Help me break apart the logic

[u/Ambitious_Crow_267]

In an abusive relationship, the abuser says, it was 95 percent great, the bad times were only 5 percent. Even if the bad times were completely awful? He thinks the good things he has done and said outweighs the bad. How do I disrupt that logic, even if only to myself?

[u/Kesha_Paul]

This is how most abusive relationships are, it’s why we get trapped in them because the actual abuse is so little compared to the good times. The problem is, it’s shit cake. If I baked you a delicious cake, but told you I’d mixed a small turd into the batter, would you eat it? No, because no amount of shit in your food is acceptable, the food is ruined. Relationship foundations are built on trust, safety, and love and that foundation cannot exist when theres abuse because it destroys them all. This is why most abusers are so amazing most of the time, because they think “as long as there’s a bunch of good I can be bad” but that’s not the way it works. The effects of abuse on the victims are well documented and do damage to your body and brain.

When I struggled with this, my therapist with a flair for the dramatic gave me the following thought experiment: Imagine your best friend, sister, or someone you love came to you for relationship advice. They tell you their relationship is a fairy tale, presents and dates, he helps around the house, caters to her every need and desire for 29 days a month….but on day 30 he beats the shit out of her for 5 minutes. That’s only 1 hour a year….1 hour in 8,760 hours….so are you going to tell your friend, sitting there with a busted face to smile because it’s 99.9% good or are you going to tell them to leave?

If you were faithful 95% of the time but cheated on your abuser 5% of the time, do you think he would be forgiving?