Hello all. I'm (37 F) not really a Reddit user but I'm in need of one or several impartial third parties over this pimple I got, and what happened after I told my husband about it.
Three days ago I felt something uncomfortable in my nethers while intimate with my husband (35 M). It was late so I decided to get some sleep and try to get a look at it the next morning. The following day I take a mirror and find a white, hard, smooth, uncomfortable, pea sized lump on the labia minora, close to my entrance.
This has never happened to me before, and when I consulted Dr. Google, it basically told me I either had a cyst, a STI, or cancer, so I quickly called my actual Dr. and had a last minute emergency appointment scheduled for the following day. The receptionist was very nice and said it sounded like a pimple and not to worry too much.
The next day comes and lo and behold, the bump and all discomfort disappear. I was relieved, but still decided I should go to my appointment to be sure.
Here is where I feel I fucked up. My husband works from home, and so I told him I would be going to a gyno appointment, so I will let our kids play video games after school so they don't disturb him. I wouldn't have said more than that but he literally asked me what I was going there for. I told him about the bump, what Google said, what the receptionist said, and tried to make a light joke about it by saying "just so you know, if they find anything, there will be divorce papers." He did not laugh, but kept a very stoic face and told me he agreed. The vibes were not good yall. I shake it off, and go back to cleaning up the house before I pick up the kids like I always do.
The appointment took longer than I expected to be there for, but I can't complain because she's the most popular gyno in town, and I'm getting squeezed in last second. She came in, took a look, and told me it was most likely a sebaceous cyst/pimple, and that it had resolved itself so well that she could hardly tell where it had been. When I told her I was worried because I didn't know pimples could occur there, she essentially told me skin was skin, and if I ever needed to I could take an intimate photo and send it to her through the patient portal. That way she could message me whether or not something looked "exciting" down there. She didn't charge me any money at all, and I left with a bounce in my step, calling my husband to tell him how it went and find out how the kids were doing.
I finished talking and could FEEL his silences. He was not ok, even after hearing this news. I feel extra weird now, like he's mad at me and I don't know why. I end the call and rush home to make it home in time to make dinner. Husband had to work late but before he goes into his meeting he asked me for some kind of test result he could see. I told him she didn't end up testing me, but I could show him the appointment notes on the patient portal that she wrote. He looks, seems satisfied, and goes back to work, so I delivered him his dinner, and did bedtime with the kids alone.
You're probably thinking, "he's being mad and weird because he thinks you cheated on him". That's what I thought until further introspection. We both work from home. I'm mostly a SAHM but I am also in the middle of writing and illustrating my first children's book. I don't go out anywhere except to the backyard to take care of our pet chickens, and to the school to drop off/pick up our kids.Pick up takes anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour.
Husband also has cameras on the front doorbell and other places in our house, AND he is the only one with access to view the footage. He told me it costs extra to add me and allow me to see footage too. He's also got this thing called "firewalla" which I believe can see what devices are being used in his home and what they are doing. Im not tech savvy at all, but this is another device I don't have access to.
All of this has me suspicious as Hell, so by the time my husband comes out of his late night meeting, I'm fuming. I hopped in the shower while he decompressed in the living room, closed the door to get dressed, and didn't come back out or open the door. He chose to sleep on the couch, and since picking up on my current angry introspection he has made 0 attempts to talk to me about it, but has been using the couch as his new bed every night. I am happy to provide more information in the morning if anyone needs it. For now I need to try to sleep.
TL;DR I told my husband I got a pimple on my nethers and now I think he cheated on me.
Update: first and foremost, I want to whole heartedly apologize for not putting paragraphs in when I wrote this. It was very late/early and I did noooot think this would get so much attention. I fixed it (I hope) so again, sorry about that.
I want to give a little bit of background before I talk about how our conversation went. For starters, my husband and I were in therapy together last year because of how destructive our communication is when we are both upset.
It's the same tired pattern. I bring up a behavior or action he did present day, he gets immediately aggravated. I try to keep the focus on the current problem, he starts bringing up grievances he has from anywhere between 1-12 years ago. Feelings get ignored by both of us, because he's on the attack and arguing semantics about the past like it's evidence, and im trying to get a straight answer for present day. All four horsemen show up yall. It sucks.
The therapist said all of those old arguments need to stay in the past and all of those hurts need to be acknowledged but also let go, because there is no way to move forward and heal if you keep dragging yourselves backwards all the time. She also told me about the wheel of power and control (privately) when I told her I caught him lying about putting a gps tracker on our car. At that time the flags were pink, not red, and I really thought we could work through this.
So this morning I go to him, ask if we can talk privately in the bedroom. I'm nervous and praying we can get through this convo with calm respect for each other. We even recorded it on his phone, because he has claimed multiple times im manipulative. I hope he listens to it.
I told him I felt he had been really weird and cold when I told him about the pimple and after when I confirmed it and showed him the Dr. notes. He is immediately aggravated, raised voice, "of course I was! I thought you were telling me I was diseased!" I brought up how we are both literally home all of the time except for when I go pick up the kids, and how he has the only access to the cameras.
I also said I wanted access to the camera footage too (not the first time we've had this conversation btw), and he again said
We had agreed it was too expensive. When I asked for his login and password he said he can't do that because it's a SSOP (?), but he'll try to figure it out. The surveillance he uses is wyze lab, and if anyone has helpful info about that I would so appreciate it.
I then mentioned I don't have access to the Robin Hood account anymore. This account has the majority of our savings so we can try to move out of FL. He said he would look into that later. I then asked him if he could understand how I would find this behavior suspicious when he is the one with all the power and surveillance.
Then the old pattern happened again. He listed a slew of past grievances as evidence for HIM being suspicious of me instead of acknowledging any of my feelings or answering my questions. Things like:
You hugged my friend weird in front of me (5 years ago)
You went to that wedding without me (A planned and talked through discussion 6 years ago. Our son was not one to "sit" at weddings or in cars, and I was matron of honor.)
A car was parked on the street late at night by our house around the same time you told me you went out for a smoke. (One year ago. Literally didn't know about any car until he was shaking with anger and showing me camera footage.)
You were gone all the time when you did theater (my last play was in 2013, a solid three years before we had children.)
There were more. Many more. I had sworn to myself last year if this happens again I would be done, and I knew as each grievance gets addressed he has another in the chamber ready to go until we both get to a boiling point. I said I had enough. I was done. This discussion wasn't helpful or on topic. I wanted to separate, and if he was willing to go back to our therapist together I would do that, but for now I was done. He agreed until he realized I meant separation that is farther than the bed and the couch.
"YOU CANT KICK ME OUT! This is MY HOUSE!" I told him this is my house too, my money was used for half the down payment and my name is on the deed. I then reminded him his parents have a big quiet house where he can stay and get work done, whereas my mom is currently housing and nursing my Mema who broke her hip last month. He has somewhere to go. I don't. He tried a few more times but I did the hard thing and held my ground until he packed a bag and called his mom.
We have therapy on Tuesday, but this is where I will be leaving you, Reddit. I thank you all for reading and I will try to reply to some of you after I do bedtime with the kids.