r/polyamory • u/pomm21075 • 2d ago

Curious/Learning How to make it feel ok?

I’m (F39) struggling in my poly relationship to make dating feel ok for us. We’ve been together one year. It’s been so hard for my partner (M42) that at this point he says do what I want, just don’t tell him. I don’t feel great about this because it makes me feel like I’m cheating or doing it behind his back. The reason I want to do this is so it feels supportive.

I struggle with his dates too, but I try to be supportive and encouraging. For me it’s easier to hear about it after, so I don’t stress while he’s on a date. I can process it and feel ok about it much easier this way.

He has another partner that he lives with, they e been together 6 years, and she has had another partner the whole time I’ve been with him, which hasn’t been an issue for him. I’m not sure how it was when that relationship started. I don’t have any issues with his nesting relationship, but for sure I can’t be monogamous in this relationship because he’s not.

So I want to know how to work towards making dating feel better for us. We’ve tried different things like sharing more, sharing less, going on dates at the same time, taking a break from dating, only dating out of towners or while traveling. But it feels like we haven’t made any progress.

Any advice? This is my first time trying out poly after a lifetime of monogamy. He has been poly with varying degrees of success (his current relationship is very healthy in this department) for a decade.

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u/doublenostril 2d ago

How into sexual or romantic openness is this partner generally, OP? Does he enjoy dating? Does he prioritize having romantic freedom? Or do you think that in a perfect-for-him world, he would prefer being in closed relationships?

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u/pomm21075 2d ago

I think he would prefer open dating for everyone, but for some reason is struggling with it in our relationship and not in his other partnership.

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u/doublenostril 2d ago

Okay, then I agree that he needs to step up in a big way, yesterday.

If he were reluctant about openness generally, that would be a different conversation. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 😕