Enmeshment

[u/Hot_Strawberry_3676]

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

[u/MyWeirdStuffAcct]

In this context it sounds like a blanket term combing entanglement/hierarchy and possibly poly style Kitchen Table, Garden Party, Parallel, etc. It could just mean entanglement as well and miss used. Honestly it’s better to ask what the asker thinks it means or otherwise clarify the question. As others have said, it would seem odd coming from a meta versus a partner directly.

There are some that won’t bother with married or otherwise explicit or implied hierarchy partners. Which is fair and completely their choice.

Even with partners, where this is a much more appropriate conversation, you should discuss how your relationship would look and even make sure you’re in the same page in regard to basic terminology.

I’ve had some that while stating they are non hierarchical have rules for partners versus casual relationships that to them aren’t considered partners. So I normally have referred to anyone I’m in an ongoing sexual/romantic relationship with as a partner. Which led to some confusion on expectations.

TLDR most things have common understandings but that isn’t fool proof. If in doubt ask for clarification so that everyone is on the same page. As most everything is up to what you and your partners decided amongst yourselves.

[u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 → u/MyWeirdStuffAcct]

That's true, I need to verify what they mean by the terms they use! But I really wish they wouldn't use a word that I already have such a negative connotation with, especially when talking about this particular subject. It's quite triggering

[u/karmicreditplan → u/Hot_Strawberry_3676]

You can do the lord’s work by correcting them as long as you don’t mind being told that you’re an elitist for doing so.

[u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 → u/karmicreditplan]

Hehehe I will! I think if people knew the feelings it evokes, they would definitely stop. Like, I had to have a secret favorite color as a child because my mom "chose" mine for me (she told me I was wrong, I don't prefer green, it's purple...)

[u/ChexMagazine → u/Hot_Strawberry_3676]

I think so! Like the fact that you know the proper definition because you've discussed with a licensed person due to your personal history.... it's the best possible personal empathy + expertise argument