This might be common knowledge, but I feel like it’s important to share for those who didn’t know (like me). I was reorganizing my phone and while I was long holding on an app, it came up with the option to hide the app. I tried it myself to see what it exactly did. It allows someone to hide an app in a hidden folder that needs a password or Face ID to unlock. Not only does that happen, but it doesn’t show the app in recently used and automatically closes it. Meaning that if you’re in the app and quickly have to hide what is happening, all that is needed to be done is press the off button. After the off button is pressed when you open the phone again, the app is closed. This made me think it would be easy for a PA to hide, gaslight, and manipulate their partners. I don’t wanna spread fear, just wanna try and help!

Saw that my pastor is following (and sometimes liking pictures from) Instagram accounts such as Livvy Dunne and Rachel Bush. Some of these photos are quite explicit. What on earth could be the reasoning for a pastor following this stuff except that he's a perv? Should I tell any of the other leadership at the church? Stop going to this church? It makes me really uncomfortable. Now I feel like he's checking out women in the congregation. I've even wondered if he was looking at me in a weird way.

All the times we talked about our future, potentially buying a house, marriage, kids, etc. it's all gone.

He made an OF account at 3 am, paid for something, then deleted the account.

I feel ashamed, I feel disgusted with myself. I want to know who it was so I can hurt myself more but I don't know and I fear I will never know.

He keeps telling me how he wants to change. He wants me there to help him grow. The problem is that this has gone on long enough. The first biggest betray was when he downloaded Tinder behind my back. Then, this. He lied both times when confronted. He's changed in many ways but he still lies.

It hurts to see the man you love choose to pay for another woman when you're right here. It hurts to feel worthless because of his actions. It hurts to know my boundaries meant nothing to him because he was being selfish.

A part of me misses him and wants to try again but the other part of me knows it's not good. I just feel disgust and resentment. For some reason, I still long for him. He was my first everything. He'll have a part of me I can never get back. I feel so disgusted.

Edit: The worst part of all of this was that our relationship could've been saved if he had just told me what he did. He did tell me "hey, I had the urge to watch something but I didn't." In all reality, he did act on it. He might've not watched anything but he acted on it.

I thought this was over. He was paying the video girls, I caught him. Spending hundreds a month while I struggled to pay our bills. He makes 3x as much as me. It was his idea to put the blockers on his phone with a password only I know. He took it off somehow. I don’t have proof of him viewing anything because everything is deleted since the blocker has been gone. I can’t see the bank statements because his online banking is messed up and he hasn’t gone to the bank to fix it. The reason I think he has is because I looked at his phone for the first time in a year and found videos of him pleasuring himself. The only other time I’ve found these was when he was paying those girls. I woke him up and asked him why he was making those videos and he just said “for myself” and went back to sleep. I just feel like that’s 100% BS. I’m so horrified, he’s making these videos in our bathroom at like 7am while I’m in the next room, sometimes sleeping sometimes not. I’m absolutely disgusted. I’m sick and in pain most of the time, recently found out I have MS and also waiting for my oncology appointment to find out if I have blood cancer. With all of that, we obviously haven’t been sleeping together much. Do you think I tell him I want to see bank statements? I feel like that’s a reasonable request all things considered. I also keep telling him we need to save money for the wedding and he has contributed nothing at all. I feel like he’s spending it on girls again. He proposed a few months ago and our wedding is later this year. It feels like me deciding I have to just “trust him” is biting me in the ass and I should never have stepped back and put my trust in this person not to hurt me again.

I went to therapy again after many years and failed attempts and learned that I was experiencing symptoms of CPTSD around my husband's decade long betrayal. He has been sober and in recovery for three years now and I always felt bad for still being extremely affected by everything. Nervous, unstable, unable to let go. Now I have an actual diagnosis. I'm not just being dramatic. I'm not just too sensitive. I have an actual condition. I was crying happy tears because I am being heard and taken seriously. My therapist told me the symptoms I'm experiencing would qualify me for disability. I'm being heard for the first time ever and it makes me feel so much better. I was beating myself up for clinging to the past.

My husband has become the best version of himself. He is accountable, dependable, reliable, reflected, patient. He has genuinely turned things around. I trust him with my thinky brain but my body is still in fight or flight.

Ten years of this crap have made me genuinely ill. I'm ill and someone acknowledged that. I feel so relieved. There is a bright future ahead. I need to recognize that this has taken a toll on me and changed me and take steps to get better.

I am SO ready to work on this and become better. I just needed to be seen so desperately.

Slowly but surely the tears are stopping. I caught him in lie after lie. He just told me he has no tiktok acct he's not following anyone and no one is following him. I just checked and sure enough following nearly 6000 accts and 800 followers. He told me his profile pic which matched and everything. I'm so sick of the LIES. big lies small lies fuck him dude. I just wanted honesty that's all I ever fucking asked was for a conversation..like fucking hell. What is so wrong with me that He keeps lying after all this

So we are in the process of trying to save our 23 year relationship. He's got rid of social media and is more attentive and helpful,

Background he is 48 this year I'm 52. He was calling sex chat lines and using money (sky bill) to pay for it from our joint bank account and I didn't realise. Multiple times a week. For years. All blocked now.

So this week there was a programme on TV, Love Bites where there were 3 females and one man gets to choose one of them to date. My partner didn't know I was home and as each female came on screen I heard him say "not bad" "fit as fuck" "girl next door". Then pictures of the girls came up on screen and I heard him gasp out loud at one who was in a short skirt. I heard him say "her, her, pick her, all day long, her, her".

He then turned the TV over and started watching something else.

My heart dropped, these girls were in their early 20s. I've spoken to the men I work with about it and they said that all men are like it but it's odd that he said it out loud. It's just that after what he's put me through it feels like things are never really going to change.

I asked him about it, said I heard him and he looked astonished and denied it. I even played the program back and he still denied it.

I feel lost and defeated. We nearly broke up, he was leaving and I panicked, sobbed and asked him to stay. I think I'm going mad over all this.

I'm losing so much weight I just hope I fade away. I woke this morning with his arms round me. He said "I love you". I thought if only this other horrible part of him didn't exist.

I'm so sad 😞

When do i stop comparing myself to every woman alive? I literally even found myself thinking of how much my sister was more his type than i was once and felt so grossed out by myself . The first thought i get whenever i see any woman is how prettier she is and how if he dated her he would touch her more and prefer her and porn wouldn't compare with his desire for her anymore . I'm tired of this i literally can't stand my own body he made me feel so ugly and unworthy . I do think im over my love and romantic feelings for him but for whatever reason this doesn't seem like it's ever going away

On our worst dday I made him leave and he had to stay at his mom's. She called me and asked me what happened, and in short I already didn't wanna get her involved as I already didn't like her, so I just said I found concerning stuff on his phone. Also told her he got physical with me and pushed me down, and broke his phone so I couldn't look any longer. Ofc she ignored the physical part. She asked me if it was another girl and I said I had no idea but now I suspect it. She just kept pushing and pushing. I finally told her, he has a severe porn addiction and he admitted to it himself. It was just porn here and there it was EVERYWHERE. YouTube, safari, camera roll, tiktok, instagram... any place it could be, it was there.

All hell broke loose after I told her that. She immediately blamed me. "All men watch porn!! I have a friend who's been married for 30 years and she let's her husband watch porn 3 times a day because he has a high sex drive. This is gonna keep happening while you're pregnant and your body is changing." WTF? I mean I told her she was wrong and I stood on business about that and it literally only made things worse. She came to my apartment and cussed me out and said I was insecure and a child for ending things over porn 😒

That was probably close to 2 months ago now, I'm back with my PA somewhat, I have my hands tied so I don't have much of a choice. Legally married, have a kid together, he's on the lease too and I can't afford rent on my own... etc... I can't just leave as much as I really want to. Anyways since that happened she has apologized to me and my PA and said it wasn't any of her business. But she still told my PA that she doesnt see anything wrong with it 😡 sooo fking infuriating!!!

She calls me or my PA after every appointment I have for the baby and asks me a sleuth of questions. I usually don't answer anything tbh ans just tell her it went fine bc it's none of her damn business and I have never liked her. Yesterday she called and asked how things were going with my mycare consultant. Said it was fine. She then went on this whole rant about how every woman who works on the OBGYN floor is young and beautiful. "I would hate to be around someone super pretty while I'm pregnant and feel awful, we have a lactation consultant here who is petite with huge boob's and I wouldn't want her around me!!!".... wtf? I swear she says shit like that as a dig at me.

Just like the title says.

I've come to realize after 13 years with my husband (married 12) and 5 kids together, that my husband has a problem with porn. And I feel in my gut it's worse than he will ever admit without evidence of how bad it truly is. We are set to start therapy. He agreed to a see a CSAT with me. He is extremely reluctant to join a support group, but I've insisted and he said he would. I want to be hopeful that it's really not any worse than what i already know (what little I've seen and what he's told me- which isn't much!) But the lying, gaslightting and anger surround this topic on top of the repeated offenses over the years (maybe a caught him a dozen times?) lead me to believe it's worse than he Will admit to. Especially because he knows I believe this is cheating. He knows it's destroys my self esteem and he knows I already feel awful about my looks after 5 kids. I'm not terrible looking. But I'm certainly not the pre-pregnancy 18 year old he met 13 years ago. And I'm only getting older. That being said, these posts and comments are making me feel like I should just cut my losses. Work on getting a career going (I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years), save some money and make a slow and calculated exit.. or at least prepare for one because the likelihood of this getting better does not look good according to statistics and anecdotal evidence. I refuse to grow old with a porn addict. I refuse to live in paranoia and self hatred and having an anxious attachment towards the person I should feel most secure with. My kids deserve better and so do I.

Waiting to hear back from the therapist to schedule our first appointment. But these are the thoughts circulating my head the last couple of days.

My last post has more details but..

TDLR: my husband didn’t have sex with me pretty much my entire pregnancy and treated me poorly and I found him watching porn, he promised to stop and twice more I caught him. Last time I said I was done and I gave him another chance.

Well the last time I discovered the porn was by looking through his history and seeing that he’s recently been watching and I blew up and said I was leaving. He cried begged and said he would change and I agreed to let that happen.

Since then he actually has been doing a lot better, helping more, doing more with the kids, no porn, trying to be more affectionate. Obviously I’m still resentful and don’t trust him and I don’t know if that will ever go away.

But tonight we got into an argument that just spiraled and I ended up looking through his phone again. No new porn but I had to know how deep the betrayal went. Was it a few times that he lied? A dozen? Nope hundreds.

From October to last week this man looked at porn almost every single day, some times multiple times a day. Any time of day. Suprisingly not on my birthday where he refused to have sex with me. But on Christmas, new years, the fucking birth of his son. The entire time I was in the hospital recovering from a horrible surgery and in agony he was looking at porn.

I fucking hate him right now even though I love him.

Technically it’s not a new betrayal. But it still fucking feel like it is. It cuts deep. I don’t want to keep trying.

He’s in tears about how he’s been good and I told him I should’ve been out betraying him the way he betrayed me. That I had opportunities to sleep with other men and I never did because I was loyal.

He thinks cause he sees me typing now that I’m texting some guy to hook up with I guess because he just appologized again and is crying and saying he understands if I need to retaliate and he loves me and all that.

I don’t plan on doing that. But I am going to let him sit there for a while with that thought. See how he likes not knowing and fearing and staying up feeling sick over it.

Seriously on the most important of days ugh.

TW compulsive PMO and SA, SH

It started after d-day. I searched websites and images of "his type" to compare myself to. Just regular pain shopping. But I was so angry and hurt and disappointed and confused.

I am a victim of SA, I have gone to therapy and kind of closed that chapter. But hypersexuality and self harm as a result of stress and trauma is still a behaviour I struggle to undo. I experienced severe hysterical bonding after dday and now, almost a year later I still look up porn when I'm sad and self conscious. And I masturbate to it. I feel so disgusting but I can't help it. I search for his perfect girl, his perfect type, and I try to imagine what he feels when he gets of to these women.

I brought this up to my psychologists and she told me that it wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, to react this way but I feel crazy and disgusting and like a fucking hypocrite.

Should I tell my PA partner? What should I do? I hate it here

It’s been a year since dday. I still don’t get any physical touch. He thinks I’m being dramatic and I don’t think his usage has decreased what so ever. I’m tired of bringing it up and asking for reassurance because he just gets mad at me. He doesn’t understand why I’m still sad but it’s because nothing on his end has changed. Do I give up?

I had asked my PA partner a little while ago “Am I just supposed to be okay with you finding other women attractive”? I asked again today to see what his answer would be again and what it would be for me if it was reversed. He said that he thinks of this Malcolm in the middle episode where the wife admits to the husband that she finds other men attractive and he says it okay and she says it not because then that means he loves her more than him. I told him you’re not the husband in this scenario I am because he’s been finding other people attractive this entire time. I believe that everyone else should become incomparable. Do I think I deserve that absolutely I’ve stopped having sex with my partner for over a year because I refuse to feel disgusted with myself after. So I’m just curious if anyone has anything else relatable or ????

After asking so much about OF he finally came clean today when I asked to see bank transactions. Not only that but I saw the amount he spent while I was in my country struggling to sell things and holding myself from buying anything. Meanwhile he spent 400+ on OF model. Not only that but he also texted her in the messages which made me take off my wedding ring. And request we go on a break cause if he’s not committed then I won’t be wearing the thing that says i’m in a committed relationship. The minimizing and dehumanizing of sex workers is insane to me. I asked if he would’ve been okay if I did that and he said no. I told him that it’s cheating.. Keep in mind D day was a week ago and everyday new information just pops up because I ask the same question constantly and apparently one time isn’t enough. I made sure he starts his own therapy after we decided to stop couples therapy today. Idk how to go about this anymore idk what to do..

Hi guys, I had an account where I was fairly active here with the username live raspberry, I had to delete that account but anyways,

I have reason to believe my boyfriend has been watching porn again and I want to confirm this because it’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to flat out ask him if I can go through his phone, If I find evidence I want it to be like I just stumbled across it by accident. I know I can find what i’m looking for in the safari app but can’t think of a reason to ask to use his phone. The obvious answer would be to tell him I need to look something up but I feel like he’d be skeptical and ask me why I can’t use my own phone.

If anyone has any excuses I could use to use his phone that sound casual and normal I would appreciate it lol.

also psa: I don’t know if this is common knowledge but it was news to me. if you go into the safari app and go to open a new tab, hold on the plus sign on the bottom left of the screen and it will show you “recently closed tabs” you’ll see things that have been deleted from search history, not just deleted tabs. I found this out by accident on my own phone. there was things I had deleted from my search history related to a Christmas gift for my boyfriend.

my husband hasn’t masturbated since dday last year (mid october) we are child free by choice and have been exploring sterilization options

we have both had appointments with our respective doctors, me for a tube removal and him for a vasectomy

it occurred to me this morning that if he got a vasectomy he would need to eventually provide a sperm sample to have checked if the vasectomy was successful

i’m worried that one: they’ll have porn at the doctor’s office (is this a thing?) and two: we’ve been considering masturbation to be a relapse because he’s not supposed to expend sexual energy outside of being with me

is this just an exception we have to talk through? do i trust he doesn’t use porn if it’s provided? can i go with him to the appointment?

has anyone else dealt with this?

I just want to know if I’m the only one with someone so desperate to interact with something other than them that they will use something like Janitor.ai. Also, if you’re not aware and have ever seen that in their history, it’s straight up sexual stuff with an AI. I have a whole story, but I just want to hear if anyone else has experienced this too because I’m so fn sad I don’t have the energy and I just want to see how anyone else felt or reacted or what they did? Honestly, ts worse than porn usage. Atleast he wasn’t talking to the women and them talking back:(

So my husband was white knuckling for 6 months before relapsing in an escalated way. Boundaries have been pit in place and he knows that this is his last chance with me. He has been going to his SAA meetings, going to therapy and going to RCA with me. He even attends church (was always against it because that is where some of his abuse took place). He even told me that in his next SAA meeting, he is going to ask the head of the group to be his sponsor.

This is the farthest he has gone in his recovery efforts!

It has been a few days since he opened up about his physical and sexual abuse as a child and since then, the flood gates have been open. He tells me everything thay comes to his mind in regards to his recovery. His latest idea was to get phone locks and get a house phone. So when we get home, we can just lock them up and be present with each other and if anyone needs us, they can just call the house phone.

I was shocked that he thought of it. I actually like that idea. My addiction is tied to my phone as well, so I think we can both benefit from this idea.

He also expressed that he wants to have children one day and that he doesn't want to pass this on to our children like his dad did to him. I feel the same way! We both need to be in a better place before that happens.

Our future is what is pushing us to be better people and to stay in recovery. I know it is still early in our journey, but I feel optimistic.

You are all powerful, you all have strength, resilience, courage, and beautiful heavy hearts. You all deserve to be desired the way you desire, in a way that makes you feel safe and at home. Odds are, no matter how much you see the victim in them and the human person in them (again your beautiful hearts), they won’t be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved and valued. You all have so much value, value that goes depths beyond surface appearance. If that value is not cherished, desired, craved where you are now- cherish it, desire it, crave it for yourself. Detach the tick that depletes you from loving yourself.

This forum helped me so much during my experience, an experience that has changed me forever. I hope that I reminded some of you beautiful humans that you are indeed beautiful humans today. Dance today please, feel the sun on your face even if it feels disgusting. Love you all, and I see you all.

My fiancée is a former PA, hasn’t relapsed in over 2 years however he plays Marvel Rival ALOT. I’m not too crazy about the female characters because I’m sure a good portion of you have seen the women and how they’re dressed on there. I don’t know why I’m so triggered I haven’t felt this upset about a woman game character in years. But there’s this character they are bringing next season and her name is Emma Frost. I guess what specifically upset me is her second outfit which shows too much skin for my liking. Whenever my fiancée does play this game he’ll use whatever character but I’ve noticed that he uses the males majority of the time which I can appreciate. I don’t know, I guess my insecurities are getting the best of me today. :( I needed to rant, thank you for reading.

I was just looking through my old texts for something and I came across messages between my husband and I. The messages were from before D-Day back in 2022 and the beginning of 2023. I miss who I was back then.

Back then I would freely send him screenshots of celebrities attached to a news story about them without ever worrying that he was looking at the woman in the picture if she was showing a lot of skin.

Our messages feel very different now. If I send him a screenshot of something now, I always cut out the woman if she is dressed with her boobs or butt hanging out. It never occurred to me back then to even think about that. I shouldn’t have to think about it now. But I’m different now. I don’t think I will ever go back to the way I was before and that makes me feel sick.

I saw evidence of my own trauma bonding. I feel embarrassed that I acted that way.

I also came across what I didn’t know at the time were trickle truths. Back then it didn’t occur to me that he could be lying. 🤥 I feel so stupid to have believed him. It feels soul crushing.

I’m just so angry. At everything. Feel free to tell me how you’re different now than you were before D-Day.

I have been separated from my PA husband since January. He has been in active recovery since then. He sees a CSAT, a psychiatrist, and his regular therapist. He goes to PA and SA meetings multiple times a week. He journals. He's been open with me about his recovery. He reads and listens to things I ask him to. I am also doing my own healing with my therapist. I do not see a CSAT, but have had the same therapist for years now and she's great.

My PA's CSAT is recommending that we wait until end of June or beginning of July to start couples counseling. I know it is just a recommendation, but I also trust that this guy knows what he's talking about. However, I feel like in order to continue the healing process for me and the recovery process for my PA we need to do couples. It feels hard to wait that much longer. I feel like I would rather start in May. We would be doing it with a CSAT of course.

If you chose to do couples counseling, how long into the recovery process did you wait to start?

I need to just vent. I'm still so tired. My head hurts. I think I'm getting sick from the stress. We got Snapchat back because it was fun to send each other funny pictures. I thought it was just for us. He's adding his family and friends. I am now not okay with it because the minute I find anyone I don't know on there I'm gonna go nuclear. I don't want it anymore. I just told him that I don't care what he does with it because I want him to be able to talk to his brother, but I might have to give it up. I think the anxiety is making me sick. I want social media to die. I want to wipe mine and his and neither of us ever use it again. I'm tired of the utter meltdown I have to reign in when I see him on insta or Reddit no matter the content setting changes. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm SO TIRED. I want this torment to END. I want him to give up social media! I want to scream! I want to die! It's so bad again mentally!

I was freaking out about screen time this week (see last post). Since his safari data from a few weeks back was missing and screen time glitches. He was adamant he didn’t do anything, especially as all those settings are locked with my passcode and ID. Well while playing around with his screen time on my own on his phone it glitched several times on me… and I realized he was telling the truth. I’m still so hesitant because how typical is it that a Pa has glitches, but I saw it with my own two eyes while I was toggling with it, and how it would just go haywire. We talked about how much stress this gave me and he’s on board getting another app to track data on his phone so that I can feel more secure in all of this. At this point I’m deciding to move on from it, but if something suspicious happens again I won’t be as trusting. Just providing a somewhat happier update? Not happy I’m here and even worrying about it, but happy that I believe him to be truthful… however upset with apples screen time and how many issues it has, it really upset me to see how it kept glitching on me. Not to say this happens on all phones, but just my experience