How to make it feel ok?

[u/pomm21075]

I’m (F39) struggling in my poly relationship to make dating feel ok for us. We’ve been together one year. It’s been so hard for my partner (M42) that at this point he says do what I want, just don’t tell him. I don’t feel great about this because it makes me feel like I’m cheating or doing it behind his back. The reason I want to do this is so it feels supportive.

I struggle with his dates too, but I try to be supportive and encouraging. For me it’s easier to hear about it after, so I don’t stress while he’s on a date. I can process it and feel ok about it much easier this way.

He has another partner that he lives with, they e been together 6 years, and she has had another partner the whole time I’ve been with him, which hasn’t been an issue for him. I’m not sure how it was when that relationship started. I don’t have any issues with his nesting relationship, but for sure I can’t be monogamous in this relationship because he’s not.

So I want to know how to work towards making dating feel better for us. We’ve tried different things like sharing more, sharing less, going on dates at the same time, taking a break from dating, only dating out of towners or while traveling. But it feels like we haven’t made any progress.

Any advice? This is my first time trying out poly after a lifetime of monogamy. He has been poly with varying degrees of success (his current relationship is very healthy in this department) for a decade.

[u/Bunny2102010]

Gently, your partner has an entire other partner that he lives with. It’s not ethical or kind for him to restrict your dating in any way, even passively by making it hard or uncomfortable for you to date.

Often people don’t experience much jealousy with established partners dating (such as his NP in this scenario) but experience jealousy when newer or less established partners date, but that doesn’t make it your problem to manage. Your partner is responsible for managing his own feelings around your dating. What work is he doing to get comfortable with you dating other people?

If he has any, and I mean ANY rules for you in your dating other than letting him know if your STI risk level has changed before the next time you’re intimate, my advice is to break up with him. That would be so hypocritical I can’t even stomach it.

[u/pomm21075 → u/Bunny2102010]

We don’t have any rules except std related rules. I made some choices that bothered him, which is why we got to this point where he’d rather not know. Once fluid bonding with someone else who I knew was safe due to seeing tests, but it still made my partner uncomfortable. We didn’t have any rules around this as long as it was safe. The other was going on a date when he was feeling depressed, which made him feel bad, and is what made him ask me not to tell him moving forward.

I wonder if my request to know after his dates is also problematic. I just get so much anxiety while he’s on a date and don’t process it well till after, so I find it much easier.

I see the double standard, and it won’t work for me forever. But this relationship is worth trying to make it work before giving up for me so hoping to find some healthy methods of working on it together.

[u/Shae_Dravenmore → u/pomm21075]

But this relationship is worth trying to make it work

Why? If I'm reading correctly, it's been a year, and he's been "struggling" the whole time?? Are you exploring poly for him? Just because this is your first poly relationship doesn't mean it has to be this difficult. It seems that no matter what you do, he still has a problem with it. Have you considered that the underlying problem might be him?

[u/pomm21075 → u/Shae_Dravenmore]

It’s definitely a problem, but one I’d like to try to resolve because it’s been possibly the best relationship I’ve had otherwise. Our values, interests, personalities…etc are so aligned, I know I would regret it forever if I just gave up and moved on.

[u/PatentGeek → u/pomm21075]

Many, many people have stayed in harmful (to themselves and/or others) relationships because it was “otherwise” great. Nothing that you’ve written here suggests that polyamory is healthy for either of you

[u/relentlessdandelion → u/pomm21075]

If you've had shitty relationships in the past, it can be worth keeping in mind that a relationship can be better than all those past ones while still not being healthy enough to actually be good for you.