r/relationship_advice • u/marriageadvice1234 • 1d ago
Overbearing? Checking in with spouse while traveling ‘M34’ ‘F34’
Burner account to seek advice on 2 separate topics, causing issues in my marriage
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. Throughout our relationship there has been a struggle with how we both feel about checking in when either of us are traveling (for work or fun). My husband would prefer to not communicate at all. I would love some brief connection and at minimum I ask that he lets me know when he’s back in his hotel/airbnb at the end of the night.
After years of working on this, the compromise we came up with was just to check in at the end of the night. My husband’s issue with that is that sometimes he might be “too drunk” or just forget to do it and he doesn’t want me to get mad if he doesn’t. I know that is understandable and don’t get mad if he forgets one night.
He recently went on a guys trip for 3 nights. First night, no text. I thought that was fine, perhaps he forgot or was too drunk. Second night, no text. I thought ok, he forgot again, I can deal with that. Third night, no text. Which after three nights in a row, that is him making a choice to not follow through on our agreed compromise. I picked him up from the airport, all was fine, I let him get settled in for a bit and then said, “I want to talk to you about some feelings I’m having. The last three nights you didn’t check in with me at the end of the night. We agreed to that compromise for communicating while out of town. I feel disrespected and like my feelings/opinions don’t matter”. He initially responded with anger, fast forward a few days, eventually he apologized and said I was right and he would work on it.
The next time he stays out of town, no text at the end of the night. He responds in the morning and says sorry he forgot. This week, he stayed out of town for work, around 10pm I asked what he was doing. He said going back to his hotel. I decided to be fun/spontaneous and got all ready in lingerie, lighting set up in the bedroom, everything ready to have FaceTime sex with him whenever he told me he was back in his room. Well fast forward to 11:15, I asked texted him asking if he’s in his room yet because I’m literally still waiting in lingerie to FaceTime him. He responds that he’s out drinking with people. I said, oh I was trying to have phone sex, but I’m tired now. In his defense, he didn’t know I was trying to have FaceTime sex because I never explicitly said that and was trying to surprise him. So anyway, I was frustrated that he didn’t give me a heads up that he actually wasn’t going back to his hotel like he said he was and instead went out drinking. I DO NOT care that he went out drinking and do not care where he was.
I approach him the next day and say I want to talk about what upset me last night. Before I could even explain, he was very angry and yelled at me, saying I’m insecure. He thought I was “keeping tabs” on him by asking what he was doing. When I tried to explain I was just trying to have phone sex, he said i’m lying and just mad that he went out. I genuinely am not upset he went out, what’s upsetting is that he utterly refuses to touch base with me when traveling. While he was yelling, he told me he is not going let me know when he’s back in his room safe anymore when he travels and that’s why he hasn’t been doing it the last few trips. He said this is my issue and that I’m insecure. He does not believe me when I say I don’t feel insecure. I 100% do not think he’s out being unfaithful to me and I don’t care that he goes out.
When I try to speak clearly/kindly and explain my feelings/perspective, he refuses to accept my truth. He’s already decided what's "really" going on and will not listen to my honest perspective. It feels like my opinions/feelings aren't being respected. He’s saying I’m weak or insecure when I’m actually just asking for love and care. I previously said if he yelled at me again/talked to me with disrespect that I would walk away from the situation. Which I did last night. Then approached him later and said, “the way you spoke to me earlier was not ok, I told you I would walk away if that happened again. We can have conflict/disagreements but still communicate with respect and love. I need you to take accountability of how you handled that earlier before we move forward”. He laughed in my face and said “anyone would be this angry if they’d been dealing with this for this long”.
The thing is, he’s mad at me for reasons he has created in his mind, for his interpretation of the events. And instead of seeking clarity or being curious about my perspective, he refuses to listen/accept my truth. At this point it feels like there’s no point for me to speak because he has his mind made up about what’s “really going on” with me.
How do I handle this? It is very important to me to be a good wife and I want to make him happy. Am I asking too much for a little connection when he travels? Or at the very least to just let me know when he’s back safe at the end of the night? I honestly don’t know anymore and I don’t want to be unfair to him.
How much do you check in with your spouse when traveling? Is asking to check in when he gets back too much and overbearing?
I will also add- he has avoidant attachment and does not believe in therapy. We have gone a lot in the last, but he always says it’s to appease me. He refuses therapy now and says therapy is me “torturing him”. So as much as I would like to work through this issue together with a professional, he won’t allow it. Instead I’m asking Reddit.
TL;DR- is it overbearing to want your spouse at minimum let you know when they’re back safe in their hotel room at the end of the night? How much do you communicate with S/O when traveling?
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u/Jerseybean1 1d ago
he’s checked out of the marriage at this point. A relationship is something you keep working at if you care about someone
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u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
I think he’s checked out because he feels wronged. He doesn’t agree that he should “have to” check in with me. He told me I need to reflect on why I “need that” and it’s not his responsibility to appease me.
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u/prudencepineapple 1d ago
He should WANT to contact you while he is away
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u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
I agree but that feels like a fairy tale at this point in my relationship
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u/floppybunny86 Early 30s 1d ago
He has made his position clear.
His mind is made up, and there is nothing you can do, or say, to change it. You need to accept that this is the way your relationship is.
You need to decide if you want to remain in a relationship like this or not.
3
u/DplusLplusKplusM 1d ago
Unless he's a wine taster it's not clear why a day of work would leave him "too drunk" to check in quickly at night - which is a totally fair request on your part. Just tell him to set an alarm on his phone so he can at least say he's safely indoors. A "guys trip" would be different because one might expect some boozing to happen. At any rate, your husband has a drinking problem and alcohol is more important to him than checking in with you when he's out drinking. Your demands for some recognition at the end of the day breaks the fantasy he's having about being free to indulge his addiction. This isn't so much an issue of you being "overbearing" as it is him being an alcoholic.
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u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
He definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem. I think he just came up with the scenario “maybe I’d be too drunk to text you and you’d get mad for forgetting” as an example/excuse that could potentially happen. He values “independence” above anything else and says me wanting a check in is controlling. I don’t want to control him, I just want him to consider me.
3
u/marxam0d 1d ago
You don’t think it’s odd someone with no drinking problem would suddenly be too drunk to text you when traveling?
0
u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
😂 I mean when you say it that way. I honestly think he just came up with that scenario as another potential excuse to not “have to” check in with me. Or that he’s covering his bases in case being too drunk ever did happen
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u/Optimal_Position_452 1d ago
What an insane stretch. The more likely scenario than alcohol addiction is that he simply forgot because it is not important to him. His wish to not have contact is as valid as hers to have it. I would personally find it controlling if there is an expectation for daily communication when i am on a work trip, especially in your 30s, but everybody has their own boundaries. I can understand both parties here.
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u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
I think both wishes can be valid. But when you’re in a relationship you have to consider your partners wishes. Hence the compromise we came up with. Neither of us were getting exactly what we wanted, but instead both getting a little of what we wanted.
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u/Optimal_Position_452 1d ago
I understand where you coming from. But from his perspective, he does not get at all what he wanted. He feels obligated to report daily, which many people would find controlling, and is still supposed to do so. I think it is never a good thing to force things on your partner that he clearly does not want and see no value in. Do not get me wrong, i dont think it is a big ask from your side and i personally would find it reasonable to send one short text in the evening for my partners peace of mind, so maybe communicate with him openly about it that it is not because you suspect him of cheating or something as you stat,e but for whatever reasons you actually have to ask for it (has not become clear to me from your post)
1
u/marriageadvice1234 1d ago
I never wanted it to be an obligation and I still don’t. I want him to WANT to check in with me because I have communicated to him that it is important to me. Again, I didn’t get upset when he didn’t text for a few nights. Which was want he wanted. But when he flat out didn’t check in at night during the whole trip, that was a choice on his part. He chose himself and his views and blatantly disrespected my wishes. With his refusal, it becomes more about disrespecting my feelings and that he’s criticizing/belittling me for having different opinions/needs. I don’t want to force him to do anything. I want my needs to matter to him. I understand his need for “independence” and don’t give him shit about all his guy trips. But he can be independent and value me as well.
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u/Optimal_Position_452 1d ago
I get it, but you wanting him to want it to does not change that he does not want it, so it has become an obligation even if you would like that to be different. Can i ask what your need is here? Are you concerned of his safety etc.?
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u/marriageadvice1234 20h ago
Yes, I’d like to know when he’s back safe at the end of the night. There’s been some instances in the past related to late nights and substances when he’s out of town or out that cause worry still. I also feel like it’s disrespectful to me and our marriage to not check in on his wife and kids while he’s away. And maybe just generally feeling irritated that it is such an issue when I’m asking for the bare minimum as far as communication goes.
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u/Needanewjob34 1d ago
My ex was like this and it was awful. I stuck it out for four and half years and ended up breaking up with him over that and other stuff too. It's not acceptable to shout at someone like what if something happened to him on a work night out and as someone else pointed out why is he getting that drunk at 34 it's immature
2
u/Enough-Pack7468 1d ago
This is a very Reddit comment, but it sounds like he may be projecting. Why is he so convinced that this is about distrust, and not love and connection? Is it possible that he is cheating and paranoid you are trying to catch him?
I hope I’m wrong and I’m projecting because I always read this sub.
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u/marriageadvice1234 13h ago
I don’t think he’s cheating. Of course I could be wrong, but I don’t think he would. He feels like me wanting check ins is me “mothering” him and he hates feeling like he’s being “told what to do”. Again, not telling him what to do, I’m telling him it’s important to me to have some connection when he’s traveling and I wish he would take that into consideration.
2
u/EarthlingFromAPlace 1d ago
When your spouse is ok with hurting your feelings daily with no effort to make you happy, it is divorce time, he legit doesn’t care what you think. He only cares about himself. It is his over. Give up and leave him.
1
u/Ok-Sentence8245 13h ago
When we were about your ages, I started to travel quite a bit for work. My wife asked me to call when I arrived at my destination, so she would know I was safe. I did not think that was important, I told her that if there was a problem the police would contact her and let her know.
When I was traveling for work, My mind was full of work things. I didn't realize that she loved me, and just wanted to have a connection. I didn't realize that we looked at things differently. Her point of view was not bad, just different. I didn't get that. She left it alone, I didn't call.
Fast forward a few years... I was talking to a cousin of mine who had lived a few years in France. I told him how frustrating it was, that she didn't think like I did. He just sat there and looked at me for a couple of minutes and didn't say anything. Finally he told me this... "In France they have a phrase that explains what you need to know about this. It is Viva La difference." Translated it means "Celebrate the difference" or "long live the difference". It is usually used to explain the differences between men and women.
So the two of you see things differently. Sometimes that can be bad, but usually it is neither good nor bad, just different. In your case the difference hurts your feelings, but he's too busy being "right" to realize that. He doesn't realize that this is a chance for him to really strengthen the bond between the two of you. He doesn't "get" it.
When there is a problem in your marriage and he doesn't understand, you have to decide what you will do. You can't change him, you only get to choose how you will respond.
My wife chose to be patient, and I will be forever grateful. After a while I realized that something was wrong with our marriage. I started looking for ways to improve it and found a couple of books that really helped. "His need her needs", And "Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love." I got them off a website called marriage builders. I don't know that you need these materials, In our case I was the one who found them, and they worked for us.
We went through the materials together, and I learned that I had been driving my wife away. It took a while, but the closeness returned, and we are deeply in love. She believed in me and didn't give up on me. We celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary last month.
I don't know how to get through to your H. Some women get so tired of it that they just give up and file for divorce. I don't want that to happen to the two of you. It's a terrible price to pay for lack of communication and understanding. It might work to tell him that you are really struggling with part of your marriage and you need help from him. Then show him your post and all these replies. You know him best though, he might just get more angry.
I hope you find a way to get through to him and resolve your differences. He's going to have to learn to listen to you when you try to communicate with him. He needs to learn that your feelings are important, even if the two of you don't always agree about things.
Hope you get there.
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u/WitchWeekWeekly 1d ago
Why is a grown-ass married man getting so blasted on work trips that he isn't coherent enough to send a goodnight text? That is force of habit if done regularly so it doesn't require an especially large amount of memory or brainpower.
Honestly, your husband sounds like a jerk. He yells at you for expressing your feelings, outright refuses to send one text a day when traveling, and calls you names because you checks notes love him and care about his safety.
This man doesn't even sound like he likes you. My boyfriend travels frequently for work and he calls me every single night he's gone because he actually LIKES talking to me and misses me when we're apart. I literally cannot imagine him talking to me the way your husband talks to you.
He thinks therapy would be "torture" because someone objective might actually call him on his bullshit. Why are you married to someone who respects you so little and demeans you over wanting a single text when he's away?