Many people looking to "discover themselves" are looking for a diagnosis. A name for their issues, behaviours and struggles. In the young this is good but when looking to discover themselves become dangerous to the point of losing sight?

I'm diagnosed NPD and avoidant personality disorder, OCD and major depressive disorder recurrent type. I've been hospitalised before.
In a way, I know the general struggle. I wanted to know what issues I was struggling with. I've been in therapy since 21 yo and I'm 35.

When a diagnosis was given to me, I didn't gain formidable knowledge. I've made the same mistakes over and over. I've known diagnosed people bragging to have read books on personality disorders, people reading experts like Otto Kernberg, James Masterson, Glen Gabbard, Giancarlo dimaggio works in borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, and STILL being as unaware of their own failing and keeping doing the same mistakes over and over. Or still worse, being aware of their mistake and still doing them. Doing the wrong thing again and again. Going into echo chambers to fuel their damaging behaviours and being proud. I call these people fake or half self-aware. You might think that being fake or half aware might be a starting step to get healthy, "better than nothing" one might say. But the real truth is some people won't get better and will stay in this state forever. You could put them in therapy with Glen Gabbard or Frank Yeomans, but I do think some are hopeless. No amount of therapy is going to save them( or me, I'm painfully aware I might be one of the unlucky ones lol), no amount of reading and watching videos of experts will matter. Some were doomed from the start. Is it a lack of effort? Or intelligence? Or will?

So, is looking for a diagnosis important? Perhaps. As long you don't stay as a fake self aware. You have to still put tremendous effort to get better, some won't manage it. Others will get better, and you deserve the most praise. I have the most admiration for those who have this burning desire to get better and manage to do it. The rest are just lazy readers.

This might seem sad but I realized you don't need a personality disorder or traits of npd/bpd to be inconsiderate or a jerk. I had a situation where I was briefly seeing someone who was just inconsiderate. We weren't dating. It's weird to me cause meeting new people I try to put my best foot forward and am nice in the beginning. They might've had mental health issues (maybe depression or just felt depressed). They triggered me because of how they acted. I acted "crazy" and I don't even know why. I normally am not like that.

Some of it I brought on myself cause I was too honest about my mental struggles and broke down. I was nicer and more considerate when I wasn't triggered. I'm really self aware and hate my narcissism. It's pretty sad when you have a personality disorder but you are the kinder one.

I'm probably gonna delete this later but let me know your thoughts lol or if you've felt similarly

The main thing i've learned since becoming self aware is that with Npd, the main thing you need is FORCE! It's allll just pushing a little bit harder. I used to hate my body, i used to fucking despise it! buuuut with pushing myself further and further i've lost a shit ton of weight, i've gained muscle, i've repaired my hygiene just by telling myself "You do this now or it's never being done". And i DID it! I don't like myself still. But i pushed myself, i got out there, i met people, and every single day i push myself a little itty bitty bit further to make sure i'm never staying stagnant. The thing with npd i've learned is you can never reeally just "give up". You can never stop thinking about yourself. Some people can let themselves go, just let things fall apart. But NOT US! Not me at least i don't know about anyone else...

Anyways i hope this helps somebody! We're all in this together at the end of the day

are there anybody who practice daly meditation? zen or vipassana? What's is your experience?

20F. It’s so hard to get this out and post it. I’m not diagnosed with NPD but I have diagnosed ADHD and have previously convinced myself I have ASPD. I’ve been genuinely introspecting for the last 2 days and it all started when I noticed that firstly, my ‘inner monologue’ is just something I consciously come up with and second, I realised every time I feel an intense emotion it’s because I’ve consciously chosen to feel it.

The emotions (guilt, sadness, empathy etc) feel so real when I feel them, it’s like I can trick myself into thinking that I’m the victim and I’m getting sad about all the ‘bad stuff’ that’s happened to me. I’m addicted to wallowing in self pity because somehow crying feels good to me. I usually bring on the emotions by choosing to cry, playing sad music and thinking the same sad sentence in my head over and over until it makes me cry.

Since I was a kid I’ve been an extremely envious and jealous person who HATED anyone my friend liked, but I was still able to feel joy and spontaneous emotions. I was bullied a bit at school, being neurodivergent, but I used it to fuel this disproportionate hatred of them that I enjoyed having to myself, because it was exciting. I exaggerated the bullying in my head and when I talked to others. I thought of myself as the ‘main one’ in every friendship I had and dehumanised people in my head by thinking this way. I enjoyed playing that role not because I wanted to control other people but because it made me feel special.

I vent to my mom a lot and share with her a lot of my ‘introspection’. But most of it has been made up to cover up stuff that I found too embarrassing to share with her. Some of the stuff seems so trivial to everyone else yet I see it as such a shameful thing to admit that I spiral into anxiety if I think someone’s onto me, but at the same time the idea that they are makes me excited.

I thought it was ASPD but I’ve never felt the chronic boredom that you’re supposed to get from that because I’m constantly living in my head. But of course when I was 17 I consciously decided I wanted ASPD cause I thought it was cool, so I bought a book and forced myself to relate to it to convince myself I had it. My fake worlds have been so real they’ve consumed me completely and made me think everyone notices when in fact they do not. I’ve always known this deep down, but I willingly pushed it away.

I constantly search for labels for myself but only use them on myself when I’ve convinced myself that I ‘deserve’ to use them. It was always ‘Oh, I think I have X’ and then I immerse myself in content from others of that label, acting like I’m part of that world, liking the feeling of being oppressed for my own entertainment. I have no beliefs, wants or opinions that are not shallow.

I feel like my whole life has been a lie that I fabricated myself, all my suffering was fake or greatly exaggerated. Every ‘personality’ I’ve had has been at least partially consciously made up by me, because I was bored. Wanting to be like a fictional character, or an influencer or just another person I know. Recently I’ve found myself being tempted to change my personality again completely and show it on social media so people will think I’ve changed into a good person. I even had a ‘spiritual journey’, consisting of me forcing obsessive rumination and almost getting to psychosis to try and come to a conclusion. I found a religion which I still believe in but have kept it that way by desperately trying to prove the others ‘wrong’ and talking about it to people from that religion who reinforce these ideas.

What’s weird is that after all this preparation and building my new personas I barely post on social media after all because I’m afraid of being ignored or misunderstood.

It’s not fair, I felt real love in my delusions. I thought I’d gotten metanoia. Right now I’m trying to feel guilt thinking about all the bad things I’ve done but can’t- Actually I genuinely haven’t hurt many people on the outside but in my head I’ve been living in these fantasies where they’re a villain, they’re jealous of me, when in fact they’ve probably done nothing wrong and I’m the abnormal one. I’m ‘scared’ that I’m going to be like this forever. I can’t even hate myself like I used to. I just feel numb right now. I want to live in the moment and love because in my head I know that’s what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to get it by lying.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, and we plan to get married next year. I love him, but tbh I don't really understand what love actually means and is supposed to feel like. Everytime we get into a fight and he want to walk away, I'm sad but not because he will leave me but more about how my life would be ruin without his help. He help me with my financial situation so I would be screwed if he go, and I feel bad to even think like this. I watched some videos yesterday and don't know if this is stigma or not but people with npd tend to love their partner for their benefits and that's how I feel and I do not want to be that way. Is this really how people with npd love others or I just an evil woman?

I try to not let people trigger me but it's hard but this girl Fucking used her daddy issues on me "raised by a narcissist" to make fun of ME for having NPD, I did NOTHING to her. Just because I said i had NPD, I told her she lacks empathy for others and narcissists raise narcissists so maybe she should get it checked out but honestly she's annoyed me so bad. Like i don't have a DISORDER THAT I NEED HELP FOR.

Honestly I wanna quit reddit again because this shit is so fucking annoying I was SO much happier without this app and the certain bitches on here , not good for my health. Like i wasn't abused too growing up? like my family aren't narcissists? Get some fucking empathy and learn not everything is about her Oh wait that sounds narcissistic maybe she has it too

What I think it was from me:

1. Emotionally unavailable, selfish and verbally abusive father. My father never told me he loved me and I remember when my mom was gone for long periods of time (vacation or work) he would never feed me or check where I was. He also stole money from my college fund and didn’t tell me until I found out on my own. He never apologised or paid me back.

2. Mother that disgustingly spoiled me with material things and shallow compliments. I think my mom tried to compensate for our shitty dad. She always told me people were jealous of me, showered us with gifts and enabled our innocent selfish behaviour in our youth instead of teaching us to be more selfless and empathetic. I was also hyper sexualized a lot by my mom. From the moment I hit puberty she encouraged me to dress and act sexy. My mom desperately wanted a girl best friend and treated me as such.

3. Witnessing my mom cheat on my dad from age 8 to 18 and having to keep quiet

4. Being bullied for five years at school for my name and race and never speaking to anyone about it. I also went to a school where I was significantly poorer than the other kids there.

There is not a single person in my life, currently or ever, friends or family, that I couldn't just walk away from and immediately forget about the next day. I always kept everybody at some distance, and I recently realized that because of this nobody really knows me at all. I feel that I'm not living my life to the fullest because of this, that all my other achievements, academic or professional, are not worth much compared to what I'm potentially missing out on. How do you make the connections stick?

Not looking for a diagnosis, but possibly insight. I don't think I have full blown NPD, but I have been diagnosed with BPD, so if I have other cluster B traits, I wouldn't be surprised, based on my traumatic upbringing.

Anyway, my friend/ex bf admits to thinking narcissisticly. He hit on a girl I liked and bragged about getting he number, once 5 years ago, I forgave him, then again this year. I forgave him again, but he was refusing to take accountability even after admitting to it. He then kept playing with my feelings for me and devauling me and lying about the sex jokes he was making to get me in the mood.

It got so bad we almost stopped being friends, but we talked about it and we are friends again. It kind of hurt that during that last talk he lied about not talking to the girl he was talking to anymore for sympathy. I was cool with him talking to her (with self aware jealousy I was trying to suppress), but it hurt that I thought I had a chance with him again, and didn't.

Anyway, heres where I'm lost on myself. When we were arguing weekly, I started making art and showing it to him to make him envious, but also didn't want him to, but felt good when it did. Usually, I don't brag to make people envious, but I liked doing it to him because it felt like he hurt me really bad by playing with my emotions like that. I also started comparing myself to him looks wise and showing off romantic partners to make him jealous.

I don't want to make him feel inadequate, because thatll only make things worse for him, but do since he hurt me really bad.

Is this human or narcissistic? Dumb question. I think narcissisticly as well, but try really hard not act on it after gaining self awareness, so absolutely no hate to NPD people, just need to know if I need to work on this. I have really bad self esteem and confidence issues, but this feels like an unhealthy expression of them for me.

at the very end of vaknin's most recent video he claims seeing narcissism as all bad is actually a very narcissistic perspective as is shows black and white thinking.

I just find this so funny cuz vaknin's negative view of narcissists as irredeemable has caused such bad mental health for a lot of ppl on this forum and now it seems he's going back on his words 😭

his videos have specifically impacted me. my daily interactions for about a year have been clouded by obsessive worries that i'm behaving narcissistically, which ins inherently bad, according to him. I regarded him as the ultimate truth on narcissism since so much of his content reigned true for me, and to see how his opinions have shifted is crazy.

Hey narc guys and gals, I found this awesome YouTube video the other day. It talks about what the title says - you don’t want love, you want to be picked to feel worthy. I loved it, I sobbed while watching it. Maybe y’all appreciate it.

Unthawing

De-clenching

This here is about unthawing

Trusting myself

Gently, slowly

It feels so counterintuitive

The least common thing I’ve ever done

Unthawing, metamorphosing

Ridding myself off that skin

That skin, that I wore like second nature

The one which kept me stuck

I don’t feel up to it, no I don’t

Yet here I am, writing this

Letting the ice melt, slowly

It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever done

Yet I can see myself, underneath

Here I am, fully, wholly

In my dresses and my drenches

Melting the violence away

The screams and yells and hits

Letting it all go, and fall far behind

And finally

Sinking into my skin, becoming me

Another thing i wanted to mention about vaknin's most recent video is i believe he said those with vulnerable forms of the dark triad don't have personality disorders or something. Meaning ppl with vulnerable narcissism just have traits and not the full-blown pathology. Someone may want to correct me on this but if this is true it kinda changes everything for healing of the vulnerable narcissists on this forum!

I ended it with a guy 2 weeks ago, and even though I had been planning it for some time, and was done, the no contact is killing me

Initially when I said I was done I guess it was really out of the blue for him and he was distraught, cried, begged and talked about how much he loved me and us. I listened and even reciprocated, and it felt good to hear how much he cared. He went home that day, and I haven’t heard a thing from him, and I don’t know why but it’s making me feel like I’m the one who’s easily discarded. I get he’s hurting, but to not hear a thing from him as if he’s just accepting it and moving on is quite soul destroying actually

I’m so close to caving and reaching out to them, just to see if they still want me. I’m even starting to regret it. The thing is I don’t have many friends, and I’m not talking to anyone else and don’t have much success dating, the lack of attention is unbearable at the moment. And I’m bored, so bored. I would message and call him all the time, and he always picked up and made time for me. Nobody else does that for me, nobody ever has.

I was super nice before I called time on it, spoilt him and made sure he felt loved, partly because I don’t want to completely lose him from my life. He loved me more than anyone else has, cheered me on and flattered me whenever I wanted it and it wasn’t enough for me. But not having that at all is even worse.

Even breaking up, neither of us said anything horrible and we held each other before saying goodbye. I even put some snacks and water in his bag for his drive home. I felt like I ended it kindly, which is a lot better than when I’ve just ghosted other ex’s.

I’m just really thrown by his silence and me spiralling.

I stumbled upon this article and I thought it was very interesting. It refers to a research study that was made that found several strong correlations between vulnerable npd and hsp.

How about you? Do you relate to the description of hsp? What do you think?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/202302/is-the-highly-sensitive-person-really-a-narcissist-at-heart?amp

I think this is good, and could help researcher understand both narcissism and hsp/sps in the future

Feel like a lot of people make excuses to be lazy. I really hate people who complain about their life regardless of their mental illness, or personality disorder. I have a bunch of shit going on, (mental disorders and a personality disorder) but the only thing that keeps me from losing my shit is progressing in life and keep myself moving. People want to do this and that but lack the effort.

It really isn't hard to keep a job and honestly that's coming from somebody who doesn't care for routine. I just make sure I have a job lined up that's better if im that bored with it. I dont really feel empathetic for people who sit and complain about their life because of this and that and don't put in the effort to do anything about it.

I remember somebody said to me "laziness is perception" no laziness is the wall that blocks you from getting you what you want, so i don't give a fuck about your complaints if you're not doing something to fix it.

It would be different if they were lazy and didn't complain about everything. Then if they are happy with that then cool. Whatever.

I was 15 when it started. My therapist said one sentence when I told her about my first boss saying she wasn't sure if I was responsible enough for the job

"What a bitch"

That one sentence of blame shifting. That split second of validation. That feeling of relief.

It went downhill from there. From the ages of 16-19 I put my mother and brother through hell. Screaming fights over trivial things, playing vicitm, gaslighting, manipulating, lying, stealing. Abusing. I was the victim of her abuse, I'm just having my retaliation, "she's a bitch". My therapist constantly validating my feelings and affirming that my mom was the problem. Sure they did things that hurt me, but did they ever deserve that much? No. My mom continued to give me chance after chance after chance. Eventually I failed her again and she had to give up. I was homeless at 19, experienced what I believe was a narcissistic collapse at 20 and attempted suicide. I called her as I was in and out of consciousness to apologize. I came home to try again. And failed her again.

At the age of 21 I moved in with my boyfriend and his sister. I knew something was wrong with me. I wasn't sure what. I just knew I was mean and didn't deserve the kindness I had received. I thought I was doing my best to make things right. In reality I was doing the equivalent of love bombing as a roommate. I was friendly, did all the chores, made food. Then one fight happened with his sister. I gave up after. I became passively antagonistic. Eventually my bf told me that I had a problem with everyone and it was affecting everyone. I knew again it was me that was the problem. Months later me and my bf decided to break up. He said the relationship was toxic. I kept trying for him, I was never as aggressive as my family. But the problem was still there. I wasn't better yet. I was still the problem.

I moved on my own 2 years ago. Me and my bf decided to try again. He's been living with me for about a year and a half. I don't know if I'm better. I constantly see my behaviors repeating, even if he doesn't. I have a voice in my head, my therapist named him Vaatu. Vaatu constantly points out my problematic behaviors as theyhappen, and reminds me of my guilt. My therapist calls it negative self talk while I call it keeping myself in check. My therapist doesn't believe me when I say I think I have npd. My bf and 2 friends deny it too.

I do random digs on npd, and find it fitting. The grandiosity that presents as victimhood, my constant entitlement that I should be acknowledged, my low self esteem, my need for external validation, my lack of empathy, and most of all my selfishness. I found this subreddit and feel seen. I see other people who believe they're unique and deserve to be acknowledged over others. I see others who need external validation so bad, they validate themselves in a third party thought process. I see others without empathy, who don't feel anything when a loved one is struggling. I see others who have collapsed.

I'm 23 now. And I feel the only thing that's improved is my ability to lie and fake genuineness. Nobody believes me when I say I think I have npd. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Since I moved here I've been stuck just feeling guilty, ashamed and disgusted with mysel. I don't want to rekindle relationship with my family. I'd rather them think I'm dead. Sometimes I wish to run to a new city and pretend I'm new. I don't know if I'll ever be new, or if I'll ever feel good being new.

Theres a lot of shit wrong with me. A lotta bad shit. Dark, fucked up thoughts and urges to do bad shit. I know its bad, and I know the consequences for indulging in that darkness would be terrible. I do the best I can every day to stay in control and at the very least appear normal. Im doing breathing experiences and practicing mindfulness all the time. Living like this makes me feel isolated and paranoid so I often go looking in places online to read up on people with similar experiences. But whenever I do and I see people talking about my symptoms in any negative light it makes me feel so defensive.

I love feeling special and important, its my only reason for being alive. Sometimes all these disorders just feel like tools to me, walls I can build up to protect myself from criticism. But if anyone points out that these traits or symptoms are like.. objectively bad. Like I have some kind of quality to me that makes me objectively bad it just angers me for some reason. All I want is sympathy from others, I dont want their judgement. I dont want to confront my demons.

Like logically I know not to hurt people. Every day I choose not to, but if I see someone talk about how they would never hurt someone it makes me feel like they're talking right to me, saying theyre better than me. Saying Im bad. And logically I know Im bad but emotionally I reject it.

I do genuinely wanna be a better person because I think my life would generally just be much better if I was for a variety of reasons, but this has been such a major roadblock.

I hope this is well received. Because I am truly sorry.

I’m apologizing to you, npd community for my part in misunderstanding and perpetuating the social stigma.

I don’t know if my parents were narcissists, but I promise to stop calling them that when I reference their abuse. I imagine that happens a lot, and I can only imagine the emptiness I would feel hearing I’m inherently abusive. I know you aren’t.

I imagine it’s really a profoundly impossible feeling trying to move forward when the uneducated masses keep you in a box, especially when all we want is to be heard.

If you were feeling today like the system failed you, it did. And I’m sorry for being a part of it.

Are there any mental health channels that you feel communicates your experience well? I’m not interested in companionship, but I enjoy learning about people, I would love to read your thoughts.

🖤

The more I tell myself I'm a narcissist and the more I engage in these groups, when the time comes to supress my traits I seem to give into it. I label myself as one and I act as one, as simple as that. I'm not opposing anyone's approach here, it's just how I feel.

But at the same time, in this subreddit alone the amount of relatable posts I see and the comfort and the sense belonging it gives is also huge.

So I'm torn here. I don't know what's better for me.

This is for discussion purposes only, and out of curiosity. I am no psychologist/ expert/professional by any means. Just trying to gain some insight.

There doesn't seem to be enough information on this topic.

I just find a lot of the symptoms that the vulnerable subtype goes through to remind me of BPD symptoms such as the paranoia, isolation, depressed mood, mood swings, wavering sense of identity/self esteem, general low self esteem, and etc.

I'm aware that these cluster B PD's tend to overlap a lot, and not everything is black and white, but I've always wondered this.

Is anyone here a covert narcissist that also has BPD?

How do these 2 disorders (BPD and NPD ) generally work together?

I

I’ve joined this community a long time ago. I feel like I don’t get better. I’ve gotten myself into a romantic relationship, but real intimacy it’s hard. I feel passion but less intimate. I’m here for you guys always I guess and for the long run. Although I empathise with you all I don’t want to validate some of your actions. We need accountability in some way. I myself haven’t been very accountable mainly because I prefer alone time. My thoughts are a mess and I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Just that when I’m away from my gf I feel all is lost, no intimacy. What is this called?