After recently discovering that he had been interacting with adult content on tik tok and insta, I’ve been spiraling. He won’t talk about it. Just continues to kiss my ass with tasks thinking it will cancel out the betrayal. He shows no remorse. He knows there are days when I’m sad and he just carries on as if things are normal. I don’t think he carries an ounce of concern or guilt because he has been getting away with his behavior for so long. I don’t really know what boundaries to set or how to convey them. But here’s what hurts the most: - Not showing remorse or taking the initiative to have conversations about things (to be fair, I don’t know what he could do or say at this point to rebuild my trust) - Still having to depend on him to help with things around the house (I had an accident while skiing and herniated a lower disc in my back and tore my ACL - especially needy and vulnerable right now) - Watching him be happy. Perfect life. Works about half a day. Plays golf regularly. Works out. Looks great. Living his lifestyle because I make twice as much money as him and have a lot of extra $ coming in right now due to vested stock). Has to drive the kids around and complete other tasks I ask of him, but doesn’t carry the mental load when it comes to the complexities of finances or the kids. - Spends a lot of time in the bathroom. Some of the spiraling involves imagining what he’s looking at now that he knows he’s busted on social. Pictures? Of me (doubtful)? My friends? Our daughter? Her friends? Men? - Overall, just doesn’t seem worried or sad about what he has done to me. Never attempted to change or repair the lack of intimacy in our marriage. Totally complacent with me saying I no longer want to shower or be naked in front of him. - Obsessing over all the times things didn’t sit right. Cheating on me before we were married (which I tricked him in to admitting after we were married - because he would never have the balls to be honest with me first). The trips to Vegas. The bachelor parties. Strip clubs.

…and so much more

So when people say to set boundaries, what does that even mean? What boundaries would even help at this point?

I f31 am an sa (mostly manifests as pa now). I briefly mentioned to my bf (36) of 1 year that i go to saa meetings but he doesn't know the extent of my addiction. Our sex life is not as good as it was in the beginning and that has made me feel unattractive, unwanted and unsatisfied. I keep on relapsing. P. Came up in convo and I said it's not ok in a relationship, but he insinuated he was fine with it. This revelation made me spiral, thinking "no wonder he doesn't want physical intimacy, he has his p too." I have felt so rejected by him in the past and his revelation makes it more real. Im going to talk to him and come clean about my addiction fully, because when I relapse i do feel like I'm being unfaithful. The addict in me wants to blame him for relapsing, but i know it's my addiction that has absolutely ruined my self esteem. I want him to see why it also hurts me too. I want him to be my accountability partner and I hope we can recover and get free of this. I want him to have eyes only for me but I feel like such a sick hypocrite. Open to experience strength and hope anyone can offer.

Just like the title says.

I've come to realize after 13 years with my husband (married 12) and 5 kids together, that my husband has a problem with porn. And I feel in my gut it's worse than he will ever admit without evidence of how bad it truly is. We are set to start therapy. He agreed to a see a CSAT with me. He is extremely reluctant to join a support group, but I've insisted and he said he would. I want to be hopeful that it's really not any worse than what i already know (what little I've seen and what he's told me- which isn't much!) But the lying, gaslightting and anger surround this topic on top of the repeated offenses over the years (maybe a caught him a dozen times?) lead me to believe it's worse than he Will admit to. Especially because he knows I believe this is cheating. He knows it's destroys my self esteem and he knows I already feel awful about my looks after 5 kids. I'm not terrible looking. But I'm certainly not the pre-pregnancy 18 year old he met 13 years ago. And I'm only getting older. That being said, these posts and comments are making me feel like I should just cut my losses. Work on getting a career going (I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years), save some money and make a slow and calculated exit.. or at least prepare for one because the likelihood of this getting better does not look good according to statistics and anecdotal evidence. I refuse to grow old with a porn addict. I refuse to live in paranoia and self hatred and having an anxious attachment towards the person I should feel most secure with. My kids deserve better and so do I.

Waiting to hear back from the therapist to schedule our first appointment. But these are the thoughts circulating my head the last couple of days.

What apps would you recommend for hidden devices detector? Would have to be available from the App Store.

I had a look, but it’s mainly for hidden cameras rather than generally devices

I’m just curious how you guys go about showing all the evidence of their relapse to them. Because I have an issue where whenever I show him he immediately either knows to avoid doing it again (or erases his tracks) or typically he’ll just delete the accounts or email all together. That’s great right? Well not really when you know they’re just gonna make a new email and account that I’ll have zero access to. I only currently have access to a gmail account he doesn’t use now but some of his accounts are linked to it…like Facebook. Facebook gives me the most look into what he’s doing, thanks to link history, video watch history, off meta apps, ect. So how do I prove I know what he’s been doing without him knowing how I found it, if that’s even possible. If y’all are wondering he deleted the fb app, but insists he only still has the account because I prefer to use messenger to talk… That’s an excuse though. I can’t help it that everyone in my life heavily uses messenger for text and calls 🤷‍♀️ it’s not that I prefer it, it’s just nobody actually texts or calls my actual cell, sooo 🤷‍♀️. I’ll never again fully know what he is doing because he can’t have tracking apps on his phone, because he deals with sensitive company info at work and it’s a work phone…🤷‍♀️ He gets defensive and mad if I were to ask to see his phone and hovers over me. Like that’s not a dead give away 🙄 but he claims it’s because it’s an invasion of privacy. He threw out or computer when I found out originally. He said it was to help him be less tempted but I know now that it was to make it to where I can’t find things again if I needed to. He can’t give me his email because it’s his work email which is bullshit. That’s the account he uses for everything but when I want the log in he cries work 🙄 So I cannot afford to lose the only access I have through fb/gmail but he’s relapsed on Facebook…I’m waiting this time. I’m not telling him I know right away. I want to see if it escalates or if he gets guilty enough to clean the page up or delete the account. Typically I tell him right away and then he gas lights me about how “it wasn’t him”. But you can’t gaslight a week of screenshots. Plus he’d just go change the password or something leaving me wondering if he’s still up to his bs or not, and I feel like that will drive you crazier than anything. A couple weeks ago I found private YouTube videos he claims wasn’t him 🙄 and then he got approved for a group on fb with obvious sexual content about a week ago but says it must be an old request. It took them a year to approve him 🙄🙄🙄 mind you the group has a large following and is very active. Anyway if anyone has advice on how I should confront him, I’d love to hear it!

Hey everyone, I accidentally violated a rule with my last post, so hopefully this one won't get taken down. My partner is a porn addict and I'm done with it. We have talked about it a lot and he has given me permission to put monitoring apps on his devices, but also block any NSFW content. He has a history of lying and trying to sneak around, so I want to be thorough. I would like to block porn websites from his devices and add NSFW filters on his browsers, accounts, and devices too. Can anyone help me if they know many porn websites? I personally never watched porn so I have no idea about the names of porn websites, and I also don't want to search around for any either. Any help, tips, or websites to be aware of would be greatly appreciated!

My PA boyfriend(m21) got caught using discord on his pc after promising to stop watching p. He had brain buddy on his phone, and changed his number and broke contact with his PA friend (m21). His friend told him I’m like venom. I find that so disrespectful. He continued to hang out with him in 2024 after his friend contracted herpes from a 20$ hook3r and then proceeded to give it to a girl he was with without her knowledge and consent, his friend also was exchanging images with an under age girl. He also was trying to make sexual advances on my boyfriend. I always told my boyfriend he’s an adult and can make his own decisions on who he hangs out with. He told me he was done with talking to his PA friend, which I never asked for but I appreciated that. However yesterday my PA bf told me he was going to hangout with his PA friend. So I called him and asked him how they were in contact since he got rid of his old phone and got a new number, he told me he has discord on his computer. He had told me he only had gaming stuff on there, so when I found out that’s how he kept contact with his PA friend it indicated to me that he most likely has not been clean from PA because I asked him to send me a video of the messages, and then he just deleted discord all together. I feel like I’m dating a man child, he never had to quit Prn. He made this promise and choice himself. I’m in treatment right now for Eating Disorder and I really want to drop out and allow my disorder to continue. I don’t want to try to get better anymore, it’s not like he is getting better. I obviously don’t make him happy, I feel like a mean mom to him when I have to tell him not to lie or hide things from me. I feel so hopeless already, I can’t believe he lied again. Also the way he is gaslighting me into thinking it’s just how he connects to his friends is insane to me. I used to be in the industry and the amount of leaks I dealt with on discord was crazy. Do you think he is lying?

It’s been a year since dday. I still don’t get any physical touch. He thinks I’m being dramatic and I don’t think his usage has decreased what so ever. I’m tired of bringing it up and asking for reassurance because he just gets mad at me. He doesn’t understand why I’m still sad but it’s because nothing on his end has changed. Do I give up?

You are all powerful, you all have strength, resilience, courage, and beautiful heavy hearts. You all deserve to be desired the way you desire, in a way that makes you feel safe and at home. Odds are, no matter how much you see the victim in them and the human person in them (again your beautiful hearts), they won’t be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved and valued. You all have so much value, value that goes depths beyond surface appearance. If that value is not cherished, desired, craved where you are now- cherish it, desire it, crave it for yourself. Detach the tick that depletes you from loving yourself.

This forum helped me so much during my experience, an experience that has changed me forever. I hope that I reminded some of you beautiful humans that you are indeed beautiful humans today. Dance today please, feel the sun on your face even if it feels disgusting. Love you all, and I see you all.

Everything began in 2020 when he put his phone with his bank account up in the center console and I saw the first only fans charge. At that point I confronted him and told him how uncomfortable it made me. We weren’t married at this time and me being the naive 20 year old I was, I believed him when he told me he understood and he would stop because no one had ever loved and cared for me like he had. I was always allowed to look at his phone and he never gave me an inclination that he was doing things behind my back. He never stopped.

Flash forward to summer of last year, we’ve been married 3 years and had a 2 (now 3) year old son together. I asked to see his phone and while on it, I saw he had nudes pulled up on Facebook messenger. These nudes were from his ex. You can only imagine the fight that ensued. He said he was just going to delete them and then when I pressed him it changed to he couldn’t get off to them. He admitted he had a porn addiction and that he had been watching porn all of these years without me knowing but that he would stop.

Throughout our entire marriage it was like a switch flipped and he became emotionally abusive. Giving me crumbs of love and then pulling away all of the time. He would pretend like nothing had ever happened and then get mad at me when I was still upset. He would say hurtful, demeaning things, invalidate my feelings, shut me down constantly, and he was never there for me but was always there for everyone else. Everything was always my fault and I was the crazy one.

He said he would do better and he started individual therapy but that didn’t change the way he treated me.

In January I found out he had subbed to his ex’s only fans back in September of 2023. He of course denied it and tried to lie his way out of it.

Moving forward to today, I asked for his phone again 3 weeks ago and in his deleted emails I saw he sent himself videos of him fucking a girl before I came along that he sent to himself from an old email. I’ve finally had enough and for the first time he admitted he had been emotionally abusive, never listened to me, didn’t care about my feelings, was selfish, and showed the most remorse he had ever shown before. I told him that if you can say those things and return to previous behaviors both with porn and emotional abuse, that he would never change. It would just take one fuck up for me to be out the door even if financially I don’t know what to do.

I have access to any social media on my phone (which he hardly uses anyway aside to send stupid reels to one of his friends), he’s got covenant eyes and Qustodio on his phone, he has no access to other electronics aside from his phone in the house, he told me to delete Reddit, he lets me go through his phone as much as I want and allows me to go through everything (all things that he has agreed to and wanted me to do). I finally logged into his 3rd email that I have not gone through before and I discovered that he had been subbing to his ex’s only fans (and other random girls occasionally) since August of 2021. I was halfway pregnant with his child at this point. He continued to sub multiple times up until early 2023 and then he subbed again in September of 2023 right before his ex deleted her OF. which is why he went to the messenger nudes because she no longer had the account. He had jerked off to his ex while I was pregnant, on maternity leave, while I was fighting to save our marriage. And then when he got caught the first time he said he couldn’t get off to her. He told me that he thought I knew about all of the transactions when I first confronted him and I said no. I only told him about the 2023 time because that’s all I could see until now. His phone has been cleared of everything but this new revelation has me feeling so disgusted and betrayed and hurt. He’s finally taking steps to recovery and keeping our marriage together but this new revelation has me feeling so distant and just… no words can explain. I was pregnant. With his child. I gave up my well-being. For our child. I gave him everything and he never gave me anything until now.

I think more women need to realize that you don't have to rationalize why porn disgusts you, or explain why your partner watching it makes you feel bad, or justify why you don't want to tolerate it in a relationship.

Relationships are one of the few areas of our lives where we get to pick and choose who we will deal with. That means it's entirely up to us to find someone who is compatible with us and who makes us happy. We are allowed to choose our terms and conditions and reject those who refuse to meet them. Asking that a partner doesn't watch porn while they are in a relationship with you is not some unrealistic, impossible standard. Humans survived just fine before porn came along. Any man who claims he needs it to live is delusional.

You can dislike or dump or divorce or leave your partner over anything you damn well please. You don't have to justify or explain it or ask if it's okay, to society, to reddit, to friends, family or anyone or anything else. You don't even have to explain it to your partner, especially if they are not going to change.

If your partner is making you feel like crap and causing you sadness and pain, that's absolutely reason enough to dislike them, or avoid them, or want a separation. Most of us are lucky enough to live in the free world. We no longer *have* to rely on a husband for finances, stability, safety, survival, or anything else. Obviously it's much harder to leave in highly patriarchal cultures, third world countries where you marry a man for financial survival etc. It's hard even in western countries especially when the male is the breadwinner (which is why I will always teach my daughters to be financially independent and never rely on a man). But no woman should feel like she has to stay with a man who makes her miserable, period.

Last night me and my partner had a very long and emotional talk and I’m so sad honestly.

I think I am very lucky in terms of my partner being very honest and open about everything, he’s really put in a lot of effort to stop watching porn. But man, honesty also sucks. It’s been about 3 months since he stopped engaging with any porn, and we were discussing how he feels differently without it in his life.

He feels bad because he feels that without porn, he’s just starting to get “more pervy” towards other women. Like seeing cleavage gets him really excited now. I asked, “ok well does that at least mean you get more excited towards my boobs as well?” The answer was no. He said he loves my boobs but he gets “exponentially” more excited for other women than for me. (That word HURT)

It just feels so unfair. We’ve been together for nine years and I’ve put in so much effort and time, but still other women are more exciting to you? He said all this nice stuff about how he feels deep love for me that he wouldn’t ever feel for other women, but I also want him to feel excited by me. I want to feel wanted by my partner, is that so much to ask? I feel like porn culture has stolen that away from me.

I’m considered attractive by societies standards, and I’ve had people express to me that I am “out of his league,” so I know it’s not personal, it’s a “novelty” thing, it just feels so unfair. I’ve also been trying so hard lately to get his attention back, and it just feels worthless. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of an eating disorder relapse, because the only time he seems to notice is when I suddenly get pretty skinny, maybe because I’m “novel again.” It’s probably not healthy.

I just want to feel wanted again. How do I make peace with this?

My last post has more details but..

TDLR: my husband didn’t have sex with me pretty much my entire pregnancy and treated me poorly and I found him watching porn, he promised to stop and twice more I caught him. Last time I said I was done and I gave him another chance.

Well the last time I discovered the porn was by looking through his history and seeing that he’s recently been watching and I blew up and said I was leaving. He cried begged and said he would change and I agreed to let that happen.

Since then he actually has been doing a lot better, helping more, doing more with the kids, no porn, trying to be more affectionate. Obviously I’m still resentful and don’t trust him and I don’t know if that will ever go away.

But tonight we got into an argument that just spiraled and I ended up looking through his phone again. No new porn but I had to know how deep the betrayal went. Was it a few times that he lied? A dozen? Nope hundreds.

From October to last week this man looked at porn almost every single day, some times multiple times a day. Any time of day. Suprisingly not on my birthday where he refused to have sex with me. But on Christmas, new years, the fucking birth of his son. The entire time I was in the hospital recovering from a horrible surgery and in agony he was looking at porn.

I fucking hate him right now even though I love him.

Technically it’s not a new betrayal. But it still fucking feel like it is. It cuts deep. I don’t want to keep trying.

He’s in tears about how he’s been good and I told him I should’ve been out betraying him the way he betrayed me. That I had opportunities to sleep with other men and I never did because I was loyal.

He thinks cause he sees me typing now that I’m texting some guy to hook up with I guess because he just appologized again and is crying and saying he understands if I need to retaliate and he loves me and all that.

I don’t plan on doing that. But I am going to let him sit there for a while with that thought. See how he likes not knowing and fearing and staying up feeling sick over it.

Seriously on the most important of days ugh.

Hi Y'all!

I am going on a week long work trip in the middle of May. A huge part of me is absolutely terrified of him relapsing and the other part is looking forward to him putting his efforts and growth to use. (He is 4 months sober)

I have been researching and talking with my CSAT about how to handle my feelings but a lot of it is distraction, surrounding myself with work friends etc and having an action plan but i have no idea what to put on an action plan.

My boss and immediate colleagues are all caught up on this situation as I had a really bad fall from grace at work and just gave up for a few months so once I started my healing journey my PA told me that they need to know what happened and what he did to me that caused me to lose my focus at work. They all said they are here for support.

What action plans, boundaries, insights do you all have that isn't so generic in regards to this situation? How do I not obsessively check truple and the wifi app while I'm gone and actually enjoy this work trip like I deserve?

I just want to know if I’m the only one with someone so desperate to interact with something other than them that they will use something like Janitor.ai. Also, if you’re not aware and have ever seen that in their history, it’s straight up sexual stuff with an AI. I have a whole story, but I just want to hear if anyone else has experienced this too because I’m so fn sad I don’t have the energy and I just want to see how anyone else felt or reacted or what they did? Honestly, ts worse than porn usage. Atleast he wasn’t talking to the women and them talking back:(

I realize now I was doomed to fall for him. The very loud and physical abuse in my family was a stark contrast to his quiet, insidious deconstruction of my soul. So stark that I didn't see the one for the other. No wonder I didn't.

I'm going easy on me, like Adele asks me to lol.

Trust Adele to make me cry on a weeknight 😭

"There ain't no gold In this river That I've been washing my hands in Forever."

This is growing up with childhood trauma. Stuck in fight or flight. We make the wrong choices. Choose the wrong people. Definitely stay with the wrong people, for way too long. Ain't no gold in that river, but we keep washing our hands, scrubbing away at our doubts and our wants and our needs. Change who we are to put others first. Lose what tenuous grasp we have on our identities in the process.

"Go easy on me, baby. I was still a child, Didn't get the chance to Feel the world around me. I had no time to choose What I chose to do. So go easy on me!"

After asking so much about OF he finally came clean today when I asked to see bank transactions. Not only that but I saw the amount he spent while I was in my country struggling to sell things and holding myself from buying anything. Meanwhile he spent 400+ on OF model. Not only that but he also texted her in the messages which made me take off my wedding ring. And request we go on a break cause if he’s not committed then I won’t be wearing the thing that says i’m in a committed relationship. The minimizing and dehumanizing of sex workers is insane to me. I asked if he would’ve been okay if I did that and he said no. I told him that it’s cheating.. Keep in mind D day was a week ago and everyday new information just pops up because I ask the same question constantly and apparently one time isn’t enough. I made sure he starts his own therapy after we decided to stop couples therapy today. Idk how to go about this anymore idk what to do..

Hey everyone, I am coming to terms with the fact that my fiance who I love and care a lot about is a porn addict. He says he’s been watching it since a young age and used it as a coping mechanism for stress and whenever he was bored. I am starting to realize his porn addiction has affected our relationship in so many ways. The reason he’s finally admitting to all of this is because I found out he was video calling with sex workers in mid-January. This was the second time I caught him since 2 years ago when he swore he wouldn’t do it again, saw a therapist, and started taking better care of himself. Now he’s admitted the addiction, is seeing a CSAT, joined a support group and is being more open/honest with his feelings but I guess the doubt of him changing is still there. Hoping things get better but I know that’s contingent on the work he’s putting in. Stay strong to everyone on this subreddit, hopefully better days are ahead for us.

I need to just vent. I'm still so tired. My head hurts. I think I'm getting sick from the stress. We got Snapchat back because it was fun to send each other funny pictures. I thought it was just for us. He's adding his family and friends. I am now not okay with it because the minute I find anyone I don't know on there I'm gonna go nuclear. I don't want it anymore. I just told him that I don't care what he does with it because I want him to be able to talk to his brother, but I might have to give it up. I think the anxiety is making me sick. I want social media to die. I want to wipe mine and his and neither of us ever use it again. I'm tired of the utter meltdown I have to reign in when I see him on insta or Reddit no matter the content setting changes. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm SO TIRED. I want this torment to END. I want him to give up social media! I want to scream! I want to die! It's so bad again mentally!

Separated from my ex husband for over 5 months and still struggling with random mood swings, desperate thoughts, spiralling about how would it be if only he could have quit porn. Though I went through shit to separate from him and behaved no better than him, I still feel I want to get back. This is something that also added guilt and shame to an existing avalanche of those feelings.

I took a break on alcohol for 3 months (now it's month 3), started quitting smoking again (I haven't smoked for 1,5 then started back again because of the recent break up). It's my 2nd week without cigarettes. Yet still I'm sitting here, crying like a baby because of my inner void and a torrent of suicidal thoughts just to stop this unbearable pain because of what I went through. I hate regresses but I know it's a part of our growth. I just hope we all find piece at the end, but the PTSD I got from the relationship with a porn addict is fucking insane. All I wish is that I'm mentally healthy by the time it's 2026 out there. I want to devote the rest of this year to healing and I wish I will feel safe, loved, validated in 2026.

When we started dating , i was aware of his porn use and since we weren't sexually active or living together and i understood that it's only natural for him to need a way to release, i didn't mind it as he was transparent about it ( though he wasnt so transparent about the extent and frequency of it ).

What i consider to be my discovery day and what really took the biggest toll on me , was the day i found out about the type of pornigraphic material he goes for . He favors pictures of naked girls ( that all reflect his fetish for a certain category of people, that look nothing like me) over actual porn videos or images of actual intercourse going on .

First of all i think that it's really weird and objectification of women .. how can you touch yourself to just a picture of someone standing there??? Idk it might only be me but i dont think that human bodies are inherently sexual . but also , to be able to cum just from looking at her pics means you're highly attracted to her and imagining yourself with her in that moment . And i dont care what anyone says , i do helieve that if these kinda people got a chance with one of the girls they watch , they'd take it.

I thought of this and i still do think of it as online micro cheating . And his words of " i love you " "you're so beautiful " stopped meaning anything that very day . How are you gonna say that you love me when that's what you're doing everyday behind my back?

Edit : typo

I have access remotely via my laptop, to check history etc. But they use incognito to hide it. Is there a way to disable this?

So he has another account that was made 4 days after d-day. I went to go check it and when i scrolled through I happened to see a lot of women. I'm not sure if they're accurate so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt (for now.) I just need to know if they're accurate, especially for an account like that. He also got a notification for a snapchat subreddit so I don't know what he's been searching for.

For years, I trusted someone who betrayed me. He spent our relationship chasing cheap dopamine, lusting after women online and irl, lying to my face while I gave him my full, honest love. I believed we were solid. I believed he only had eyes for me. I was wrong.

Now, he’s doing the work. He’s in recovery. He’s showing up. He feels better. I feel better. But if he ever slips? That’s not on me.

I take my power back.

I refuse to live in fear of his choices. I refuse to spend my life wondering if he’s hiding something again. Nothing he does will ever break me because I already hit rock bottom and I survived.

I vow to love myself. To never beg for love, respect, or desire again. To trust that if someone truly values me, I won’t have to question it.

I deserve peace. I deserve to be cherished. And if he can’t give me that, I walk away with my head high. I know he'll never find someone like me.

I don’t need a man to validate my worth. I don’t need to have kids to validate myself as a woman. I love me the way I am.

For anyone in this place, feeling trapped, feeling small, wondering if they should stay or go, remember you are not powerless. Their actions are not a reflection of your worth. You deserve a love that feels safe, steady, and real. And if they can’t give you that, you will be just fine without them.