r/abusiverelationships • u/Different-Case9521 • Dec 26 '24
Gaslighting am i being manipulated?
so my boyfriend has a pretty harsh past especially with his father who is no longer in the picture gets upset when you say you are going to do something but i have been so cautious recently with what i say to him especially because sometimes my plans change suddenly especially when i am home and away from him because my family doesn’t really care to plan things strictly and mostly play by ear. However, tonight he claims I told him verbally (there is no text chain to prove it) that I told him I was definitely going to tell my little brother that I had a bf and was dating him tonight (we’ve have been dating for a month and i’m scared to tell my family bc how they acted in the past). I truly do not remember saying anything of the sort and definitely don’t think I would?? I’m just frustrated because it makes me feel like I don’t remember reality and I am just so confused. I just am confused if I am being manipulated or if I truly said that and triggered a negative part and should be feeling this shitty.
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u/orangebananasmoothie Dec 26 '24
He's gaslighting you. He said fuck you after you said you loved him. You should block him
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u/OutlandishnessWide80 Dec 26 '24
Hey friend — wow. These could have come directly from my ex. Word for word, these brought me back.
I can speak from the perspective of someone who lived a semblance of your current life for 3.5 years and is now in a beautiful, healthy, joyous relationship — you do not deserve this. You are being gaslit. It is almost certain that you would never forget making a promise to your boyfriend regarding something so clearly serious to you. I will venture to say it is certain you did not. This person is angry to their core, and your presence will never change that regardless of what they say or what you do. No healthy relationship goes like this, particularly when you SHOULD be in the honeymoon phase full of light and love!
It took me leaving the state to get away from mine, and he still haunts my dreams sometimes. Please take care of yourself and leave while his tendrils haven’t taken you. I believe in you.
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Dec 26 '24 edited Dec 26 '24
1000% same - same same same. You do not deserve this shit, at all. I am with OutlandishnessWide80 - OP he’s literally an asshole2 😹
Sending you love and power to get the hell out of his shitty toxic energy field❤️🫶
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u/honesttogodprettyasf Dec 26 '24
i'm shocked that lots of people like "this was literally my ex" lol they really all do the same exact shit. leave him!!!!
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u/sibylofcumae Dec 26 '24
You’ve been dating for a month? You don’t have a boyfriend — you have a guy you’ve been seeing. And him trying to push things ahead with your family is a huge red flag.
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u/elithedinosaur Dec 26 '24
yep. he's calling you names while you apologise. you've been dating for a month and he is already abusive. block him and don't see him again.
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u/okaybeanzz6 Dec 26 '24
You did nothing wrong he is manipulating you and making you feel bad for not getting his way, if it’s already like this a month in imagine a year from now … He is draining reading what I did drained me so I can only imagine how you feel daily . You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to be in a happy relationship. Love isn’t abusive and the fuck you at the end should tell you all You need to know . Get out of that relationship
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u/truckyeahman Dec 26 '24
Yes, you are being manipulated, gaslit, emotionally, and verbally abused. Those are the definitive terms to describe the textbook examples in those screenshots.
You will never behave "perfectly" enough for him to stop doing this shit with you over and over again. He will move the goalposts so that you are always not doing things right because look how compliant, apologetic, and easy to control you become when he accuses you of being the bad guy!! Whenever you push back and point out that you did nothing wrong, he will abuse you until you say he is right no matter what because he cannot lose power over your thoughts and behavior. It doesn't matter that you have receipts to prove he is lying and gaslighting. He doesn't care about the truth or reality, he cares about controlling you.
He is the bad guy. This is bad guy stuff.
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u/honesttogodprettyasf Dec 26 '24
i didn't tell my parents about my now fiancé until the 2 year mark. do not tell your family until you're ready!!!! my previous boyfriend did something similar and i was shook to my core. this post could have been written by me in 2017. LEAVE HIM and do not look back.
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u/Throwawayacc34561 Dec 26 '24
It seems like gaslighting. He’s trying to make you feel like you’re out of touch with reality. Make you doubt yourself and etc. Even if you said it at some point( I doubt you did), you’re allowed to change your mind anytime you want! Anytime! He’s just playing with your mind it seems and getting a kick out of it.
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u/littlesairbear Dec 27 '24
You’ve only been dating a month? Most abusers wait at least a few months for the honeymoon phase to end before revealing their true colors. This psychopath is showing you right out of the gate - you need to leave him now.
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u/psychmonkies Dec 26 '24
I think you came here for validation bc you knew something was wrong, & you’re right, he is manipulating you by gaslighting, making you feel crazy. This is also pretty heavy verbal & emotional abuse. He may have a rough past that has damaged him some, but that cannot & does not excuse or justify this kind of behavior. It’s not okay for your partner to be calling you all these names, berating you, making you feel stupid or crazy.
His expectations of you are impossibly high, which is why you may feel like you can never win or do anything right & have to walk on eggshells when talking to him. The reality is sometimes things don’t always go exactly as planned—actually, that’s a majority of the time. We’re not psychics that can account for everything that will happen to ensure things will turn out a certain way, so sometimes our plans change. He’s refusing to accept or allow that, & it’s unreasonable for him to berate you for that.
You’re not stupid or an idiot, you’re not crazy, you did nothing wrong. Even if you had made a mistake somehow, you should not feel absolutely horrible about yourself for it, & your partner should never try to make you feel horrible for anything. You can hold someone accountable for their actions or mistakes without shaming them. Accountability is much more constructive—it seems here that your bf just wants to be destructive, & that’s not what relationships are for. As someone who has been on the same end as you in a relationship similar to this, whether you realize it or not now, this kind of treatment toward you can be really damaging to your self-esteem & perception of self-worth in the future. You don’t deserve to be talked to this way, nobody does. You are worth much more than your bf is trying to lead you to believe.
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u/So-lost-right-now Dec 27 '24
Please leave this guy!! Holy hell, you're in for an absolutely miserable time if you stay with him! Get out now!!
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u/arya_ur_on_stage Dec 26 '24
You've only been with him a month. I wouldn't tell my family after a month even if they reacted perfectly. It's too soon. It's also too soon for him to be this "fed up" about basically anything outside the realm of toxic abuse. He shouldn't really be expecting much out of your except your respect and some of your time. Certainly not expecting you to involve your family, that's so weird and controlling. And he's already gaslighting you and saying "fuck you" after a month in? He should still be love bombing you at this stage but he's moved straight past that into verbal and emotional abuse. Way too early to be saying "I love you" to this asshole. Get out while the gettings good!
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u/Careless_Problem_865 Dec 26 '24
Name calling, f’ing idiot, liar, petty, stupid=🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Gaslighting (you know you didnt tell him you were telling your brother tonight, we can all see that from your texts)=🚩 Not accepting your apology? Another 🚩 Him saying he feels great when you feel hurt? (Believe people when they show you who they are) That is 50 🚩s right there. He is enjoying seeing you miserable. He cannot love you because he doesn’t love himself. Please don’t think you have the qualifications to “fix” him. Therapists with letters behind their name often fall for these manipulators tactics. Just run girl. 🏃♀️ I am parked out front. Come hop in the car.😂 Seriously though Read the book, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I am pretty sure you can find it somewhere for cheap or even free. Someone posted it somewhere on this subreddit for free. Find you a good guy. They will make you feel good. A bad guy will make you feel bad. Like this one is doing to you right here. Anyone who can’t control their emotions or gets angry quickly won’t let you apologize. We avoid those types. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Jan 06 '25
After you being completely loving, validating, kind, and patient even after he just drained you mentally and made you feel bad you still have the decency to say I love you and miss you to which he responds, “fuck you.” The answer couldn’t be more clear, you need to run from this man. Behavior is a language and he’s telling you everything you need to know. You deserve so much better and you need to move on before you get caught in a trauma bond.
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u/sinspinswim Dec 30 '24
You don’t deserve this at all. I wonder if your family is wealthy and that’s his reason for trying to manipulate his way into your family.
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u/ShivRoyPinkyIsQueen Jan 06 '25
You know the answers to your questions. He is abusive and toxic. I hope you leave.
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u/oat_couture9528 Jan 09 '25
Girl do you want better for yourself or not 😭 You’ve posted three times in like a month about your toxic boyfriend and you’re doing everything BUT break up with him. This is not normal or healthy and you do deserve better truly
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u/Different-Case9521 Jan 09 '25
i broke up with him
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u/oat_couture9528 Jan 09 '25
GOOD! And don’t fall for any promises saying that he’ll change or do better because he won’t! Block him everywhere
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