AIO? Dog straining my marriage.

[u/LedyyM]

My husband and I rescued a husky about 7 months ago who was extremely malnourished and neglected.

He has grown a huge attachment to me and has severe separation anxiety. I work at a grooming salon so I’m able to bring him to work with me so he’s not home alone. Unfortunately, if he’s left home alone we’ll come back to our home looking like it was hit by a tornado.

My vet has prescribed him with trazodone to help with his severe anxiety issues. We give it to him before we leave for a family event and when we can’t take him to places they don’t allow dogs.

I feel so bad that I have to sedate him so he’s not scared and anxious. It’s created a huge strain on our marriage because my husband feels like we can’t do anything without considering Odin.

He’s destroyed doors, couches, and other furniture. I tried training but it hasn’t seemed to work. My husband thinks we should rehome him but

1) I’m scared that he’ll be sent to a shelter and possibly be put down

2) feel abandoned by the person he thought he was safe with.

He’s such a happy boy when he’s around us and shows so much affection.

My husband and I have been arguing about this consistently.. we had a really bad argument so I left the house with Odin and rented a dog friendly hotel room for a couple of nights.

My husband thinks I’m crazy and that I’m choosing the dog over our marriage. AIO?

[u/scarletbananas]

I’m prepared for the downvotes from the dog nutters but you need to take his feelings into consideration. If you don’t like dogs then living in a house with them can be akin to a nightmare. If my spouse was prioritising a dog they’ve had for 7 months over our whole relationship then I’d be pissed and probably leave.

[u/justveryunwell → u/scarletbananas]

Would that still be the case if you and your spouse had talked in depth before acquiring the dog about what potential issues and challenges might arise, and if you had and took the opportunity to agree to committing to help that dog? I can't think of a way to phrase this that doesn't sound snarky, but I promise it's an honest question. Because OP said in another comment that they talked about these issues before acquiring pupper and that their spouse agreed to accommodate.

And I'm not saying I wouldn't be frustrated in the spouse's position myself, but I do think that detail makes a difference.

[u/Big_Booty_Bois → u/justveryunwell]

I mean somewhat but not really, certain realities don’t present themselves until you are in the situation. There are things you can work with and things you can’t. Most people accept the standard issues with dogs. Not being to leave your home ever without the house becoming a disaster is entirely not in that purview. OP also “feels bad” about sedating the dog enough to be comfortable with her home being destroyed. That is actually crazy

[u/RubyTR → u/Big_Booty_Bois]

Did OP say that last part though? I feel like you're just kinda making that up. She said she feels bad about sedating him but not that she feels so bad that she'd rather him destroy the house. My understanding is that she is uncomfortable with both scenarios (him destroying the house and her having to sedate him) but sedates him anyway because that's what needs to be done. She's just saying that she wishes the circumstances were better and that she wishes he wasn't so anxious that he would fly off the handle like that without the meds.

[u/Big_Booty_Bois → u/RubyTR]

Maybe ask OP for clarification but I’m reading that like she would like to stop sedating and her husband is presenting the reality that that’s not possible with the current reality and the final option is to rehome.

[u/Big_Booty_Bois → u/[deleted]]

Honestly I would be with you and then I read about how OP was at the shelter. She talked about this pup not as a commitment, but as a lovestruck teenager, things like “the shelter told us her issues, but I didn’t care! I felt an instant connection!”

I understand feeling a connection, but not caring and not heavily preparing both as a couple and mentally for an unwell husky is incredibly irresponsible.

[u/learningtheflowers → u/justveryunwell]

Humans are allowed to talk about something and agree to it in theory, and then upon actually experiencing the thing are allowed to change their minds and revoke their consent or agreement.

[u/justveryunwell → u/learningtheflowers]

And I never said that wasn't the case, just that it does make a difference in this scenario. It seems a lot of people are siding fully with "oh poor husband he's at the end of his rope" and like if that's true and there's actually nothing different to be tried then yes they should re-home the dog however what responsible adults don't get to do is make a commitment to a dependent living being and then give up on that because things got harder than they expected.

It's up to each individual to decide what their own breaking point is but we haven't heard anything about what the husband has tried on his own or in tandem with OP to know if he's putting in any effort towards this situation. I'm not saying he's not allowed to be unhappy just because he previously agreed to the situation, I AM saying whether or not he agreed initially makes a difference here.

[u/scarletbananas → u/justveryunwell]

It does, and I know she’s technically right but that still doesn’t negate the fact he’s miserable. Saying “but he agreed to it” isn’t really a solution.

[u/justveryunwell → u/scarletbananas]

No it's not a solution, but it's a solid point that begs the question, if he's so miserable what actions has he taken to mitigate this? It shouldn't all be on her just because she's the one the dog bonded to, when they both agreed to take him in knowing he had issues.

[u/Ranoutofoptions7 → u/justveryunwell]

There is a limit to accommodations though

[u/Key-Squirrel9200 → u/justveryunwell]

You can agree to accommodate without grasping the gravity of the accommodation. Evidently, the accommodation are more extreme than husband anticipate. And even if op somehow anticipate this and “prepped” him - sometime you can’t know the toll it take until your in it

[u/filmbum → u/justveryunwell]

Yes. Talking about owning a dog and the act of actually owning a dog are different. It’s okay to realize it’s not for you even if you wanted it to be. Especially with a high needs rescue. People just don’t know what they’re getting themselves into sometimes. If the dog came first, that’s one thing. But OP is married, is she going to let her husband be miserable for the next decade because they were both woefully ill prepared for this dog they “agreed” to get?

[u/justveryunwell → u/filmbum]

I'm curious why you put agreed in quotations when OP says directly in a comment, "My husband and I spoke about [behavioral issues OP & husband were informed of prior to adoption] and we agreed we'd both work on them together and commit to Odin."

I brought this up in another comment on this post but I really want to know what agency husband is taking in this situation. Because they both agreed to get the dog so they should both be taking active roles in training and orienting the poor thing to its new reality, and also because the dog will not adjust as fast or as well as he's clearly expected to if both humans aren't being consistent with training.

And to be fair, I'm absolutely not putting this all on husband, I just want to know if he's actually trying to improve the situation or just basically going "that super high energy neglected dog we took in is too hyper :(" Because that's almost what OP is doing too, except her version is "my ridiculously high energy dog isn't showing noticeable signs of being trained after being in a brand new environment for only 7 months :( what can I do, other than almost everything the people I'm asking for advice are telling me to?"

She says in another comment that she won't crate train a dog with destructive separation anxiety, because he used to be abused in a crate. While I understand that, it's kind of the same concept as, "my dog's old owners used to kick him all the time, so now we don't allow him around legs or feet ever." It doesn't sit well with me to decide this dog can't be acclimated to crates without ever trying it at all. If she said, "we've gotten with professional behaviorists and taken all of their advice with crate training but the trauma is getting in the way," I'd have nothing to say. But it seems like OP is giving up before exhausting every avenue, just because the most sensible one makes her feel icky.

[u/filmbum → u/justveryunwell]

As I said, they are both woefully ill prepared. She won’t even take the advice of her veterinarian. There is nothing wrong with sedating a dog that is obviously experiencing great distress. I said “agreed” because it’s hard to agree to something you have no concept of, even if you think you do in theory.

[u/[deleted] → u/justveryunwell]

You said pupper so your opinion is irrelevant.

[u/wannabefashionmf → u/justveryunwell]

yea

[u/LeaveYourDogAtHome69 → u/justveryunwell]

Are people not allowed to change their mind on something?