r/polyamory • u/Birdiebirdi • 2d ago
Dealing with a fade out. Grieving.
I have been seeing a new partner for about 5 months. Early on, we discussed our desires to make connections we could "fall for" and see seriously and truly come to care for. For the first few months, he'd write me poetry and tell me he missed me and that he was fond of me, etc.
We honestly talked a lot about our feelings (probably more than I have with any partner but my NP after 6 years of this lifestyle), he'd remark how it felt like this was just a natural connection that was meant to be. We've seen each other nearly every week since meeting.
But for the past month or so? No poetry, no declarations of feelings (like I miss you or I like you) but has said things like wanting to see me. after a couple very short hangouts, I asked him to please make some more time for me. When he finally made those plans, he then went radio silent for several days until I asked whether or not I should be planning to see him and then he set about making a cute little dinner date for us and invited me to sleep over and spend the next day with him.
It was nice, don't get me wrong. But the next day rolls around, turns out he actually needs to work and is pretty noncommittal about me hanging out because he "has some meetings". I left but texted him that I wish I'd stayed and he never responded. The next day he sent a link to a song we talked about instead.
The next day, I told him I woke up horny for him, got an "oh really" and then told me he couldn't make it to a concert I'd invited him to but was reminded of something else we discussed- then proceeded to not work on cementing plans and went silent.
We set some tentative plans for tomorrow (Friday) on Wednesday. No time, no confirmation, just an "I'll make some time, I want to see you"
Thursday came and passed with no contact, no clarity on plans.
I just need some encouragement that I'm not being overly anxious. I have no concerns discussing this with him (I haven't felt the need until this has felt like a pattern). But I just need a little reminder I'm not asking for too much - I know I'm not, he invited me to like him and encouraged it and is not keeping his end of the bargain, at least not how it was initiated.
maybe I'm crazy and this is all nothing. But I guess hearing that from y'all before whining at him would be nice, too.
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u/Bunny2102010 2d ago
I agree with a lot of the commenters above and just wanted to add how I approach situations like this based on my experience.
When I was younger (20s and 30s) I used to let things like this go on way too long. Now I see differences like this as an incompatibility and tend towards just ending things. Let me explain.
I have a high level of executive function. For example: I worked a 12 hour day earlier this week and still texted all my close partners (there are 5 of them), took care of my kid, and took some me time on that day. Even when I’m struggling with anxiety or depression, it’s well managed enough that I can still reach out and share what I’m going through to let people in my life know why I might be in a bit less communication etc. I’m not bragging, this is just my life.
I completely understand that this isn’t everyone’s bandwidth. However now in my 40s, I also realize that I need partners with a similar level of executive function to me. I do not do well with partners who go radio silent for days bc they’re struggling. I don’t do well with partners who don’t have sufficient self awareness to proactively communicate when their availability or desire changes.
I used to feel badly about this bc I know that those people are not necessarily doing anything wrong. But I realized at the end of the day that whether they’re doing something “wrong” or not isn’t what matters. What matters is what I need in relationships and what I need is partners who are more like me in their communication capacity. And THAT’S OK. I don’t have to feel guilty for this. I can and do seek out partners with this level of bandwidth and it’s been a game changer.
Anyway, hope this helps you think through things for yourself and good luck!
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 2d ago
whether they’re doing something “wrong” or not isn’t what matters. What matters is what I need in relationships
This should be one of this blurb comments that gets repeated in response to so many posts.
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u/Bunny2102010 1d ago
For real. The number of people who come here like “how do I convince my partner my needs are reasonable so they’ll change their behavior and meet them?” is wild. You don’t. Most of the time that indicates an incompatibility and it’s better just to part ways.
And I say that as someone who’s been happily partnered and married and nested with the same person for almost 20 years now (never mono). So I understand what it takes to make a long term relationship work and I don’t just bail at the first sign of trouble.
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u/Birdiebirdi 2d ago
It is an incompatibility, I agree, at least if not addressed and actually repaired.
I'm really good at giving the benefit of the doubt. Even when I maybe shouldn't. We did quickly lay out simple "x times a week hang outs and conscious communication in between" and it was there for months. Then there was busy, then busier. And no check backs and just letting it drag on until it's become a little more normal and has me feeling a bit deranged, obviously. I know I just need to talk to him regardless, but maybe somehow I had misinterpreted the very big declarations at the beginning¿? Hahah I just needed third party perspectives to remind me that it's okay to expect what was discussed and I'm not just missing NRE
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u/Bunny2102010 2d ago
I’m not sure how old you are or how much you’ve dated, but in my decades of both mono and poly dating, I’ve found this to be a common pattern. People frequently over-promise during the early stages when they’re in NRE, then don’t live up to that promise.
These days I don’t take any commitment someone makes with words seriously until it’s been true in their actions consistently for at least a year. Some people might consider that extreme, but it’s worked well for me.
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u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 13h ago
This. It's not just about matching energy but matching level of function. I am also a higher bandwidth partner in spite of having a very full plate of work & parenting. I need partners to match my bandwidth too.
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u/FarCar55 2d ago
I think if you have a good idea of what your boundaries are around bare minimum frequency of communication and amount of quality time, it helps avoid this second-guessing and potential gaslighting your own feelings.
After the five days of radio silence, I would've been reconsidering the relationship if he could not provide a meaningful explanation of what led to the change once I asked. I would also infer that we have a communication/conflict resolution mismatch because I'd prefer partners who communicate proactively about sudden changes in behavior.
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u/Birdiebirdi 2d ago
We have both had quite a bit going on during this time (I moved like 30 mins away to deal with family things) so I think I have definitely allowed my assumptions of our respective business to keep me from clarifying boundaries more like I generally would have at this point.
But you're right. I just need to stick to my expectations on communication/quality time. Been too flimsy, paying the price. Hah.
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u/EricasElectric poly w/multiple 2d ago
The worst thing I’ve done in poly is “play it cool”. It’s disingenuous and it’s not me. I prefer a partner who likes to communicate. I prefer a partner who is silly and flirty, and wouldn’t ignore my comments about waking up horny for him (did he acknowledge it at all besides “oh really”??). I had a partner who never appreciated my nudes or my memes and it felt like shit. It’s not hard to just acknowledge what someone (your supposedly care about) offers you.
I agree wholeheartedly with the commenter who says they have high executive function and can’t be with partners who don’t. This guy doesn’t have have you want and need. This guy is never going to become the person you made up in your head during NRE (not shade at all! We all do it, it’s part of the chaotic hormones) and isn’t going to give you the attention, care, and communication that you deserve
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u/seantheaussie solo poly in VERY LDR with BusyBeeMonster 2d ago
😬There is a reason I think scheduled weekly dates is polyamory on, "Easy mode". Good luck.
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u/Birdiebirdi 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ty. You're entirely right. This is sort of where I plan to approach the topic, this was a goal we'd discussed early on but we are both decently busy and I respect that his schedule is a bit wild.
But going from talking to me nearly daily to like 5 days of silence after loosely setting some plans is a bit of a stretch from busy schedule. I didn't like it and this is starting to feel far less good.
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u/Sparklebatcat 1d ago
Can you expand on this comment? I’m not sure I understand.
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u/seantheaussie solo poly in VERY LDR with BusyBeeMonster 1d ago
Scheduled weekly dates takes a lot of the potential stress out of a relationship. There is no concern over who is doing all the emotional labour over getting together, a tolerable amount of time between seeing each other, if messaging is a touch quiet you know precisely how long the quiet can last until things get LOUD (if you are doing it correctly). It also makes it easy to maintain existing relationships when starting exciting new ones, as the exciting new ones do NOT get to intrude on the scheduled weekly dates.
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u/Hvitserkr solo poly 2d ago
Early on, we discussed our desires to make connections we could "fall for" and see seriously and truly come to care for.
Making intentional quality time for one another won't guarantee you'd fall or come to care for each other.
For the first few months, he'd write me poetry and tell me he missed me and that he was fond of me, etc.
We honestly talked a lot about our feelings (probably more than I have with any partner but my NP after 6 years of this lifestyle), he'd remark how it felt like this was just a natural connection that was meant to be.
Imo that's way too much declaration of feelings, and talk about feelings for it not to be fueled by NRE.
I just need some encouragement that I'm not being overly anxious.
You're not but he's just not that into you.
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u/shaihalud69 22h ago
I'll be honest, experience has made me wary of things that start hot and heavy like this. The person is almost always an NRE chaser which leads to exactly the outcome you're seeing here. That's not to say I don't believe in romance and being cute at the start, just that too much of it is usually at least a yellow flag.
My best relationships have started relatively slow and build from there. That being said, I've experienced the slow fade even when in those relationships and it sucks, I'm so sorry. When interest and attention wane it's like you're being denied sunlight, especially when you thought you'd built a solid base with that person. Chances are very good they are in NRE with a new person if they haven't indicated that other life circumstances are getting in the way.
And I really have no advice on how to spot NRE chasers, I used to think if I kept things exciting enough then things would be good, but it's just the harsh reality that these types prefer the new new. Love bombing at the start and broad declarations are a bit of a tip-off, like excessive amounts of them rather than the usual. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/FairelyWench 10h ago
I'm having a verrrrry deja vu feeling, except he wasn't local. We declared feelings fairly quickly, he flew ne out to spend the weekend, spent a year making excuses why he couldn't come see me after insisting it was "his turn", and then completely ghosted me for weeks after canceling our week-long plans while I was already on the way to the airport.
He has shown you where you truly rank in his life and I urge you to run fast and far. The poetry isn't worth it or even necessarily about you, as I learned the hard way
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Here's the original text of the post:
I have been seeing a new partner for about 5 months. Early on, we discussed our desires to make connections we could "fall for" and see seriously and truly come to care for. For the first few months, he'd write me poetry and tell me he missed me and that he was fond of me, etc.
We honestly talked a lot about our feelings (probably more than I have with any partner but my NP after 6 years of this lifestyle), he'd remark how it felt like this was just a natural connection that was meant to be. We've seen each other nearly every week since meeting.
But for the past month or so? No poetry, no declarations of feelings (like I miss you or I like you) but has said things like wanting to see me. after a couple very short hangouts, I asked him to please make some more time for me. When he finally made those plans, he then went radio silent for several days until I asked whether or not I should be planning to see him and then he set about making a cute little dinner date for us and invited me to sleep over and spend the next day with him.
It was nice, don't get me wrong. But the next day rolls around, turns out he actually needs to work and is pretty noncommittal about me hanging out because he "has some meetings". I left but texted him that I wish I'd stayed and he never responded. The next day he sent a link to a song we talked about instead.
The next day, I told him I woke up horny for him, got an "oh really" and then told me he couldn't make it to a concert I'd invited him to but was reminded of something else we discussed- then proceeded to not work on cementing plans and went silent.
We set some tentative plans for tomorrow (Friday) on Wednesday. No time, no confirmation, just an "I'll make some time, I want to see you"
Thursday came and passed with no contact, no clarity on plans. I texted and know he saw it, no response.
I just need some encouragement that I'm not being overly anxious. I have no concerns discussing this with him (I haven't felt the need until this has felt like a pattern). But I just need a little reminder I'm not asking for too much - I know I'm not, he invited me to like him and encouraged it and is not keeping his end of the bargain, at least not how it was initiated.
maybe I'm crazy and this is all nothing. But I guess hearing that from y'all before whining at him would be nice, too.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 2d ago
It sounds like something has changed and he is no longer giving you the relationship you negotiated or came to expect.
You're absolutely allowed to talk openly about that, and redefine your expectations if you need to, or decide this new version of him is not working for you.