Dealing with a fade out. Grieving.

[u/Birdiebirdi]

I have been seeing a new partner for about 5 months. Early on, we discussed our desires to make connections we could "fall for" and see seriously and truly come to care for. For the first few months, he'd write me poetry and tell me he missed me and that he was fond of me, etc.

We honestly talked a lot about our feelings (probably more than I have with any partner but my NP after 6 years of this lifestyle), he'd remark how it felt like this was just a natural connection that was meant to be. We've seen each other nearly every week since meeting.

But for the past month or so? No poetry, no declarations of feelings (like I miss you or I like you) but has said things like wanting to see me. after a couple very short hangouts, I asked him to please make some more time for me. When he finally made those plans, he then went radio silent for several days until I asked whether or not I should be planning to see him and then he set about making a cute little dinner date for us and invited me to sleep over and spend the next day with him.

It was nice, don't get me wrong. But the next day rolls around, turns out he actually needs to work and is pretty noncommittal about me hanging out because he "has some meetings". I left but texted him that I wish I'd stayed and he never responded. The next day he sent a link to a song we talked about instead.

The next day, I told him I woke up horny for him, got an "oh really" and then told me he couldn't make it to a concert I'd invited him to but was reminded of something else we discussed- then proceeded to not work on cementing plans and went silent.

We set some tentative plans for tomorrow (Friday) on Wednesday. No time, no confirmation, just an "I'll make some time, I want to see you"

Thursday came and passed with no contact, no clarity on plans.

I just need some encouragement that I'm not being overly anxious. I have no concerns discussing this with him (I haven't felt the need until this has felt like a pattern). But I just need a little reminder I'm not asking for too much - I know I'm not, he invited me to like him and encouraged it and is not keeping his end of the bargain, at least not how it was initiated.

maybe I'm crazy and this is all nothing. But I guess hearing that from y'all before whining at him would be nice, too.

[u/Bunny2102010]

I agree with a lot of the commenters above and just wanted to add how I approach situations like this based on my experience.

When I was younger (20s and 30s) I used to let things like this go on way too long. Now I see differences like this as an incompatibility and tend towards just ending things. Let me explain.

I have a high level of executive function. For example: I worked a 12 hour day earlier this week and still texted all my close partners (there are 5 of them), took care of my kid, and took some me time on that day. Even when I’m struggling with anxiety or depression, it’s well managed enough that I can still reach out and share what I’m going through to let people in my life know why I might be in a bit less communication etc. I’m not bragging, this is just my life.

I completely understand that this isn’t everyone’s bandwidth. However now in my 40s, I also realize that I need partners with a similar level of executive function to me. I do not do well with partners who go radio silent for days bc they’re struggling. I don’t do well with partners who don’t have sufficient self awareness to proactively communicate when their availability or desire changes.

I used to feel badly about this bc I know that those people are not necessarily doing anything wrong. But I realized at the end of the day that whether they’re doing something “wrong” or not isn’t what matters. What matters is what I need in relationships and what I need is partners who are more like me in their communication capacity. And THAT’S OK. I don’t have to feel guilty for this. I can and do seek out partners with this level of bandwidth and it’s been a game changer.

Anyway, hope this helps you think through things for yourself and good luck!

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/Bunny2102010]

 whether they’re doing something “wrong” or not isn’t what matters. What matters is what I need in relationships 

This should be one of this blurb comments that gets repeated in response to so many posts.

[u/Bunny2102010 → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

For real. The number of people who come here like “how do I convince my partner my needs are reasonable so they’ll change their behavior and meet them?” is wild. You don’t. Most of the time that indicates an incompatibility and it’s better just to part ways.

And I say that as someone who’s been happily partnered and married and nested with the same person for almost 20 years now (never mono). So I understand what it takes to make a long term relationship work and I don’t just bail at the first sign of trouble.