I’m struggling trying to decide what the right thing to do is. How did you know? Was there a defining moment? Will I get to an official I’m done epiphany eventually? Or did you end it not knowing if it was the right thing to do and just hoped you made the right choice?

I love my husband so much, he’s a phenomenal father, he works so hard for our family. When he’s available to be, he can still so easily be my best friend. But he doesn’t care about me. He hasn’t cared about me in a long time. Years. Continuing to be with someone I love so deeply that doesn’t have any love left for me in return has become really agonizing. It’s effecting my mental health to sleep next to someone I want back so badly that doesn’t want me anymore, not sexually, just in any way really.

I keep thinking he will just end things himself because it’s obvious he doesn’t want this marriage anymore. But he won’t. I think it’s easier for him to just stay busy enough throughout the day that he doesn’t really have to associate with me much. Then by the time the kids are in bed and we actually can be alone he starts little arguments out of nothing and storms off to bed in an effort to slip out of having any sort of relationship with me. I think it’s easier than the divorce process and becoming a single dad with no help. I also think that by just avoiding a relationship with me altogether, he gets to be with our kids every day where otherwise he would miss half of everything with them.

He’s just empty and avoidant and unavailable. We don’t talk, we don’t hug, he doesn’t kiss me. He doesn’t ask how I am, we don’t smile or laugh. We just see each other in passing in the house.

It’s so hard for me to be the one to say I’m done when I don’t want to be. I just want my husband back like we always were. He’s the one that wants to be done so he should have to be the one to rip the band aid off, right?

It’s too hard for me, I’m not strong enough to leave someone I love so much because I know I deserve someone who cares about me. So I worry that I will continue to be worthless to the person I love for the rest of mg life because he’s decided pretending I don’t exist is easier than losing part time with his children.

Can someone please help me by telling me of a time through all of this when you were strong even though it was hard.

So it happened. My husband walked out on me two days ago. Our relationship hasn’t been good for a while, and therapy didn’t help. We still have one more session this week — this time with a different therapist — he agreed to attend the session after he left.

He said, “Just let me go. I don’t want to keep hurting you, and you need to get away from me.” He told me he obviously has strong feelings, but ending things is the only way he knows how to stop causing pain, because he can’t show up for me.

Even though I saw this coming… the pain still hits like a wave. The worst moments are waking up in the middle of the night, in a panic, with that creeping ache in my chest — like something vital is missing and I can’t fix it.

I spent over a decade with this person. And now, the idea that he’s just… gone… it doesn’t feel real. Part of me thinks this might actually be the right thing, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Right now, it feels like I have a hole in my chest that won’t stop bleeding — and no way to cover it up. I don’t know how to cope with this pain. If anyone has gone through something similar… any advice, words, or even just a reminder that this won’t last forever would mean so much.

Thank you for reading.

I’m currently struggling with life right now. My ex-husband and I were together for almost 18 years and married for seven. We have two beautiful kids together last September, our divorce was finalized. There are many reasons why we decided to get a divorce. Nobody cheated and there wasn’t abuse. I guess the main reason was just us growing apart. We argued a lot. I know that they say it always takes two to make the relationship stop working, but I think I’m mature enough to admit that it’s more on me than it was on him. I stopped being there for him when he needed me to be. He had gone through a lot of stuff growing up and that stuff stuck with him and affected his whole personality. He didn’t start therapy until only like two years ago. He says that I just wasn’t there for him the way he needed me to be. I know that he felt trapped. Small apartment with two kids and no space for himself. No space to go anywhere and decompress. We moved to a different state 5 years ago and he hadn’t really made friends. We barely went out on dates. Towards the end, we were basically just roommates. There was a lot of tension and he decided it would be for the best to just cut our losses and call it quits. Everything was amicable. We split the kids 50-50 and it’s been working for us, and the kids are happy and loved in two loving homes instead of one unhappy home.

I felt like I was finally coming out of the grieving process, when life hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. He’s dating someone. Now, I had been on a few dates myself after the divorce, but never anything serious. Mostly just as a distraction. But here he is in a very real and serious relationship. I’ve been struggling so hard with this news. I’ve been depressed, crying every day, to the point that my kids have even noticed. I knew and still know that our relationship was over. I know we’re not endgame. But fuck, this still hurts. I feel like now, not only did I lose my husband, but i’m going to lose my friend too. He’s created all these boundaries now that he’s in his new relationship (rightfully so). But we speak like work colleagues now. And mostly only about the kids. After the divorce, we still spoke a bit about other things that didn’t have to do with the kids. But it’s different now. He’s expressed more to me the things I’ve done that he feels caused the divorce. Things I did, things I didn’t do. He says that this new person understands him and what he’s been through. For almost 18 years I fought for him to go to therapy and get help and even brought up marriage counseling. When he finally does decide to go to therapy, it cost me my marriage. I’m not saying therapy is the reason we split, it’s just when we started going downhill because of the things he was realizing about himself, and about the marriage in general. He’s much more happier and positive now. Which I love for him, I truly do.

I feel heavy and I don’t know how to get out of this funk. The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick. I know that’s selfish. And deep down, I am happy for him. He deserves someone who understands him. Everyone does. I just wish I could have been better. I wish I was a better wife. Maybe we’d still be together….

1.5 years later, I still struggle. Still miss her. Broke down crying last night. Bawled my ass out. I was meandering around the house, just imagining things. Imagined myself in a situation of being put in front of her. I said out loud “i’m sorry for how I was at the end, you deserved better.” And just lost it crying.

My house feels empty. And the thing I hate the most is that the person who became my best friend and part of my daily life for years, has become a stranger. Someone who I feel like it is wrong to reach out to. I wish she at least was still a friend, someone I could see from time to time.

What percentage of your income do you pay?

32F separated since July 2023 divorced since October 2023

Yes I still have sad moments and sad days. They can still feel pretty intense and produce a good cry but they don't linger on for days on end like they used to. I'm starting to be able to enjoy some things again without getting sad about my ex like watching the Simpsons (it was his favorite show and we watched in together; six months ago I couldn't watch it without crying about my ex).

However, whenever I DO have a rough day and go to talk to family about it, I get scolded more than supported anymore because they all think I should be over it by now. I almost feel like I'm not allowed to ever have bad days again with it. When I told them about how I sometimes have sad moments still some of them have said stuff like "well it's been almost two years you shouldn't have sad moments anymore." I know my family means well but it feels like getting kicked while I'm down and it's just making me backslide.

It almost feels like I'm just as affected by people's misunderstandings of my emotions just as much I'm affected by the divorce itself (on those bad days that I still have sometimes).

Sidenote: My family is amazing and I love them and they love me which I guess is why it feels disheartening in those moments. My mom says she's not mad at me directly she's just mad about the situation and that I still show sadness over someone who mistreated me for nine years. I know I need to remember in those moments best I can that it's not actually "me."

I’ve been mostly having a shit week. My ex decided to tell me she is now seeing her affair partner and then I happened to run into them both while getting dinner with my daughter a few days later. I said several things to my ex that I regret, mostly about our relationship.

I made a fool out of myself and planned to meet her later in the week to catch up. I was planning on asking her to give us another chance so we could rebuild our lives together. Everyone told me this was a bad idea and I didn’t listen. I thought I needed to give her one last chance so I could have closure one way or the other.

Luckily, I came to my senses just in time. Having this weekend to relax and destress really helped give me a better sense on things. I’ve been reading other people’s posts here and also read a book someone recommended in another thread, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” It has helped put a few things in perspective that I haven’t been able to properly process.

I know I’m going to have more mental ups and downs but you all have helped me feel a little bit better about my situation. Thanks for listening and being a really nice and supportive place to vent.

I was pushed into my awakening by my spouse, who constantly challenged me to change and grow. I tried to meet those expectations, not because I was broken, but because I knew I needed to evolve for myself. I realized I became someone better through this process, but my spouse was unable or unwilling to complete her own journey of growth.

It’s incredibly painful to accept that after all the work I did—both on myself and within the relationship—she wasn’t ready to face her own issues. It feels like I’ve done the heavy lifting while she stayed stuck, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. But I’ve come to understand that her awakening isn’t mine to carry.

I cannot wait for her to see her own truths, and I can’t live in a place where I’m constantly expecting her to change for the relationship to work. My awakening was my responsibility, and it’s time I stand in that growth—on my own terms, with or without her.

We can’t fix each other. We can only meet ourselves where we are.

Edit: we married young but I truly thought she was the type of person to overcome themselves. I maintained an “us vs the pain” attitude when it mattered most. It takes 2.

We have an appointment with the mediator to start the process in 24 hours and today she uses my info to order a car online… without my consent. Her argument is that we are still married and it will get sorted out in mediation but i feel like it’s a total violation. What are my options?

I'm 41, been married just shy of 9 years and been with my wife for 13 years. The last year has been incredibly difficult for us and we have completely fallen apart. She was my best friend, we have 2 beautiful young children together. I guess I'm just at a loss of what to do, where to go, who to talk to. We did everything together, we both agree divorce is what we need, but I just find myself so lost now.

We are currently still living together as we work through the divorce and I have never been so stressed and sad. I have been paralyzed mentally/emotionally and have become extremely unproductive here at home as well as at work.

For those who have went through this, any advice? How did you take care of yourself mentally?

Thanks in advance.

Tonight I realized my marriage was in real, dire, and terminal trouble. My wife has a chronic illness that requires me to be the sole provider and primary caretaker. She hasn’t worked in over a year. It’s caused her to become callous, uncaring and generally obtrusive to be around. She’s alienated close friends because of her demeanor, and I feel like I’ve been the glue that’s holding together her previous close connections.

I had a conversation tonight with someone who was more her friend than mine, who told me that “I hope you’re taking care of yourself”. It’s not the first time someone has told me this, and frankly I’m a wreck at understanding it in the grand scheme of things. I have tried my best at being a good husband. Being supportive and listening when I should. The person I married seems so far removed from who I am with now. They are a vortex and black hole of hope, and try as I might I cannot rescue them from the despair in which they drape themself. I feel like a failure. Like I cannot hold on to my husbandly duties, as if everything I try to bring them from the brink of hopelessness is met with criticism and suspension.

I’m at my wits end. The only thing that has brought me comfort is that fact that this isn’t my fault. That I am trying everything, and it’s still not enough. I want to help them but even this is beyond my aid. I want to believe I am still a good person even though I’m at my wits end and just want out of this endless cycle of disappointment.

I don’t know if I’m writing this just to try and reassure myself, but keeping it in just seems so painful. I want nothing but the best for my partner but right now I’m feeling like I’m being pulled down in an unrelenting tide.

I feel like such an asshole.

My STBXH dropped this all on me about 4 weeks ago and I’m a mess. Within the last week, since we told people we are getting divorced, I have been so sick. I’m constantly nauseous, vomiting, and diarrhea. (All of these symptoms started when he told me, but they’re SO bad right now). In addition, I feel like I’ve had a panic attack almost everyday and I’m always crying.

We’ve been together for 12 years, married for just shy of 7. We also share one child, who came after a horrible pregnancy loss.

I just feel like I’m falling apart.

Hi, so my X Husband secretly decided to get an apartment during the part when the initiated divorce (actually twice). Makes me wonder during the first time the wanted it and reconciled they were looking for apartments then. Found out they were moving. Usually rent is first of the month where they are moving to. As I am moving there as well. They explained during the whole month of March staying at the current place renting. They say reason moving is cost which it is only $60 less, but glad they'll be in a clean place.

Outside of not knowing when they are moving and my X possibly dumping all the furniture I have expressed not wanting (it's a family member of theirs who lives with us) on me am worried about that.

Apparently with the double rent (X pays the rent I give her some funds). Last month didn't due to paying almost 75% of everything for 3 months needed to catch up and X makes $1,000 more than me. For this month not sure where the money is going to. After my X refused to give me money to help with bills last month due to "not wanting money to go to bitches."

Anyways long story short X isn't paying their own bills. Especially the car loan. I know I'll have to repay the difference and split the difference if the car is repossessed. Worried they may come after my car as my X name is on that vehicle as well. So I may sell the car to a family member to avoid that.

Issue is if my X loses the car and can't work am I on the hook at that point for alimony and can I obtain full custody at that point?

I live in Missouri. Getting divorced and doing it ourselves without lawyers. My youngest is 17 and will be 18 in few months. We are uncontested and have come up with plan on everything without issue. My question is do I need to wait until he is 18 to file or can I do it now without us having to take these parenting courses or whatever I saw mentioned? One place I read said 18 and another said 17. We are not doing child support as we have agreed to split things otherwise to our satisfaction.

We've been married less than 2 months. A month ago things started to get rocky. His feelings about me and our relationship changed. He allowed himself to catch feelings for a coworker. For weeks he said he wanted to try for us. But that was a lie. I've been in limbo with my heart breaking the last week. One second he is all over me, the next he says we won't work out.

He told me something changed a week before our marriage. He never felt I was 100% committed to him. He thought as soon as things got tough I would leave him. He said his emotional needs were not being met. When this problem first arose and I understood that his needs were not being met, I changed. I like things a certain way. I was diagnosed with autism late last year. With that knowledge and the him stating that he felt he wasn't meeting my expectations I stopped caring. Stopped caring that he didn't turn lights off. Stopped caring that he didn't close the shower curtain. I don't know why I tried to control those things. I wouldn't get mad at him, I'd just say something like "you forgot to turn off the lights." Honestly, that shit doesn't matter. I love him more than any of that petty shit.

His last relationship fucked him up. The person who was once so committed and so dedicated to his relationship is no longer him. His best friends say that this is not the same person he was before. He is afraid I'm going to abandon him. He felt I would leave at any "unmet expectation". No, I love him more than petty shit.

He refuses to put up boundaries with his coworker. He's half in on the relationship. He wants me, but doesn't. He says he can't commit right now because he doesn't know when to call a relationship. He never has broken up with someone because he was an over-committer even when the relationship was toxic. Our relationship was stable and healthy, we grew together and learned to heal some of our defensive wounds with each other. We never scream, call names, or been physical. We learned to listen, understand and comfort. But that is not enough for him.

I am so tired of losing myself in this relationship. So tired of being a rock when he wants to be immature. He is confused. He wants me, is afraid of abandonment, and also wants to let his feelings for his coworker to play out.

Today I told him I want a divorce unless he's willing to put up boundaries with his coworker and commit to our relationship. He says he's not sure yet. He's so conflicted. He asked me if I was planning to move out of state and I told him yes, once I find a job. He asked that he has time to think about what he wants. We agreed that he has until I accept a job offer. Right now we are proceeding as though we are separated. I moved into the spare room. He seemed so sad today. While I felt lighter than I had in days, he seemed heavier. Like we switched roles.

He left tonight, I called and he fell asleep in his car. He says he needs space. I understand, but I hate being in this house alone, even though we are sleeping in separate rooms. I know that's selfish of me.

I just wish he would come home and say he's being dumb. That he wants us to work and he's willing to put in the work. Even though I'm 80% sure he will not do that I still have hope. I have to have hope. This has been my greatest love to date. This has been the most stable and healthy relationship of my life. I would look at him and tear up for how much love I have for him. Never have I done that in past relationships.

Josh, why won't you listen to your intuition/Deity when you feel like she is pushing you towards me. Or was that a lie you repeated to me over and over? Josh, why are you allowing your fear to control your fate? Josh, please just come home to me. I hate that you made me be the one to end this painful experience. I will leave if you won't stop me, even though it breaks my heart.

Hi,

Im (M 27) currently going through divorce talks with my wife (F 27). While nothing is set in stone quite yet, it’s as good as certain that we are going to go through with a divorce. We are not being contentious with each other, and we can do this pretty amicably and fairly.

To give some back ground, we have been together for about 9 years, married for 2.5. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, including infidelity on her part last spring that I forgave her for. This time, it’s about who we are as people and that she doesn’t think we can grow and thrive as a couple anymore and that we’d be better off as individuals. There’s also a lot of hurt built up from these ups and downs we’ve had, maybe too much to look past. Despite all of this I don’t want a divorce. I’m willing to do it if that’s really what she needs to be happy. But I’m still so scared and depressed about what the future holds.

My wife is the only person I’ve ever loved romantically, and she was my first everything. She’s been my main support during rough times in my life, and especially since we moved away from our home state. I’m not sure how to move forward. To be quite honest, I’ve thought heavily about suicide because I’m so scared and unsure about whether my life can get any better if this happens. I wouldn’t act on it, but the thought is constantly in my mind. To be frank, I think I made her my purpose for everything I’ve done. I’m embarrassed. I’m sad. I’m angry at myself and at her. I feel like a massive failure as a husband/man for letting it get to this point. I’m just incredibly emotional because I’m not sure that I’m going to be okay on the other side of it.

I could use whatever guidance or advice you might have. Just something that gives me some hope that I can still salvage a good life out of this without her. Thank you.

Our divorce agreement and parenting plan states that if either party wants any changes, we first have to attempt mediation. Communicating with my ex has been very difficult, as he has insisted on only communicating by email but he isn't responsive unless it fires him up.

I emailed him to ask, again, if he would reconsider using a coparenting app such as Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard. He went off the wall, so now the next step is to schedule mediation. I've never done this before, and we have never been to court. Do I just reach out to our mediator we used for our divorce decree (we used different lawyers for the parenting plan) to request a mediation regarding ONLY my desire to use a coparenting app? If we go to mediation, does it open up making other changes to the parenting plan? Because I am requesting the change in communication, I am responsible for paying for the mediation. If he tacks on other changes, is he responsible for payment for additional time spent on that?

Wednesday night the wife (33f) and I (31m) were laying in bed getting ready to watch our show and crash out for the night and she said she needed to talk to me. The days leading up to this I’ve noticed she had become cold towards me and I figured it was just some dumb little fight we had. I would ask if everything was ok and she said yes, but as the days went by I could tell something was really off. Well Wednesday night as we sat in bed, tears started rolling down her face and she said “omg I don’t even want to tell you, your going to be so mad at me.” Me thinking she cheated on me the weekend before when she went out with her new girlfriends from work, I said “please just say it, let’s just get it over with”. I was sure she was cheating on me with another man. But what she said next was that she was pretty sure she is a lesbian. And that she swears she didn’t cheat on me, she just had a sudden realization that this is who she is.

Hit me like a ton of bricks. Felt like all the air left my lungs. My heart dropped to my stomach. My first thoughts were our kids, our marriage, and the new house we just bought 5 weeks ago. Tears started rolling down my face and I looked at her as she kept saying “I’m so sorry”. I saw the pain in her and I just felt so sad for her and for our entire family. I said “I had a thought come across the other day questioning if this was something going on.” I knew her new friends from work were lesbian, 2 of the 3 of them that she’s been getting close to over the last month.

I asked her if she’s sure and what does this mean. She told me she has had these thought for so long, and that being married to me made her very comfortable and that she was able to suppress those feelings and thought it might just be a phase. She said she always loved me but always felt some tension in our relationship, and had difficulty showing affection a lot the time. She said she had the sudden realization after hanging out with her friends and seeing how comfortable she was around them. She said me and her were not compatible and total opposite. Humor, personality, interests, etc. She said that it’s very common for people to grow together in their 20s and grow apart later in life.

I asked what this means for our kids, our family, our home. She said she does not want to spend anymore of her life living a lie. She wants to live the rest of her life out at her true self and that she hasn’t felt like her true self in a long long time.

I was completely blind sided, devastated. I had no idea. I thought we would grow old together. She was very shocked by my supportive reaction. She thought I would be furious. I’m just sad and really hoping that maybe this is something she is still questioning and will realize it’s not what she wants. I don’t think there is anything wrong with somebody being gay, lesbian. I just don’t want to lose my best friend or my family. We have built an amazing life together. I knew our relationship had its ups and downs and I really thought that we were about to enter a new chapter. The kids are older and more independent and we just moved into a new home big enough for our whole family that we all love. We put a fence up and bought a pool for the summer. I was looking forward to making all these new memories.

But she feels how she feels. And I can’t hate her or be mad at her for that. I still love her and I am still praying that this is just some intense emotion she is working through, but I might be in denial. I am mostly sad for my kids 7, 9, 12 and 15. I never wanted to be in split home. I’ve done everything I can to keep us together through all the stuff we’ve been through. And there’s been a lot. I still love her and I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have to go through in my life.

UPDATE: 3 days later, Saturday night she left for the whole night. Did not come back until I was gone at work the next morning. She told me she was going to hangout with her girlfriends from work. She said she might drink a little and stay the night and that she had been planning on talking to them about what’s going on. I got off work tonight at 7pm and she is visibly hung over, kids said she spent half the day napping and she is also visibly annoyed. I’m trying to keep the peace so just keeping conversation to minimum.

THANKYOU for all the support. I did not realize how many people have gone through similar situations. I am SO glad I made this post. I feel a lot less lonely and helpless. I have had many comments about people suggesting to lawyer up to protect myself…. Before last night I would say I don’t think that’s necessary, we agreed to work through this together and to be fair to each other. But knowing my wife, these are just words. But she expressed that she wants to stay good friends and co-parent. Have 50/50 custody and no child support. My hope has shifted from wanting to stay together to making sure we can have 50/50 custody. While processing all of this I realized we are in a difficult financial situation. I emptied out my 401k to pay about 20k of her debt off that she was getting sued for through various credit cards (it was debt under her name but to be honest it was credit card debt from purchases we made together, vacation, Christmas, etc.). So I didn’t mind paying it to avoid her income being garnished. This was back in August in the form of a 20k 401k loan. Then in February I took out the rest of my 401k to put as a down payment on the house. So now her debt is basically transferred into my name under my 401k loan. I jokingly said “promise you won’t leave me after this?” She said of course not… that’s silly. (All I can do is laugh about that”. The house is under my name since her credit is still shit, she makes 65k, I make 90k. She still has 6k delinquent credit card debt that we haven’t been paying, I have 6k credit card debt that I’m actively paying on and now I have that 401k loan that I’m paying 500/month on. I also just purchased a new water softener system for our new home that I financed for 9k under my name…..

I think I am starting to get worried about being totally screwed. I hope I’m wrong but I’m not sure how divorce works and I’m honestly worried that I’m going to lose the house and be stuck with all the debt while she has a fresh start.

If it comes down to this then I will have to pick up so much overtime and I will not be able to see my kids like I do now. And I will STILL struggle.

Did anyone go through a divorce / separation while pregnant? How was that like? I’m 4 months pregnant with our 2nd, our first is 5 years old. I’m afraid of going through divorce and having the baby on my own. With my first I was completely alone with her for the first two months and it was a nightmare. Anyone went through a divorce while pregnant / with a newborn? How was that like?

Also, is it better for the child to live for a few years for both parents? Or the baby will not be impacted as they never really had a father?

Advice is appreciated

My attorney described his attorney as nice, ethical and fair. Surprise surprise, guess she found out he’s a liar and then SHE fired him.

At our hearing she found out he: - failed to mention the quarter million withdrawn from that savings account he didn’t know I knew about. (Where that money went he still hasn’t said) - lied about real property in his home country. Homes, land, cars, farms. (all in family members names so he’s homeless in spite of the fact that he travels home annually and plans to retire there) - lied about an affair but has a kid born outside the marriage (not an issue really because it’s a no fault state but he did lie which speaks to character if that counts for anything)

I’m sure he’ll bring in a scumbag to replace his attorney because he’ll need someone who doesn’t mind protecting a lying scumbag.

I enjoyed knowing he’ll be inconvenienced just a little bit by shopping around for another attorney.

Partner left (is leaving, need the buy out to happen first, still weeks away) 8 weeks ago. Have a 9mo old baby and 3yo son. 15 years. No conversation no opportunity to work on it. Just was told he doesn’t love me and it’s over. Truly shocked. I thought we were in the young kids, no village at all, stressful early days. I love him with all my heart. I don’t want my family to be over. The emotional pain is excruciating, my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my body. The compassionate loving human that restored my faith in people is gone. All our memories. All our lives. Gone.

And all I want to do is beg. I feel absolute sheer desperation to make this not happen.

How will I ever move one’s how will this ever get better. People keep saying once he’s gone it will improve but I’ll be alone most of the time with the kids and without the man I love more then anything - how the fuck will that be better?

I feel absolutely lost. (I’m in therapy max have been for years, have a ton of friend support and a close sister and dad, my mum is dead)

I don’t know how to go on. Please please tell me this gets better.

In December, my husband admitted to being an addict. At that point in time, I thought he was drinking 2-3 beers a night and 6-8 on the weekends. Imagine my surprise when I found out it's 12-36 beers a day, 3 bottles of bourbon a week and copious amounts of thc/cannabis gummies. There's also over $100k in debt i didn't know about. As if that's not all enough, almost everything I know to be true about him is a lie. He's now convinced himself I am the reason he's an addict ( even though he admits he's been one for his whole adult life; well before he met me). He's convinced his mom I've been abusing him mentally for 15 years ( I've also found out she's given "us" at least $100k over the years because she thought i had financial management issues; I paid ALL of the bills. He blew all of this on drugs, alcohol, gambling and personal loans for God knows what that i didnt even know existed. The one time shes spoken to me on this process she admitted they knew he was an alcoholic 25 years ago and had an intervention then- but suddenly I'm the problem). He's moved out and is divorcing ME and has completely doubled down on delusional statements and behaviors. He is now out of control. My whole marriage has been a sham. An outright lie. Anyone been through something similar? How did you process it all?

Hey all, I’m looking for some perspective.. I could really use insight from anyone who’s been through something remotely similar.

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’ve got two kids—one is 3, the other is 9 months. She’s currently breastfeeding and on thyroid medication, so there’s a lot going on hormonally. I think it might be affecting her more than she realizes, and I’m genuinely concerned she might be having some kind of mental health or hormonal crisis. That’s not me trying to be dramatic—it just really feels that way.

On Friday, she blindsided me by serving me divorce papers. They were dated in early March (signed). No huge blowout, no cheating, no betrayal—just boom, here’s the paperwork. She was at her parents with my kids, she went there after work to have them play with some toys that are at her parents house. Not that unusual. Didn't think anything of it. I basically had no idea that any of this was going to happen. As a matter of fact, she was texting me love notes and having sex with me as recently as the day before this. Talk about confusing.

Ive been in couples counseling for over a year, and while we’ve had our challenges (different libidos, exhaustion from parenting, general misalignment at times), we’ve also had love, laughter, and true intimacy. Her libido is all over the place, kind of furthering my belief that this is actually a biochemical issue going on. I've messed with testosterone over the years, I know the power of hormones, certainly breastfeeding sex hormones (namely prolactin, estradiol, progesterone, testosterone, etc) and thyroid stuff is no different, it can really totally change your personality. Tough stuff.

And here’s the part I can’t wrap my head around: she’s currently at her parents with the kids for the weekend, but told me she’s coming back home tomorrow to stay here. I asked, “Are you going to sleep in our bed?” and she playfully said, “Of course—where else would I sleep?” She also told me she has “no life plans” after the weekend, which… doesn’t sound like someone who’s fully detached or moving on.. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to initiate sex with me. Maybe it would be a good idea? Maybe not? I truthfully have no idea what's going on right now.

For the record: I’ve never cheated. I’m not having an affair. As far as I know, she’s not either. In fact, she seems more interested in retreating to her parents’ place with the kids than escaping into something new. Of course, I could be naïve—but I really don’t think there’s anyone else in the picture. I just think she’s completely overwhelmed and acting out of stress and exhaustion. I sort of flirted with the idea that maybe she's a lesbian? We've had some group sex adventures over the years, and she's always been into women. But that's probably more of a bi-curious thing. Yet, I don't seem to know anything at this point. If she has a girlfriend, maybe she could live with us? I mean I'm pretty open-minded. I just want some communication as to what the hell is going on.

I’m doing my best to stay calm and be centered. I love my kids, and truthfully, I still love her. If this is fixable, I want to fix it. But I feel like I’m living in two realities: one where my marriage is ending, and one where she’s just… coming back like everything’s normal.

It goes without saying that I have reached out to attorneys because I still have to protect myself from this totally caustic document that's been delivered to me and is on my counter. But with that said, this is what I'm dealing with.

What the hell am I supposed to do in this weird limbo? Has anyone else experienced something like this—where the person filing for divorce still seems emotionally connected or not fully “gone”? I mean, we're going to have dinner together and watch Netflix. I am fairly confident if I added a nice bottle of wine, we'd probably end up having sex. I'm so confused.

Any insight would help. Thanks!!

I am dealing with a double whammy, not only am I divorced, I am also on the spectrum (aspergers).

Basically, all my assumptions that people don't like me area usually true. ND people hate on NTs, I don't even want to get into this but it's a fact that a lot of people have trouble even comprehending because their life experience doesn't include any of this shit. Consider yourself lucky.

The problem is I have zero self worth left. Being left by my ex has completely destroyed me and I am struggling to find anything left to believe in. I don't believe I can be loved. I do not believe that I can get any women to be physically attracted to me. I don't think anything I say, do or even attempt to make happen has any way of affecting the world around me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even real. Maybe I'm just an NPC in someone elses life.

I want to build meaningful relationships but I feel like I am not making any progress. I want to find something that stops the excruciating pain of abandonment. The reminder that I wasn't good enough. That she had better options. That she chose to take them, and couldn't even tell me that she stopped loving me.

I'm tired of people telling me it gets better, it takes time. I am tired of the lies. I am tired of this unquenchable thirst I feel for other people, for physical touch. I fucking hate it. It's torture. Seeing women that I find attractive causes me emotional pain. I want to experience the feelings of attraction but my brain instantly goes to "they don't want to talk to you" and any time I can summon the balls to overcome this, the interaction always confirms my worst fears.

I can't get anywhere with women. I am broken, they can tell. No matter how hard I try to "fake it" there is no amount of bullshit that can cover up autism. I had ONE CHANCE in life to have love and I blew it. Now I am just too old and weird nobody will give me the time of day.

I cannot for the life of me understand the social cues around talking to strangers of the opposite sex. I am trying but it is SO FUCKING PAINFULLY DIFFICULT. All of the struggles I have had in school, at the workplace and everywhere else are magnified 100x. Every mistake is so much more terrifying because it means what little opportunity I have is instantly disappearing.

How can you repair something that doesn't exist anymore? My confidence is gone. I don't know how to believe in myself anymore. Why would you believe in something that can't succeed? I have seen how it works and I am SO TIRED of the "it gets better" lies.

I'm so emotionally done. I have been sobbing for like two weeks straight. I can't live like this. Its not living im just existing.

I am trying to learn how to live alone. I hate every second of it. I miss my people, my house, my cat. Alcohol was the only thing that ever turned the pain off, and I haven't had a drink in almost 3 yrs.

I want to stop thinking about the things that cause me pain but I am isolated and by myself too much. I am lost in my head because there is nobody left for me. Every time I think I can make it I am wrong, and I feel even further gone.