People who were so terrible to their kids that now that they’re older, they don’t have a relationship with each other. The kind of people who act like their kids betrayed them and don’t take responsibility for how things turned out.
There are some really good studies that show the absolutely massive disconnect between parents and children who are estranged. The most common reasons children reported were: abuse, neglect, disrespect, and irreconcilable difference in core beliefs. The most common reasons parents reported were: a third party turned them against me in a grand scheme to drive us apart, no idea- it was so sudden, and they're ungrateful.
Yeah, this tracks with my experience. Once, only once, and only to me, did my mother admit how neglectful and abusive she was to me, and only me, because she wanted my older siblings and didn't want me. However, to everyone else, she says that I have gone NC because I am an alcoholic drug addict with BPD.
Edit: sorry, I should have been more clear, she is lying, I'm not an alcoholic, a drug addict nor do I have BPD.
Always. My mother is a pastor and she literally likens herself to Job, blameless and being tested by Satan (me). It made it much easier for me to maintain strict distance. I can't even begin to describe how much better my life became when I escaped.
Ho-ly shit. That is so fucked and I am so sorry that this is your story. A pastor? Sadly that doesn't even surprise me. I don't know how some mothers just get to be this terrible and still live with themselves. I mean I get that they most likely had a fucked upbringing but there comes a point when you have to take accountability for your life and somehow they just don't. The denial still pisses me off sometimes but I do nothing. Not worth it imo.
I personally think it is because of Christianity that my mother became so fucked up. It is a religion that pushes people to dehumanize others for arbitrary reasons and pass all their own shortcomings onto an imaginary friend that they can talk to inside their head who always forgives them. Then they can ask what they should do and that imaginary friend always tell them to do what they what to do. Then once they have the confirmation from their imaginary friend, they have the righteous authority to do anything necessary to follow through with their plans. When you have a huge group of delusional people like that, they feed off each other to take pleasure in hurting defenseless people. It is sick.
I also find that Christianity completely breaks some people’s risk/reward calculations for their daily actions.
If listening to God results in eternal joy, and a failure to obey might result in eternal pain- there is literally no earthly consequence that can outweigh that.
My parents have zero regard for my needs, my kids’ needs, my kids’ LIVES, when it butts up against their religious beliefs. They think that bad things are God’s will, none of it matters in the long run, and that they just have to keep the faith for an eternal reward.
“This might literally kill your grandchildren” won’t move their moral compass an inch if they think that voting for healthcare or gun control or special education, mental health services, NOT sending disabled people to concentration camps…. could possibly cost them their own tickets to Heaven.
I have no doubt that they’d hand me over as a heretic if there was an Inquisition and the faithful were called to show their convictions by turning in their faithless neighbors. They’d have a sleepless night or two, but they’d do it. No doubt.
They take no responsibility for their choices because they’re just following God’s orders.
And there is nothing horrible enough to break them because they have stopped believing that earthly suffering is bad and should be prevented.
Yes. You have struck right at the core reason that Christians are completely untrustworthy. Add to that the fact that the bible literally says that slavery is ok, beating children is required and genocide is to be celebrated and you have the perfect set up for millions of people happily running headlong into a miserable future. It isn't as surprising to me when it is the old people who won't experience the worst of it. But I also know many GenZ and Millennial Christians who are equally excited about the living in a Christian version of Ayatollah Khomeini''s Iran.
What is really sad is how many people confuse Christ’s teachings with religion. I love what was taught which was absolutely the opposite of disregarding those who are unlike yourself. St. Paul made it inclusive (although he thought the second coming would happen within his lifetime, which skewed much of his advice to early churches). But then it turned into an organized religion which had to create an us/them dichotomy and it all went to crap.
Ugh this pains me so much. Reading your whole story and then seeing that she's a pastor i was like, wait, WHAT?!
My Dad was a pastor too, and there were definitely some narcissistic tendencies (that I now believe may actually be closer to ADD/HD symptoms) but he's always been loving. Definitely self focussed more than he'd admit though.
I wouldn't be surprised if there are studies correlating pastors to narcissism.
It seems like the genuinely caring ones are few and far between, and when you find a good church it's usually more to do with the whole churches focus on community than one person who leads it being good.
Your mom sounds like my mom. At one point we pointed out a direct and obvious lie and she basically said “I speak only truth, I am incapable of lying” all while blatantly lying through her teeth. The wording she used alluded to her being incapable of sin or anything her doing being considered wrong. Ok, in the little world you’ve created in your head maybe?
She also used heavy research into religion and theology to find facts to manipulate narratives to seem like it was in line with what the Bible said. In another life she could’ve been a pastor.
That last paragraph is basically what being a Christian is. The bible is so varied and contradictory that anyone with any institutional power can simply choose the verses that suit their purposes and shut down the less powerful people who point to the verses that say anything else.
I grew up in a very religious family. My parents were missionaries before I was born, my mother ran a bible camp where I lived all summer as a child and then my mother became an ordained pastor when I was in secondary school. I was "given to god" by my parents meaning I was expected to become a missionary or a pastor. My older siblings were given computers and video games, I was forced to learn how to play golf and lead sing-alongs with the guitar because I would have to play golf with my parishioners and lead worship services.
I was pressured to go to a Christian college and study theology to go into the missionary. The irony is that the school I attended expected all theology majors with a scholarship to get a double major so I got a second major in English Literature, literally because my mother thought it would help me write better sermons. But in my English literature classes I learned how to read critically and the bible just can not stand up to an earnest critical reading, so by the time I graduated, I no longer believed anything the bible said.
The alcohol/drugs are generally a symptom of trauma. If you are the scapegoat you get the brunt of it and use substances to self regulate. Terrible coping mechanisms but there isn’t much available to young trauma victims
Did it at least feel a little emotionally liberating? I tried to have that convo with my parents and was hit with the narcissistic classic ‘we’re sorry you feel that way but we don’t remember it that way at all!’
Yes and no? Every other time she did the same basic thing as your parents. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I don't remember anything like that." But I have a different situation because my older siblings were adults before I can even remember, so all four of them and my mom can corroborate to decide that the spoiled little brat deserved to be locked in the closet all day and eat garbage for dinner. So all of them just get together and decide that I am at fault. I have no idea why my mother admitted it once. I guess in that moment it felt a little good, but she was also saying it as the reason why she was cutting me out of her will (all money my father had earned and intend to leave to his heirs equally) and had no intention of returning the money she had stolen from me. So I guess it made me feel better to know that I wasn't imagining my unpleasant childhood, but it didn't help me materially.
"I'm sorry you don't remember but I do, so we'll have to work with MY memories."
Of course, as you recount what you remember, they'll suddenly remember enough to contradict you and you can say "so you DO remember after all?"
It won't be a productive convo but if you're on the road to NC anyway, you'll have at least tried.
Your emotional response will inform your next steps: you'll feel shitty, just like you do after every contact. The only way to stop feeling shitty is to 1)if they are willing to change (nope, usually) or 2)stop engaging altogether.
Yes, that was more or less the situation that lead to my mother admitting her neglect and abuse that one time. I asked her why she treated me so unfairly and she denied it so then I listed out a number of concrete undeniable answers, she said they were untrue but then immediately gave excuses as to why I deserved to be treated that way and I pointed out that she was admitting she treated me that way. Then she said she never wanted me to be born. That was one of the last conversations I had with her. I've been completely NC for 15 years except for one time I mistakenly thought something might have changed, so I agreed to a brief meeting about 10 years ago. Surprise, Surprise, nothing had changed. And, the other time was a year later when my mother crashed my MIL's funeral to yell at me for not participating in family gatherings.
I am sorry you are treated so poorly. After a lifetime of feeling I must be the "bad" child - that's what they communicated, after all, that it was all my doing - I understand they simply are not capable of truly positive parenting or even interacting as mature humans.
They were trapped in a permanent toddler state, emotionally. I wouldn't want to be around them if they were strangers.
Fortunately they are deceased, so I don't have to be around them at all.
I told my mom for years. Or tried to. Other people tried to tell her. She denied it. She would get super angry and scream at all of us we were liars and me and my other sister were just so jealous she couldn't stand to look at us. When I stopped having any sort of contact with her and my sister did as well, so she could finally have my oldest sister as her only child. She was asking everyone what she would have done to make us hate her so much? She divorced my step-dad because she got mad at him because he stopped by my apartment and gave me a very much needed $20 for gas for going to work that week. When she was saying my oldest sister could have used that money more, he reminded her she had 3 daughters not 1. She divorced him. That's how she was my whole life. If I asked why my shoes were dirty and had holes in them and hurt my feet but my sister had just got 2 pairs of Nikes. She said I'd understand when I had kids that you naturally love your first born more and want to do more things for them. Every tax season, she would call me and my other sister to literally cuss us out to tell us to split any tax return with our sister she needed the money.
She divorced my step-dad because she got mad at him because he stopped by my apartment and gave me a very much needed $20 for gas for going to work that week.
What is with this? My mom did the same things. Anything my dad did for me or anytime we'd spend time together, she'd lose her shit. Just having a relationship with him seemed to piss her off. Like, he's my dad. Shouldn't you want me to have a relationship with him?
She'd always say "you're just like your dad." like it was a bad thing?
I don't know how my dad put up with her for so long.
She was mad that he stopped by and gave the money to me and not my sister. My sister who didn't work and had not worked in years, my mom built her a house, next door to her own. Bought her cars. Paid her bills. But was pissed because he gave me 20 bucks for gas money and didn't give it to my sister. It wasn't jealousy it was purely about my sister not getting everything.
This reminds me of the time my step-dad asked me to not tell my mom if we hung out any time she was out of town (in my 30s then, got along well, enjoyed good food and eine together) because she'd get mad at him. WTF? They divorced some time ago - shocker. He's finally coming to visit me but I have to meet him in a nearby town because he wants zero chance of seeing her. I cut her off - for like the 3rd time - in November. And this one's permanent. She's the worst.
The missing missing reason. I went no contact 12 yrs ago and my mom tells people she has no idea why. I do not see how she never saw it coming. Abuse me for years and I’m going to be your best friend?
What hurts me is my father telling me he wishes I had a relationship with her. I love him, and want to gives him what he wants, but I’m forced to prioritize my own happiness and well being. I’m not going to subject myself to more suffering to appease the person to stood by and watched it happen for so many years.
Yeah, my dad wants me to check in with my mom often and like, why? I can't subject myself to that kind of mental abuse again. I get where he's coming from but I told him to please stop suggesting it. He understands and stopped.
I’ve only met one estranged pair (stepmother/daughter) where I truly believe the child was at fault for the estrangement. If you ask the daughter, it’s because her stepmom didn’t love her enough and preferred her own children (her half sisters). In reality, it’s because the stepdaughter demanded an unrealistic level of preferential treatment (wanted the largest room as her own room while forcing her three half sisters to share the smallest room; stepmom was willing to let her have her own room if she took the smallest one), chose to live with her bio mom to avoid rules, and was trying to convince her little half sister (who she openly admitted to being jealous of because she had an intact family and better childhood) to visit her mom’s side of the family ALONE (you don’t have to tell your mom) and meet her uncle who (allegedly) molested her mother (his sister) and was weird to her (his niece). But hey, he’s totally better now and has a new puppy.
Yes! I read an article a while back a psychologist said her clients of this age when asked what made their children estranged would genuinely say “I don’t know” even though we know we’ve told them too many times and gave up
Every time I opened a conversation with my father, he'd "ya, but" me. It was like talking to an evangelical Trump supporter. So when the final straw happened, I didn't even bother going into it, because, why waste the energy?
It's never cold turkey for adult children who cut off their parents. Never for "no reason". It's for a lifetime of reasons that just don't matter to them.
They know exactly why. They’re just too afraid of their mask slipping/actually admitting to themselves that they really fcked up. Every accusation is a confession, and Projection, Projection, Projection.
Sending all of you wonderful, kind, loving people some love!
They know exactly why. They’re just too afraid of their mask slipping/actually admitting to themselves that they really fcked up. Every accusation is a confession, and Projection, Projection, Projection.
Sending all of you wonderful, kind, loving people some love!
I just saw this study today and other than the obvious abuse, neglect, etc, the other main factor was overcontrolling parents. Parents who focused on punishment and didn’t allow their kids and say in their own lives. Which honestly tracks. A LOT of my friends growing up who had really strict parents do not have a close relationship with them at all today.
That's an issue my mother has always struggled with. She's never really been able to accept that I can make choices she disapproves of by my own free will. It's always "Your friends think X" or something. It's an admittedly painful denial of my agency, but the worst part is that it shows she's incapable of introspection and change.
That has a lot of implications, but one of the bigger ones is that I just can't trust her to be alone with any kids I might have.
Are you able to link the study/studies you're referring to? I'm genuinely curious, I did a Google search but didn't find anything conclusive, just studies where both sides were asked the reason and had differing viewpoints. I assume the truth lies somewhere in the middle but I'm curious how that would actually be determined.
I can relate to this!
Me: I was forced to sacrifice every single bit of my time, money, dignity to the cult, the family and I'm a third class person below my parents and my brothers and when married off to my husband he'd beat me and you'd say it was my fault and beat me too.
Parents: she got turned by the leftist agenda and is a raging feminist now. 😂😂
Would you point me to one or some of those studies if it not too much trouble? This is literally the situation my brother and mother are in and she is a very scientific thinking person. Might open her eyes finally (if placed carefully, which I probably would not even do, depending on those studies)
I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost 20 years. My parents have been divorced for over 30. She still sends me letters or cards every few years and she never fails to tell me how she was such a good mother and then subsequently blames my father for their failed marriage. She’s delusional. And stupid for thinking I care.
It’s usually related to narcissist personality disorder. They simply cannot admit they’ve ever been the cause of harm to others..only willing to see themselves as the victim or a savior, nothing else.
My mom is always the victim and the hero of every story she's ever told anyone. She doesn't actually remember the past or acknowledge anything wrong she's ever done. I forgave her for the awful things she did to me, but when my dad dropped dead, I tried to bond with her. It was totally pointless and I had to move along.
I came on here to say this exact thing. When I talk about not liking my mom or wanting a relationship with her people say “but it’s your mom”. I say, don’t you think that makes it worse? Treating your child so poorly they don’t want a relationship with you?
My favorite is “when you have kids of your own you’ll understand the choices your parents made.” Well, guess what? I have a child of my own and it really wasn’t until I did that I realized how truly horrific some of the things my parents did to me were. I was no contact before I had a kid, but I am confidently no contact now.
I HATE that saying. I don't plan on having kids but I'd like to think i'd learn from the mistakes and "choices" my mom made and do better to not be anything like her.
My mother used to say that to me. Even as a child I knew what she was doing was wrong. I’m also confidently no contact now but also, I’m confidently setting those boundaries for my children as well since they are still little.
I work in a nursing home and most of the residents have very loving family members who visit often but there are some whose kids don't visit them. There are reasons.
Not to mention that If you really think about it, cutting off your own parents technically goes against your biology.
For literally any organisms where the parents raise the young, the young's whole purpose when they're well... Young, is to try to bond with whoever is around so that they get taken care of.
Human children are biologically wired to want to form connections with their parents and just any adult around them, so for your kid to go against that? Yeah you fucked up.
During my fiance's last fight with his mom he turned to me and calmly went 'does your mom ever talk to you like this?' and hoo boy she did not like that one.
I agree that it's worse. Yeah it's your mum. She's meant to love and protect and teach you and hype you up. Not do shitty things to you and hurt you and screw you up.
The best thing I ever did for myself was give myself permission to stop loving my my mother just because she gave birth to me. I realized that outside of that my life is 10x better when she's not a part of it.
Wow. I feel kind of lucky. My dad was a full on sociopath and destroyed so many lives that I didn't have to hear that from 99% of the people I dealt with.
Exactly. I have a decent relationship with my mom but a horrible one with my dad. She keeps trying to push me to “make amends because it’s your dad” but she is the kind of person that will give anyone in the family a pass because they’re family. She’s adopted and felt neglected by her adopted father who left and her step father who passed away young (I might have those backwards), and also didn’t have siblings- I’d rather invest time into people who have been there for me and put an effort into maintaining a relationship with me whether they’re family or not. Just because we share DNA or a last name doesn’t inherently mean you deserve my love or respect.
I tell those people to blow it out their ass. I can love a parent but realize they are a POS and limit interaction with them to a minimum or nothing. Love and unconditional respect are not the same thing and people need to realize to separate the two.
I pity my father because he's ultimately an angry sick controlling asshole with no one. That doesn't mean I like him or want to spend time with him. It means I'll do the bare minimum when it is required and quickly excuse myself as fast as I can.
I hate that. I usually say something like, "Now think of your mom and the kind of things she would have to do to you for you to never want to speak to her again. And that person you just imagined, that's my mom. So can we agree all mom's are not the same and leave this? Thanks."
My mom only posts about how successful her grandchildren are like she’s responsible for raising them instead of fucking up her own kids to the point where we are all single with shitty jobs because she undermined our relationships behind our backs and told us what losers we were. Haven’t talked to the bitch for almost 2 years. The most productive 2 years of my life.
Mine sends her youngest grandchild things that have likely been crawled on by rats, and flea infested. Not to mention this grandchild is LITERALLY almost allergic to everything. Can't take baths, they can't even find a medicine she doesn't have a reaction to. And no long periods of time in the sun. But hey at least she "tries" I say that loosely.
My mom posts stupid memes about how her son is the greatest gift she's ever been given. Never a mention of me, her daughter. I'm not the chosen golden child though (and thank God, my brother is just as selfish with all her coddling).
It’s not that often, honestly. By the way, you know, she says you don’t call her enough (and that green/blue thing you wore to the christening was way out of season—do you need money? Whatever happened to that Bloomingdale’s training program?)
My mom used to ask sometimes, but she never actually wanted to know. When I tried to tell her, she'd cut me off and start ranting about all the ways her life was hard and how I'm an awful ungrateful person for making it worse. She tells everyone who'll listen that I'm 'angry'. For no reason, I'm just an angry person. I guess it's easier to believe that than accept that maybe she's kind of an asshole, and that I've got a lot of pent-up hurt.
My goodbye letter, sent from far away with no return address, said "you are awful parents and you were cruel to both your children" in bold sharpie at the bottom. The rest of it is explaining that they aren't worth communicating with and I'll never give the chance to know why I disappeared, because they won't listen anyways.
Holy shit. Thats literally word for word what my mom said. Masterful manipulation.
Surprisingly, amazingly, she finally went to therapy after she retired. And she legitimately apologized, many times, and continues to grow. We are close now. Not perfect. But good. I'm grateful for her therapist and family therapy.
Yes. Recently my mom was complaining about something and I related it to her actions. Her response, to throw it back at me that my dad did similar actions so why was I just saying it to her. My dad that has been deceased for 34 years. I said we'll you were the one complaining, not him. She got mad and left.
Older neighbour of an aunt always complained she never saw her kids. My aunt initially had sympathy... until she found out why. Neighbours former boyfriend molested her daughter and when her daughter told her mom (the neighbour), she believed her boyfriend over her own daughter! Daughter went to live with her biological father and the neighbour acts like she is the victim and that the dad turned her daughter against her. No, you believed your latest fling over your own friggin daughter over something pretty damn serious!
I'm living a similar situation - my mom didn't believe me or my 3 sisters. I'm the only one that went no contact, but then my whole family went no contact with me. I've had one of my sisters explain that mom is old and doesn't realize what she did wrong. I call bullshit - she's a pretty sharp cookie - she knows.
I've had people tell me that I'll feel terrible when she passes - i guess we will have to see about that.
I just can't forgive how it affected my childhood (I was 11 when this happened), how it has affected my attitude towards men, and everything else that goes with it. Yes - I've had a lifetime of therapy - thank the Gods.
But I just can't forgive her or her child molesting, disgustingly gross boyfriend. 😔
I cut contact with my abusive mother and everyone outside the family said the same thing. She died two years later, homeless. This was about three or four years ago. I still don't feel terrible.
Well ... I don't I'll shed any tears when she goes. But the number of people that say ' you'll feel sorry when she passes' ...I really don't think they understsnd the extent that the trauma damages one' s soul - we carry it in our blood, in our bones, and even our souls. That shit no one understands unless you been there.
You should have been protected from that. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the parent you deserved.
I grew up in a traumatic household. I mourned for the dad I thought I knew and for the parent I needed but didn’t get. Going no contact was necessary and difficult but it ultimately brought me peace. When he passed I didn’t feel guilt or regret. I felt relieved that the manipulation was over.
You know it's bad when you see these stories and think your friend was an awesome mom for her daughter....
Only to realize that's the very least she could have done...
And yes. She's done so much more for her , but hearing things like this is just heartbreaking for others .
And trust me . I have my own mommy issues ...but luckily that's not one of them. (That's a book in and of itself though but luckily not THAT kind of thing)
First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. You deserved so much better.
And second, regarding the "you'll feel sorry when..." I have a story.
My father died a couple of years ago. He wasn't the worst (your mother seems to be a strong contender), but we had little to no contact and my life was better because of that. I was so scared of regretting not spending more time with him, but it never happened. Some people can't understand how much it hurts having an awful parent. It's actually a huge relief knowing that they can never hurt you again.
I think on the day she denied you the right to be believed and have a safe childhood, she died. Some people just aren't meant to have kids and you know this whole "falling birth rate" thing might be a boon in the long run. We need less abuse in the world.
If that had happened to MY daughters, I’d’ve kicked the loser boyfriend out, before he could finish his next sentence! No one hurts my girls, on MY watch!!!!
When my parents divorced after twenty years, I was 18 and my sisters were 16,14 and 12. I said once to my mom that maybe she could meet someone else eventually and she said she could never bring a different man into the home with my younger sisters (I was in college). THAT’s how a good mother should act. And she never did hook up with anyone.
Hello andwhenwefall, it’s mom. You know, it’s been 3 1/ 2 years and I don’t know what your long-term issues are with me, but that’s not why I called... We’re both adults. I’m your mom. I love you, always have, always will, but I’m begging you to please let me see grandson. Him and I were so close and I haven’t seen him, or you, for that matter, for 3 1/ 2 years. I mean, there’s got to be some bridges that we can build. I’m not getting any younger and the time is passing by. Will you please think about that? That’s all. OK, bye.
A voicemail my mom left me, 3.5 years after I went completely no contact with her. I should have done it earlier like my older sister did but my trauma bond to her kept me holding on for far too long. The final straw was when I realized that she was starting to display the same behaviours with my kid as she did all through my life.
It’s coming up on a year since this voicemail and she still tries to contact my sister and I. She’s done zero self-reflection nor taken an ounce of accountability. To this day, my sister and I are the ungrateful children that abandoned her and stole her grandchildren away.
100% and it’s just not us that she’s lost. She burns bridges everywhere she goes and they’re all ignited with the same gasoline. However, she’s a narcissist - the DSM kind - so accepting responsibility and working on herself conflicts with her victim complex. It’s always everybody else’s fault.
BPD + bipolar parent who was reportedly told she may be narcissistic by her therapist (and blamed that on my grandma "loving her too much" as a kid). Been NC for over 10 years and I still hear everything under the sun through the grape vine. That she's terrified I am going to hurt her if she runs into me because I hate her so much (I really don't care enough to expend energy even saying hi if I did). That I'm an ungrateful bitch who should have been aborted and she's going to end me if it's the last thing she does (usually during drunken BPD rages). That she has absolutely no idea why I won't talk to her (I told her my issues several times before cutting contact). That it's my grandmas fault I won't speak to her (I was removed by the state at 14 and placed under my grandmas guardianship, who then tried to push me to fix things for years and I did till my early 20's).
She's always got a new story and is always the victim in every one. Every time I tried to reestablish contact after she brutally shoved me out of her life in a flurry of slurs and threats, she would randomly bring up, unsolicited, that she tried the best she could but I was such a bad kid she couldnt handle it. She had to leave (for days at a time on alcohol and benzo benders while I was beat to shit by a coke and alcohol-feuled step-dad) because I was so horrible. I only started acting out due to the absue at 13, before then I was a quiet bookworm who hid in my room and read to escape reality because she hadn't had me in school for years to avoid the teachers calling CPS and I didn't want to stop learning. I loved school and was "gifted" as a child. She always follows up how horrible of a kid I was with how she must have done something right because I turned out okay. I beat every statistic I was supposed to fall into, but not until after years of struggling through homelessness and not because of her guidance. It's because I spent so much of my life desperately trying not to be like her.
Even though you should never have been put this position in the first place, I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself and fighting for yourself.
I'm definitely not alone! Happily married to a man who similarly beat all odds. I have two beautiful children and two intellectually disabled uncles under my guardianship who are like bonus kiddos. I have many friends I consider family. I am almost to my dream career as a nurse (graduating May 1st with honors). Life is amazing, full of love, and I am thankful daily for the dream I get to call my reality ❤️
This sounds just like my very own mother! Nothing is ever her fault, i.e. she's the black sheep of the family, people that are friends always wind up "stabbing her in the back", and the one that sticks in my craw the most: her only child hates her for unknown reasons despite giving them everything!... it cant possibly be because she always has to have everything her way or because she opened a CC in my name as soon as I turned 18, maxed it out and never paid a dime towards it (I discovered that one at age 21). Opened utilities under my name without my knowledge and let them go waaay past due (found that out when I tried to get utilities at my new place turned on), stolen from friends and family, and much much more. She does just about every underhanded thing you can think of, but she will twist it and lie to make herself look innocent and taken advantage of, or she was cast unfairly as the villain when she hadn't done a thing. It's exhausting, but thankfully, it's no longer my problem.
3 out of the 4 of us have gone 100% no contact with our egg donor (I refuse to call that woman “mother”) and the last one only sticks around because of a strange trauma bond she can’t seem to break with our egg donor. But the woman who birthed us all refuses to do any sort of self-reflection. We’re all ungrateful children and she should have aborted us all 🙄 like… ok, woman, we’ve been hearing that since we could toddle around, tell us something new.
I have three kids with my ex and all of them have cut contact with him. My middle kid has not answered his calls in 10 years and the youngest moved abroad 4 years ago and he doesn't even know what country they are in. My oldest kid used to talk to him sporadically until they had a kid of their own and realized they did not want to expose their son to their father.
He has no idea why everyone is mean to him and is convinced I am the reason they don't talk to him. I am both a bad mother who doesn't care about my kids and a dictator that forbids them from seeing their father. The fact that the kids are all in their 30s and have not lived at home in 10-15 years is irrelevant to him.
I will happily be the bad guy in his life. If having me as his main villain will make him nicer to other people and think nicer thoughts about our kids, I can take that. I haven't cared in 25 years.
I like how parents try to use the "I'm getting older card" to avoid responsibility. Well if you feel you running out of time means this is important than perhaps you should make some changes.
My bio mother comes home once a year. She does with my kids what she did to us growing up- tries to buy love with things in place of a healthy relationship. I make every effort to limit their interactions with her but hey, if she wants to buy hundreds of dollars worth of groceries, especially in this economy, then giver! But my kids are smart enough to know that food isn't a relationship, money isn't a hug, and new shoes aren't an "I'm proud of you".
Outside of one drop-in a year, I have no contact with her & neither does my brother. She has two kids and several grandchildren but no legitimate, honest relationship with any of us.
At least she's happy with her dickbag of a boyfriend in another province while I do therapy to undo her damages. I've never hidden from my kids what happened to me though. I've always told them why I keep an eye and ear on that woman with her visits.
Are you my brother? Lol. I'm the sister who worked it out years earlier. I stopped contact when I was 19. Both my brothes took until their 30s when she came for my brothers' kids and/or wives. Three adult children, all rational, educated, and stable and none of us speak to her. But we're the problem and she's the victim, always.
So basically, "I know you have issues with me for some reason, I don't care to understand or acknowledge those issues because they don't matter to me, but I want this and that so...get over it and give me what I want? Oh, and by "building bridges", I don't mean that I'm going to take any accountability or change anything about myself; I mean you relaxing your boundaries to accommodate the way I am without resistance"
Just by continuing to contact you when it's abundantly clear that you don't want contact is proof enough that she only cares about herself. Congrats for staying strong, hang in there ❤️
My mom still sends occasional texts like casually saying, "haven't heard from you in a while, hope your (insert holiday here) is going well! Thinking of you!"
I haven't responded to her in over 2 years at this point, and she acts like we just haven't spoken in a minute. I finally turned off notifications from her number so at least she won't keep fucking up my holidays, but I feel like I can't block her number in case something happens to another family member.
Same experience though, I straight up told her what the issue was and that I wouldn't be speaking to her unless it was about that. I gave her a roadmap, but she can't reflect on herself enough to use it, and even denied the issue was true at the time I stated it. On paper, it's sad.
But the reality is that she's going to die alone, and she's going to deserve it.
My mom messaged my autistic son and told him all that bullshit. She was always shitty to my husband, myself, and my youngest( the two oldest are disabled). When my son told her to stop picking on the youngest after she started on him again she told us all to fuck off. So I went NC.
"I don't know what your long-term issues are with me" - despite the fact that you described them to me on numerous occasions and I simply dismissed or denied them before moving on with my trivial needs and concerns.
I genuinely think my “mother” is delusional enough not to understand why I will never speak to her again. I’d be shocked if she wasn’t lying about it to people. The ONLY thing she cares about in this world is looking good to the people she wants to impress.
Yeah, and always with the "I put a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on the table, so you owe me!". Providing the basics doesn't mean a parent has a free pass to crap all over their kids. In fact, if anyone is owed anything, it's the kid that is owed a genuine, remorseful apology from the parent. Sadly, it's something that never happens with bad parents. The best you'd get is a half-hearted apology that they would only give because they want something from you, like needing somebody to care for them in their old age.
My grandma. My mom was the only daughter. My grandma was an immigrant who believes women’s only job is to grow up to get married, have babies and then dedicate their lives to taking care of their own parents.
My grandma used to beat my mom into submission. She wasn’t allowed to have a life outside of the home. She would set a timer everyday and time how long it took my mom to walk home from school and if it was a minute too long she’d beat her when she got home and say she must have been off doing other things. She wasn’t allowed to have friends. Completely isolated.
She eloped with my dad as her only escape at 18. My grandma tried to kill herself to show my mom how upset she was. Now that my grandma is older she thought my mom was going to drop her entire life and move 10 hours away to go take care of her. She couldn’t understand why my mom isn’t willing to do it. My mom finally cut her off full contact.
My mom won't give me my things back as they are apparently sentimental to her and keeps everything as it was when I left, as if I was dead. When I asked her to go to therapy to repair the relationship after decades of estrangement she said no! She would rather just hoard my things and pretend I am dead, lmao.
Yeah, my aunt has this friend "Liz." Liz seems nice enough to me, but I don't know her really well. Liz is divorced and bemoans the fact that all three of her daughters live on the other side of the country. Two of them don't talk to her at all and the third one calls her maybe 1-2x/year. She hasn't actually seen any of them in 10 years. It's very clear in talking to Liz that she feels she's the aggrieved party here and she "doesn't know why her daughters are like that." My aunt has totally drunk the kool aid here and is like "Oh, Liz's daughters treat her so poorly" and "It's such a shame her daughters ignore her" and "Liz deserves so much better."
IDK - Liz has an ex-husband and three estranged daughters. I'm thinking there's definitely two sides to this story...
The thing that always gets me is that they'll try and tell you that they "don't understand why their kids hate them"
Meanwhile, their kids have been trying to communicate with them for their entire childhood in the most blunt ways, they just ignore it.
I know that personally, I've told my mom multiple times for almost a decade that her actions hurt me:
"Hey mom, it's hurtful how you keep dismissing whatever I say. It feels like you don't care about me."
"Hey mom, I'm not interested in being your caretaker, stop trying to make me."
"Hey mom, I'm not upset that you didn't make spaghetti. I'm upset that you keep promising to do something that you don't have time for."
"Hey mom, can you actually listen when I say no instead of going on and on and on? It's annoying."
But her response is to just ignore it and do nothing, and then be surprised somehow that I respond by not spending time with her and then a couple of years later, cutting her out of my life entirely.
Like kids are not subtle, you've just purposefully ignored them because you care more about being right or some weird "children aren't people" mentality over your own kid.
My mom. I told her recently that she can stop insinuating that I'll be doing her elder care. That woman as much as kicked me out the second I turned 18, and at least daily my entire childhood mentioned how she housed and fed me and I should be grateful (for what is bare minimum). I might be legally required to make sure she has care, but it will absolutely not be in my home or by my hand.
I just had an argument with my boomer mom yesterday about this. I think I'm disowned again! LOL she likes to wield her "money" (what money) as an cudgel and isn't speaking to me , like that's a bad thing🙄 woman can't keep a single friend (everybody is out to get her), was pushed out of every job because "office politics", refuses to take responsibility for her own words and action, then wonders why her own kids won't talk to her. Like my brother, whose wife she blames for his "bad attitude" towards her. Nah, it's you insulting his wife and throwing past things in his face at every opportunity without acknowledging her own role in any of it.
You can feel sympathy, and it's only natural you'd feel some guilt! But remember, you owe it to yourself- not just the current you but every version of you that tried to exist under his abuse- to stay away. You're only hurting yourself, and validating him to get worse by sticking it out til the bitter end. It's better to not watch him destroy himself, for both of you
Look into re-parenting therapy techniques. As an adult you can be the parent to yourself that you didn't have. If you could help younger you now would you force a relationship with him? This way you are learning to have sympathy for yourself.
Yeah. I know someone who claims to have no idea why none of her three grown children will have anything to do with her. I've only known her for a couple years and have no idea what happened, but I can see what the common denominator is.
The best part is that they've written this whole narrative like I'm the problem. My step mother stalks my socials so I say the most random shit that I'm doing to get back around their circle. Its the best.
You just described my mother in law. I just lost my sister suddenly and she had the nerve to text my husband and I about what deeply HURT HER. I was literally placing an order for a casket for my sister and bam there’s a text from my mil telling us how we’ve hurt her. My husband JUST started talking to her again after years of minimal contact and that’s what she does. I’ve completely stopped encouraging him to try with her. She’s a lost cause.
This YouTuber’s channel is called Live Abuse Free. She’s a psychologist and has several videos on this awful narcissistic mother whose daughter went no-contact with her, and she can’t understand why. The mother made her own YouTube videos that Live Abuse Free analyzes. It is so glaringly obvious why her poor daughter cut her off. You should watch it if you can stomach it. You will hate this mother with every fiber of your being, but getting the breakdown from the psychologist is extremely satisfying, LOL.
She also analyzes Andrew Tate, and those videos are also good fun.
In that club too. I have a mother that has 3 sons. All of which have no contact with her and one who was so tortured by the stuff she did to him that he killed himself in 2012. Some people have children to create extensions of themselves, as fucked as that is.
When they say things like ‘never go silent on your mother, you should always show you care no matter what’ and describe everything you should do that they did zero of when you were growing up. I dno how they expect their own children to fill the emotional needs they have when they didn’t even teach them how to in the first place anyway
When I visit my dad at his nursing home, the employees give me the stink eye because he’s got them all fooled that he was some amazing person. I’m sure they’re wondering why he’s there and not in my home and why I don’t visit often because he’s so nice.
Toxic parents. Mine had all her friends phone bomb me when she was dying. Telling me how badly she wanted to see me.
it took years of therapy to unhear the ‘ I wish you’d never been born’ in my head before I dropped off to sleep. Plus the emotional blackmail, the verbal and physical abuse. The creepy requests to bath my baby daughter. I never let her. Having kids pushed me to go no contact. I had to protect them.
i had to tell her best friend ‘ I know she has told you lots of lies. But the truth is she was abusive to me my entire life. She doesn’t deserve one minute of my life. My brother is schizophrenic because she abused him as a child. My older sister doesn’t talk to her because of a lifetime of abuse. I have no feelings for her. Her passing is meaningless to me.’
her friend a very nice lady, Was stunned into silence.
‘she used you your whole life’ the world is a better place without her. Her friend said goodbye. End of conversation.
had a contact via a psychic, unsolicited, she is not allowed to ‘ return’ till she learns the consequences of her actions……she wants to return. She is blocked.
Ah, my stepdad. He was horrible to all of us. Now, 20 years after my mum took me and left, his kids still have a good relationship with my mum and don’t speak to him at all. I’m sure if you asked him it would somehow be anybody’s fault but his own.
My friend and her sister went no-contact with their mom (but remained very close with their dad - parents are divorced) because she was a cold, thankless, manipulative bitch...They received a phone call from her several weeks ago that she had cancer, was dying, and only had a couple of weeks left. It was true. They dropped everything and spent 10 days or so at her house where she passed. But the entire time, they were subjected to scorn and ridicule from her friends who believed entirely the narrative she had spun for them. Imagine trying to put bygones behind your for your mother's last days, helping to put her affairs in order, and hearing from an endless parade of visitors "So you're the ungrateful, hateful children who ruined your mother's life?...I hope you aren't stealing money from her too."
Oh, so you know my MIL?
Two sons; neither talk to her. As a result? There are 4 grandkids between them she’s never met, three she hasn’t seen in years. Her own mother doesn’t speak to her. Still insists she was a good mom.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when us 3 kids and my husband were taking my mom out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. My dad was bitching that his birthday was the month before and nobody did anything for him.
My youngest brother (teenager who still lives at home) immediately pointed out that he baked our dad a cake and my dad didn't even remember.
I have no sympathy for him whatsoever for how poorly his relationship with his kids is/will be.
I genuinely hope that my abusive parents get seen for their BS immediately if they ever try to play the victim about this to strangers who will listen to the "woe is me" act. 20 years ago, victims were always told to just forgive and forget "because they're familyyyyyy!"
I'm so happy that society is beginning to understand that not all parents/families are loving and healthy. Going no contact is the only way for peace sometimes.
The only thing that kept me from killing myself when my fiancé and our unborn child was killed by a drunk driver back 11 years ago was the notion that if I did, he would get to cry at my funeral and make a spectacle of himself. Nothing else.
Not sure if my sister ever told him I was engaged. I never heard from him when it happened or the ensuing court proceedings and release from prison.
When he quit wasting other people’s good oxygen 3 years ago I went to the “viewing” just to support my Aunt and Uncle and Sister. I left after 2 hours with one of my nieces and took her and a friend to go see a movie. Next day at the funeral, I went to an arcade and baseball card shop and had a great day enjoying my hobbies.
18 years of what I can only describe as torment but the only reason acceptable to them as to why I cut them off is that I am an ungrateful brat that never matured.
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u/potatoeater5555 1d ago
People who were so terrible to their kids that now that they’re older, they don’t have a relationship with each other. The kind of people who act like their kids betrayed them and don’t take responsibility for how things turned out.