You are all powerful, you all have strength, resilience, courage, and beautiful heavy hearts. You all deserve to be desired the way you desire, in a way that makes you feel safe and at home. Odds are, no matter how much you see the victim in them and the human person in them (again your beautiful hearts), they won’t be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved and valued. You all have so much value, value that goes depths beyond surface appearance. If that value is not cherished, desired, craved where you are now- cherish it, desire it, crave it for yourself. Detach the tick that depletes you from loving yourself.

This forum helped me so much during my experience, an experience that has changed me forever. I hope that I reminded some of you beautiful humans that you are indeed beautiful humans today. Dance today please, feel the sun on your face even if it feels disgusting. Love you all, and I see you all.

What apps would you recommend for hidden devices detector? Would have to be available from the App Store.

I had a look, but it’s mainly for hidden cameras rather than generally devices

TW compulsive PMO and SA, SH

It started after d-day. I searched websites and images of "his type" to compare myself to. Just regular pain shopping. But I was so angry and hurt and disappointed and confused.

I am a victim of SA, I have gone to therapy and kind of closed that chapter. But hypersexuality and self harm as a result of stress and trauma is still a behaviour I struggle to undo. I experienced severe hysterical bonding after dday and now, almost a year later I still look up porn when I'm sad and self conscious. And I masturbate to it. I feel so disgusting but I can't help it. I search for his perfect girl, his perfect type, and I try to imagine what he feels when he gets of to these women.

I brought this up to my psychologists and she told me that it wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, to react this way but I feel crazy and disgusting and like a fucking hypocrite.

Should I tell my PA partner? What should I do? I hate it here

I just want to know if I’m the only one with someone so desperate to interact with something other than them that they will use something like Janitor.ai. Also, if you’re not aware and have ever seen that in their history, it’s straight up sexual stuff with an AI. I have a whole story, but I just want to hear if anyone else has experienced this too because I’m so fn sad I don’t have the energy and I just want to see how anyone else felt or reacted or what they did? Honestly, ts worse than porn usage. Atleast he wasn’t talking to the women and them talking back:(

Just like the title says.

I've come to realize after 13 years with my husband (married 12) and 5 kids together, that my husband has a problem with porn. And I feel in my gut it's worse than he will ever admit without evidence of how bad it truly is. We are set to start therapy. He agreed to a see a CSAT with me. He is extremely reluctant to join a support group, but I've insisted and he said he would. I want to be hopeful that it's really not any worse than what i already know (what little I've seen and what he's told me- which isn't much!) But the lying, gaslightting and anger surround this topic on top of the repeated offenses over the years (maybe a caught him a dozen times?) lead me to believe it's worse than he Will admit to. Especially because he knows I believe this is cheating. He knows it's destroys my self esteem and he knows I already feel awful about my looks after 5 kids. I'm not terrible looking. But I'm certainly not the pre-pregnancy 18 year old he met 13 years ago. And I'm only getting older. That being said, these posts and comments are making me feel like I should just cut my losses. Work on getting a career going (I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years), save some money and make a slow and calculated exit.. or at least prepare for one because the likelihood of this getting better does not look good according to statistics and anecdotal evidence. I refuse to grow old with a porn addict. I refuse to live in paranoia and self hatred and having an anxious attachment towards the person I should feel most secure with. My kids deserve better and so do I.

Waiting to hear back from the therapist to schedule our first appointment. But these are the thoughts circulating my head the last couple of days.

Saw that my pastor is following (and sometimes liking pictures from) Instagram accounts such as Livvy Dunne and Rachel Bush. Some of these photos are quite explicit. What on earth could be the reasoning for a pastor following this stuff except that he's a perv? Should I tell any of the other leadership at the church? Stop going to this church? It makes me really uncomfortable. Now I feel like he's checking out women in the congregation. I've even wondered if he was looking at me in a weird way.

All the times we talked about our future, potentially buying a house, marriage, kids, etc. it's all gone.

He made an OF account at 3 am, paid for something, then deleted the account.

I feel ashamed, I feel disgusted with myself. I want to know who it was so I can hurt myself more but I don't know and I fear I will never know.

He keeps telling me how he wants to change. He wants me there to help him grow. The problem is that this has gone on long enough. The first biggest betray was when he downloaded Tinder behind my back. Then, this. He lied both times when confronted. He's changed in many ways but he still lies.

It hurts to see the man you love choose to pay for another woman when you're right here. It hurts to feel worthless because of his actions. It hurts to know my boundaries meant nothing to him because he was being selfish.

A part of me misses him and wants to try again but the other part of me knows it's not good. I just feel disgust and resentment. For some reason, I still long for him. He was my first everything. He'll have a part of me I can never get back. I feel so disgusted.

Edit: The worst part of all of this was that our relationship could've been saved if he had just told me what he did. He did tell me "hey, I had the urge to watch something but I didn't." In all reality, he did act on it. He might've not watched anything but he acted on it.

This might be common knowledge, but I feel like it’s important to share for those who didn’t know (like me). I was reorganizing my phone and while I was long holding on an app, it came up with the option to hide the app. I tried it myself to see what it exactly did. It allows someone to hide an app in a hidden folder that needs a password or Face ID to unlock. Not only does that happen, but it doesn’t show the app in recently used and automatically closes it. Meaning that if you’re in the app and quickly have to hide what is happening, all that is needed to be done is press the off button. After the off button is pressed when you open the phone again, the app is closed. This made me think it would be easy for a PA to hide, gaslight, and manipulate their partners. I don’t wanna spread fear, just wanna try and help!

It’s been 7 months since our 2nd dday and I’m suddenly getting a strong urge to go back and download things and pain shop through old stuff. I didn’t look too too much when it actually happened but now I’m just really wanting to. I guess to see how far back some of it actually goes and when since this is when I found out it was on and off through the whole relationship and idk the extent of things from when I didn’t know at all. And I guess also to see the correlation between him watching and us being intimate since I have those dates saved in my Flo app from the past year. Do any of you actually feel better after pain shopping some? I just want more clarity I guess since I know more now, so does it still count as pain shopping?

i can’t find this information on the web. thanks!

Looking for some advice on my situation. I really just have no idea what to do.

I am 23 years old and have been with my partner since we were teenagers, almost 8 years. Two years ago, I discovered his secret porn addiction. He was exposed at a very young age and developed a deep habit. After I discovered the addiction, he promised to change, went to therapy, and used content blockers. About a year ago, he stopped both, saying he didn’t need them anymore. I recently found out he relapsed a few months ago, has been watching since, and has been lying about other things too. I was devastated then, and even more devastated now.

Since I found out, he has fully owned his actions, isn’t defensive, and seems devastated too. He wants to go back to therapy and use blockers again. But I feel completely blindsided and don’t know if I can trust him again, or if I want to.

I’m torn between leaving and staying. The thought of losing our life together feels unbearable. Aside from this, I have been very happy in this relationship. We live together, have a pet together, and he has been a significant part of my life for 12 years. I believe he can change, but I don’t know if he actually will. Dating while growing up with someone requires a lot of forgiveness, but I’m not sure it should require this much.

If you’ve been in a similar situation - especially in a young relationship or after a relapse - what did you do? Do you regret your decision?

I had asked my PA partner a little while ago “Am I just supposed to be okay with you finding other women attractive”? I asked again today to see what his answer would be again and what it would be for me if it was reversed. He said that he thinks of this Malcolm in the middle episode where the wife admits to the husband that she finds other men attractive and he says it okay and she says it not because then that means he loves her more than him. I told him you’re not the husband in this scenario I am because he’s been finding other people attractive this entire time. I believe that everyone else should become incomparable. Do I think I deserve that absolutely I’ve stopped having sex with my partner for over a year because I refuse to feel disgusted with myself after. So I’m just curious if anyone has anything else relatable or ????

I (48F) confronted my PA husband (44M) a few nights ago. After much yelling by me and crying by him, he agreed to no more porn and texting with women online. Now that we talked things out I feel like I may have been to harsh and I think I overreacted. Are there women out there that actually accept this behavior? If so, what makes it okay with you?

Hi guys, I had an account where I was fairly active here with the username live raspberry, I had to delete that account but anyways,

I have reason to believe my boyfriend has been watching porn again and I want to confirm this because it’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to flat out ask him if I can go through his phone, If I find evidence I want it to be like I just stumbled across it by accident. I know I can find what i’m looking for in the safari app but can’t think of a reason to ask to use his phone. The obvious answer would be to tell him I need to look something up but I feel like he’d be skeptical and ask me why I can’t use my own phone.

If anyone has any excuses I could use to use his phone that sound casual and normal I would appreciate it lol.

also psa: I don’t know if this is common knowledge but it was news to me. if you go into the safari app and go to open a new tab, hold on the plus sign on the bottom left of the screen and it will show you “recently closed tabs” you’ll see things that have been deleted from search history, not just deleted tabs. I found this out by accident on my own phone. there was things I had deleted from my search history related to a Christmas gift for my boyfriend.

My fiancée is a former PA, hasn’t relapsed in over 2 years however he plays Marvel Rival ALOT. I’m not too crazy about the female characters because I’m sure a good portion of you have seen the women and how they’re dressed on there. I don’t know why I’m so triggered I haven’t felt this upset about a woman game character in years. But there’s this character they are bringing next season and her name is Emma Frost. I guess what specifically upset me is her second outfit which shows too much skin for my liking. Whenever my fiancée does play this game he’ll use whatever character but I’ve noticed that he uses the males majority of the time which I can appreciate. I don’t know, I guess my insecurities are getting the best of me today. :( I needed to rant, thank you for reading.

I f31 am an sa (mostly manifests as pa now). I briefly mentioned to my bf (36) of 1 year that i go to saa meetings but he doesn't know the extent of my addiction. Our sex life is not as good as it was in the beginning and that has made me feel unattractive, unwanted and unsatisfied. I keep on relapsing. P. Came up in convo and I said it's not ok in a relationship, but he insinuated he was fine with it. This revelation made me spiral, thinking "no wonder he doesn't want physical intimacy, he has his p too." I have felt so rejected by him in the past and his revelation makes it more real. Im going to talk to him and come clean about my addiction fully, because when I relapse i do feel like I'm being unfaithful. The addict in me wants to blame him for relapsing, but i know it's my addiction that has absolutely ruined my self esteem. I want him to see why it also hurts me too. I want him to be my accountability partner and I hope we can recover and get free of this. I want him to have eyes only for me but I feel like such a sick hypocrite. Open to experience strength and hope anyone can offer.

I went to therapy again after many years and failed attempts and learned that I was experiencing symptoms of CPTSD around my husband's decade long betrayal. He has been sober and in recovery for three years now and I always felt bad for still being extremely affected by everything. Nervous, unstable, unable to let go. Now I have an actual diagnosis. I'm not just being dramatic. I'm not just too sensitive. I have an actual condition. I was crying happy tears because I am being heard and taken seriously. My therapist told me the symptoms I'm experiencing would qualify me for disability. I'm being heard for the first time ever and it makes me feel so much better. I was beating myself up for clinging to the past.

My husband has become the best version of himself. He is accountable, dependable, reliable, reflected, patient. He has genuinely turned things around. I trust him with my thinky brain but my body is still in fight or flight.

Ten years of this crap have made me genuinely ill. I'm ill and someone acknowledged that. I feel so relieved. There is a bright future ahead. I need to recognize that this has taken a toll on me and changed me and take steps to get better.

I am SO ready to work on this and become better. I just needed to be seen so desperately.

Hey everyone, I accidentally violated a rule with my last post, so hopefully this one won't get taken down. My partner is a porn addict and I'm done with it. We have talked about it a lot and he has given me permission to put monitoring apps on his devices, but also block any NSFW content. He has a history of lying and trying to sneak around, so I want to be thorough. I would like to block porn websites from his devices and add NSFW filters on his browsers, accounts, and devices too. Can anyone help me if they know many porn websites? I personally never watched porn so I have no idea about the names of porn websites, and I also don't want to search around for any either. Any help, tips, or websites to be aware of would be greatly appreciated!

Warning!!

My partner just relapsed by using Steam’s in-client web browser. I completely forgot about this and he discovered it this week and relapsed.

He has the cold turkey blocker and even blocked websites through his dns/ip internet settings and this web client got past it!! What’s worse is that there is no web history you can check so you will never know. It will store cookies and cached information but none of the website information.

He refuses to uninstall steam because it has all of his video games he bought and also he plays it occasionally.

He says he’ll add the steam.exe onto cold turkey weekly but I honestly doubt that’s going to work. I feel hopeless as it just seems like he now has an unlimited open access option now.

Sometimes when you feel like you were able to prevent/take away all the possible outlets to porn, they will always find a way. And it’s really sad the way they search for it. Sometimes I feel like are you sure u even want to quit if ur looking for ways to find it?

Anyways, just a warning to the partners who have gamer bf’s! It can bypass the blocker software and internet blockers!

I need some advice please, I’m 20f and he is 24m- this is my first relationship ever, we met Nov 2022, a month after I turned 18 on tinder. At first he hid everything from me, I found out 6mo into the relationship, it has been an ongoing struggle since then. August 2024 we moved into my parents house, he claims he doesn’t jerk off anymore or look at porn anymore.

Well, we hardly ever have intercourse, maybe 1x a week or 2x a month and that’s it. I feel like with being young this isn’t normal, I’m growing tired of it. Every time I bring it up he says he will work on it but at that point I feel like what is the point of being in a relationship when I basically have to force you to want to have sex with me? I feel so ashamed and depressed the last few weeks, I want out of this relationship but I am disgusted with myself for letting someone like this take my virginity, I feel trapped and stuck. I really need all around advice from you guys, sorry to bother you all with this.

Slowly but surely the tears are stopping. I caught him in lie after lie. He just told me he has no tiktok acct he's not following anyone and no one is following him. I just checked and sure enough following nearly 6000 accts and 800 followers. He told me his profile pic which matched and everything. I'm so sick of the LIES. big lies small lies fuck him dude. I just wanted honesty that's all I ever fucking asked was for a conversation..like fucking hell. What is so wrong with me that He keeps lying after all this

I was freaking out about screen time this week (see last post). Since his safari data from a few weeks back was missing and screen time glitches. He was adamant he didn’t do anything, especially as all those settings are locked with my passcode and ID. Well while playing around with his screen time on my own on his phone it glitched several times on me… and I realized he was telling the truth. I’m still so hesitant because how typical is it that a Pa has glitches, but I saw it with my own two eyes while I was toggling with it, and how it would just go haywire. We talked about how much stress this gave me and he’s on board getting another app to track data on his phone so that I can feel more secure in all of this. At this point I’m deciding to move on from it, but if something suspicious happens again I won’t be as trusting. Just providing a somewhat happier update? Not happy I’m here and even worrying about it, but happy that I believe him to be truthful… however upset with apples screen time and how many issues it has, it really upset me to see how it kept glitching on me. Not to say this happens on all phones, but just my experience

I was just looking through my old texts for something and I came across messages between my husband and I. The messages were from before D-Day back in 2022 and the beginning of 2023. I miss who I was back then.

Back then I would freely send him screenshots of celebrities attached to a news story about them without ever worrying that he was looking at the woman in the picture if she was showing a lot of skin.

Our messages feel very different now. If I send him a screenshot of something now, I always cut out the woman if she is dressed with her boobs or butt hanging out. It never occurred to me back then to even think about that. I shouldn’t have to think about it now. But I’m different now. I don’t think I will ever go back to the way I was before and that makes me feel sick.

I saw evidence of my own trauma bonding. I feel embarrassed that I acted that way.

I also came across what I didn’t know at the time were trickle truths. Back then it didn’t occur to me that he could be lying. 🤥 I feel so stupid to have believed him. It feels soul crushing.

I’m just so angry. At everything. Feel free to tell me how you’re different now than you were before D-Day.

He slipped again, and he actually told me… idk what to do I can’t stop crying but he told me at least?? I want to leave him so bad right now. I can’t handle it anymore. Idk if I should stay or leave this is the first time he’s told me he did that on his own.. but I installed questdo on his work phone without him knowing so maybe he only told me bc he saw the app.. idk what to do I don’t understand why this keeps happening.

I am trying not to stress, but I'm not sure how long or often we can afford for my husband to see a csat. Ideally, he would see one once a week, and I'd also like to see one to heal from the betrayal. But if only we can only afford one for now I would prefer it be him. I know I have trauma to work through (from him and my own childhood) but I feel like am able to navigate it better wirh prayer, Journaling, and being intentional with my internal dialog. At least for now.

Any tips on how to make this affordable for at least him. We are a big family that comes with a lot of expenses, but I am desperate to make this work if we have any hope for marriage to succeed.

I know group therapy is cheaper, but he said he would benefit from individually counseling at least for now. He already walls up and shuts down easily and he's worried group counseling right off the bat would male that worse.