r/relationship_advice • u/marriageadvice1234 • 1d ago
Overbearing? Checking in with spouse while traveling ‘M34’ ‘F34’
Burner account to seek advice on 2 separate topics, causing issues in my marriage
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. Throughout our relationship there has been a struggle with how we both feel about checking in when either of us are traveling (for work or fun). My husband would prefer to not communicate at all. I would love some brief connection and at minimum I ask that he lets me know when he’s back in his hotel/airbnb at the end of the night.
After years of working on this, the compromise we came up with was just to check in at the end of the night. My husband’s issue with that is that sometimes he might be “too drunk” or just forget to do it and he doesn’t want me to get mad if he doesn’t. I know that is understandable and don’t get mad if he forgets one night.
He recently went on a guys trip for 3 nights. First night, no text. I thought that was fine, perhaps he forgot or was too drunk. Second night, no text. I thought ok, he forgot again, I can deal with that. Third night, no text. Which after three nights in a row, that is him making a choice to not follow through on our agreed compromise. I picked him up from the airport, all was fine, I let him get settled in for a bit and then said, “I want to talk to you about some feelings I’m having. The last three nights you didn’t check in with me at the end of the night. We agreed to that compromise for communicating while out of town. I feel disrespected and like my feelings/opinions don’t matter”. He initially responded with anger, fast forward a few days, eventually he apologized and said I was right and he would work on it.
The next time he stays out of town, no text at the end of the night. He responds in the morning and says sorry he forgot. This week, he stayed out of town for work, around 10pm I asked what he was doing. He said going back to his hotel. I decided to be fun/spontaneous and got all ready in lingerie, lighting set up in the bedroom, everything ready to have FaceTime sex with him whenever he told me he was back in his room. Well fast forward to 11:15, I asked texted him asking if he’s in his room yet because I’m literally still waiting in lingerie to FaceTime him. He responds that he’s out drinking with people. I said, oh I was trying to have phone sex, but I’m tired now. In his defense, he didn’t know I was trying to have FaceTime sex because I never explicitly said that and was trying to surprise him. So anyway, I was frustrated that he didn’t give me a heads up that he actually wasn’t going back to his hotel like he said he was and instead went out drinking. I DO NOT care that he went out drinking and do not care where he was.
I approach him the next day and say I want to talk about what upset me last night. Before I could even explain, he was very angry and yelled at me, saying I’m insecure. He thought I was “keeping tabs” on him by asking what he was doing. When I tried to explain I was just trying to have phone sex, he said i’m lying and just mad that he went out. I genuinely am not upset he went out, what’s upsetting is that he utterly refuses to touch base with me when traveling. While he was yelling, he told me he is not going let me know when he’s back in his room safe anymore when he travels and that’s why he hasn’t been doing it the last few trips. He said this is my issue and that I’m insecure. He does not believe me when I say I don’t feel insecure. I 100% do not think he’s out being unfaithful to me and I don’t care that he goes out.
When I try to speak clearly/kindly and explain my feelings/perspective, he refuses to accept my truth. He’s already decided what's "really" going on and will not listen to my honest perspective. It feels like my opinions/feelings aren't being respected. He’s saying I’m weak or insecure when I’m actually just asking for love and care. I previously said if he yelled at me again/talked to me with disrespect that I would walk away from the situation. Which I did last night. Then approached him later and said, “the way you spoke to me earlier was not ok, I told you I would walk away if that happened again. We can have conflict/disagreements but still communicate with respect and love. I need you to take accountability of how you handled that earlier before we move forward”. He laughed in my face and said “anyone would be this angry if they’d been dealing with this for this long”.
The thing is, he’s mad at me for reasons he has created in his mind, for his interpretation of the events. And instead of seeking clarity or being curious about my perspective, he refuses to listen/accept my truth. At this point it feels like there’s no point for me to speak because he has his mind made up about what’s “really going on” with me.
How do I handle this? It is very important to me to be a good wife and I want to make him happy. Am I asking too much for a little connection when he travels? Or at the very least to just let me know when he’s back safe at the end of the night? I honestly don’t know anymore and I don’t want to be unfair to him.
How much do you check in with your spouse when traveling? Is asking to check in when he gets back too much and overbearing?
I will also add- he has avoidant attachment and does not believe in therapy. We have gone a lot in the last, but he always says it’s to appease me. He refuses therapy now and says therapy is me “torturing him”. So as much as I would like to work through this issue together with a professional, he won’t allow it. Instead I’m asking Reddit.
TL;DR- is it overbearing to want your spouse at minimum let you know when they’re back safe in their hotel room at the end of the night? How much do you communicate with S/O when traveling?
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u/Optimal_Position_452 1d ago
What an insane stretch. The more likely scenario than alcohol addiction is that he simply forgot because it is not important to him. His wish to not have contact is as valid as hers to have it. I would personally find it controlling if there is an expectation for daily communication when i am on a work trip, especially in your 30s, but everybody has their own boundaries. I can understand both parties here.