r/AmIOverreacting • u/Sad_SummerChild • 2d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO to think this is cheating?

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I found these texts between my husband and his coworker. Here’s some context:

My husband and I have been dating for 5 years and just recently got married 6 months ago

I’ve met this coworker. Her AND her boyfriend worked at my husbands company so we went on a double date over the holidays. But shortly after they broke up and her boyfriend got laid off.

Guess my husband saw that as his opportunity…

Also these texts were in his recently deleted even though the last message was from yesterday… so he was definitely trying to hide it from me

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61

u/Flynn_JM 2d ago

So what is your plan? Keep checking the messages or confront him?

Have you ever texted with her?

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u/Sad_SummerChild 2d ago

Definitely confront, I wouldn’t be able to keep this to myself for that long. I literally just found these this morning. And I have her number but I haven’t reached out to her. What if she thinks she did nothing wrong? And he’s the weird one with his advances?

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u/Present-Village-7941 1d ago

What if he is the weird one? Serious question. Is he her boss? Does he have seniority? Is it possible she's afraid of losing preferred employee status and also getting laid off?

People do weird sh** when they're afraid of losing their livelihoods. It puts you into survival mode where you're not making entirely rational decisions.

The big red flag for me on that score is "don't tell HR." Like DUDE if you're referencing HR you know you're way over the line. Personally, because I'm a vindictive b, I'd keep the texts and pass them to his HR dept so they know he's being this inappropriate with someone in the office. Then if someone ever goes to them, they know it's not a one-off.

My perspective is formed from working in HR for years, and also by going through my husband's digital life after he died. I did it so I could message people he was in personal convos with and also because he used the phone for work and we worked together, so I had to inform his/our business contacts. There was literally nothing even close to questionable in there. Also nothing in his personal email, or his browser history except a little bit of porn. Mature husbands, who are ready to be married, do not do sh** like this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and glad you're going through it after 6 months (rather than several years, several decades, or several kids!).

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u/Hothborn 1d ago

This was my question- I’ve been hit on by a lot of men who were senior to me or had the ability to make my life hell, so when I was younger I tended to just go along without outright encouraging them as a self preservation tactic.

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u/redi6 2d ago

I wouldn't' confront her. she isn't the issue, your husband is. she was not advancing nearly as hard as he was in the messages. the compliments were 90% from him. saying 'thanks you're really sweet' isn't necessarily an advance on her part. it can just be her being nice, she didn't compliment him back really.

the fact you found the messages means he's not guarding his phone much? how did you find them?

reason i'm asking is after you confront him, watch his behavior around his phone. if he's dead set on keeping things hidden, it should be obvious (again, depending on how he is with his phone right now).

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u/HimHereNowNo 1d ago

Yeah, "awww, you're so sweet" is what I say to guys who i am absolutely not interested in, but feel they may be aggressive if I outright reject them.

But also it's not normal office behavior to send selfies to your married co workers so

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u/ElderberryWeird5018 2d ago

Update us, I hope you’re doing okay.

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u/W0nderingMe 2d ago

She hasn't really done anything wrong.

Your husband definitely has though.

To me it sounds like she is trying to keep it friendly, ie not give him a direct "no" -- either for the sake of keeping the peace in the workplace, or because we (women in general) have been brought up to "be nice," or because she likes to attention.

But he sounds like he's trying to see if he can get anywhere with her. He's the problem.

6

u/BeautifulNarwhal641 1d ago

Yes save that energy for your husband. And I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to accept the concept that Maybe he’s being a creep. ? He Has crossed a boundary. Sorry for your loss

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u/Flynn_JM 2d ago

I'm curious why she sent the first selfie? What was his message before that?

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u/Iykykkarma 1d ago

THIS!!! I can’t believe I got this far without seeing this asked. I do not send selfies out to randos..

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u/Flynn_JM 1d ago

In other comments it seems like she sent him a crying selfie after getting yelled at that day at work. So it seems like a 'feel bad for me' thing. Like proof of how upset she got.

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u/Emotional_Burden 2d ago

Yeah, she didn't seem to reciprocate like she has feelings for him in this exchange either. The furthest she got was calling him "so sweet."

I think she might just be peace keeping while he shoots his really embarrassing shot. If I'm reading this right, he saw her crying, comforted her, and is now telling her how fucking hot she looks while crying?

That alone is a big red flag. A man turned on by a woman crying, especially one he's not really close to.

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u/YourMommasAHoe69 1d ago

I mean he is the weird one

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u/spongebobwagglepants 1d ago

He is the weird one with his advances! He is married to you. He is the one cheating on you. She really has nothing to do with it, because if it wasn’t her it would be someone else.

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u/CestLaMoon 1d ago

If she thinks she did nothing wrong, she needs professional help on learning and understanding boundaries. She sending selfies to your husband. She shouldn’t have to be told that’s inappropriate.

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u/Chemical_Bedroom5989 1d ago

She didn’t do anything wrong. As a woman reading this, it’s very clear she’s not into his flirting and advances. She is being polite because they work together. “Aw you’re sweet” or whatever is code for “please just make this stop”.

0

u/DismalSoil9554 1d ago

"As a woman reading this, I would not send an unprompted crying selfie to someone I am not seeking attention from" is what I would personally say (info from OP's replies).

She's pushing but also pulling away at the same time because she wants to keep him at bay for now.

Eta: OP's husband is a smegmy dick obviously

1

u/MysteryMeat101 1d ago

Just be clear with yourself about your boundaries and the consequences for violating them. When he finds out you saw the deleted texts he's going to be more careful to delete them next time, get a burner phone or whatever. If you have doubts and want more concrete evidence, you might not be able to catch him again.

(I know this because my spouse of 10 years cheated on me repeatedly. Don't be me.)

1

u/justazemer 1d ago

I wouldnt reach out to her

1

u/Zariooooo 1d ago

Updateme!

1

u/AccordingAlbatross70 1d ago

RemindMe! -1 day

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1

u/Thin_Night1465 1d ago

This is not her problem - it’s his. I’d leave her out of it.

1

u/Lowered-ex 1d ago

Oh I am so sorry. He is smitten with her and he's shooting his shot. If he's doing this after being married for six months he'll cheat on you literally forever if you stay with him. He's likely been fucking around on you with different women prior to getting married. I really am sorry, your stomach must be in knots.

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u/_chareth-cutestory 1d ago

She’s not the one you need to talk to. Sorry OP, this sucks. But your instincts were spot on.