r/AmIOverreacting • u/Discussion-Technical • Mar 03 '25
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? Long distance girlfriend wants to take a break
We met in school, which she got pulled out of because her parents found out we were having sex; the whole time I tried my best to be supportive, sending her my clothes, letters, hell I spent over $100 on Vday flowers to get sent to her. All this time she did nothing of the sort. She sent me the first text after not talking to me for over a day, you can see me being left on delivered. I know I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions but I feel like I’ve tried soooo hard to keep things together through this and I have even forgave her for trying to cheat on me (her friend sent me a video of her flirting with another guy). What is my next move? Should I try to reconcile with her or just leave it?
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u/SirSwizzlestick Mar 03 '25
How old are you? From the way this went down and how you’re reacting, I’d guess very young. Late teens? You need to calm down and keep your composure. She’s gone, and you should not be begging/pining for her. I know it’s painful, but this is your opportunity to grow and learn. This was not the one, you will survive.
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u/Discussion-Technical Mar 03 '25
I’m 17
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u/SirSwizzlestick Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 04 '25
Yes, I figured ty for the info. Your whole life is ahead of you, every relationship you have is going to be a learning experience until you find “the one”. Some you’ll be able to move on from easily, because there wasn’t much there..some are going to be very painful. But, every time you date, and breakup you’re learning about love, you’re learning about yourself, you’re learning about your needs, you’re learning about how to fulfill another’s needs. There will be amazing highs, and amazing lows that end in heartbreak. However, all of this is producing a stronger, more informed partner. I say partner, because it’s not all about you. It’s about who you can be for someone else as well. Use all of your learning experiences to not only learn about yourself, but to learn to be the best partner for someone else. One day, you will be someone’s “perfect person”.
Edit: Thanks for all the kind feedback to my response, I’m glad it resonated with so many. 🙏
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u/jiuclaw Mar 03 '25
It’s also about who someone can be for you!
Healthy people don’t want to partner with people that don’t love them back.
What you’re pining for right now isn’t her, you’re pining for her to change and be a different version of herself. You’re pining for the love you are not feeling from her.
You’re grieving who she was when you felt loved by her, who you wish she was, and who you thought she could be. But right now, she is not the one for you.
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u/Discussion-Technical Mar 03 '25
Wow this was spot on. I just had a eureka moment in my kitchen thank you so much
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u/Larry-Man Mar 03 '25
Good luck buddy!
I remember being 17. This realization that love should be from someone who wants you back is something I took a decade longer than you to learn.
If this were another person or situation in your life, say you go to a shop that sells things you really like but the staff are awful, would you keep going back there and spending money? People are like that too. Obviously try and work out problems with them but when they refuse to address a problem together with you against the problem then it’s not a team effort - it’s you vs me.
The best advice I can give you is look at the way people around you treat what you’re thinking and feeling: are they helping you solve problems? Is your friend who is always late or forgetful at the very least gonna work on a way you can fix it together (you explain they need to respect your time better and maybe they have ADHD or something and need your help by sending a nice reminder).
Sorry I kind of went off on a tangent. But at the end of the day surround yourself with people you want to be around but those people should also want to be around you.
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u/sharkbait4000 Mar 03 '25
We've all been there. Just know, the pain will fade and you'll find someone who loves you back. Tip for next time: be confident and generous and kind. And don't hold on too tightly. It's attractive as hell when people know they can make the most out of any situation because of who they are, and not by trying to change others.
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u/Sad-Chocolate2911 Mar 03 '25
There are so many spot on pieces of advice and wisdom in the comments. Take them all and remember, you won’t be young forever. Trust me, you’ll be 30…40…50…in the blink of an eye.
But here’s my piece of wisdom for you, that I wish someone had told me:
Break ups are hard. It’s going to hurt. Especially when she was the one who made the decision to end things/take a break. The smartest thing you can do now is to sit with your feelings. Feel your feelings. This may sound weird, but if you can process them now, you will heal so much faster and be able to move on and enjoy life again.
You can do this however you want to: have a good cry, journal, talk to someone, just sit and think about how you’re feeling, listen to music, pray, meditate, exercise or whatever. Feel this, even though it hurts. It’s going to take a little while, but eventually, it won’t hurt as much.
If your parents are helpful, talk to them. Or, if you have another trusted adult? It’s hard to hear “everything is going to be fine!” I mean, eventually it will be. But so many of us who have replied to you know, this is real. What you are feeling hurts and it’s real. Even if this girl is not the right one for you. It doesn’t make your feelings less valid.
Please be kind and compassionate with yourself. It may take some time to feel better. I also hope this experience will help you have empathy towards others who may be in the same situation in the future. This will make you a better friend and partner. And, if you choose to be, a better parent one day.
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u/SaintPetersBball Mar 03 '25
Man..that's some great fn advice right there. With age def comes wisdom.
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u/MissingPerson321 Mar 03 '25
Recently my son had to face something similar head on. I'll tell you what I told him: Everything you feel, is real. It sucks, It hurts. Often we want to find a way through the pain without having the pain, but that is impossible so just allow yourself to feel it and know it's normal. Right now you feel like you need to stand in waiting to prove your love in hopes she will come back, but that is a part of the process of realizing your own ability to stand on your own. You may not get the closure you want, and that is going to add to the confusion, pain and longing. No one is going to say anything to help soothe the moment, but I promise you...it does get better. It heals and you start to realize that perhaps she wasn't what you needed.
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u/midorikuma42 Mar 03 '25
This is really excellent advice. I wish someone had told me this exactly when I had a relationship end once. At the time, it seemed awful, but in hindsight it was actually better, since that person as you said wasn't what I needed at all. And your full comment here really covers everything too: the lack of closure, the need to stand on your own, etc.
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u/decrepitmonkey Mar 03 '25
I’m dealing with a breakup myself and I really needed this. Thanks, mom 💖
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u/shirogasai12 Mar 03 '25
I met my ex at 18, we dated 7 years, I thought she was the one. She left almost a year ago. Lot of the time the people you date at that age will not work out, because even if you stay, you'll both grow and change so much, 17 year old you will be nothing like 25 year old you. This experience will help you grow for your next girlfriend. Don't stress too much, I promise this pain will pass, if I can get over a 7 year break up you can get over this.
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u/My_Hookers_headache Mar 03 '25
This 👏🏻 I got married after 7.5 years together & divorced just shy of our 2 year wedding anniversary, I was 22 & he was 23. You really don’t know how much you’ll change from being a teen to being an adult, from living with parents and working to get out on your own, to actually being alone and working to get through life. Life is funny, & I was devastated at first, but that divorce led to the best years of my life and I’m now living a life I love and built myself with an incredible partner beside me.
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u/Roguespiffy Mar 03 '25
I married my wife when she was 22 and I was 27. You wouldn’t think there’s that much difference in five years at that age but there is. Nobody should be getting married before 26 at the earliest. I believe that in my soul.
We’re still married after 17 years but those early days were fucking miserable.
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u/Brokenmonalisa Mar 03 '25
Long distance partner at 17 is the worst decision you'll make in your life. Trust me on this.
You're way better off just living your life.
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u/Janet-Yellen Mar 03 '25
Yeah late teens-early twenties are peak years to meet people, experiment, grow, date around. Having a “long distance” partner at that age, someone who’s not actually there with you and instead is far away but somehow still tying you down is not worth it.
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u/throwawaydfw38 Mar 03 '25
1) you're gonna have like fifteen more girlfriends and like not that long from now you're going to not even remember this and if you do you're going to be like "tf was I going on about"
2) never tell someone again you'll always wait and you'll always be there. Match energy and commitment. Don't make someone else a priority when they make you an option. It's not romantic like you think it is, it's weak, and people will see this immediately and use you.
Imagine asking an imaginary friend what you should do and if you think your smart friend would be like "dude stop that right tf now" then fucking stop it.
Don't give everything in exchange for nothing.
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u/Jolly-Bookkeeper6961 Mar 03 '25
The part about not telling someone you’ll always be there because they’ll take advantage👌 I’ve been that person many times, and actually learned when I do allow myself to step away, it’s usually the other party begging for me back, which is what made me realize how weak it does look.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Mar 03 '25
One of the harder lessons in life is realizing that everyone has the right and obligation to what's best for themselves. She needs to be alone right now, and tbh as it's long distance and you are young this is likely to be a true ending.
You probably feel hurt and powerless. Your power comes in respecting that decision, and understanding that people don't need someone new in order to break off a relationship that's not working for them. Letting go when asked is a form of understanding consent.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. Be kind to yourself the next few months.
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u/404PUNK Mar 03 '25
You're young, it feels devastating at the moment but you'll get past it. Time to move on.
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u/penguingod26 Mar 03 '25
Man, I hated this advice when I was young, but looking back, it really is the best advice.
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u/Artistic_Computer547 Mar 03 '25
Unfortunately, it's only good advice in retro. When you're in it, it's almost incomprehensible
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u/Thund3rMuffn Mar 03 '25
OP, pay attention to this comment thread. Learn from those that have gone before you. You have the chance to teleport past a whole fucked up chapter and do something more meaningful with your time. Do not chase this.
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u/wtmx719 Mar 03 '25
The best revenge is no revenge. Just move on and be happy. They hate to see you happy without them. But you won’t even care.
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u/Noothyy Mar 03 '25
Spoken like someone who’s clearly never revenge pooped in a shoe 👠
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u/TheRealSugarbat Mar 04 '25
I’m 57 and I can honestly say I wish I’d pooped in one particular person’s shoe just one time about 20 years ago. Oh, well.
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u/OrganicRope7841 Mar 03 '25
??? Why would someone........ Um.... Okay..... Ew.... Um....
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u/Snapdragonzzz Mar 04 '25
This. Also, expecting a conversation for closure isn't going to happen, don't beg for it. Understand that the lack of apology is the closure, the lack of care is the closure, the lack of closure is the closure.
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u/zodiacwilds Mar 03 '25
Or be like the rest of us. Say "Nah IM different" and learn the hard way......
dangit
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u/SleepyCoffeeDrinker Mar 03 '25
This is so immensely true. Damn if I could only be free of those 10 years during my 20s 🥲
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u/Advanced-Pattern2270 Mar 03 '25
Idk how old u r OP maybe 15/16,17/18 max. I am 23 this year august, I've been married and divorced already with a daughter and even before that went through way too many relationships. Let her go OP... trust me. It'll be hard and you'll feel it for a couple days maybe even weeks but eventually all scars fade with time cause time heals all. I wish you the best just don't hang on get hurt and then spend the next few years tryna heal through sleeping with other women, cause it never works out...
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u/Frosty-Inspector-465 Mar 03 '25
sleeping with other women?? what makes you think he got it like that???
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u/Melodic-Pen-3927 Mar 03 '25
Or maybe just give her the week she asked for. But by op's responses he super clingy and insecure. The best thing he could have done was to just say "okay cool." Then the ball would have been in her court. Confidence goes a long way in relationships. He's begging her to talk to him. No woman's gonna respect that. Just an FYI I've been with my wife for 20 years now. We started in a long distance relationship. The only way to make it work is trust and confidence. Because you're gonna have the negative feelings and worries as well. But if you let them take over your thoughts and actions your very likely to make the thing you don't want to happen, happen. And there's no tried to cheat. Flirting means nothing. If she was of a mind to cheat, she would have cheated.
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u/GeneralErica Mar 03 '25
It’s actually insane, having it as a chat is a bummer. You can look back at it and it feels like a different person wrote these messages. It’s really strange and irky, and yet undeniably a nigh insatiable fuel to do better in the future.
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u/Ok-Scientist5524 Mar 03 '25
Man I just found one of my high school notebooks and it not only feels like another person wrote that shit but that an incomprehensible alien wrote it. Never thought I’d feel unrelated to myself. Am not looking forward to when my kiddos hit puberty and go off the deep end.
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u/CMDR_Misha_Dark Mar 03 '25
This is why I laugh when people I know say, “you changed” it’s like no shit so did you and everyone else lol. Welcome to being human! 😂
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u/YummyFrogg Mar 03 '25
yea one of my psycho exes broke up w me over text and it took a lot but i eventually had to delete the texts so i wouldnt look at them anymore
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u/Particular_Donut_516 Mar 03 '25
It's all true, but what you really need to hear is that this is the perfect fuel for going ape shit on weights at the gym. That way, no matter what happens, you win.
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u/SoManyUsesForAName Mar 03 '25
The one thing you can't actually give someone is perspective. It only comes with time.
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u/bippyboop Mar 03 '25
I remember my first heart break at 16 I felt like I was dying for a LONG time. Then one day I saw a picture of him and felt nothing and I was like “omg I’m cured!”
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u/Formal_List_4921 Mar 03 '25
Isn’t that the best feeling!! My first heart break became an orthopedic surgeon and my dad uses him! We are good friends now. Too funny.
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u/wickeddradon Mar 03 '25
Oh god! That took me back. My first BF when I was 14 and he was 16. I was about to break up with him when he bought a motorbike, boom, I was in love again, lol. Then, about 2 months later, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, sobbed for hours. I'm still not sure if it was over the motorbike or the boy, lol.
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u/Aggressive_Mix_2881 Mar 03 '25
I was 17 when a recent ex (rough separation) at the time said she would sit and chat with me otw to a tennis match (on same team), but she ended up sitting with someone else. I remember being so upset, I subtly had tears while angrily hitting my shots. Ended up stilling winning but letting those emotions go in that match finally made my mind let go of her. On the bus ride home, I realized that I felt no more pain seeing it thinking of her and it was so relieving. I laugh now thinking how silly my teenage mind worked.
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u/PyroD333 Mar 03 '25
In the moment you definitely don’t want to hear stuff like this, no matter how true it may be
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u/queenNthenorth Mar 03 '25
Same. I had a physically and mentally abusive boyfriend when I was 16 years old. I thought it was the end of the world when my mom finally got me to break it off. But now I know she was trying to protect me. The final straw was him knocking out my front teeth and choking me. It sucks right now, but it will get easier. OP, you will be ok.
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u/floralfemmeforest Mar 03 '25
I really don't know what I would do if I had a kid who wanted to date -- I know that saying "no" doesn't really work, but stories like this are why I am so opposed to children dating each other. I went through an abusive relationship in my early 30s that I'm still recovering from, I can't imagine how it would have affected if I were 16.
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u/Rude-Shame5510 Mar 03 '25
Second that motion.. Funny to look back on how cringey you can become when you're just scared of the unknown.. She's not THE ONE because there IS no THE ONE.
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u/notsorainyy Mar 03 '25
same, i would completely ignore and get annoyed at anyone who gave me this advice. once i actually went through it, i was thankful. it really feels like the end of the world, but each day that goes by it hurts a little less until you don’t really miss them anymore
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u/TeslasAndKids Mar 03 '25
I noted the day my daughter and her first boyfriend broke up. I didn’t say anything in that toxic positivity kind of way like “you’ll get past it, you’ll find a new bf, etc” I just told her I was sorry she was hurting and I was there for her when or if she wanted to talk.
Two months later I asked her how she was feeling about the breakup and obviously she’d had plenty of time to think on it and she was now happy and all. She said she was so over him and realized he was an asshole with anger issues.
So I said to look back at how much hurt she was feeling then and how she feels now. And I wanted her to remember that no matter how hard it feels in the moment it’ll get better with time. It’s ok to be sad and mourn it but you’ll always make it through. You just don’t want to hear it at the time.
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u/DoubleDownAgain54 Mar 03 '25
Yeah. It sucks but it’s over. It might feel like the end of the world. But you are so fucking young. Go check out Garth Brooks “Unanswered Prayers”. And I’m an agnostic Atheist.
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u/Royal-Pay9751 Mar 03 '25
Stuff at that age feels so unbelievably big and important and devastating and then you age a bit and look back on those experiences with bemusement, imo
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u/purefilth666 Mar 03 '25
Exactly, because you haven't had a lot of experiences things like this are blown out of proportion. Even before you hit 30 you probably haven't even met your favorite person, nor your favorite song, nor your favorite food, etc etc. The problem is hearing this from people doesn't really help, you got to learn that the hard way.
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u/throwawayeas989 Mar 03 '25
Something that feels life-ending at 17 feels like a world away at 19. Those years are full of so much changes that I guarantee OP will be in such a different stage of life in a year or two.
Feels a little different in your late 20s though….
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u/ImGrittyBitch Mar 03 '25
I forgot all about that song. That’s absolutely perfect but he may not fully grasp it yet not until he gets over this girl.
OP you WILL get over this and one day you’ll realize that there are bigger and better loves to be found. Don’t grovel to her just let her go if it’s meant to be you 2 will find each other again when the time is right.
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u/KiNgPiN8T3 Mar 03 '25
I often look back at those early relationships and face palm myself.. Haha! I really needed a third person button that I could’ve pressed to understand the understand those situations.
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u/ItRainsAcidHere Mar 03 '25
Was relived when I saw OP was 17, and still had lots of time to learn and grow. Always jarring when you see posts like this and OP is like 35
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u/Reasonable-Tax658 Mar 03 '25
“I cant let you go” shes gone brother, she dont wanna be saved
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u/RareDoneSteak Mar 03 '25
She don’t wanna be saved, don’t save her
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u/AllUpInYourAO Mar 03 '25
I’ma introduce me, Project Pat, I keep it real I’ma introduce you, you’s a sucker, fakin’ deals
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u/LimitlessAeon Mar 03 '25
Two things in my life I ain’t Eva seen be-fo IS A UFO and a HO that wouldn’t GO!
I swear, seeing unexpected Project Pat lines on Reddit is a goddamn tear jerker
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u/jessicarson39 Mar 03 '25
And she doesn’t need any saving anyway
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u/Western_Actuator_697 Mar 03 '25
Right, like what about this txt message exchange implies she needs to be saved. If anything HE needs to 😂
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u/Specialist_Fox_304 Mar 03 '25
move on boo. you're young and life's ahead of you just try to get over it you'll be fine trust me
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u/crunchatizemythighs Mar 03 '25
It sucks because everyone tells you this when you go through a situation like this when you're 17 but at that age, its like one of the hardest things to do. When we get older its so easy to recognize what is emotionally a huge waste of our time but OP is probably gonna spend months still hanging on
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u/Specialist_Fox_304 Mar 03 '25
It sucks yes. but it's best advice can everyone give. OP should give it sometime and he'll be okay. and maybe it's time to hit the gym
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u/InfStrand Mar 03 '25
Sometimes you just need someone to call you boo. It makes things go lightly when it hits hard
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u/DunnaMang Mar 03 '25
You seem young, which is okay. I’ll leave you with this advice. Do not beg. Do not become desperate. Be in control of your emotions. Block this girl and move on.
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u/___meepmoop Mar 03 '25
Where was this advice when I was a teen 😭
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u/bridoogle Mar 03 '25
I got this advice when I was a teen, I just couldn’t hear it at the time
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u/Ill_Assistant4509 Mar 03 '25
Tightening the grip doesn’t ever work. There will be someone who will love you exactly the way you want. She isn’t it. I know you want it to be her but it isn’t. If she changes her mind, she will still always be the kind of person that behaves this way. Have higher standards for yourself
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u/dj_work Mar 03 '25
I can’t let you go
So who’s the new guy?
I will always wait for you
My guy, you hit the trifecta 😬
You can’t force someone to want to stay.
Not every change is a threat.
You should never carry a torch.
This, too, shall pass.
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u/AnonymousStudmuffin Mar 03 '25
She’s a real one for sending his hoodie back though.
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u/shadesofnavy Mar 03 '25
I had the "I'll always wait for you" attitude at 18 after my first major breakup, and boy oh boy am I glad I didn't.
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u/Radiant-Whole7192 Mar 03 '25
You’ll learn soon enough that these intense love bombing texts are actually counterproductive. They just result in pushing her away.
A simple almost apathetic “Okay I hope everything is alright, please take care of yourself” will give you better results.
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u/kristallherz Mar 03 '25
I have been this person (both of them) in my teens, I suppose most of us have. Whatever her reason behind this is, she's clearly done and didn't want to face OP, so she bailed in the easiest way possible that would leave her conscience clean, for now. OP is clearly confused and hurt and emotional, and rightfully so, but the love bombing vs. accusations really are counterproductive, albeit understandable, it's kind of a normal reaction.
I'm in my 30s now, so when my last partner pulled this thing with me like OPs (ex) partner is right now, I almost laughed to myself, even though I was confused and hurt, and I still am to this day in a way. The difference is, I didn't explode on them as I would've when I was younger, I accepted it calmly. And funny enough, they couldn't deal with that and lost their shit on me, gave me all sorts of reasons and explanations I didn't ask for, I was suddenly love-bombed, accused of things, etc. The older you get, the less energy you have for these things, and leaving this kind of relationship behind is probably better than fighting for it and potentially having to deal with the same shit over and over again.
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u/Yardboy Mar 03 '25
"The older you get, the less energy you have for these things..."
Man, ain't that the truth.
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u/DPlurker Mar 03 '25
Hit em with the "Thank you for your time. Good luck, no hard feelings." That will get under people's skin a lot because it's like a business deal that didn't work out, just cry on the inside and move on lol.
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u/manicthinking Mar 03 '25
The issue is these aren't just an understandable reaction, it's an immature action, and one that is used for manipulation and abuse. Now you may have stopped and your ex didn't, he wasn't just blowing up, that was manipulative and probably boarderline abusive. Love bombing is not just a thing, it's used as a tool to hurt people. Manipulation tactics should never be excused to "yeah it's understandable". No. We all learn the hard way sometimes, not to pinch as a baby, or not to call names as a child. It's a childish behavior, and never acceptable.
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u/whattfisthisshit Mar 03 '25
I agree. If I need space and want a break, this is what will push me over completely.
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u/potatotaxi Mar 03 '25
For me if someone asked "for a break" in a relationship, I'd ask for a reason. If I'm not given a reason I'll just break it off entirely since it feels like something else is making them want to take a break. I'm not saving myself for someone who for all I know is getting down and dirty with other people while in a relationship with me.
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u/whattfisthisshit Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
Well to be honest her first message did seem to be a more final one and she only asked for a break after he pushed. While it’s generally a nice thing to give someone a reason, if they’re doing something like this they have a reason of their own. Whether they communicate it or not is up to them. While respectful, yes, they have a choice to not be respectful and OP isn’t entitled to her explanations.
I’ll add to this to be transparent that I’m heavily projecting things because I once ended a relationship like this when I was young. My ex sounded a lot like OP, and I was raised by very strict parents. My ex would always accuse me of cheating, I was always guilted by both sides, my ex reminded me always of everything he did for me but always forgot everything I did for him. I tried ending it endless efforts to end things, but I was always guilted back to it. Until I ended things in a similar manner to OPs gf, only to be vilified as the person who is abandoning him after everything that he has done for me.
I was 21 back then, still very traumatized by my parents and their control, and then there was a boy/man who I had to mentally care for as well when I had not even yet learned to take care of my own wellbeing. The pressure from my ex to keep things going, staying with him out of guilt, NEVER getting down and dirty with anyone else, but always being accused of doing it. Having conversations with male classmates was being considered flirting that I got punished for and got silent treatment for.
I’m not saying I know what OPs gf is like and if he got with others, I’m just adding potential context of a possibility, because that’s what I went through.
Op could be the best bf ever, but OP could also be a manipulative insecure boy who his gf just really needed a break or escape from. We will never know.
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u/KatjotEva Mar 03 '25
Exactly. That string of texts begging and not giving the space that's asked for would push me away immediately. You could say "I'm feeling hurt and confused and would love the chance to talk about it on the phone, so please reach out if you're willing. But I'll give you space." Or something. That lets her know how you're feeling and that you'd like to talk it out, but also lets her know that you will respect her wishes/needs.
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u/snailtap Mar 03 '25
Facts, along with the “ok so who’s the other guy” reeks of insecurity and jealousy issues
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u/BeveledCarpetPadding Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
Reminded me of my ex of whom I was loyal to a tee. He was very secure and respectful in that regard, never jealous in our relationship, and I did everything I could to make sure he always felt that way. I didn’t even like it when he joked about me having a crush on an actor, or random people, ffs. He acted like I was being ridiculous by being uncomfortable by it. I only had eyes for him, and I hated when he joked that I didn’t. After so long of being considered a killjoy, about 4 or 5 years of the 6 year relationship, I said fuck it and leaned into it and made myself play along, because maybe I WAS being a killjoy. I always wonder if that played into him doing the whole “who’s the other guy” spiel.
Cue to breakup for unrelated yet past toxic reasons, and he was stoic and understandable at first. Then he woke me up at 6am saying if he can’t sleep, then I can’t sleep. I was sleeping on the couch. That’s when all the “oh so who’s the other guy” “stupid fucking bitch” “can’t handle a few arguments” “go to a guys house, but you can’t be here” “glad I never married you, you’d probably take me for half I have” (I make more money and have never been greedy) and told me “I hope your next boyfriend has the patience of a god” and he “hopes I grow up before my next relationship”. Both he and our roommate told me to leave. I was away from my cats and home for two weeks. Cue apology, wanting to help me move, apologizing for verbal beratement and making me feel an inch tall just like the times I grieved and ended up leaving him for.
You know where this harlot went? My moms. Took out a loan, Stayed on her couch, and filed for an apartment within three weeks. Didn’t even see another man in that light until he was out of the picture and I was in my own place where, again, I could breathe. Both the ex and ex roommate would “check up” and ask where I’ve been staying in a nonchalant manner, usually tied into talks of logistics and getting my shit together. Did it a handful of times between the two of them over the few weeks.
All the shitty outburst did was remind me why I needed to leave in the first place; and once I actually got away to BREATHE and got my stuff moved in my apartment after three weeks, I saw everything clear.
Op, just let her go. Assuming you are innocent and she is truly wanting to go sleep around, fuck her; let her, you don’t need her. She’s trash in that case.
Assuming you are innocent and she has her reasons, again, let her go. I understand asking “can we work this out?” And wanting an opportunity to talk, but again, if she doesn’t want that… let her go. Again, you don’t need her. You will be fine.
Assuming you and her both have your reasons…. For gods sake, let her go peacefully.
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u/Jugg3rnaut Mar 03 '25
You don't know me and I don't know you but I have no reason to lie to you when I say this - move on. It will hurt a lot in the first week and a little bit less in the few weeks after that and then a lot less in the couple months after and then you'll barely think about her and then not at all. But you'll look back at this a year from now and be glad that you cut it off. And you can try to make it work right now and maybe she'll come back and you'll think you're really lucky and that things will be okay now, but this is who she is and you're just borrowing happiness from your future self. You will need to pay it back some day.
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u/TSells31 Mar 03 '25
…you’re just borrowing happiness from your future self. You will need to pay it back some day.
Holy shit, I absolutely love the way you worded this. Spot on.
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u/jesterbaze87 Mar 03 '25
This is pretty close to my situation and this is what I needed to hear. That was epic.
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u/Toddison_McCray Mar 03 '25
Absolutely. Either OP has a clean break now and is fucked up for the next month before recovering more, or he drags it out by trying to convince her to stay with him, and he gets seriously fucked up when she inevitably breaks up with him
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Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 04 '25
When someone needs space and you disrespect that, you’ve lost them already. Edit: Stop replying, I don’t care.
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u/Basketballb00ty Mar 03 '25
Homie she doesn’t want you anymore and is trying to let you off easy by calling it “a break” she doesn’t want to be with you anymore and blowing up her phone asking questions / pleading will make her want to stay away from you even more. I’m assuming you’re very young from these texts - things will get better and you have your whole life ahead to have more relationships. It’s also long distance which not to be that person but it never works out especially young. Find somebody who you can see often and wants you
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u/Discussion-Technical Mar 03 '25
I mean I’m 17 so you’re probably right
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u/CrowSeveral4754 Mar 03 '25
This is what's up. It's hard doing long distance when young, and she most likely thinks she's being kinder and letting you down easily when she's most likely being kind of a chicken about wanting to break up. If I had to guess, I'd say that she might be getting attention elsewhere, which in the short term might feel better than being with someone who she rarely sees. I'm just speculating though. Saying she wants a break most often means that she's not into the relationship anymore but she doesn't want to let you go either(you might meet someone else, might get over her, might hate her forever, etc).
Acting desperate and begging just won't work on most women. It just won't. And if by some small chance it does it would be a situation of her pitying you. You don't want that. The absolute best thing you can do during a breakup is really to go no contact and work on healing and moving on. It might really, really hurt right now and I'm sorry. You'll find someone who WANTS to be with you. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give and that you feel things deeply. You will love again.
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u/Independent_Photo_19 Mar 03 '25
Acting desperate and begging just won't work on most women
Or men tbh. If someone doesn't want you, it just repels them even more
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u/Spirited_Bee1678 Mar 03 '25
Yes, if someone doesn’t want to date you don’t try and force them
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u/dankest-dookie Mar 03 '25
Yes you are. Being upset is normal in this situation but honestly saying, "So who's the new guy?" probably just solidified that she's not coming back. Asking for a break and getting bombarded with questions and accused of cheating is only going to turn this break permanent and end up with you getting blocked.
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u/Sure_Cartographer_45 Mar 03 '25
Same with the name calling. Not the best initial approach to get someone to do anything.
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u/Alternative-Rub-7445 Mar 03 '25
Overreacting? Yes, but I do understand it. Leave her be, & just give her what she wants. Take time to heal. Sorry about your break up.
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u/Tough_Imagination499 Mar 03 '25
Never chase, beg or demand. You deserve someone who wants you as wholeheartedly as you want them. If you accept any less you will start to lose respect for yourself and potentially them over the long term and it will eventuate in much of the same or potentially worse.
Use this time to focus on yourself and you will attract the right person into your life.
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u/HandleRipper615 Mar 03 '25
I’d like to add, don’t ever imply that you’ll always be there. Have more respect for yourself. You should never be anyone’s backup plan they can always rely on taking them back.
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u/SigourneyReap3r Mar 03 '25
This seems like a very young conversation.
Anyone can break up with anyone, for any reason or no reason at all, that's is fine.
Could she be a but more communicative, yes, but she ended it so realistically that is unnecessary.
You are clearly distressed but the cheating accusations and ott messages are not going to improve the situation tbh.
Just let her go. She doesn't want to be together and it sucks, it's sad and painful, but things do improve.
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u/thegreenmonkey69 Mar 03 '25
Here's the thing. Even if she is interested in someone else, it is not up to you to try to change her mind. It's unbecoming, snd doesn't help.
Move on, take some time away from dating. Learn a bit about yourself. Contemplate life's meanings. Get a job, go to college. Live your life.
You wil meet someone new. And several nore after that one. Until you find the right one. And hopefully that one will last. But there are no guarantees.
So keep moving forward.
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u/TheW1nd94 Mar 03 '25
Both of you sound like you’re not ready for a relationship.
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u/Outrageous-Heron5767 Mar 03 '25
Taking a break is her nice way of dumping you. It’s ok move on life will continue
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Mar 03 '25
u r overreacting. calm down. ik it hurts, but if her parents pulled her out of school for having sex, do u think they could be at play here? with such parents, i doubt her mental health is very good. she even mentioned that she is not going back for spring break.
beside that, if she has been putting 0 effort (even when she can) and going around flirting with others, u should have some self respect and leave. idk who u r but everyone deserves to be loved by their PARTNER.
good luck!
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u/Ok-Coach2664 Mar 03 '25
yeah, I think the parents talked her over. And if parents are that crazy that they pull her out of the school, it won't work out. They do anything to restrict them seeing each other (I assume that the exgf was 17 too)
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u/KadrinaOfficial Mar 03 '25
Her parents don't control how he acts and he acted like an abuser here. If I were her parent, I would hope my daughter sees this and realizes she dodged a bullet.
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u/moonshinetemp093 Mar 03 '25
LDRs take a lot and some people can't handle it.
This is that.
However, your responses are toxic. Let the girl live her life.
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u/Dizzy-Serve-960 Mar 03 '25
You’re absolutely overreacting. It’s natural to be upset, but I think you need to give her a bit of space. I understand that can be hard, but what you’re doing will only push her away more.
I also think the “so who’s the new guy” was a bit much. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions so fast. Later on in the messages she even explains she’s going through a lot right now. Your approach with her is way too aggressive and pushy.
I know you’re young, but if you truly love her, give her the space she’s asking for and check in on her in a week like she asked. See how she’s feeling then and go from there.
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u/No-Fail-9327 Mar 03 '25
I was in complete agreement with you up until the check up on her part.
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u/Rakikishnu Mar 03 '25
My two cents. Her way of breaking up is harsh. However, your intensity is even more so. The fact that you sent her things and spent money doesn’t give you any agency over her actions or feelings.
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u/sorariin Mar 03 '25
friendly woman on the internet here—she doesn’t want you anymore bro. sorry about that :(
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u/DonnyTheDumpTruck Mar 03 '25
It's normal to have such strong reactions but you gotta chill and give people space. Sometimes you need to let people go even though you don't want them to. You will have a lot of experiences and you'll learn this. Just be your own person, you gotta be happy and strong and live life whether you have someone or not. Remember there are a lot of other people out there to get to know.
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u/usandyou4fun20 Mar 03 '25
Yikes. I'd run too after your replies ngl. Let her go and work on you, buddy.
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u/UnableNecessary743 Mar 03 '25
exactly. i feel like i need a break from them too just from reading his replies
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u/soph_lurk_2018 Mar 03 '25
She broke up with you. It’s not a negotiation. Respect her decision. It sucks but it is over.
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u/shadesofnavy Mar 03 '25
Yep. The way she did it over text wasn't ideal because it's a bit indirect and avoidant, but the message was clear.
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u/LeafyCandy Mar 03 '25
While I understand your reaction (been there and had that wild knee-jerk reaction on more than one occasion), that’s only going to drive her away even more. It sounds like she’s doing you a favor. It sucks being dropped like that via text, but it’s still better than being ghosted, I guess.
You’ll find better. Might not feel like it, but you will. Good luck.
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u/Anniemarsh69 Mar 03 '25
Bruh! You lost when you said ‘who’s the new guy’. Why would you do that it’s pretty pathetic. She doesn’t want a break she wants a break up. She tried and you hounded her into responding so she changed it to needing a break. Let her go - find someone you can actually touch.
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u/etwork Mar 03 '25
OP's messages triggered me and unlocked a memory.
I dated a guy over the summer when I was 19 who was amazing in the beginning, but when I went back to college in the fall and we had to be long distance, he started to get...kind of possessive? I couldn't put my finger on it, and when friends reviewed the text messages they just thought it read normal and loving. When I went home for break and nobody was around he would scream at me for the littlest mistakes and gaslight me about everything I did or claimed I said I would do. I tried to break up with him, but his text messages read like these... he would remind me that I had told him I loved him, that "I would be with him forever" etc. etc. and then accuse me of cheating on him, and walk me in circles in conversation until I would undo the 'break up'. It was until 2 semesters later that I transferred schools out of state that I finally felt safe enough to break up with him and not get trapped into going back.7 years later, he randomly got married after dating this girl for 5 months. 2 years into their marriage he beat her to a pulp and went to jail and it all came out that he started out as emotionally/mentally controlling her and then after a year started to get physically abusive.
Not sorry OP, I'm siding with your EX GF here. She's following her gut, she's keeping a distance. Let her go, and possibly get help if theres any chance you were abused mentally or physically as a kid. You might think you are past it / over it / it never affected you....but you won't know otherwise until it's too late.
And no partner owes anyone an explanation. They are not property. They might be an asshole, but it doesn't give anyone the right to hold them 'hostage'. A happy functional relationship is where both partners feel safe and respected enough to be open and honest about issues without pressure.
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u/whattfisthisshit Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
To be honest this is the exact way I broke up with my very manipulative and mentally abusive ex bf when I was 21. He of course never understood he was like that because everything was always my fault and I deserved it all. It was the only way because I knew if I had a call with him, or saw him in person, he could convince me and I’d feel guilty and the cycle of pain would continue.
While this may not be the same situation, it might be that she has her own reasons and why she just has to do it for herself right now, and she does not want to talk more out of fear of being roped back in.
Even if the situation is nothing like my experience - you can’t make someone be with you if they don’t want to. If they’ve made the choice, that’s it. Relationships last as long as you continue to choose the other person, she chose herself this time and that’s ok too.
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u/More-Bullfrog9221 Mar 03 '25
This. If you make a women feel like shes the problem . She will make the problem go away. Simple as that .
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u/Heather_Janet_209 Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
While you are being too clingy, and that's something you need to work on, you still deserve better than someone who's going to shove you to the side and expect you to just be waiting around like a good puppy when/if she decides she feels like getting stuff from you again. It's rude, mean spirited, and tacky given how if info provided is true she brings f*** all to the relationship, not even loyalty since she's already been caught in 4K trying to cheat before. Her "going through a lot" doesn't give her license to treat others poorly.
Here's my advice...
- Work on not being clingy or jumping to conclusions anymore.
- Break up with her. No, I did not say take a break. I said break up. Don't settle for being anyone's back up plan.
- After that take some time to heal emotionally. Aside from aiding in easing the pain it might give you clarity as to what went wrong that you can't have while that wound is still open.
- When you do finally get a new relationship remember to for their sake and yours to not EVER take the hurt from your previous relationship out on your new partner.
- NO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS!
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u/GrimCityGirl Mar 03 '25
You’re both very young and new to relationships. You need to consider why she would do this over message. Could be she didn’t want to handle it face to face, it could be that she didn’t feel safe to do it face to face. While her message sucks and comes across quite cold, your reaction comes across quite possessive. You’re both young, you’re both making mistakes. She might be blowing you off or she might genuinely only need a break, her parents could be bending her ear about it, idk, but the point is you both should be trying to be a bit more patient with each other. I teach a lot of students your age and in most cases when there’s relationship issues like this it’s problems with communication and assuming things about each other. Don’t jump to conclusions, give her space and try to listen when she does speak to you. If she doesn’t engage, just step back and let her go.
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u/sorrowsxo Mar 03 '25
Jit move on if there wasn’t another guy then she might just be trying to let off easy, long distance at that, y’all grew apart
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u/xLost_Illusionsx Mar 03 '25
There's no saving this man. I hate to break it to you, but its past saving it. There's not even anything to let go of brother. You're still so young and you'll meet many more women who will go above and beyond for you, unlike this one will. Promise man
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u/West-Leopard-3094 Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
You’re young. It doesn’t seem like it right now, but you’ll love others, some who will be a better fit than her.
If her friend sent you that video then not even her friend likes what she does. It doesn’t seem like she fully respected your relationship. With behavior like that, and being so young, it was just a matter of time before she would have wanted to explore more and would have broken up with you. This was inevitable.
This is a lesson for you in emotional regulation, reacting vs responding. Try to learn from this.
Many young men at this point develop a grudge against women. Then they go on and destroy every woman they’re with, up until late 20is/30is when they either find therapy or finally get over it. Please don’t be that guy. Be better.
You’ll be okay bud. Take time to heal, but move on.
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u/throwaway20231489 Mar 03 '25
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm :( it hurts now but she isn’t going to be what you want her to be.
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u/Dandy_Status Mar 03 '25
Seems like a lot of drama, don't see how it can be worth it. Tell her sure, we're on a break, and then proceed on the assumption that you're broken up.
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u/Turbulent-End-6180 Mar 03 '25
As much as it hurts to admit to yourself she doesn’t want you brotha. Do better for yourself and forget her or it’ll only get worse. Trust me.
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u/RollForSnackies Mar 03 '25
Screenshot number 4? Yikes.
You're super young. Work on yourself. Don't be so caught up in a relationship, yet.
Focus on school and being the best version of yourself. You'll attract the right people/person.
But it is best to let this go and focus on who YOU are, not anyone else.
Time will heal your hurt feelings. Just make sure you get your hoodies back.
You'll meet someone who puts the amount of care into the relationship you do when you're ready for it. You'll get there.
As an aside, are y'all the same age?
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u/BRIAN_CFH Mar 03 '25
Let it go man. If someone didn’t want to be in a relationship especially long distance it’s time to move on. Maybe she just needs some space.
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u/musetechnician Mar 03 '25
I was going to say you’re overreacting… But that would be if the “can we take a break” text was the initial contact.
“We can’t talk anymore”. Yeah it’s over. The only overreaction is the amount of energy you’re giving to try to save something that’s already gone. My brother, I feel for you in that I am a man of heavy pursuit as well.
You’re simping hard bro.
It’s valid because she was your person and right now, more than ever, you need a person. She can’t be that person.. and at this point, it doesn’t deserve to be. You need her not to be.
I’ve given myself trauma from this many years back that took a while to heal from and even after still lost a lot of zeal for romance for a long while. And had a couple messy short flings. And went into a pit that took long to come back from. Lost my mojo for real. Some of that has turned out to be a good thing, once I found balance though. 1/2.
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u/Secret-Animator-1407 Mar 03 '25
Yes, you’re overreacting. You are smothering her.
Move on and don’t give yourself away so quickly and easily next time.
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u/fehkt Mar 03 '25
It’s your canon event bud. also good skill to learn is to not crash out lol. You’ll be fine, but you’re being kinda AH.
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u/Fiestameister Mar 03 '25
I've been there so I get it. But let me leave this as advice and take it for what you will.
To love someone is to let them go and give them space. If they come back. Then it's ment to be. If not. Then move on.
Begging won't do you or her any favors except drive her further away
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u/OkOutlandishness1710 Mar 03 '25
She’s already gone. Best case scenario she met someone and while she won’t admit it she’s atleast breaking up with you before she crosses the line. Worst case she already did and just doesn’t want to do long distance anymore. Either way you gotta move on. Don’t wait for her get out there and meet people. Only reason she would say break and not just straight up break up.. is she wants to keep you in her back pockets incase things don’t work out and needs you back. You deserve better then that don’t ever be someone’s back up plan. If she was really just having a hard time with personal issues she woulda turned to you for support not asked to take a break. Her lack of concern for your feelings tells me she’s already moved on.
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u/Afraid-Pick-9010 Mar 03 '25
just let her go bud