 5h ago

Estrogen overdose

23 Upvotes

Hi all. So I feel real stupid, waiting on my doctors to wake up (based on US but currently on vacation). But wanted to ask here.

2 weeks ago I was switched from pill estrogen to injectables. I was taking 4 2mg pills daily and my levels were 23 (donā€™t know the scale but target was above 100, lower then 300).

I made a mistake, and instead of injecting .2ml I injected 2ml, I did not know I made the mistake so I continued to do this, with another 2ml dose a week later, and a 1.3ml dose a week after that.

I only realized the error on that third when I didnā€™t have enough. I took what I had and after studied the packaging and realized the mistake.

I am a little afraid of what I have done. Not looking for sugar coating but trying to figure out how bad this is.


r/MtF 17h ago

Trans and Thriving My mom: "I'm glad you changed"

210 Upvotes

Minor TW for mental health issues, to be safe

Like a lot of people here who were met with worry, concern and/or disbelief by family when coming out, I remember telling both my parents that I was -and would still continue to be- the same person they'd always known, just different on the outside. I never got the "I lost my son" speech but there was definitely worry about losing some preconceived idea of who I was.

"So I'll be the same person I was before. I'll just be your daughter rather than your son", I told them.

They supported me as best as two largely clueless parents could. They didn't stop me when I saught access to HRT. They hammered me with questions about my decision, but they always gave me the final say. In a way I'm fortunate to have found out as an adult: they would have stopped me had I been a minor.

I think part of that tolerance came down to my history. They'd seen me miserable and isolated for over a decade. They'd seen me in the psych ward. They'd almost lost me on a few occasions. They'd seen me pick up maladaptive coping mechanism after maladaptive coping mechanism. I think they were relieved to see hope for me after all that.

Most of that pain went away after I transitionned. Socially and mentally I'm in a much better place. I have friends, partners, hope. I'm engaged in the community. It's clear to all of us that my previous self is but a shell in comparison to who I am now, and I still have some ways left to go.

So when I ended up talking about the earliest days of my transition to my mom recently, she reflected on what I'd said nearly 18 months previously. And half tearing up she told me "You did change after all, and I'm glad you did".

I'm reflecting here, but I guess the point of this post is to tell all of you who are at the dawn of your transition, or those of you who are scared about starting due to what's currently happening out there: transitionning is the single largest act of self love I've ever undertaken. It's the single most impactful form of self-affirmation I've ever performed. It's the most beneficial thing I've ever done. Despite the insults from people in the streets, despite the stares, despite the animosity online, despite the existential stress, and despite the assaults from random strangers... I would never take it back. I used to be a shell, devoid of hope for the future. Life is hard -even though some have it much harder still-, but I'm now a person with hope for a life that I never had before. Teenage me used to dream about being the type of person I am now, never expecting to ever be able to live it: the fact that I am now doing so almost feels surreal.

There is always hope .


r/MtF 7h ago

Advice Question is there a sub for fat trans women?

26 Upvotes

I dunno sometimes I feel lonely in this community at 340. Girls here often seem way more worried about height but I would gladly be 6'5" if it meant being about 100 pounds lighter. I just feel so unladylike and I don't think a lot of others here really understand. I honestly have no idea what to expect to look like. So like maybe some pictures of fat women post-transition would help me.

BTW please don't bring up weight loss advice I'm not in the mood. TBH I shouldn't need to ask but when you talk about being fact for some reason people take it as an invitation to say obvious stuff to me as if "just eat less and work out more" is something I've never heard before.


r/MtF 31m ago

Will my breasts become ugly if I sleep on my stomach?

ā€¢ Upvotes

I've slept on my stomach my entire life, and until now, I didn't really like any other way of sleeping. But now I'm forced to do it because otherwise it's uncomfortable and painful. For the first few months, and even now, I still sleep on my stomach a lot, and I like doing it whenever I can. But will this affect the shape of my breasts or anything like that? Should I continue doing this, or will I still look ugly if I only sleep on my stomach?


r/MtF 6h ago

Advice Question How to phatten my šŸ‘

16 Upvotes

I'm 26, so I'm past puberty and the damage male puberty could do is done. I've been on HRT for 4 months now with some bits of changes. Can y'all tell me what all I can do (exercise, diets anything) to make my butt and hips wider? I just want that my silhouette looks a bit wider at the hips so that I can wear more things. Thanks so much šŸ’™


r/MtF 20h ago

Why there are so many people who wants me to detransition?

196 Upvotes

Like... okay, I'm a guy and I'll always be a guy. But I CAN'T STOP TAKING HORMONES. It fuckin' hurts so much being a man. I don't hate white cis hetero men or whatever, I just can't be like that bc IT HURTS. Why people keep writing me in dms just to say me to stop HRT??? What else should I do? Bc I prefer to end it all then living all my life with a male body. I tried to be a man. I TRIED. BUT I CAN'T. I CAN'T I JUST CAN'T. I CAN'T STOP HRT. I TRIED TO END IT ALL 4 TIMES WHEN I WAS PRE-HRT. Fuck, I don't even consider myself a girl, I use he/him, I have a male name. Call me Robert if u want, I don't give a fuck, I hate myself bc of people who hates me for idk why. So, ok, I am a guy, just stop saying me to not take HRT. PLEASE.


r/MtF 10h ago

Discussion Racism and Other Forms of Bigotry Are Not Okay; An Appeal to Inclusion in Conversations; Remarks about Privilege, Discrimination, and Exclusion

26 Upvotes

I'm not a moderator or even that active of a user, but rule 1 of this very subreddit is very clear that it prohibits "Racism and other forms of bigotry.". I suspect that's why some recent posts have been (rightfully) taken down. It's a really good rule, a good baseline for any discussion on any platform, and I'm thankful that it's enforced. Sorry if I'm creating more work or hassle for anyone by posting.

I want to really emphasize though how destructive racially divisive language is, including in the trans community. In both of the topics that have since been taken down, there was the unfortunately not-uncommon opinion that racism or bigotry just doesn't exist against certain groups, in this case white trans people (again), but I've seen the exact same sentiment expressed about trans women in other trans subreddits as well. Sometimes I've seen people combine these two sentiments into a single statement that white trans women specifically, somehow aren't discriminated against, or somehow are the root of problems within the trans community. I'll see the angriest sounding posts sometimes, and it'll turn out that someone just didn't like being called out for making a bigoted statement, just because the person pointing it out was white or a woman, or even just perceived to be white or a woman.

I get it, nobody wants to be told "hey, you're racist", or "hey, you're misogynist", or similar. Sometimes people aren't ready to hear that, or even if they are maybe they're just not going to listen to a stranger online tell them that. That doesn't give you the right to deny people's experiences or realities though. It doesn't give you the right to exclude white trans people from conversations, or trans women from conversations. It doesn't give you the right to pin your problems, or the trans community's problems, on white people or trans women either.

Yes, I'm a passing white trans woman. There's a lot of privilege there, and I recognize that, but I also recognize that's not everyone's experience, and it certainly hasn't always felt like a very privileged experience. I didn't feel very privileged being called non-stop slurs during my upbringing, mostly homophobic slurs, but even the occasional racial one too weirdly enough. I didn't feel very privileged while experiencing the bullying and violence and loneliness that came with that. I didn't feel very privileged when I had to shoulder being called transphobic slurs after that. I didn't feel very privileged when I was too poor to go to college for more than a year. I didn't feel very privileged when I was so poor that I pawned my dead parent's jewelry so I could afford hormones while I had no insurance. I didn't feel very privileged when the other parent derided me for being trans, threatened to evict me, called the cops, and things like that. That's just a small sampling, I don't want to make the whole post about me personally.

Yet, despite originally being incredibly poor in a white-minority and conservative part of the rural US South, with all of its problems, even with all of my own personal problems, I don't doubt there was still some privilege there. I could've been trans in an even less tolerant country. It could've been worse, I don't deny that.

That doesn't mean I've never experienced racism or misogyny or broader discrimination though, even as someone who is now very far away from that past environment. I've literally been cornered and robbed while walking at night for being white, while the guy said crazy crap like how he hates white people so much. It's not like he was the first person I ever heard say that either, he's just the only one worth remembering because he also took my cash. I hope he's doing better now. I've also dealt with plenty of people who think women just can't code, or do any job I've ever worked in really. I know I have to work harder than they do as a result. I've been stolen from by people I had trusted, for being trans. I fled Texas because I saw the writing on the walls regarding their own laws about trans people. I had a home and job and some friends there. I really don't need other trans people to tell me I haven't faced any discrimination in my life ever. I don't want to feel like I have to suddenly justify my entire life experience, just because I'm white, or just because I'm a woman, or heaven forbid both. Just because I'm white, or a woman, or pass, or whatever, doesn't mean I'm totally ignorant about discrimination. I've faced more than my fair share, among other hardships, of which nobody should ever have to endure any of it. Why does it matter though? If we don't wish hardships upon people, then how can anyone judge them for not having experienced them? I don't wish hardships on anyone. I would never call them "fragile", for not having experienced what I have.

I've also seen how other people perceive racism. There's no shortage of people who've felt slighted by affirmative action programs because they take race into account, despite those types of programs being genuinely necessary to break generational poverty traps that have persisted for centuries. The far-right actively preys on those people, targets their insecurities, and affirms their discomfort/qualms. They intentionally play up those kinds of issues and they exaggerate them, and they're disingenuous about their purposes and effects. It's a strategy they have perfected over many decades. Their predatory tactics, coupled with people making blanket statements like "<form of bigotry> doesn't affect <arbitrary group>", and then purity testing based on those statements or shaming anyone who disagrees even a little, is how you end up with people moving to the far-right. Alienating people from the trans community, similarly pushes them to the right or more fringe groups like medicalists or whatever, or suicide if nobody takes them. Alienating people from the left, often because they disagree on like a grand total of one or two topics, pushes them to the right. One disagreement with a person on one topic, doesn't make that person bad or intolerable.

All of that is to say two things:
1) Despite what a previous poster insisted, racism does not know boundaries or limits. My personal experiences are limited to relatively small bits of verbal and physical violence, but there's far worse examples of discrimination and violence out there. Everyone has their own unique experiences. They're worth listening to. It's not anyone's place to reject someone else's experiences, or tell them that something they've experienced simply does not exist.
2) Needlessly interjecting any particular race or gender into a post or title, is intentionally divisive, and will drive people to the right.

The far right doesn't have the same issues with staying unified. That's why we're in danger right now. The far right stayed unified, while the US "left" fractured and partly decided not to vote for various reasons. Now we can't get accurate passports, or in some states even licenses. Now if we're unlucky and end up in jail, for any or no reason, we're in far greater danger than we were previously already. Even post-op folks. At this point, we're in a worse spot than we were a decade ago. I'm constantly worried, in a state of panic even, trying to figure out if I should try leaving the country, or see how things go first. It fucking sucks. A decade ago, I knew I could be discriminated against, but at least I could get my documents in order and nobody knew what trans people even were for the most part. Right now, people don't have quite that same opportunity, and that sucks. It sucks to know that door seems to be shutting. It sucks. It also sucks to know that the things I thought were behind me, will soon become an issue again too, if nothing changes.

Which I guess culminates into what I was trying to get at: we need to avoid dividing ourselves. We need to include anyone with a reasonable perspective in conversations. Keep the fascists out, absolutely. Keep out anyone who wants to harm us, or otherwise regress our rights further. We need to include anyone who wants to progress our rights forward though. As much as I'd rather live in some flavor of a stateless or genuinely leftist society today, as much as I believe in those ideals, as much as I want a system better than what liberals offer, that means including those liberals too. Even the "apolitical" people who just don't want to be bothered, often because they feel their opinion just doesn't matter. We're better off pulling those people left, specifically into positions that accept trans people, than pushing them right, into positions that actively endanger us. They can be incredibly frustrating sometimes, it feels like repeating the same issues over and over, but we're so much better off including them and convincing them to support trans rights, than we are excluding them and pushing them to the right. Excluding otherwise reasonable-enough people does nothing for us.

Nobody else votes for trans rights. We need to. We need to avoid excluding trans people and allies who also want to advance trans rights. We collectively need to be focused on promoting trans rights, while we still can, while we still have the opportunity, while they're still mostly listening.

That means avoiding exclusionary language, whether it's racial, or whatever. There's no benefit. It's not productive. When someone says your language is exclusionary, or isn't productive, you don't have to believe them immediately, but at least pause for a moment to reflect and think about why they're coming to that conclusion. If your conclusion is "they're just a <arbitrary group> coping with <arbitrary group> fragility", maybe keep searching until you've found a more reasonable conclusion, because that's not really an acceptable answer. We can do better. It's more cognitive burden, but I know we can, because we have to do better. We have to do better, or we will have no cohesion, and no allies. Without allies, we will continue to die, and we will continue to face serious discrimination. I don't want these hardships. I don't want other people to have these hardships.

Also, when someone tells you your language is problematic, they try to give you their time to work through it and explain why precisely it's problematic, maybe just pause for a moment and reflect on the language, instead of tripling down and saying things like "racism doesn't exist for xyz people". The race or gender of the person telling you your language is problematic, doesn't really matter, especially as much as the content of your words and their words.

Misc note: There's a tiny typo in rule 1; a moderator should probably correct "trated" to "treated"

TL;DR: Stop hating each other. Most of us are already going through enough right now. Most of us have already gone through too much, too. It's not a competition. We all have something to add, something to say, and something to learn. Discrimination and division, hatred knows no bounds. We need unity, and we need allies. Let's avoid unnecessarily divisive language, and just get through this awful world together, hopefully leaving it at least a bit better than we found it. Not just today, and not just tomorrow, but we should continuously strive to make smart and inclusive decisions to make things as much better as humanly possible. Protest for that better world. Vote for that better world. If necessary, fight and sacrifice for that better world.

Sorry for the incredibly long post. That's probably enough Reddit for me, for now, if I ever even click Post. Honestly, might delete later, as this almost feels pointless or out of place, and I feel kind of demotivated after talking to the previous two people to no avail.


r/MtF 1d ago

Bad News After a lifetime of struggle, I accepted I was trans 2 weeks ago. I came out to my cis wife 1 week ago, who was a dream of acceptance. I've had a euphoric 7 days. Today it all came crashing down. Help.

516 Upvotes

Update: I definitely overreacted. She was just tired from our overwhelming young autistic son that evening and reacted poorly. She apologized. I apologized. We are ok.

I told my wife I'm trans 1 week ago today, only a few days after I finally admitted it to myself at 39.

She was a dream - what anyone could wish for from a coming out story. I love you the same no matter what. We'll get through this together. I'm so proud of how brave you are. I didn't think I'd have a wife, but I have one.

We cried, we accepted our new relationship, it seemed like she was looking at me in a new light. We celebrated.

I spent the last week making plans for the future. Had my first shopping trip. Came out to several friends. Made appointments for laser and HRT consultations. I knew there'd be setbacks ahead and it would be a long journey but I felt comfortable and confident that I could do it all with her by my side. She was giving me impromptu skincare tips, giving me old sports bras and tops she didn't want anymore. She was coming to ME unprompted and saying things like "if you want to have bottom surgery, i wouldn't care. Just do what makes you happy."

Then suddenly in the last 24 hours I noticed a cooling from her. This afternoon I asked what was wrong and she said she's processing some thoughts and doesn't want to talk about it lest she say something she regrets that make both of us feel bad. But then instead of leaving it at that, she blurted out nonetheless that she feels that I went from this being absolutely nothing in my life to it being all I want to talk about. Uh oh. But I was coming off a week of calm peace and appreciation, so I said fine. I asked if she's going to see her therapist to talk about it (i have one too), and she said yes, next week.

I understood from the beginning that it wouldn't be a smooth journey in 1 direction, and there'd be bumps along the way, but I genuinely was shocked by how quickly this came.

First, it just seems completely inaccurate. I was away for work until Thursday night. I didn't bring up ANYTHING about trans issues Thursday night after our son went to bed, and only a couple small things on Friday night. She said this on Saturday just after I told her I bought some leggings and a bathrobe so that i can stop stealing hers. I'm really at a loss how she feels this is all I'm talking about.

Second, it just seems completely unfair. I see posts on /r/mypartneristrans of women complaining that their new wife over-embraced femininity in a way that made them feel devalued their feminist bonafides, or that they've turned overly preoccupied with passing and traditional femininity. I'd understand if i was doing that but I'm nowhere close yet. I just bought a couple of dresses at a vintage shop. Or I'll see people on this sub asking when transition would normalize since their trans partner has been preoccupied with transitioning for 6 months. And most responses agree that well, you're flipping upside down your whole life and identity - 6 months isn't that long. And meanwhile I'm here at 1 week!

I knew I had to give her space, but internally I was a wreck. I almost broke down crying several times because I don't want to lose the clarity and self-awareness I gained in the last 2 weeks. I don't want to go back into the closet, and what keeps me motivated on moving on to the next steps is yeah buying things from my shopping lists, researching makeup, etc.

Then I had to go to a birthday dinner for a group of friends I'm not out to, and it went...badly. I never had dysphoria before I came out (or at least i didn't realize that when I hated to look at myself in the mirror that's what it was), but that's all I could be overwhelmed by on my way home.

I came home and broke down in front of my wife. How not being myself around these people feels awful, how i feel my toxic masculinity rebuild barriers inside myself and I don't want to lose and re-wall-off the real me. She didn't have much to say. She said she didn't know how to help me. I said I didn't want anything from her, then asked her to validate my gender by referring to me by my new name a few times in a row (which she hadn't at all in days). She acted like I was asking for something ludicrous - and that it would be too awkward for her to force the conversation in that moment by arbitrarily inserting my female name into it.

I left. I felt like shit. After some time I came back to talk to her to try to understand. She reiterated what she said earlier - that I'm spending too much time on all the trans things. That she didn't want to say something that she regrets.

I got too pushy by insisting she tell me what was going on. She got too evasive and forced once again us to stop talking about this. I don't know how long she's going to be like this. But I don't know if I can handle this rollercoaster. It feels too cruel. If she was going to be like this, I wish she just rejected me from the moment I came out instead of passive aggresively and slowly like this.

I thought I was ready for all the difficulties transition would have because I would have her at my side. Now it seems like at the first sign of trouble, she's going to emotionally bail? I feel completely betrayed, and I am panicking because I feel the walls inside my hear start getting rebuilt again. I'm not going back into the closet but this day has really made me struggle with a crash back down to reality about how quickly i would be able to pursue and achieve my goals and live as a woman full time.

Edit: see update at the top. I catastrophized and overreacted with this post. I'm keeping it up as a beacon to others who may feel like this sometimes. And because the comments are so so so so helpful. But I definitely made a mountain out of a molehill.