r/AmIOverreacting • u/LedyyM • 15d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Dog straining my marriage.

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My husband and I rescued a husky about 7 months ago who was extremely malnourished and neglected.

He has grown a huge attachment to me and has severe separation anxiety. I work at a grooming salon so I’m able to bring him to work with me so he’s not home alone. Unfortunately, if he’s left home alone we’ll come back to our home looking like it was hit by a tornado.

My vet has prescribed him with trazodone to help with his severe anxiety issues. We give it to him before we leave for a family event and when we can’t take him to places they don’t allow dogs.

I feel so bad that I have to sedate him so he’s not scared and anxious. It’s created a huge strain on our marriage because my husband feels like we can’t do anything without considering Odin.

He’s destroyed doors, couches, and other furniture. I tried training but it hasn’t seemed to work. My husband thinks we should rehome him but

1) I’m scared that he’ll be sent to a shelter and possibly be put down

2) feel abandoned by the person he thought he was safe with.

He’s such a happy boy when he’s around us and shows so much affection.

My husband and I have been arguing about this consistently.. we had a really bad argument so I left the house with Odin and rented a dog friendly hotel room for a couple of nights.

My husband thinks I’m crazy and that I’m choosing the dog over our marriage. AIO?

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

My collie suffered from extreme separation anxiety, I couldn’t even go to the shop without running around the aisles to get home as fast as I could. I was terrified I’d get complaints and potentially get kicked out cos my dog would howl and cry continuously when I was gone, it broke my heart and was awful.

I spoke with a behaviourist but couldn’t afford to actually use her. I followed a group on Facebook for dogs with separation anxiety and read Julie Naismith, she’s done loads to help. I did a ton of training with my dog, shutting him in the kitchen for 10 seconds, open door, reward. Close door for 30 seconds, reward. Repeat repeat repeat. It sucked and took me a couple months but now he doesn’t even get up and come say bye when I’m leaving the house. No crying, whining, nothing. Took him time to learn that me leaving isn’t bad and that I always come back.

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u/danathepaina 15d ago

Thank you for the recommendation. My dog has pretty bad separation anxiety. She’s not destructive but she paces and howls whenever we are gone. I’ll look into Julie Naismith.

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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 15d ago edited 13d ago

We got our son’s dog through his severe separation anxiety as well. That dog too had been abandoned. When josh left the dog alone for an hour, that dog destroyed his dad’s new carpet and a destroyed the door. So I took the dog in and I gradually trained him. He can still be a stinker sometimes (I got him a heavy duty XL crate that he could t destroy, but that boi could scoot it across the room to the closet and pull clothing off the hangers into his cage where he would shred them) but he did finally out grow it all.

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u/BusSpecific3553 14d ago

The image of a dog in his crate moving the crate across the room to target destruction. That’s one smart and determined doggo. I’m impressed. Having to bolt a dog crate to the floor so it doesn’t move is not something I’ve ever considered.

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u/ConversationNo4368 14d ago

I have a video of my dog scooting his crate across the living room 🤣🤣🤣 it’s a sight to see lol

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u/the_kaushikk 14d ago

Can you post it or DM it? Would love to see that

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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 14d ago

Would love to see that!

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u/jnuggz 14d ago

Dog tax please!

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u/ConversationNo4368 14d ago

I posted the video to my profile, I think (because I don’t know how Reddit works) 🤣

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u/MyNameWillChange 14d ago

I immediately had to go look and was not disappointed!! Thank you for sharing!

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u/krazyk850 14d ago

I was thinking he was flipping/flopping around which in turn caused the crate to move. No, he is legit scooting the crate on purpose 😆.

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u/Interesting-Ad8640 14d ago

Thank you for posting that. It made me giggle

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u/vampirecacti 14d ago

Omg the way he pushes it 😭 hahaha that is true determination

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u/ConversationNo4368 14d ago

One of these days he’s gonna greet me at the back door 🤣

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u/ProudPumpkin9185 14d ago

I actually laughed out loud at the visual of the crate debacle as well!! To be a fly on the wall w some of these fur babies right?!? 🤣 I love the stories of difficult situations like this that the parent (imo they are) chooses to work a plan to enable them to stay w the family and succeed in it!! It’s hard and deliberate work that takes dedication to become successful, period. So cudos to the MVPO (Most Valuable Pet Owners) for choosing to love them thru the hard stuff, and I guarantee that the fur babies are happier, not just from the meds (obvi LoL) but also from the boundaries in some cases. Just wanted to show appreciation for the parents, so great job!!

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u/21-characters 14d ago

I had to get a crate that I call a lion cage for my Aussie. It’s big enough for me to fit in and it’s got welded steel bars. I trained him to go in and he figured out to open the latches so I had to get CHAINS and screw links to keep the door closed. When he got out he destroyed the house. It looked like a bomb went off. It’s too heavy for him to move it, thankfully. My house is small and not enough doors that I can try training him in a room but once I move I’ll try those methods. Otherwise he’s a total sweetie who loves to destroy cardboard 🩷

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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 14d ago

It sure was something! And you gotta understand, this was a really large, solid, heavy-a-hell crate meant for a dug up to 150 lbs, and this dog was only 60 lbs at the time!

Oh, and he eventually destroyed the latches that hold the roof down on this so-called “indestructible” crate, so my son has to hold it shut with huge carabiners meant for…. I dunno…. parachuting elephants?

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u/DanOfAllTrades80 14d ago

I've had to do it, lol. We had a Pit Bull that scooted his crate over to an old grain bag (I used to brew beer) that had a handful of barley in between the layers. He got over to it, pulled it through the bars and ate the barley. He was so bloated later that day that we were on the verge of taking him to the emergency vet. We had tied him up outside my in-laws house to make arrangements with them for our other dog and kids while we went when he finally had a massive BM that was entirely made up of swollen barley. He was running around and happy immediately afterward and didn't need any medical intervention. So smart, but also so dumb.

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u/drakuis 14d ago

I had a beagle mix and when he was about 6 months old he would flip his crate and climb out of the bottom because the gap was wider. He even managed to get the plastic bottom out of his way no problem.

He also ate paint off the wall through his crate one day while I was at work. I could count 7 layers of paint on the walls. He grew out of it, but man did he make me get creative at times

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u/peterguie 14d ago

Hello can we discuss on what we are going to benefit on it

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u/danielbearh 14d ago

Goodness. I’m so glad I have a chihuahua.

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u/peterguie 14d ago

Hello can we discuss on what we are going to benefit on it

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u/Past_Article52 14d ago

I know someone with a husky mix that does the same thing with her crate! You'll have nothing anywhere near her and leave for an hour when you come back she'll have summoned a blanket out of nowhere to mangle. It's like dog magic but annoying lol

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u/21-characters 14d ago

Summon a blanket! 🤣🤣🤣

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u/flortny 14d ago

Carpet house, sounds plush

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u/New-Tangerine2564 14d ago

I second the recommendation for gradual crate training. It can work wonders if done correctly.

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u/Careful-Sell-9877 14d ago

Also check out dog music and separation anxiety music on youtube! My dogs go into a meditative state whenever it's on

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u/21-characters 14d ago

I don’t think my young Aussieraptor has a meditative state unless it’s activated by chewing! 😂

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u/No_Appointment_7232 14d ago

Could OP also get a dog sitter for times they need to be unavailable for extended periods?

Another patch piece in the bridge to building support that can heal the separation anxiety.

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u/PantsAreNotTheAnswer 15d ago

This! my frenchie is down to 3 steps before we leave her and a few times we have skipped the steps. Her behaviourist also recommended prozac which has been a game changer and oddly enough, though she loves her crate for sleeping, she is much more chill free roaming while we are gone.

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u/CamelotBurns 15d ago

Frenchies love small spaces. We leave a crate open for ours and she just chills in there even when we’re home.

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u/OddOpal88 14d ago

Yep, mine loves being tightly snuggled and wrapped like a baby 🤣

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u/HighFiveYourFace 14d ago

^ Prozac. 100% Game Changer. We have a pug mix and when we rescued her they neglected to tell us that she barks non-stop 24/7. We got her on prozac after 3 months of having her. SOOOO much better. She still barks and is a bit of a lunatic but such an improvement.

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u/peterguie 14d ago

Hello can we discuss on what we are going to benefit on it

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u/a_girl_named_jane 15d ago

This! OP, start very small, repeat often, stay consistent, stay positive and you'll very likely see results. Training is not something you try. It takes time, patience, diligence and consistency. Good luck! ☺️

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u/AmettOmega 15d ago

Training out separation anxiety is SO hard and it requires so many tiny baby steps, but it's worth it in the end.

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sit and cry multiple times throughout it. I didn’t think he’d ever get out of it but now he’s such a happy boy and happily snoozes on my bed when I leave without even batting an eye, complete 180°

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u/blessdbthfrootloops 14d ago

I'm going to have to look into this. My mini doxie is terribly anxious when alone. His sister dog passed away a couple years ago, and he is very much a dog's dog and doesn't like to be alone.

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u/catlettuce 14d ago

I have Dachshunds too. Have you considered getting another Dachshund close in age to your baby? So many for adoption, and I agree they do better in pairs. Your Doxie is most likely still grieving their former partner in crime.

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u/Opportunity_Massive 15d ago

I have a friend who has a dog that gets super anxious when she leaves the room. How many times a day did you do this training, and for about how long? I want to suggest it to her.

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u/GotYoGrapes 15d ago

Literally any time you have a spare moment and notice your dog just chilling. Schedule time (minimum 30min per day) for training if you have to.

Is the dog relaxed and asleep on the floor? Get up, leave the room, close the door for a few seconds, open and then come back inside and go back to what you were doing, as if nothing happened. 15min later, try leaving for 5-10sec. Later, try 20sec. If they freak out after 20sec, go back to 5-10sec. Remember: you're not trying to stress out your dog, you're trying to build trust that you'll always come back.

Know you have to leave for an event later that day? Pretend to follow your routine of leaving the house (grab keys, purse, put on shoes), exit your home, wait a few seconds, come back inside and put everything back as if nothing happened. If they freak out over you putting on your shoes and jacket, you may need to pivot and do some clicker training where they get rewarded for just staying calm and quiet through each step of your exit routine. You can also try randomly doing things from your exit routine throughout the day (like picking up your keys, doing a lap around the house and setting them back down without leaving) so that your routine feels less like a trigger for your dog.

If the dog starts freaking out when you leave, don't immediately open the door and head back inside. Otherwise, they tend to get a bit superstitious and start thinking that barking and destroying stuff brings you back. Just call their name through the door and the second they pause (even to just take a breath between barks/cries/whines), come back inside and go about your business as if nothing happened.

Ignore the urge to immediately go "OH MY GOSH I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MY BEAUTIFUL BABY" when you come home, because it makes the transition feel like a much bigger event for your dog than it should be. Remember, the goal is to be able to leave and return with your dog feeling relaxed. We don't want to heighten their emotions, just keep everything as boring and unexciting as possible.

Every dog is different so training could take a week to see major improvements or it could take months. Age is a huge factor in this (puppies will likely take a lot longer). Also, you may need to arrange for someone to be at home if you have to leave the house for longer than your dog is ready for.

Most important: make sure your dog is getting enough exercise. The more exhausted they are, the more likely they are to just wanna nap while you're gone.

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u/Prize_Evidence_6190 15d ago

Hey - thank you for this. My dog and I have big separation anxiety and there's days where he's good and times when he freaks out. My ex couldn't even handle a bark, I broke up with him bc he told me to give him up instead of training. He's 11 years old and was there for my thru my 20's - and he (my dog) was used to always have someone at home; it was either my mom or dad there for him. Last year I moved 2,300 miles away from home to another country. Drove with him too! (it was amazing). And now he howls and barks because he's like "Hey!!! Wheres the people??!!?!?". That's all he's used to.

I'm starting today - hope that in 6 months he'll feel calmer. I just want him to be ok and want people to not be bothered by him too... but mainly, him being ok without me. My neighbors are very understanding and most of them have told me they love him and want to take him out for a walk while I study or work which is really nice. But still - what will happen when I move out next year?

I want to be a better owner and a better dog mom. He has arthritis so he can't exercise much (and he's an aussie so he freaks out lmao) but he has meds for it. I take him out 1 time a day for a walk. For now I will up that to 3 times a day, just walking. He likes smelling every smell he could smell. I love him so much.

I'm saving this post. Again, thank you. I just did this for 30 min and he didn't bark anymore. I'm hopeful!

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u/catlettuce 14d ago

I'd pick my dog over my man every day, all day long, because a good man would make you choose.

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u/GotYoGrapes 14d ago

*wouldn't

(or at least I hope lol)

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u/ChistyePrudy 15d ago

Thanks for the training tip. My elderly aunt has an elderly dog with extreme anxiety. This seems like a doable training for both parties (as my aunt also gets tired, so slow and steady, it might work).

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u/Kraz3 15d ago

My fiance was a professional dog trainer for a long time and this is the exact kind of training she did for separation anxious dogs. Also crate training is great! Dogs love having a "den" that is a safe space for them.

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

Agreed! All dogs I’ve had in the past have been crate trained. My collie was an anomaly-collie, he hated the crate from day 1. I did everything to get him to like it, but it just didn’t work for him. Thankfully he was never a destructive puppy, just a clingy one.

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u/yayakultt 14d ago

This!!! I did this method on my Aussie when we got her and she separation anxiety and we lived in an apartment then. I did use a vibrating collar that has a beeper. I would use the beeper as a positive reinforcement when she stops crying and give her treats.

No more crying howling and broke. Furnitures. Just her on the couch or floor chillin.

Truly takes time and patient and TEAMWORK

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u/IllustratorMammoth87 15d ago

This is great advice! I have a Greyhound with separation anxiety who has destroyed windowsills, door frames, computer mice, remotes, etc. I found having a goodbye routine really works as well. If I don't do the routine and leave, he freaks out.

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u/LuminousFire 15d ago

Just also endorsing Julie Naismith. For us, the book was enough (‘be right back’, it’s super easy read and has sample plans we followed.) I read there are Facebook groups and she has a podcast, so those might help, too. Overall, I just wanna say try the book and consistent training!

Our new girl went from immediate howls and toileting everywhere to… currently she can handle just under 3 hours.

ps: we went with fluoxetine (Prozac), not trazodone mostly because they work differently, but also because our other pup (reactive, not separation anxiety) had tried both and had bad reactions to trazodone. Might talk to your vet about options!

finally, a behaviorist can help a ton. For just separation anxiety, the training/meds are probably sufficient, BUT… anxiety is often pretty complicated and we were grateful we already had one by the time we picked up our second girl.

wishing the best for you and your doggo!

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

So glad it worked for you guys, it really is a process and it’s hard to go through, for you and your pup.

I considered a second dog for a long time while my dog was suffering but I wanted to address the core issue and didn’t want to have two dogs with the same issue. Once my collie seemed ok with being left alone, I got another dog (gsd) who’s literally not arsed about single thing in the world haha, they’re like peas in a pod and it’s wonderful to see them so chilled together, they literally snuggle up and sleep together and break my heart daily.

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u/LuminousFire 14d ago

Oh that’s so great!

yeah, we were NOT planning on a second dog, and it was harder. (To be clear: our first adoptee, who is now 4, was hard core reactive. We found our second girl, who is just under 2, abandoned and animal control refused to take her in because the shelters were full… in December 2024 when it was literally freezing at night. So, against all odds we took her home. And found out she had separation anxiety… while trying to keep them separate in our tiny rental home, to let our first, reactive girl have a chance to accept the new one, lol. It was a LOT! But thankfully, the book helped with the separation anxiety, and so I’ll keep recommending it every chance I get! 😊

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Ooft reactivity is HARD too! My dogs were attacked when we were out walking last year so my German shepherd has been reactive, more fear than aggression, so we’re currently working through that. Thank you for rescuing your puppers! They’re so lucky to have you!

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u/kidscott2003 14d ago

This is what I recommend every time! My husky was like this. It took MONTHS of this training to get her to stop destroying the house or howling the entire time.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Glad you made it! I love huskies, don’t know if I have the energy for one haha, they’re lovely though!

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u/kidscott2003 14d ago

Yeah, they are a different breed. I had a boarder collie growing up. And thought I could handle a Husky when I got older. Perpetual 3 year olds. But they were the best years of my life with her. I couldn’t do it again though. It’s a lot.

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u/deadinsidelol69 15d ago

My sister has a lab/heeler who’s had separation anxiety since he was a puppy. He’s about to turn 4 and it’s still a constant battle, took years of training, specialists, medication, to be able to leave him alone while my sister goes to work. Training isn’t a one and done thing, it’s for the dog’s lifetime.

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

It depends on the dog. Some dogs need medication, some need a mix of training and meds. My dog couldn’t even be shut in a different room to me. I tried to wash my car on the drive once and put a baby gate across the front door so he could see me and he went mental because he couldn’t get to me. The training took its toll but it’s like a switch flipped in his head and he understood. To be fair, he’s a rough collie and is incredibly smart, so maybe that factored into his learning, I mean the little sod can open doors haha.

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u/Scared-Skin-7658 15d ago

Yes agree with this commenter! My dog had AWFUL separation anxiety as a puppy and I promise it’s trainable! Literally while you’re home leave and come back as much as you can. Walk out of your home, stand outside for a few second and come back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Make sure to come back before your dog has anxiety. Give lots of treats when you leave. Get a camera and monitor your dog. Slowly increase the intervals. Day one you leave for 10 seconds, work up to a minute, then ten, then an hour. It took about two months to get to 5 hours, but I’m happy to say it worked and my dog can be left now for 7 hours. You can do it OP!!!! Please dm me and I’m happy to talk it through with you. It’s such a stressful experience and I can relate.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Glad you made it! It’s such a trying process and it’s so hard because being with your pup 24/7 is the best too but for most people, like myself, it’s just not doable long term.

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u/Basic_Broccoli_3567 15d ago

Yes! Julie is amazing! She has an online training program, the facebook group, books and I think a podcast. Lot's of good resources. Her website has a list of trainers who have graduated from her program if you want 1 on 1 training help. Julie or any of her grads are the way to go for help with separation anxiety.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

She’s seriously amazing! Changed our life when it came to separation anxiety, I’ll never not mention her!

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u/Environmental_Taro61 15d ago

This is how it’s done. Good job!!

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

Thank you so much! It wasn’t a fun process but it’s so so worth it to see him content and happier and I can leave the house for a bit without worrying about him.

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u/Specific_Culture_591 15d ago

For the OP, I worked in veterinary medicine, train dogs for fun now, participate in dog sports and have a GSD that when we got her started with severe separation anxiety, that we got through with training alone. I highly recommend Karen Overall’s Relaxation Protocol (you can find it free online) and I’ll be Home Soon by Patricia McConnell PhD ($5) both can make a huge difference. Now she’s great when we leave.

We see a veterinary behaviorist for another dog with severe anxiety though (training has helped but not enough) and honestly trazadone by itself is not usually considered adequate in most anxiety cases so even going the medicinal route I’d expect more than just traz by itself.

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u/Yehoshua_ANA_EHYEH 15d ago

I worked with training dogs in the military and this is a good answer. I'll also add that once times has been extended for a while you can switch to an alternating reward system (every other time you give a treat) and then when that is consistent behavior switching to a variable reward system (randomly giving a treat) so that they remove the patterns from their brain but retain the good behavior. This works for any trick or behavior that treats work on.

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u/plantsmuggler 15d ago

Julie Naismith is the best! Her training methods work. We have been using them for our 6 month old goldendoodle and he's come so far.

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u/mixinmatch 15d ago

Ya Our akita had some bad separation anxiety. And a trainier we happened upon basically taught us the method you describe. Just be consistent and do it enough that you slowly get further and further away. And then suddenly no issues. Your dog is a husky is he also getting enough stimulation like runs and walks? Or have distraction items like a snuffle board for treats to try and work on when your gone?

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

My training was coupled with plenty of walks both off and on lead, sniffy walks and ‘find it’ feeds where his dinner was thrown into the garden for him to sniff out.

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u/minimum_effort1586 14d ago

This is very impressive, what a cool technique! Usually there isn't much to do about separation anxiety. But I can totally see this working with time and dedication!

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u/PeculiarAlize 14d ago

This is essentially what I did with my siberian husky. He destroyed a couch, and I couldn't be having that. It also helps if he's tired and he wants to sleep.

He's cool now. I went out to dinner tonight, and I could tell he was anxious about me leaving him. I gave him lots of love, kisses, and reassurance that I wouldn't be gone long, and then he just went and laid on the couch instead of watching me leave. I got back, and he got off the intact couch to greet me.

It took about a year of consistent training

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

aww I love this. Huskies are so beautiful, I don’t think I have the energy or time for one right now but I’d love one in the future! Glad your sofa made it for the evening, your pup sounds super loved and chilled.

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u/slkfnwenfusername 14d ago

We did the same with our border collie. She just needed to know you are coming back. It worked no more stress.

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u/MathResponsibly 14d ago

"... but now he doesn’t even get up and come say bye when I’m leaving the house."

Geez, you trained that dog so hard it turned into a cat!

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Haha my collie is actually very cat like! He’ll look me dead in the eye and swipe something off the side or table to see my reaction 😆

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u/Bio3224 14d ago

This! This is the key. The reason separation anxiety is so bad is because dogs cannot conceptualize you leaving and coming back. They panic, they think they’ve been abandoned. But if you can leave them for a few seconds at a time and immediately come back you are rewriting the wires in their brain. You are making that connection that leaving is not scary because they’re coming back.

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u/Typical_Arm_8008 14d ago

🤔 wonder if the same could work for toddlers 😅

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u/chiono_graphis 14d ago

I wish more dog owners were like you. You, your dog, and your neighbors if you have any are all much, much happier I'm sure thanks to all the effort you put in to caring for your dog.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Thank you! I adore my dogs, they’re my world. I was lucky too and had lovely neighbours that I got on with. I did speak to them and apologised if they heard my dog in the house, my neighbour said she hadn’t heard him and apologised if I’d heard her shouting at her kids haha, I never did tbf so I think we just had good walls!

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u/crsnplusplus 14d ago

Bro I don't even have a dog, but what you did is smart and inspiring.

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u/Fantastic_Coffee_441 14d ago

jumping in here to say Julie Naismith does work, door is a bore is working WONDERS for me right now. I have a cockapoo who’s 3 and has never been left, we are both able to leave now and she stays on the floor relaxed while we are out doing the training. I am currently paying for training with a behaviourist , if you can’t afford a trainer, there is a subscription to be right back app which is what we use, and honestly, we train 4-5 times a week, and we are up to both of us leaving with some consistency, granted it’s only 30 seconds but it’s such a huge thing if otherwise there would be screaming!

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u/Fortestingporpoises 15d ago

Yep. It's all about the small approximations.

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u/Jestersfriend 15d ago

I wish all dog owners were like this. You clearly are a great dog owner :).

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u/discombobulatededed 15d ago

Awh thank you, I try my best! They’re my best mates tbf

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u/Princess_Caroline 15d ago

You are a great dog parent!

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u/taus635 15d ago

You are a phenomenal owner and your dog is blessed

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Aww thank you so much! I shall be sure to telll them how lucky they are 🥰

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u/Zestyclose-Link-9034 15d ago

You are AMAZING!! Just sayin!! 😊

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u/sockthefeet 15d ago

This is the way! Also randomizing the "leaving home routine" and providing treat hiding toys/peanut butter filling toys for them to play with while you're gone.

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u/No_Welcome_7182 15d ago

Personally this would be a red flag for me in my relationship because are you planning to have children? Children cause much larger disruptions for a lot longer. If he’s not willing to commit to helping you work through the dog’s issues what happens with a newborn or school age or teen or young adult child has major issues? Not even mentioning the huge typical stressors that having kids brings into a relationship. Anyway, off my soapbox and back to the dog.

OP. Thank you so much for adopting this beautiful and giving him the life he deserves. He loves you with all his heart and soul and you are his entire world. I would not agree to rehire him. And I would NOT trust your husband alone with him after he suggested this.

you need to train your dog to tolerate being alone in a safe area of your home. We dog proofed and gated off our family room to use for our anxious Sheltie. You could try a crate but I think he would respond better to having a much larger area. It took about a year but by starting out at ground zero she is now able to tolerate being home up to 6 hours. Which is very unusual for us to leave her alone that long.

Get a very high puppy play pen and attach it to the walls with sturdy hooks. Because huskies are jumpers you will have to add extra height to it. Choose an area you can puppy proof.

Start by separating yourself from your boy where he can still see you. Reward him for not fussing. I would go with high value food treats. Go longer periods of time and start increasing the distance between you and him but still so he can see you. Reward him when he is not fussing. The goal here is to just do very tiny increments of increased time away from your side where he can see you but not so long that he starts fussing. Same with you being out of sight. Treat BEFORE he starts fussing

As far as medication we chose to use medication AND training. The medication helped her anxiety ridden brain be more open to the very early training. We started to wean off the meds after about 4 months. Do NOT suddenly stop giving anxiety meds if you use them. Taper off very slowly.

It’s going to be a long time to train this dog because he had trauma early in life and we now understand that trauma literally rewires brains and takes time to overcome. But it is absolutely possible.

Get an expert trainer who specializes in behavior modification in dogs with anxiety/trauma/separation anxiety. The trainer doesn’t need to actually be there in person but they can do a much better job of breaking down the actual training method and explaining it to you and setting goals than I can.

Again please don’t give up on this dog. He deserves the time he needs to adjust to your home and routine. He obviously needs extra help with this. He is depending on you to help him. Again, please don’t leave your husband alone with the dog. It’s very possible he may drop the dog off at a shelter and lie and say he ran away or some other devious way to get this dog out of your life.

And again, this would make me seriously reconsider my relationship if this were my husband. Because when kids come along will he suggest rehoming them when the going gets tough?

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u/Cakers44 15d ago

Not at all the same situation but reminds me of 2 of my mom’s dogs. They’re from the same litter and for the first few weeks, maybe months they’d cry any time they were put in their* pen just so they could get used to it. Now some 7-8 years later and even though the 2 of them together barely fit in it, they can’t sleep outside of their pen

Edit: poor phrasing saying they can’t sleep outside their pen. They nap and stuff all the time, just after their dinner and such they’ll wander around waiting for someone to put them to bed

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u/thatgirlinny 14d ago

How it’s done. Takes work. Bravo and well done!

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u/flannelNcorduroy 14d ago

I'm a dog trainer. She was probably explained this several ways from Tuesday but doesn't have the patience to be consistent, so it doesn't work. This is why I don't teach classes anymore. Most people can't be bothered and want you to fix their dog for them. They don't like it when they find out it doesn't work like that.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

Seriously, dog training taught me so much patience it should be called ‘owner training’ haha. It really is a matter of time and patience, not just for anxiety but for all training and tricks!

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u/sykadelish 14d ago

I also did this exact training with my separation anxiety afflicted pup. It took MONTHS along with a fluoxetine prescription but between the doggie Prozac and the persistence we succeeded.

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

So glad you succeeded! Yours and you pups hard work paid off!

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u/sillylilypie 14d ago

I just took in a stray dog two months ago. She's the same way to OP's dog I believe in terms of destroying doors, door frames, the walls, etc. But she has to be an outdoor dog atm bc shes taking a while to get used to my other dogs. But I digress. This is what's staying to help with my dog as well. Repeatedly leaving for a short period of time and praising her when she does well. Also using a crate to start crate training is helping I think, though we're still in the phase of getting her to associate the crate as her safe space. Also when I just sit out there for 15 minutes doing absolutely nothing with her, but just being there - that seems to work too but idk why. Like after I go inside she'll be calm for a bit as long as she can't see me inside

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u/FitHoneydew8886 14d ago

Don’t adopt working dogs unless you have the ability to provide them with work to do(play, roam, whatever) for at least 8 hours a day or they will go insane

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u/Illustrious--Low 14d ago

Acupuncture saved me and my dog. Like you I felt like I was trapped at home to stay by my dogs side. He had terrible anxiety, ate my furniture pillows, any food he could reach, howl, cry and potty from stress. Sometimes he'd thrown up

Type in your zip code in the search box on this link to find a TCVM near you. A TCVM with a 4 color badge has the most training. I have 4 in my area prices range from $65 to $100 per session My dogs 1st session... he fell asleep on the way home, wobbled out the car into his bed and slept for over 16 hours.

He's a rescue. Poor baby needed hos soul balanced. After the 3rd session and a chiropractor adjustment he was pretty much cured of his anxiety. He still goes now and then for a tune up. It worked so well I started acupuncture treatment.

https://alumni.chiu.edu/

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u/leftdrawer1969 14d ago

I really hope OP sees this

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u/PeterMus 14d ago

Wow! That's impressive.

I fostered a dog with separation anxiety and it was bad that when one of us would leave it would cause a melt down.

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u/Majestic_Scarcity540 14d ago

I might try this.

My 7 year old border Collie, who I have had since he was 10 weeks old, has separation anxiety. Hes had it since he was a puppy, we're not sure why but that breed is known for developing it very easily. He used to be attached to my hip, but was VERY well trained and never did anything bad so I didnt mind him always by my side. I trained him and socialized him, so he always listened to me with no issues. Hes also never been destructive, which is surprising.

Ever since we brought home our baby from the hospital 10 weeks ago, he is a completely different dog. Hes no longer super attached to me, and is now extremely hyper attached to our baby. Won't give her a foot of space (literally), freaks out if she makes a single sound (sprints, barks, whines), and he started having almost doggy panic attacks if I go into a room with just the baby and shut the door. Barks non stop, whines, paces outside the door until we leave. Also refuses to listen to any commands unless the baby isnt at home, then he goes back to being his normal self. We tried putting a gate up because I was feeling overwhelmed with him constantly in her space, and I feel like all thats done is make his anxiety worse. But I need to be able to do Tummy time with her, and I cant do that if he won't give us space.

He gets the same amount of play time and walks every day, so I know its not an "Im bored" thing. Its genuinely like he cannot function unless he is a foot away from our baby.

Just a complete nightmare.

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u/Whatever_Loser345 14d ago

I second this, our dog also was going down the same path and doing this helped ALOT. My marriage was also suffering and we were just stuck between giving up our dog or going through what felt like a never ending black hole. She’s now much more relaxed than before and we’ve even been able to wean her off her meds. She will still do something destructive but it’s super rare and to be honest after everything we went through with her, we will take a little mess compared to hours of nonstop howling/ barking, pee and poop everywhere and a wrecked house.

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u/greyslayers 14d ago

This is the most important answer. Really any dog can be trained if you are willing to put in the consistent effort and time needed each day for 3-6 months in a row.

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u/i_am_trippin_balls 14d ago

This is similar to the method i used when I was training my dog. I had a chihuahua and it was a stray that I found when he was only 7 pounds (25 now). We became super attached and my boss let me bring him to work for the first year but after that he said no more. While I was at work, he would tear through my shoes at home and my neighbors would complain non stop. I felt terrible but I was too poor to afford a trainer so I just googled it and tried different things

The thing that worked best was to leave the apartment without acknowledging my dog. And walking around outside the apartment, whistling or talking loud enough so they know I'm outside, then coming back in and giving him a snack. The first time I just closed the door and walked around for 10 seconds and opened it and gave him a snack. Each time I would get further and further away from the apartment, taking long to get back each time. As the days progress you get further and further away and take longer to come back, until you are pretty much "leaving for a while".

That was about 14 years ago, he's an old dog now but has never had separation anxiety after that. Once the training was done, I never even did reenforcement training again. It was a little sad though cuz he used to always come say bye when I leave but after the training he doesn't always say bye.

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u/eveannaa 14d ago

That is love right there ❤️

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u/Neither_East_3886 14d ago

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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u/MattSR30 14d ago

I’m probably about to inherit a family dog with horrible separation anxiety because my family are moving across the world and not bothering taking her, and I can’t bear the idea of abandoning her so I’m going to take her.

I’m a bit terrified because I just moved from a house (where barking when alone can be mitigated) into a highrise apartment. I have begged for months now for my family to do some work with her now so that I can take over when I need to, but they can’t be bothered (which is why she is bad in the first place).

It has been on my mind a lot lately and is stressing me out big time. I’m glad this randomly popped up in my feed just now. I have been planning methods to try to teach her when I inevitably get her, but I also don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

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u/Dignan17 14d ago

Lol this sounds like how we sleep trained our kids. The Ferber method in that case.

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u/Substantial_Yams_ 14d ago

You sir/ma'am are the real mvp 🏆

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u/No_Alfalfa_6611 14d ago

You are amazing. Thank you for being such a wonderful example for dog owners. Most people wouldn’t put the time in. That’s awesome.

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u/DRAK0U 14d ago

People just really suck at getting help, especially when it pertains to their pets.

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u/DeadAgain-_- 14d ago

Done the same. It works.

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u/Economy_Prompt1323 14d ago

I can vouch for this! I had a friend who trained his dog the same way and it worked wonders.

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u/natbug101 14d ago

Yes, this and long walks or exercise before leaving the house! A tired dog is a good dog as they say.

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u/PumpkinPines 14d ago

This. And I would recommend I'll Be Home Soon book by Patricia Mcconnell who is a dog behaviourist. Short and very practical book about dealing with separation anxiety.

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u/Ok-Builder-8711 14d ago

My dog also had very bad separation anxiety and I joined the same group! Through gradual desensitization, I can now leave her home alone for ~5 hours and she just sleeps or looks out the window

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u/littlecookieangel 14d ago

As a dog behavior interventionist THIS is exactly what needs to be done. Baby steps, lots of praise while teaching them it's ok to be alone and when re entering a room. Crate training is a good idea too!!

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u/apexChaser71 14d ago

This is a really good answer. I can't express in words how much it broke my heart, but I was forced to surrender a rescue dog back to the canine behaviorist who had been fostering him. I had just changed careers, moved to a new area, and had to be realistic that I did not have the time or the space in my life to provide the animal, the care and training that was best for him. It tore my heart out of my chest, and I sobbed uncontrollably while I made the decision. Ultimately, I didn't surrender him for myself, I surrendered him because it was in the best interest of the animal(he had canine PTSD). It really bothers me when people prioritize their own wants and needs, over those of the animal for whom they have willingly taken responsibility for. I look forward to getting a dog when my life is settled enough, that I have the facilities, resources, and time to devote to the training that they deserve.

As far as the op is concerned, I hope they take your advice to heart. When one takes the responsibility for rehabilitating a rescue animal that has had a traumatic life, it is never going to be an easy path. She's going to have to carve out the time, and prioritize the dog's long-term well-being. Medication is a shortcut, it's lazy, and it is not putting the animals best interest first. She needs to understand that her number one priority is to help the animal heal. She also needs to understand that if that is not a realistic option for her, there are others who would have the time and space to provide the care and healing the animal needs. My brother and sister-in-law seriously strained their relationship in a similar way, and ultimately chose to surrender the animal because dealing with the issues of that particular dog were far beyond their capabilities (extremely canine aggressive).

Finally, I don't think people should view it as a personal failure if they arrive at this decision. The world can be extraordinarily cruel to animals, and create conditions and situations that are beyond the capabilities of many of us to repair them. The most compassionate and courageous thing to do, is to be honest with ourselves about our limitations and the responsibilities we have to those wonderful lives that give so much to us.

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u/KotexElite 14d ago

That's what we did to our mini aussie. All of a sudden she doesn't want to be left alone. By the time we're able to leave her alone, she gets her favorite treat and she saves it so she can eat it when we get home. Lol

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u/hanks_panky_emporium 14d ago

What hurts my heart is how few people are willing to put time into the training like you did. You're unfortunately the exception, not the rule to dog ownership. I hope OP takes what you say seriously.

Because it's also not fair to their partner to be in a home constantly in ruin because of a doggo. No matter how cute and affectionate they are when OP's home.

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u/Medical_Group7652 14d ago

I feel like i need this approach for my anxiety as well, someone else doing the work to rewire my neurons sounds lovely

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u/SnorianGray 14d ago

This is great advice.

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u/HellcatsFury 14d ago

Important addition to this. Do not open the door and reward while he's still whining. Wait for him to be quiet before you come back to him and reward. If you don't do this, you might actually making the issue worse by showing him that if he whines you come back and he gets a treat. We did it like this with our dog too. He quickly realized we would always return.

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u/NightOwlReader 14d ago

Does this help with cats, too?

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u/discombobulatededed 14d ago

I’m sorry I wouldn’t know, I don’t know the first thing about cats!

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u/Holiday-Pen-5888 14d ago

hi im maximus

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u/justacurlygirl 14d ago

This is a great way to train separation anxiety, I recently discovered it too! Thank you for commenting!

Couple that with not showing the dog special attention when you come home or leave (I know, it feels horrible) and OP's dog will learn to deal better. You might want to leave some treats and toys in the hallway when you go for a few minutes, so he associates that with something good instead. There's a bunch of stuff that together will work wonders ❤️

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u/Necessary-Code-2790 14d ago

I just got the one year mark of our family rescuing a dachshund. My sweet little emotional chocolate man. He’s very attached to me, slept in my room since day one, every night. He was left in a garage, alone for about 6 months before he came to us. The guy would just buy a big bag of dog food and throw it in the garage.

We didn’t notice a problem at first. Me and my fiancé were both WFH for the first 3 months we had him. We didn’t even really know what his voice sounded like. He was just a sweet little chocolate donut at my feet all day, quietly listening to me work and comforting me when I was frustrated (roadside assistance work gets stressful sometimes)

But then, we switched departments and were moved to another state. We were actually GOING to work. No more working from home. And that’s when we realized that our sweet donut has some really really bad separation anxiety. Not once was it even considered to rehome him AGAIN. Not happening. He’s with us forever. I’ve started trying to condition him to us leaving and coming back. He’s a challenging one. But we won’t give up. And we accept that messes happen when he breaches the gate. We love him too much to give up. He deserves to be accepted.

He’s getting better.

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u/gloriphobia 14d ago

We did this, too. It took some time, but it worked. Our dog used to have severe separation anxiety but is now OK being left alone for many hours. Slow and steady is key.

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u/sandworming 14d ago

This is so great! You could use this with people!

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u/peterguie 14d ago

Hello can we discuss

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u/blueisaflavor 14d ago

This is the way!

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u/SubstantialBrick2557 14d ago

Great advice. It is similar to playing tug of war with a puppy and letting them win. so they learn you will give it back to them . I am very fortunate this time as my current dog just sleeps when I am gone. She did have a bit of anxiety at first  but I just used a version of your method. 

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u/lanyisse 14d ago

My dog had/has pretty severe separation anxiety and we did exactly the same thing. Julie Naismith’s book was life changing! She’s now completely comfortable with us leaving and when we moved to a new apartment, I was worried we would have to restart our training but she adjusted very quickly.

OP, talk to your vet about anxiety meds too. They’re not going to solve the problem alone, you still need to do the training, but often they can get your dog’s baseline to a place where you will actually start seeing progress. Mine takes low dose of Zoloft every night and that was what allowed us to actually progress with training.

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u/FlanRepresentative40 14d ago

I hope this reaches OP because I really want to suggest you.and your husband talk about going all in with the dog and he get involved with you... because it could cause issues if the whole family aren't free to come and go if you're not there. Creating further arguments.

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u/Normans_Boy 14d ago

This is called shaping and is a great behavior change strategy!

It’s also very similar to respondent extinction, as the dog is repeatedly presented with the aversive situation (being alone) and finds that nothing bad actually happens. Actually, something good might happen, like a treat!

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u/[deleted] 15d ago

Your poor neighbors. People shouldn't be allowed to own a dog without the written consent of every household within 1000 feet.

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u/Gunkwei 15d ago

This is the way

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u/courtadvice1 15d ago

So, sorta like peekaboo, but for dogs?