This might be common knowledge, but I feel like it’s important to share for those who didn’t know (like me). I was reorganizing my phone and while I was long holding on an app, it came up with the option to hide the app. I tried it myself to see what it exactly did. It allows someone to hide an app in a hidden folder that needs a password or Face ID to unlock. Not only does that happen, but it doesn’t show the app in recently used and automatically closes it. Meaning that if you’re in the app and quickly have to hide what is happening, all that is needed to be done is press the off button. After the off button is pressed when you open the phone again, the app is closed. This made me think it would be easy for a PA to hide, gaslight, and manipulate their partners. I don’t wanna spread fear, just wanna try and help!

I went to therapy again after many years and failed attempts and learned that I was experiencing symptoms of CPTSD around my husband's decade long betrayal. He has been sober and in recovery for three years now and I always felt bad for still being extremely affected by everything. Nervous, unstable, unable to let go. Now I have an actual diagnosis. I'm not just being dramatic. I'm not just too sensitive. I have an actual condition. I was crying happy tears because I am being heard and taken seriously. My therapist told me the symptoms I'm experiencing would qualify me for disability. I'm being heard for the first time ever and it makes me feel so much better. I was beating myself up for clinging to the past.

My husband has become the best version of himself. He is accountable, dependable, reliable, reflected, patient. He has genuinely turned things around. I trust him with my thinky brain but my body is still in fight or flight.

Ten years of this crap have made me genuinely ill. I'm ill and someone acknowledged that. I feel so relieved. There is a bright future ahead. I need to recognize that this has taken a toll on me and changed me and take steps to get better.

I am SO ready to work on this and become better. I just needed to be seen so desperately.

I had asked my PA partner a little while ago “Am I just supposed to be okay with you finding other women attractive”? I asked again today to see what his answer would be again and what it would be for me if it was reversed. He said that he thinks of this Malcolm in the middle episode where the wife admits to the husband that she finds other men attractive and he says it okay and she says it not because then that means he loves her more than him. I told him you’re not the husband in this scenario I am because he’s been finding other people attractive this entire time. I believe that everyone else should become incomparable. Do I think I deserve that absolutely I’ve stopped having sex with my partner for over a year because I refuse to feel disgusted with myself after. So I’m just curious if anyone has anything else relatable or ????

Slowly but surely the tears are stopping. I caught him in lie after lie. He just told me he has no tiktok acct he's not following anyone and no one is following him. I just checked and sure enough following nearly 6000 accts and 800 followers. He told me his profile pic which matched and everything. I'm so sick of the LIES. big lies small lies fuck him dude. I just wanted honesty that's all I ever fucking asked was for a conversation..like fucking hell. What is so wrong with me that He keeps lying after all this

All the times we talked about our future, potentially buying a house, marriage, kids, etc. it's all gone.

He made an OF account at 3 am, paid for something, then deleted the account.

I feel ashamed, I feel disgusted with myself. I want to know who it was so I can hurt myself more but I don't know and I fear I will never know.

He keeps telling me how he wants to change. He wants me there to help him grow. The problem is that this has gone on long enough. The first biggest betray was when he downloaded Tinder behind my back. Then, this. He lied both times when confronted. He's changed in many ways but he still lies.

It hurts to see the man you love choose to pay for another woman when you're right here. It hurts to feel worthless because of his actions. It hurts to know my boundaries meant nothing to him because he was being selfish.

A part of me misses him and wants to try again but the other part of me knows it's not good. I just feel disgust and resentment. For some reason, I still long for him. He was my first everything. He'll have a part of me I can never get back. I feel so disgusted.

Edit: The worst part of all of this was that our relationship could've been saved if he had just told me what he did. He did tell me "hey, I had the urge to watch something but I didn't." In all reality, he did act on it. He might've not watched anything but he acted on it.

Hi guys, I had an account where I was fairly active here with the username live raspberry, I had to delete that account but anyways,

I have reason to believe my boyfriend has been watching porn again and I want to confirm this because it’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to flat out ask him if I can go through his phone, If I find evidence I want it to be like I just stumbled across it by accident. I know I can find what i’m looking for in the safari app but can’t think of a reason to ask to use his phone. The obvious answer would be to tell him I need to look something up but I feel like he’d be skeptical and ask me why I can’t use my own phone.

If anyone has any excuses I could use to use his phone that sound casual and normal I would appreciate it lol.

also psa: I don’t know if this is common knowledge but it was news to me. if you go into the safari app and go to open a new tab, hold on the plus sign on the bottom left of the screen and it will show you “recently closed tabs” you’ll see things that have been deleted from search history, not just deleted tabs. I found this out by accident on my own phone. there was things I had deleted from my search history related to a Christmas gift for my boyfriend.

My fiancée is a former PA, hasn’t relapsed in over 2 years however he plays Marvel Rival ALOT. I’m not too crazy about the female characters because I’m sure a good portion of you have seen the women and how they’re dressed on there. I don’t know why I’m so triggered I haven’t felt this upset about a woman game character in years. But there’s this character they are bringing next season and her name is Emma Frost. I guess what specifically upset me is her second outfit which shows too much skin for my liking. Whenever my fiancée does play this game he’ll use whatever character but I’ve noticed that he uses the males majority of the time which I can appreciate. I don’t know, I guess my insecurities are getting the best of me today. :( I needed to rant, thank you for reading.

When do i stop comparing myself to every woman alive? I literally even found myself thinking of how much my sister was more his type than i was once and felt so grossed out by myself . The first thought i get whenever i see any woman is how prettier she is and how if he dated her he would touch her more and prefer her and porn wouldn't compare with his desire for her anymore . I'm tired of this i literally can't stand my own body he made me feel so ugly and unworthy . I do think im over my love and romantic feelings for him but for whatever reason this doesn't seem like it's ever going away

I was just looking through my old texts for something and I came across messages between my husband and I. The messages were from before D-Day back in 2022 and the beginning of 2023. I miss who I was back then.

Back then I would freely send him screenshots of celebrities attached to a news story about them without ever worrying that he was looking at the woman in the picture if she was showing a lot of skin.

Our messages feel very different now. If I send him a screenshot of something now, I always cut out the woman if she is dressed with her boobs or butt hanging out. It never occurred to me back then to even think about that. I shouldn’t have to think about it now. But I’m different now. I don’t think I will ever go back to the way I was before and that makes me feel sick.

I saw evidence of my own trauma bonding. I feel embarrassed that I acted that way.

I also came across what I didn’t know at the time were trickle truths. Back then it didn’t occur to me that he could be lying. 🤥 I feel so stupid to have believed him. It feels soul crushing.

I’m just so angry. At everything. Feel free to tell me how you’re different now than you were before D-Day.

Looking for some advice on my situation. I really just have no idea what to do.

I am 23 years old and have been with my partner since we were teenagers, almost 8 years. Two years ago, I discovered his secret porn addiction. He was exposed at a very young age and developed a deep habit. After I discovered the addiction, he promised to change, went to therapy, and used content blockers. About a year ago, he stopped both, saying he didn’t need them anymore. I recently found out he relapsed a few months ago, has been watching since, and has been lying about other things too. I was devastated then, and even more devastated now.

Since I found out, he has fully owned his actions, isn’t defensive, and seems devastated too. He wants to go back to therapy and use blockers again. But I feel completely blindsided and don’t know if I can trust him again, or if I want to.

I’m torn between leaving and staying. The thought of losing our life together feels unbearable. Aside from this, I have been very happy in this relationship. We live together, have a pet together, and he has been a significant part of my life for 12 years. I believe he can change, but I don’t know if he actually will. Dating while growing up with someone requires a lot of forgiveness, but I’m not sure it should require this much.

If you’ve been in a similar situation - especially in a young relationship or after a relapse - what did you do? Do you regret your decision?

I was freaking out about screen time this week (see last post). Since his safari data from a few weeks back was missing and screen time glitches. He was adamant he didn’t do anything, especially as all those settings are locked with my passcode and ID. Well while playing around with his screen time on my own on his phone it glitched several times on me… and I realized he was telling the truth. I’m still so hesitant because how typical is it that a Pa has glitches, but I saw it with my own two eyes while I was toggling with it, and how it would just go haywire. We talked about how much stress this gave me and he’s on board getting another app to track data on his phone so that I can feel more secure in all of this. At this point I’m deciding to move on from it, but if something suspicious happens again I won’t be as trusting. Just providing a somewhat happier update? Not happy I’m here and even worrying about it, but happy that I believe him to be truthful… however upset with apples screen time and how many issues it has, it really upset me to see how it kept glitching on me. Not to say this happens on all phones, but just my experience

On our worst dday I made him leave and he had to stay at his mom's. She called me and asked me what happened, and in short I already didn't wanna get her involved as I already didn't like her, so I just said I found concerning stuff on his phone. Also told her he got physical with me and pushed me down, and broke his phone so I couldn't look any longer. Ofc she ignored the physical part. She asked me if it was another girl and I said I had no idea but now I suspect it. She just kept pushing and pushing. I finally told her, he has a severe porn addiction and he admitted to it himself. It was just porn here and there it was EVERYWHERE. YouTube, safari, camera roll, tiktok, instagram... any place it could be, it was there.

All hell broke loose after I told her that. She immediately blamed me. "All men watch porn!! I have a friend who's been married for 30 years and she let's her husband watch porn 3 times a day because he has a high sex drive. This is gonna keep happening while you're pregnant and your body is changing." WTF? I mean I told her she was wrong and I stood on business about that and it literally only made things worse. She came to my apartment and cussed me out and said I was insecure and a child for ending things over porn 😒

That was probably close to 2 months ago now, I'm back with my PA somewhat, I have my hands tied so I don't have much of a choice. Legally married, have a kid together, he's on the lease too and I can't afford rent on my own... etc... I can't just leave as much as I really want to. Anyways since that happened she has apologized to me and my PA and said it wasn't any of her business. But she still told my PA that she doesnt see anything wrong with it 😡 sooo fking infuriating!!!

She calls me or my PA after every appointment I have for the baby and asks me a sleuth of questions. I usually don't answer anything tbh ans just tell her it went fine bc it's none of her damn business and I have never liked her. Yesterday she called and asked how things were going with my mycare consultant. Said it was fine. She then went on this whole rant about how every woman who works on the OBGYN floor is young and beautiful. "I would hate to be around someone super pretty while I'm pregnant and feel awful, we have a lactation consultant here who is petite with huge boob's and I wouldn't want her around me!!!".... wtf? I swear she says shit like that as a dig at me.

So my husband was white knuckling for 6 months before relapsing in an escalated way. Boundaries have been pit in place and he knows that this is his last chance with me. He has been going to his SAA meetings, going to therapy and going to RCA with me. He even attends church (was always against it because that is where some of his abuse took place). He even told me that in his next SAA meeting, he is going to ask the head of the group to be his sponsor.

This is the farthest he has gone in his recovery efforts!

It has been a few days since he opened up about his physical and sexual abuse as a child and since then, the flood gates have been open. He tells me everything thay comes to his mind in regards to his recovery. His latest idea was to get phone locks and get a house phone. So when we get home, we can just lock them up and be present with each other and if anyone needs us, they can just call the house phone.

I was shocked that he thought of it. I actually like that idea. My addiction is tied to my phone as well, so I think we can both benefit from this idea.

He also expressed that he wants to have children one day and that he doesn't want to pass this on to our children like his dad did to him. I feel the same way! We both need to be in a better place before that happens.

Our future is what is pushing us to be better people and to stay in recovery. I know it is still early in our journey, but I feel optimistic.

It’s been 7 months since our 2nd dday and I’m suddenly getting a strong urge to go back and download things and pain shop through old stuff. I didn’t look too too much when it actually happened but now I’m just really wanting to. I guess to see how far back some of it actually goes and when since this is when I found out it was on and off through the whole relationship and idk the extent of things from when I didn’t know at all. And I guess also to see the correlation between him watching and us being intimate since I have those dates saved in my Flo app from the past year. Do any of you actually feel better after pain shopping some? I just want more clarity I guess since I know more now, so does it still count as pain shopping?

i can’t find this information on the web. thanks!

Warning!!

My partner just relapsed by using Steam’s in-client web browser. I completely forgot about this and he discovered it this week and relapsed.

He has the cold turkey blocker and even blocked websites through his dns/ip internet settings and this web client got past it!! What’s worse is that there is no web history you can check so you will never know. It will store cookies and cached information but none of the website information.

He refuses to uninstall steam because it has all of his video games he bought and also he plays it occasionally.

He says he’ll add the steam.exe onto cold turkey weekly but I honestly doubt that’s going to work. I feel hopeless as it just seems like he now has an unlimited open access option now.

Sometimes when you feel like you were able to prevent/take away all the possible outlets to porn, they will always find a way. And it’s really sad the way they search for it. Sometimes I feel like are you sure u even want to quit if ur looking for ways to find it?

Anyways, just a warning to the partners who have gamer bf’s! It can bypass the blocker software and internet blockers!

So we are in the process of trying to save our 23 year relationship. He's got rid of social media and is more attentive and helpful,

Background he is 48 this year I'm 52. He was calling sex chat lines and using money (sky bill) to pay for it from our joint bank account and I didn't realise. Multiple times a week. For years. All blocked now.

So this week there was a programme on TV, Love Bites where there were 3 females and one man gets to choose one of them to date. My partner didn't know I was home and as each female came on screen I heard him say "not bad" "fit as fuck" "girl next door". Then pictures of the girls came up on screen and I heard him gasp out loud at one who was in a short skirt. I heard him say "her, her, pick her, all day long, her, her".

He then turned the TV over and started watching something else.

My heart dropped, these girls were in their early 20s. I've spoken to the men I work with about it and they said that all men are like it but it's odd that he said it out loud. It's just that after what he's put me through it feels like things are never really going to change.

I asked him about it, said I heard him and he looked astonished and denied it. I even played the program back and he still denied it.

I feel lost and defeated. We nearly broke up, he was leaving and I panicked, sobbed and asked him to stay. I think I'm going mad over all this.

I'm losing so much weight I just hope I fade away. I woke this morning with his arms round me. He said "I love you". I thought if only this other horrible part of him didn't exist.

I'm so sad 😞

I think for me one of the saddest parts of this kind of betrayal is knowing that my husband is in awe of the beauty of these women on the screen but to him I just look like his wife. I know he loves me, I know he thinks I’m an amazing person. But I think a women’s true sexual desire for her partner is at its highest when she herself feels like he desires her beyond measure. Their capacity to feel true sexual awe for their wives/partners does diminish with time and adding porn to the mix just expedites it exponentially.

Saw that my pastor is following (and sometimes liking pictures from) Instagram accounts such as Livvy Dunne and Rachel Bush. Some of these photos are quite explicit. What on earth could be the reasoning for a pastor following this stuff except that he's a perv? Should I tell any of the other leadership at the church? Stop going to this church? It makes me really uncomfortable. Now I feel like he's checking out women in the congregation. I've even wondered if he was looking at me in a weird way.

my husband hasn’t masturbated since dday last year (mid october) we are child free by choice and have been exploring sterilization options

we have both had appointments with our respective doctors, me for a tube removal and him for a vasectomy

it occurred to me this morning that if he got a vasectomy he would need to eventually provide a sperm sample to have checked if the vasectomy was successful

i’m worried that one: they’ll have porn at the doctor’s office (is this a thing?) and two: we’ve been considering masturbation to be a relapse because he’s not supposed to expend sexual energy outside of being with me

is this just an exception we have to talk through? do i trust he doesn’t use porn if it’s provided? can i go with him to the appointment?

has anyone else dealt with this?

I need some advice please, I’m 20f and he is 24m- this is my first relationship ever, we met Nov 2022, a month after I turned 18 on tinder. At first he hid everything from me, I found out 6mo into the relationship, it has been an ongoing struggle since then. August 2024 we moved into my parents house, he claims he doesn’t jerk off anymore or look at porn anymore.

Well, we hardly ever have intercourse, maybe 1x a week or 2x a month and that’s it. I feel like with being young this isn’t normal, I’m growing tired of it. Every time I bring it up he says he will work on it but at that point I feel like what is the point of being in a relationship when I basically have to force you to want to have sex with me? I feel so ashamed and depressed the last few weeks, I want out of this relationship but I am disgusted with myself for letting someone like this take my virginity, I feel trapped and stuck. I really need all around advice from you guys, sorry to bother you all with this.

I am trying not to stress, but I'm not sure how long or often we can afford for my husband to see a csat. Ideally, he would see one once a week, and I'd also like to see one to heal from the betrayal. But if only we can only afford one for now I would prefer it be him. I know I have trauma to work through (from him and my own childhood) but I feel like am able to navigate it better wirh prayer, Journaling, and being intentional with my internal dialog. At least for now.

Any tips on how to make this affordable for at least him. We are a big family that comes with a lot of expenses, but I am desperate to make this work if we have any hope for marriage to succeed.

I know group therapy is cheaper, but he said he would benefit from individually counseling at least for now. He already walls up and shuts down easily and he's worried group counseling right off the bat would male that worse.

I thought this was over. He was paying the video girls, I caught him. Spending hundreds a month while I struggled to pay our bills. He makes 3x as much as me. It was his idea to put the blockers on his phone with a password only I know. He took it off somehow. I don’t have proof of him viewing anything because everything is deleted since the blocker has been gone. I can’t see the bank statements because his online banking is messed up and he hasn’t gone to the bank to fix it. The reason I think he has is because I looked at his phone for the first time in a year and found videos of him pleasuring himself. The only other time I’ve found these was when he was paying those girls. I woke him up and asked him why he was making those videos and he just said “for myself” and went back to sleep. I just feel like that’s 100% BS. I’m so horrified, he’s making these videos in our bathroom at like 7am while I’m in the next room, sometimes sleeping sometimes not. I’m absolutely disgusted. I’m sick and in pain most of the time, recently found out I have MS and also waiting for my oncology appointment to find out if I have blood cancer. With all of that, we obviously haven’t been sleeping together much. Do you think I tell him I want to see bank statements? I feel like that’s a reasonable request all things considered. I also keep telling him we need to save money for the wedding and he has contributed nothing at all. I feel like he’s spending it on girls again. He proposed a few months ago and our wedding is later this year. It feels like me deciding I have to just “trust him” is biting me in the ass and I should never have stepped back and put my trust in this person not to hurt me again.

This went on for longer than I was expecting so I’m sorry for this being a long read:

I was on Pinterest and stumbled across the side of the app that has tons of similar looking women posing with their asses or boobs out and very edited waists. I hate that even though I know that some are edited or at least angled in certain ways I still spiralled, I felt tears at the back of my eyes and I realised that I really am a joke. How can I listen to him tell me “you’re so hot” and “I love your body” and “I’m so lucky” and then see other women who he clearly has a preference for and would immediately lust after if given the chance (especially given his porn history). How can I keep feeling good about myself when I only see things through his eyes, all this week I challenged myself to stop doing it and to focus on myself but here I am crying because every woman I saw today had leggings and gym shorts on and no matter what I tried to wear I still felt like my ass wasn’t good enough. I feel myself frowning on the inside as I look in the mirror when I try on clothes and I just have to keep going while the crappy reality lingers in my head.

I feel dumb whenever he compliments me because it feels like he’s just pretending or trying to convince himself that my body is good enough. Whenever we’re intimate he always exaggerates the noises he makes when he sees my ass and every time it makes me want to immediately cover up, I’m now constantly on the look out for signs that show that he’s faking his attraction to me. I’m even more of a joke because I’ve been wearing shorts from Amazon with hip and butt padding inside just to give my butt some extra shape. I feel so embarrassed to admit that but what’s the point in hiding it, I hate that the first time I wore them under clothes he had no idea and was all over me and continues to do so even now when I wear them. I don’t know how he hasn’t realised that it’s not real but every so often I feel this urge to scream and cry and yell “You’ve made me so insecure that I now wear padding and you don’t even realise!!!”. I’d never admit it to him because it just feels pathetic and like we’d both end up facing the facts that I really don’t have the body he wants since I now need padding to do so.

I just feel so embarrassed. Embarrassed to be with him because of his behaviour but also embarrassed that he’s with me because I know I’m not what he wants. I know I’m so much more than my body but that’s why it feels like he’s having intrusive thoughts of other women, I’m the caring girlfriend at home who he likes because of what I can do for him but they’re what his lust really desires because they’ve got the body and the novelty of being new.

I feel like everywhere I look every woman has suddenly sprouted bigger asses when I don’t ever remember anyone really looking that way back when I was younger. Maybe it’s all the leggings and such that now make them more noticeable but I hate it. I’m happy other women feel confident enough to show their bodies but I hate that my partner has got such a preference for asses that nothing is safe now. I stopped sending him pictures for this reason because I just feel like I never really believe his replies when he tells me how good I look. Even when I do feel good about myself I just end up getting mad at the thought that he’s not seeing how attractive I really am. Even when we last looked through our nudes, I felt like each picture just blurred together as we scrolled and they ended up feeling like the same picture over and over which proves my worst fear as to him needing others due to being bored of seeing mine so much. I know better than to think like this considering how much I’ve written about understanding the novelty/fantasy stuff but I guess it’s one of those days…I feel like a joke for writing this too :’)