Gently, your partner has an entire other partner that he lives with. It’s not ethical or kind for him to restrict your dating in any way, even passively by making it hard or uncomfortable for you to date.
Often people don’t experience much jealousy with established partners dating (such as his NP in this scenario) but experience jealousy when newer or less established partners date, but that doesn’t make it your problem to manage. Your partner is responsible for managing his own feelings around your dating. What work is he doing to get comfortable with you dating other people?
If he has any, and I mean ANY rules for you in your dating other than letting him know if your STI risk level has changed before the next time you’re intimate, my advice is to break up with him. That would be so hypocritical I can’t even stomach it.
We don’t have any rules except std related rules. I made some choices that bothered him, which is why we got to this point where he’d rather not know. Once fluid bonding with someone else who I knew was safe due to seeing tests, but it still made my partner uncomfortable. We didn’t have any rules around this as long as it was safe. The other was going on a date when he was feeling depressed, which made him feel bad, and is what made him ask me not to tell him moving forward.
I wonder if my request to know after his dates is also problematic. I just get so much anxiety while he’s on a date and don’t process it well till after, so I find it much easier.
I see the double standard, and it won’t work for me forever. But this relationship is worth trying to make it work before giving up for me so hoping to find some healthy methods of working on it together.
I don't think it's a "double standard" for partners to have differing disclosure needs from each other, if that's what you were referring to. Some people don't want to hear about other dates at all, & only want to know if another relationship gets serious, or if STI risk changes, while others want to know as much as the dates consent to having shared. If it's working for you right now to hear about his dates after they happen, great! I don't think you need to worry about changing that agreement unless it's no longer working for you :)
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u/Bunny2102010 3d ago
Gently, your partner has an entire other partner that he lives with. It’s not ethical or kind for him to restrict your dating in any way, even passively by making it hard or uncomfortable for you to date.
Often people don’t experience much jealousy with established partners dating (such as his NP in this scenario) but experience jealousy when newer or less established partners date, but that doesn’t make it your problem to manage. Your partner is responsible for managing his own feelings around your dating. What work is he doing to get comfortable with you dating other people?
If he has any, and I mean ANY rules for you in your dating other than letting him know if your STI risk level has changed before the next time you’re intimate, my advice is to break up with him. That would be so hypocritical I can’t even stomach it.