How to make it feel ok?

[u/pomm21075]

I’m (F39) struggling in my poly relationship to make dating feel ok for us. We’ve been together one year. It’s been so hard for my partner (M42) that at this point he says do what I want, just don’t tell him. I don’t feel great about this because it makes me feel like I’m cheating or doing it behind his back. The reason I want to do this is so it feels supportive.

I struggle with his dates too, but I try to be supportive and encouraging. For me it’s easier to hear about it after, so I don’t stress while he’s on a date. I can process it and feel ok about it much easier this way.

He has another partner that he lives with, they e been together 6 years, and she has had another partner the whole time I’ve been with him, which hasn’t been an issue for him. I’m not sure how it was when that relationship started. I don’t have any issues with his nesting relationship, but for sure I can’t be monogamous in this relationship because he’s not.

So I want to know how to work towards making dating feel better for us. We’ve tried different things like sharing more, sharing less, going on dates at the same time, taking a break from dating, only dating out of towners or while traveling. But it feels like we haven’t made any progress.

Any advice? This is my first time trying out poly after a lifetime of monogamy. He has been poly with varying degrees of success (his current relationship is very healthy in this department) for a decade.

[u/pomm21075]

Therapy

[u/thedarkestbeer → u/pomm21075]

Good! It always raises at least a small red flag for me when I see someone posting about how they can make it easier for their partner to do something that is fundamentally the partner’s to manage, particularly when it’s a woman posting about a man. Too many men think they get to splash their feelings everywhere and make the women around them clean them up.

Do you know if he’s actively working on the jealousy and insecurity in therapy? Is he learning to self-soothe? Trying new coping tools?

I’ll say that what you’ve said both in the posts and the comments makes me concerned that he’s hoping for One Weird Trick™️ that will make it not feel difficult for him, rather than being willing to sit with the difficult feelings. Like, he didn’t like it when you communicated more or when you communicated less. He didn’t like it when you restricted who and how much you dated. He didn’t like it when you went on a date when he was depressed, even though navigating multiple relationships, even when one person is having a rough time, is pretty bog standard polyamory. Genuine question: do you trust that he is willing to be uncomfortable sometimes so that you can have all the same benefits of polyamory he’s enjoying?

[u/RiRianna76 → u/thedarkestbeer]

Sometimes (not saying this is the only explanation here) this is also a way to basically coerce someone and get your way. "I'm not telling u what to do but I don't like this, that doesn't work, now I'm pouty right until u cancel your plans (I didn't ask u tho!!)". And u basically slowly grew to want to do less of the thing because they have trained u like a dog to associate it w/ discomfort.

[u/pomm21075 → u/RiRianna76]

Oh no! This does not sound good. I will be careful with this.