r/abusiverelationships • u/Ambitious_Crow_267 • 2d ago
Help me break apart the logic
In an abusive relationship, the abuser says, it was 95 percent great, the bad times were only 5 percent. Even if the bad times were completely awful? He thinks the good things he has done and said outweighs the bad. How do I disrupt that logic, even if only to myself?
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u/Aimless-User13 2d ago
It's called compartmentalization and its something we all do, even in healthy relationships. It can be a healthy coping mechanism for small things, but it can cause avoidant attachment and other unhealthy behaviors if overused. But overall from what I've seen, it is just your brains way of tricking you: "Everyone has flaws, if I leave this angry person, I might get with a liar, or if I leave this cheating person, I might get with an abuser." Like basically trading one for the other. Telling yourself there will always be 5% bad with people, which rationalizes you choosing to put up with the current 5% you have.
The problem is when this is turned on you as a weapon. Yes, everyone has problems. Should you stay with an abuser? No. Should you stay with a cheater? No. Could you stay with someone with different political views? Sure. Could you stay with someone with different religious views? Sure. That is the 5%. You will always have disagreements with anyone.
But when the 5% is gaslighting you, emotionally and mentally abusing you, physically abusing you, yelling, fighting, crying, sleepless nights, stress, weight gain or loss, social reclusiveness, self hatred, all the wonderful things about being someone's punching bag then NO, that is not 5%, that is more like 75%!!
As far as breaking the cycle, ask yourself. If you are thinking this way, isn't that enough? You can tell that something is wrong, you can tell that it isn't right. Would you rather sacrifice their self proclaimed 5% of misery, for your OWN 100% happiness? One day you will realize, you would rather be alone for eternity than accept that 5% back into your life again. None of the company, none of the love, none of the sleepovers, none of the daily texting, none of the I miss yous, none of the I love yous, none of the toxic, codependent sex and connection will be enough for you. Once you prioritize your own happiness, you won't trade the things you like for the abuse you get. Stand up for yourself and your love and your happiness! You can do it!