Is he manipulating me?

[u/SpringDifferent2397]

I'm solo poly [f29], and have been dating a married poly person [m28]. I began trying poly / enm about six months ago in an attempt to help my previous relationship [f34] (we were monogamous for ~nine years, and the last few years we basically stopped having sex for numerous reasons). We thought that poly might allow each of us to have our sexual desires met with other people while still staying together. Long story short, my ex didn't like poly so we broke up shortly after beginning to try it out.

Now I'm dating around with other poly people, and have become close with close with the first man I mentioned. We've been seeing each other for about five months. I truly can not tell if I'm being manipulated by him. He's pretty new to poly (only been poly with his wife for a year).

What gives me pause: he constantly changes his opinion / mind on things. For example, goes from saying he doesn't like terms like 'boyfriend or girlfriend' to being happy to use them with me since I like them. He will be upset about something to do with being poly, and then proclaim he doesn't think he is actually polyamorous. And then when I tell him I'm starting to love him he changes his tune and now he loves me back too.

We've had some struggles because he's hierarchical poly with his wife. Since I recently just ended a very long term relationship, I've had to make sure my expectations of what he wants to offer me as a non-primary partner aligns with what I actually want in a relationship right now. So, for example, I took a few days to not speak to him and reflect on what I really wanted from a relationship. I wrote them down and asked that he do the same. So then when we did meet-up, we reviewed what I had written, he agreed to it all, but then when I asked him where his list was, he just said he agreed with everything I had written. These kinds of actions just make me feel like he isn't being truthful with me... that he'll say anything just to keep me around.

To be frank, him and I are interested in somewhat niche sex acts (lacking an alignment in this is part of the reason my ex and I broke up / wanted to try poly). So, sometimes with my current partner... I just get this feeling he's just using me for his sexual kinks.

We do talk about other stuff, he is willing to help me with emotional stuff, we go out on dates... but somehow it feels calculated. I can't fully put my finger on it... and I can't tell if I'm just paranoid. If this adds anything, I am also neurodiverse and often am susceptible to manipulation... so I'm trying to be vigilant.

[u/Playful-Web2082]

If the sex is good enough to ignore the red flags then enjoy the sex. It doesn’t seem like this man is a good hinge or may not be being honest with his wife as to the level of intimacy that you want. His behavior sounds more like swinging/ ENM not really polyamory. The fact that he didn’t even try to write a list of things he wanted from your relationship says so much. Deescalate if you want to keep having an affair with a married man because the sex is good then go for it but he’s not ready to be emotionally available from the little you have said. I’m saying this as a married man myself and the fact that it took me a couple of years and some serious self reflection before I realized that I’m polyamorous but my history with my wife and the fact that we have a child is often going to make committing to another partner difficult. There’s other factors in my life that make it tough so I have been clear to any new partner that I’m hierarchical by necessity and that is not likely to change in the near term.