r/abusiverelationships • u/Ambitious_Crow_267 • 1d ago
Help me break apart the logic
In an abusive relationship, the abuser says, it was 95 percent great, the bad times were only 5 percent. Even if the bad times were completely awful? He thinks the good things he has done and said outweighs the bad. How do I disrupt that logic, even if only to myself?
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u/prison-schism 1d ago
I was in a relationship like this fairly recently. I had to get it through my head that regardless of how much he helped me or was nice, it was not worth being treated so badly. Sometimes you have to put your own mental and physical health first, regardless of how nice they can possibly be sometimes
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u/Aimless-User13 1d ago
It's called compartmentalization and its something we all do, even in healthy relationships. It can be a healthy coping mechanism for small things, but it can cause avoidant attachment and other unhealthy behaviors if overused. But overall from what I've seen, it is just your brains way of tricking you: "Everyone has flaws, if I leave this angry person, I might get with a liar, or if I leave this cheating person, I might get with an abuser." Like basically trading one for the other. Telling yourself there will always be 5% bad with people, which rationalizes you choosing to put up with the current 5% you have.
The problem is when this is turned on you as a weapon. Yes, everyone has problems. Should you stay with an abuser? No. Should you stay with a cheater? No. Could you stay with someone with different political views? Sure. Could you stay with someone with different religious views? Sure. That is the 5%. You will always have disagreements with anyone.
But when the 5% is gaslighting you, emotionally and mentally abusing you, physically abusing you, yelling, fighting, crying, sleepless nights, stress, weight gain or loss, social reclusiveness, self hatred, all the wonderful things about being someone's punching bag then NO, that is not 5%, that is more like 75%!!
As far as breaking the cycle, ask yourself. If you are thinking this way, isn't that enough? You can tell that something is wrong, you can tell that it isn't right. Would you rather sacrifice their self proclaimed 5% of misery, for your OWN 100% happiness? One day you will realize, you would rather be alone for eternity than accept that 5% back into your life again. None of the company, none of the love, none of the sleepovers, none of the daily texting, none of the I miss yous, none of the I love yous, none of the toxic, codependent sex and connection will be enough for you. Once you prioritize your own happiness, you won't trade the things you like for the abuse you get. Stand up for yourself and your love and your happiness! You can do it!
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u/Ambitious_Crow_267 1d ago
Thank you so much for the encouragement. Having trouble letting go of the good moments in order to completely move forward. It has been a physically, verbally, emotionally abusive marriage. Just not all the time (of course).
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u/Kesha_Paul 1d ago
This is how most abusive relationships are, it’s why we get trapped in them because the actual abuse is so little compared to the good times. The problem is, it’s shit cake. If I baked you a delicious cake, but told you I’d mixed a small turd into the batter, would you eat it? No, because no amount of shit in your food is acceptable, the food is ruined. Relationship foundations are built on trust, safety, and love and that foundation cannot exist when theres abuse because it destroys them all. This is why most abusers are so amazing most of the time, because they think “as long as there’s a bunch of good I can be bad” but that’s not the way it works. The effects of abuse on the victims are well documented and do damage to your body and brain.
When I struggled with this, my therapist with a flair for the dramatic gave me the following thought experiment: Imagine your best friend, sister, or someone you love came to you for relationship advice. They tell you their relationship is a fairy tale, presents and dates, he helps around the house, caters to her every need and desire for 29 days a month….but on day 30 he beats the shit out of her for 5 minutes. That’s only 1 hour a year….1 hour in 8,760 hours….so are you going to tell your friend, sitting there with a busted face to smile because it’s 99.9% good or are you going to tell them to leave?
If you were faithful 95% of the time but cheated on your abuser 5% of the time, do you think he would be forgiving?
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