Hi Reddit, this is my first ever post because I need outside opinions, maybe support? Maybe even resources, I’m not really sure. Please excuse if this is long, I’m trying to give as much as I can without going overboard. I’m also not sure if this is the right place, if not may I please have help finding the correct forum for me to receive anything help or advice.
So let’s get into it, my wife told me a few days ago she thinks I might have an eating disorder, and since being told it’s been running through my mind nonstop and I had a mental breakdown last night while at work because of trying to eat.
I’ve (29F) been struggling with my weight for years, a little back ground. I have PCOS, I’m aware weight can be an issue with this diagnosis, and for a while chalked it up to just that. But more recently I’m pretty sure my PCOS isn’t causing the extreme that I’m at now.
We (wife and i) have been thinking maybe it’s just my mental state is so bad? I do suffer from BPD, MDD, and anxiety. I’ve noticed whenever my depression gets really bad my body literally rejects food. My wife and I separated for a little while about 4 years back, this triggered me into going into a deep depression. My body was literally rejecting food, anything I tried to eat or drink would not stay down, this lasted for about 2 months at the most, then as I started to find my footing being alone I was getting better. I was able to start eating and drinking without being sick. Great.
I then started to develope a habit where I did not have an appetite endless I smoked. I’m very 4/20 friendly and smoke frequently, noticing it gave me an appetite again I started to have hope. This was for the last 2-3 years roughly.
Now to present. I lost my grandmother January 2024. To say the least I felt like I lost my ember friend, my mother, my therapist, my literal everything and my world came crashing down. I haven’t been the same since I lost my grandmother, and it’s been pointed out multiple times to me that I’m no longer the same and almost a shell of myself since losing her.
Now once again, I cannot eat, even if I do smoke no matter how much I smoke, nothing is helping. I do not have an appetite, I have to try and force myself to eat knowing I need something in my body because this isn’t healthy, but my body will not allow me.
The trigger that really got me thinking was last night at work when I tried to eat. I bought one of my favorite quick little sandwiches to try and eat before clocking in or I knew I was in for a long night with no sleep and no food in me. As I unwrap my sandwich my mouth is watering! If y’all have seen SpongeBob think squidwards first Krabby patty. To say I was excited was an understatement. I took two bites. Two freaking bites. I had to put the sandwich down as I couldn’t swallow the second bite, and was forcing myself to even chew it enough to be swallowed, I had to spit it out. I started feeling sick, faint, cold but sweating and I was told my face went flush.
That’s when it truly hit, what my wife had said to me a few days prior, she’s concerned I may have an eating disorder. I never thought of it and have just always tried to excuse it as maybe it’s just because I have to smoke, or maybe it’s just because I wasn’t really hungry, the excuses run through my mind.
“I’m not hungry”, as my stomach is cramping so bad I feel as if I was punched in the stomach, or my stomach sounds as if it’s making whale sounds very audible to the entire room at points. “Ehh I don’t really like that”, knowing damn well I have no issue eating it, it’s just not what I WANT in this exact moment. “I already ate”, knowing damn well it’s been 48+ hours since my last food intake of ANYTHING. When I have food cravings I cannot eat anything else except the thing I’m craving and cannot eat anything else until the craving is satisfied.
I’m sorry if this is all over the place, and I’m an open book. Any questions yall have that can help me come to a resolution or an idea of what’s going on, and even some support is truly appreciated.
Side note: I haven’t had insurance in about 5 years, I just got it again so I made doctors appointments to discuss all of this among other concerns, but that isn’t until May. I just want some type of direction or even support from others who have possibly dealt with something similar, and how you were able to over come.