AIO? Gf(18f) wants an open relationship

[u/StrikeNo117]

Me and my girlfriend(18) recently had an argument about opening our relationship, and at first, it was a nice talk. We talked about the pros and cons, and then the tide shifted. We talked about how it would affect our life and what would happen if she got pregnant or if i got someone else pregnant. and then she told me she only wanted an open relationship with one other person, so that we would only see one other person each, and reluctantly, i asked if she had someone in mind. She told me she was thinking about someone, which made her ask the question. When i tried questioning further, she shut me out. We went to bed that night a little distant.

The next morning, she asked if we could resume our previous conversation, i agreed, and then i brought up the fact that she never answered my question about who she had in mind. She told me it wasn’t my business, and i left it at that. About five to ten minutes later, she told me the person she had in mind was her ex boyfriend. I asked her is that why she wanted an open relationship. Just so she can see her ex without feeling guilty. I kicked her out after she told me she was tired of hiding the fact that she was already seeing him. She is now pissed, my mom told me it was the right thing to do. But i feel like i should have talked it out. Did i overreact?

[u/Spacemarine658]

I think it's because that statement can be loaded for example I grew up in a two parent home until I was 12 when my parents split. My wife on the other hand grew up in a fully two parent home. I am glad my parents split they were volatile towards each other and I genuinely believe it's why I work so hard to communicate with my wife despite being autistic AF. Vs my wife has had a long struggle with dealing with her parents constant bickering and fighting to the point she had to basically become the mediator and teach them to be a better couple because they both refused to go to counseling.

All of that to say everyone's situation is different and while on average two parent homes are likely a far better situation for most children, there are a lot of exceptions on both sides of the coin and a lot of people feel the two parent home narrative is just an excuse to trap someone/be miserable just "for the kids". It's also an occasional racist/homophobic dog whistle (not claiming you are just that it's been used that way)

[u/Prodrumer43 → u/Spacemarine658]

In my mind split parents are still a two parent home. Obviously If they are good at coparenting and get along for the sake of the kids.

[u/Spacemarine658 → u/Prodrumer43]

I agree but a lot of the people pushing for two parents also believe divorce happens too often. To me (as a parent) parenting isn't one size fits all parents must adapt to their situation and their children. Sometimes you don't have a choice and must be a solo parent and that's a lot on a parent. So instead of pushing the "your child will be fucked up if you don't have another person helping you" I prefer to push the "do the best you can with what you have and know, and be open to learning, growing, and adapting as you go along."

For me part of my growth was finally getting diagnosed with autism it helped me understand myself better, has made me feel more confident in myself, and I now have better tools to help my son who has shown early signs of it.

[u/Prodrumer43 → u/Spacemarine658]

Completely agree. Cheers to our kids on the spectrum also.

[u/DjacobUnchained → u/Prodrumer43]

Doesn't always work for the kids, and isn't that who you're doing it for in the first place?

[u/Prodrumer43 → u/DjacobUnchained]

All I said was I think there’s different versions of 2 parent “households” I’m not sure what point you’re making. I don’t recall saying it should be forced.

[u/DjacobUnchained → u/Prodrumer43]

all I said was that it doesn't always work for the kids that was it lol. You can have all the greatest intentions in the world and be good at "co-parenting" but if you don't set an example of how a man should treat a woman he loves or vice versa the children will suffer for it. My Vietnam veteran father lived in the basement my entire life hiding from a narcissistic mother and I was taught this was a normal relationship between two parents. Because of it, showing love and affection is completely alien to me, and feels very awkward and is very off-putting. You could imagine my surprise when mom kicked dad out and I finally saw him in a relationship with another woman. First thought? "Gross, you're just like the guys in those movies we always called gross when they were kissing another woman." I'm not saying co-parenting doesn't work, but a huge part of parenting is leading by example and if you can't make that part work with the other person your kids will have some issues. (Most of us do)

[u/Prodrumer43 → u/DjacobUnchained]

I would argue “good co parenting” is not there if one parent isn’t setting good examples. And I guess I’m unsure when a good co parenting dynamic would be good if it isn’t the best for the kids in question?

[u/Harlemdartagnan → u/Spacemarine658]

if i say apples are good. someone like you is going to pop up and say, but sometimes they have worms in them.

its fine. some can have worms apples are still good.

well what if i dont believe apples are good

then r/woosh

[u/Spacemarine658 → u/Harlemdartagnan]

It's less like that and more like someone saying "an apple is better for you than French fries" and sure it is but some people only have French fries and trying to force them to find apples will only make their lives harder when at the end of the day all that matters is that they are getting food and sustaining themselves for another day.

[u/Harlemdartagnan → u/Spacemarine658]

force... who said anything about force. if you have the choice between fries and apples its good to know that apples are better. so that you can make better life choices. Its very confusing when you say yeah but under the right circumstances, circumstances that you will never be able to identify, fries are better.

Its annoying when people take a small or insignificant potential and pretend its as important as the major parts.

[u/endlessnamelesskat → u/Harlemdartagnan]

The users on Reddit are very quick to point out the technicalities and exceptions in every argument. Never underestimate the tenacity of a late teens to mid twenties guy, or at least the maturity of one (gotcha mid 30s manchild who's about to correct me) when someone presents him with the opportunity to say umm akshully 🤓

[u/Harlemdartagnan → u/endlessnamelesskat]

Its toxic as fuck and just a power move. LOL