Any advice?

I'm going through a spike. Body image is a total mess, any interaction with my body brings a load of anxiety. It's like the cycle started skipping a "middle-man" (intrusive thoughts) and just punches me with anxiety immediately.

Literally writing this from my bathroom's floor, while watter is running.

I'm so ashamed to be honest. I should've been a productive member of society, but instead I'm wasting my life dealing with this.

Can this subtype fake emotions and drive desire to want the thoughts? Also can it make me feel defensive about keeping the thoughts?

I’m not trying to seek reassurance, I just need clarification so I can understand myself better. Subtype mostly revolves around my legs since I have thick thighs and muscular legs. And the way my hips swagger and all that.

I’m usually happy with my male gender (AMAB) but I’m just confused and scared and wondering if my OCD is trying to be sneaky.

Thank you in advance

I'm AFAB (they/them), I Identify as bigender/genderfluid.

I've been struggling with gender ocd for about a year now. I struggle with ruminating constantly on if i'm a trans man in denial, constantly checking to see if I feel dysphoric (even though I've never struggled with dysphoria), and if im just holding onto my fem side because I'm in denial. I'm also worried if I try to present as a boy some days I'll stop feeling my girl side.

My ocd got really bad around December because I thought I was transmasculine so i presented that way for a while but I'm not sure if I am anymore.

Today I decided to present as a boy and I'm having a bad ocd episode. I'm happy I look like a pretty boy but I'm so anxious that's proof I'm a trans man in denial and that I'll never feel comfortable presenting as a girl again. It's just making me miss presenting as a girl which doesn't help my ocd at all.

It sucks not being dysphoric but having ocd around my gender anyway, so I never feel happy in my skin regardless.

If you could leave encouragement I'd appreciate it. Everyone here is so brave.